Why does everything I write about have a tinge of bitterness or melancholy to it?

I don't want to talk about my Dad, because the more we talk about him, the less I want to talk to him. And frankly, I need the little money he DEIGNS to contribute.

(By the way, he brought over the $13,000 convertible yesterday.)

On a stupid, petty, so, so over note--my mom brought up again that I lost a lot of weight over my trip to Italy. "Like, 20 pounds!" Now, I did not lose 20 pounds. Don't get me wrong, I lost a noticable amount (especially noticable after 4 months of absence), but at no time in my life have I EVER been 20 pounds overweight.

My aunt was also at my house at this point--"Not 20 pounds--I mean, you lost weight, but Maggie, seriously?"

Lauren was helpful in that regard, "I don't even notice a difference."

But mom was VEHEMENT, "NO. She was MUCH heavier before she left,"

"Mom, I don't think it's as much as twenty. Maybe ten."

And, no lie, she gives me the glare like I'm in need of a serious reality check. "ALYSSA. Um, YES. Twenty pounds. At least."

And she launches into the very embarassing story about when I was a freshman in college and my bras were cutting lines into my shoulders, so we opted to get a breast reduction consult. The surgeon, a frosty blonde and overly-made-up woman in her fifties, told me I needed to lose 20 to 30 pounds and then reevaluate my situation. I was, naturally, mortified at being told (for the first time) that I was aywhere near overweight--let alone 20-30 lbs over! But, my mom agreed with her and told me I was being oversensitive. That was the first of a few confrontations my mom instigated with me about my weight over the next two years.

My aunt seemed sympathetic to me at that story, and asked me if I'd ever felt like I was overweight. I answered honestly, and at this point, I'm mortified to find that I'm trying desperately to keep my voice steady, "Only when my mom told me I was." And the psychoanalysis begins--"So it was only after someone else told you you were overweight? Mag, she's completely okay with her appearance."

"Well, yes Cath, but there's something to be said for a lack of SELF-AWARENESS."

Thank GOD I lost that weight, because, jeez, who knows what she'd have said under the same circumstances had I returned the same or--God forbid--any bigger.

Okay, I just needed to take that down--just vent for a moment about that.

The bulk of the day was actually quite pleasant--it was my cousin's first holy communion today, and I went to a Catholic service for the first time in ages, then to a brunch at the aforementioned aunt's house, and I got to show my art around a bit and catch up with people--particularly my cousin Evan's girlfriend Cally. She is just so sweet and I admit, I'm a little nervous that she and Evan are about to head into a long-distance relationship (they're off to college in the fall). It's silly and finicky, but I really like her. :)

Anyway, my restlessness to get the hell out and take a walk after my mom's storytelling tonight has since turned into exhaustion--I'll update with something a bit cheerier soon--promise!

Love--
-A.