I have a lot of fears about being abandoned, or alone, or not a priority in someone I love's life. Some of these fears are warranted, some aren't.
What I know is that I can't let these fears control me--I don't want to hold back because I'm worried it won't work out. However, I don't want to settle or compromise because that would be the absolute worst thing I could do as far as levying my fears. Sure, I won't be alone, but I would be denying myself--another fear.
My sister often says that I idealize love--I want "A Grand Romance" that is impossible to get. That could be very true.
I want someone to search and study and learn my face, not just look at it. I want them to be physically and intellectually attracted to me, to respect me.
The intensity of the delivery should always match the sentiment of the words.
And I want to feel that way back. Maybe my standards are intense--it's ridiculous when people tell me I'm reaching too high, because I know I'm great (unto myself, and not in comparison to anyone), and worth being loved the way I deserve, and I don't think it's out of line to demand that.
(But, of course, I do get nervous [fear, again!] that I'll settle.)
Ugh, there was something I thought of this morning that wrapped this up so much more neatly, but I can't remember it. I'll write it down as soon as I do and get back to you.
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"I can't shrug you off."
"I'm too heavy--all the gravity [of my situation]. :P"
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Love,
A.
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