"Within minutes I double back on a personal vow not to gossip, not to fan one flame that really should be left to burn out on its miserable own. I try to maintain this silly conviction but she pulls it all out of me with a smile and a simple request to tell her everything I know. I don't care, because its her. Mossad agents train for years to achieve this same fluid ease of information extraction. Though it is in a far more severe world, I can't help but think the same underlying forces are at play."
"...if I understood the world that she sees, I'd want to see it all through her eyes more than anyone else's. I'd try to pull her as close to me as I could and would want to accept the responsibility this entails. This sort of transformational gesture would become the force that could metaphorically slap her hand out of her mouth and calm any number of other nervous habits that seem to plague her. It would be such a beautiful thing to be the other half of what she is and just calm her in the ways she deserves. But the truth is that I'm nowhere near this realm. At some point I'll watch her disappear into the future with her unwavering conviction, wide eyes... "
Someone wrote these beautiful things about me. I feel so completely loved I can barely express it fully.
I've Moved!
8 years ago
2 comments:
Ohmygod, I know exactly how you feel. I've cried every night this week (and some other times, too!!) because being so loved and being so in love is such a heavy thing! Even though it's positive emotion, it is an overwhelming amount of emotion. Lately I've been experiencing insane self-hatred for every time I have ever been the least bit bad to G. in the past. Is it okay to let myself forget this, and let how wonderful the present is be my apology?
I think it's because I have recently realized just how immense my love for him is that I'm terrified some small thing will come back out of the past and ruin it (like, I'm even to the point of beating myself up for wanting to spend time with other friends more than him on, like, four occasions in September, UGH!). He assures me that I have nothing to apologize for and that worrying about it will just cause problems where there are none.
I'm sorry for making this all about me... but yeah, is it okay to forget the negative things that have happened, remember the positive, and move on? I'm fairly sure we both think that the latter far outweighs the former.
Anyway, love you. I e-mailed you today!
Ab-Fab.
I think that is wonderful and I am SO proud of you. :)
You're so blessed to experience that kind of love, and you deserve to be loved back so much.
I can't wait to hug you!
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