So many things go on in my life--

Thankfully, they are mostly awesome things.

I am back in Baltimore, which has been great--the drive down with Lauren was largely unproblematic, Robin and I are more than fine, Betsy and Jen are both great (still bickering), and Lee, the girl who I sublet to, is pretty absent from the apartment usually. BUT, in an awesome turn of events, I came at the perfect time--she is paying two rents, and with the advent of my return, she is going to move out of my room earlier than expected! Pretty good timing.

Ben came to see me yesterday, which was also lovely. He brought me roses--two red, two yellow--and opened the car door for me and all of that gentlemanly awesomeness. We had a good day--low-key but fun--and in the evening, we got to talking. Debating, in one, about our opposing religious viewpoints. And then, discussing the possibility of a relationship.

At first, I was sort of relieved--it seemed like we were on the same page: we liked the other, enjoyed the other's company, but in the end, we aren't really what the other is looking for, mostly based on sex, politics, and religion. Sure, fine. But all of a sudden, there was this wacky deal where I figure out that he likes me a WHOLE lot more than I though he did, and that it's really hard (read: impossible) for him to just be friends with girls he likes from the outset.

This upset me more than the revelation that we aren't actually right for each other romantically. I wasn't hurt, but sort of sad. For some reason, I got this fire in me--it became essential to cultivate a lasting friendship with Ben. It is essential. Hm.

Anyway, we had that talk, and I told him I was still going to make an effort to remain friends, and he said he'd try. But, sure enough, when all of us (Jen, Betsy, Robin, Colin, Ben2, My Ben, and I) went to see Star Trek (pretty fun, I gotta say), he got all affectionate and hand-holdy again. Since the midst of a blockbuster is not the best place to talk it out, so I waited until I was walking him out to the car as he was leaving last night. When I asked what the deal was, he did what I wanted Robin to do back in February--he said 'I'm going to ignore the differences/odds against us for now."

I was surprised, and pleased, but not because I have any urgent feelings about being with Ben. In fact, as I'd said before, I was sort of relieved that we'd agreed to just try friendship. It was just nice to feel like I'm important to someone--especially someone who doesn't know me that well. But I don't want to hang this relationship on my own feelings of self-worth--that would be stupid and, doy, selfish. He deserves better than that.

He told me it was my call. Because of the above paragraph, I didn't say no. Not right away. I told him yes for now, but I still had to think about it. But, as I do, I knew as soon as I turned and watched him drive out that I should've drawn the line. He invited me to stay at his place on Friday--that probably won't happen, but again, I do want to stay in touch.

Whew. Also, darn. It was like a taste of an attentive boyfriend who is making an effort to honor me, and I've wanted that for a while.

I still haven't seen Marla--hopefully today.

School stuff is sneaking up on me a little, which is stressful, but I can take it. Now to get a job! Wheee!

Wish me luck--

-A.

P.S. Go Pens! Game 7! Bottle the Caps! :D