For Robby.

Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away
into the next room.
I am I,
and you are you;
whatever we were to each other,
that, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way
which you always used,
put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air
of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we shared together.
Let my name ever be
the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all
that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.

All is well.

-'Death Is Nothing At All' by Henry Scott Holland

The thought of you and where you've gone...And the world spins madly on.

For those of you who are in Sewickley, I'm sure you've already heard. Robby, Brian's older brother, died on Friday the 24th of cardiomyopathy. He was 24.

It was very sudden, and unexpected, and awful, and I was in Baltimore when I got the call on Friday night, and am now back in Pittsburgh as of this afternoon. I bought a bus ticket out as soon as I could. Brian is one of my best friends, and Robby and Lauren were close, and I KNEW this person. I SAW him my last week in Pittsburgh this past May. It's surreal and absurd and so utterly unreal.

There isn't anything to say except that we're all grieving. God, bless and be with Brian and his family. Heal their hearts.

I'll be here 'til Wednesday--if you're in town, give me a call.

-Alyssa

LOL

Dave (John's best friend): teach john to swim and you can be the best man at my wedding

:D

Smilez.

Robin

i know 

i know 

i'll be so ashaaaamed [if I watch Gossip Girl and like it]

it took me years to get over liking everwood

12:49amAlyssa

it can be secret

and by secret

i mean i'm going to make you a tote that you have to carry

with the words "I watch Gossip Girl and like it" printed on the side

a TOTE, Robin.

12:49amRobin

hahahahahahahahahahahha

youre great 

Sheesh.

Okay, be prepared, because I'm about to go into a ramble.

As most of you know, the little box under my Facebook profile picture says "I want undiluted love." This is very true. My friends know this and have referenced my own phrase to me several times when I've expressed hesitance with a guy--several guys since I've returned to Baltimore (as you may have read).

I appreciate what they are trying to say--plainly, "WHY ARE YOU HESITATING, YOU DUMMY?" These inputs, paired with my own observations, can be ironed out into these points:

1. It's easier to love than be loved/be halfway.

When I'm interested in someone, I can handle the person not feeling the same way. It still sucks--don't get me wrong--but then, like with any rejection, one can have the freedom and the right to feel sad, angry, hurt, upset, etc.

For me, I'm in this awkward and limiting place where I can't summon the same feelings or potential for those feelings. This is a natural thing--we don't fall in love with everyone who is interested in us. Doy. However, I feel stifled when I can't reciprocate more than a little. :/ (Not that this is every case, but I'm never 'all-there' for that other person.) It's so hard to "have the control" in the situation, when I don't have control over my own feelings!

2. It sounds self-centered--"Oh, all these boys love me, what am I going to do?!"

I hate looking like some fickle asshole jerking guys around--I was best friends with those butthead girls, and I don't want to become one, having disengaged myself from that behavior in others already. I hate looking like a tease, or careless. The last thing I want to do is give someone the wrong impression, but it feels like setting myself up for failure to SAY 'Oh, I'm just trying you out--we'll see if I like you someday.'

3. I don't just feel like there's something missing in one situation, or two, but in myself.

The biggest frustration is feeling like there's something wrong with ME in not being able to feel for these boys in return. Now, don't get me wrong--sometimes I felt exactly what I was meant to (Nick and Chris were total wastes of time, for example, and I 'm glad I didn't waste any feelings on them), but there have been awesome guys that care about me that I can't be 100% for when they really deserve it!

I've written before that I want to be able to work and grow in my feelings alongside the other person, together. That is made very difficult when the other person is leaps ahead of me in regards to their feelings about me. That is nothing they've done wrong, in the least. It's a complete honor--just a lot of pressure.

I had a much-needed phone call with Melissa last night--I've been in a bit of a faith rut recently, and that call with her was so helpful in reassuring me that I need to stop stressing myself out. I'll feel for a man when it's supposed to happen, whoever it's with. Whew. She also reminded me of a certain line in Song of Solomon (2:7) that I need to keep in mind:

In my Bible (NAS), it says this, "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the hinds of the field, That you do not arouse or awaken my love Until she pleases."

Melissa's version (NIV) says this: "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Her translation is much prettier, and well, applicable. :)

I have to be patient. (Dammit.)

An unrelated eyeroll, from the first paragraph of Lacie's new blog: "I'm tempted to write something serious or consequential about my recent fall from grace, my new crush, my penniless existence, or my complete state of unbelief and the apparent utter loss of a future. Instead, however, I'd like to revert back to focusing on my one, true love, fashion."

Yesterday was a lovely day off--I got some errands run, wrote a letter and a nice, long diary entry (6th handwritten diary begun--woo!), watched The Other Boleyn Girl and had bonding time with Kirsi, and got my phone charger back! I'm connected with the real world again! :P

Today will be as productive and relaxing, hopefully. It's already gotten off to a good start! I went into the Main Building this morning for some Financial Aid stuff, and ran smack into some conservators restoring the plaster casts in the lobby! I watched them for a little bit, and started talking to them about programs and opportunities. Ugh--before I'd even APPLY to a program I need two years of chem. And then art history (which I've mostly done) and languages (a working knowledge of reading French and German for NYU). Eesh. There are only four art conservation programs in the country--and only three I'd really consider: NYU (LOLASIFI'DGETIN), University of Delaware (where Diane and Lori, the conservators, attended), and UCLA/Getty. Ugh. It's all so competitive and scary!

Alyssa, concentrate on NOW. TODAY. Sheesh.

God, you are good. :) I see the little things, little hints and bits of information and possibilities you set out for me. Thanks.

Robin visited this weekend, which was great! We watched The Room, as planned, and I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF. It was so bad/good. Go watch it. NOW.

Having some alone time with Robin for the first time since January was also wonderful--I missed us! :) Although I have to say, we get on each other's nerves x1,000,000,000 now. Why is that? We argued way more than we ever did before this weekend. But we always apologized. :P

I also went to New Jersey, to see Harry Potter with John and his friends--that was also a very successful trip, and one of the reasons I went on the above ramble in the first place. His family and friends are wonderful, and I felt entirely comfortable and welcomed by them (with the exception of his ex, which is to be expected). John has invited me to go with him and his family and a few friends to his beach house in Delaware next month, which I would love. Finally, a chance to break out the bathing suit I got in Corsica! :P But seriously, it would be a great chance to spend more time with the awesome people in his life.

Especially his mom--I was the most nervous about meeting her after what we now refer to as "The Talk", but she was down-to-earth and fun and funny and very willing to joke about John's ex. :D She's a lot of fun and we really bonded.

ANYWAY, I have some thesis stuffs to do, then watching Closer before I have to return it to the video store. I don't think I ever described much about my thesis project, have I? I won't say too, too much, but I was inspired by David, who told me about an abandoned subway station his friend took him to. I'll just say there's a sort of escapist fantasy involved. :)

I hope you all have an awesome day. :) I'll try and update more, and better!

Love,

-A.

Just when I thought I was consistent.

OKAY! Updates.

Well, Letta decided to be a big POOP this past week and lie to both Ben and Dan about her relationship with Dan. (To Ben and Me: 'We're over.' To Dan: 'We're not.') In finding this out, Ben and I decided to do the right thing and let Dan in on the situation of Letta's visit/stuff with Ben. I'm fuzzy on everything that's happened since then, but I'll keep you updated as I get more info.

ANYWAY, this past week was a good one for me as far as co-worker bonding. On Tuesday night I worked late and ended up getting offered a ride home by a busser who lives near me with a few servers and his girlfriend who's a hostess. His girlfriend was supposed to pick us up, but was running late, so this busser, Kenny, and his roommate Sarah, a server, invited me to Houlihan's for a drink to wait. They don't card, and as you all know, I'm not a big drinker to being with, so I asked the bartender to surprise me. He decided to make me a MASSIVE raspberry long island iced tea. It was good, but GIGANTIC. I drank 3/4 and a bit more of that, and had an Oatmeal Cookie shot (Goldschlager, Bailey's, Butterscotch Schnapps). Needless to say, I was drunk by then.

I chatted with Sarah and Jen, the bartender's girlfriend, and they were both INTENSELY supportive of me maintaining my virginity, which I thought was sweetly hysterical. I asked about Raul because, lame-o that I am, he's a total cutie patootie and we flirt like anything. He is a manwhore, by all accounts. Hm.

SO, the next night, Raul invited me out to Houlihan's and a bar in Fell's Point after his shift. Ben came over that night, and we both met Raul at Houlihan's with a bunch of other Hard Rock people. There was flirting and more drinking (but significantly less than Tuesday, although I had a tasty Mudslide), and we went to Fell's Point, to this seedy-as-balls bar called Friends, where Ben traded the use of his lighter for weed. Wow.

ANYWAY. More flirting, blah blah. The other servers that came along, Angie and Brandi (I know) didn't know my name, and were calling me 'Pretty Girl'. Sweet. Thus, this interaction ensued.

Me: That's so sweet of [Brandi and Angie]! :D

Raul: And very accurate.

Me: Oh. Thank you! :) *long pause* Um. I totally think you're super-cute.

Raul: (actually surprised) REALLY?

Me: Um. Duh.

(Later.)

Raul: You know. I didn't think you thought that about me. What you said earlier.

Me: About thinking you're totally cute?

Raul: Yeah. I mean, most girls get turned off by the, you know--

Me: Mustache? Well. I don't LOVE it. But it looks surprisingly good on you!

Things were going well. (Heh.) Finally, Ben did what we were all thinking, and was like "BTW, MAKE A MOVE, PLZ" to Raul. I DID NOT ASK HIM TO. Let this be VERY clear. I only suspected that he did it until he confirmed it after the fact.

So, Ben went inside (we'd been hanging out on the sidewalk outside of the bar), and Raul came out, like clockwork, and sat next to me on a nearby stoop. After some small talk about how glad we were that I came out, he kissed me. And the mustache wasn't that bad! :P So, we talked a bit about how things started between us--apparently, he was completely into me when we first met at Paper Moon while he was on a date with Liz, a fellow MICAn and co-worker of ours (WHOOPS), and I was with Betsy and her dad. Let me set it up and integrate our points-of-view:

Me and Liz: (Chit-chatting while Raul is in the bathroom--I haven't seen him yet.)

Raul: (Returns and sits with his back to me.)

Liz: (Introduces us.)

Raul: (Turns.)

Me: ("CUTE BOY!")

Raul: ("BEAUTIFUL GIRL! Crap. I'm on a date with this other girl! Be on the date, Raul!" [His words! He explained it like this!])

Me and Raul: (Shake hands and grin like doofs.)

Me: (Thumbs up at Liz.)

So, Raul was very clear that he was attracted from the start, and that my un-craziness was refreshing. :P We haven't talked much more since then, and have only made tentative plans, but I'll (obviously) keep you updated.

ALSO, I've reconnected with Hector, the cutie-patootie who wrote and cast me in Ink. He's returning to MICA for grad school in the fall, and he's just the sweetest and most serious guy ever, and I'm really looking forward to talking to him again and more. :)

Not much else to report otherwise, except that I'm going to New Jersey on Monday or Tuesday to see HARRY POTTER. I am so, so excited. I am going to meet John's family and friends (finally) and I'm SUPER-EXCITED, because, obviously, HP is involved. :D And costumes. (Yes, I'm a nerd. SO WHAT.)

And Robin is coming to visit next week for a Six Flags excursion next Sunday (days-off permitting)! I am very excited, because we will also be watching The Room (which he is selfishly seeing without me in Pittsburgh tonight. Jerk. :P). The Room is the Tommy Wiseau classic that brings us these shining beacons of screenwriting brilliance:

HAHAHAHA. It should be an epic first viewing for me.

Love you guys, and I hope you're all doing well.

-A.

My 200th Post!

To kick us, off let's have some Why I Love Brian, Part Fourteen:

Brian: (About the Jack's Mannequin/Fray concert) These drunk ass girls came behind us and it was the tightest packed concert ever, there was no room. And they were screeching like I've never heard before, and then they started to jump.

Me: UGH.

Brian: Landing on people's feet, elbowing people in the head, yelling at the bassist, who they claimed to know. And then this girl behind us started to jump again, elbowed this one girl in the head, then elbowed me. And I finally got real low, used my shoulder and just threw her. Like, 5 feet. And yelled a bunch--some curse words. Then she pushed me back. Pretty good, too--I'll give it to her.

HAHAHAHHAHAA. Oh, Kev, you crack me up.

Now, about my weekend. The visit with Letta was absolutely wonderful. I was only sorry that I had to work so much. :/ However, this arrangement did lend itself to my master plan: Hook-Letta-Up-With-Ben.

Mission: Accomplished.

They hit it off, and despite a few bumpy points (AKA Letta acting weird as shit), really enjoyed each other's company (they are both awesome--what could've gone wrong?!). We'll see how things pan out for the future.

My July 4th was WONDERFUL. I had work in the morning, which was fine--easy. When I got home that evening, I found out Ben and Letta had spent the day walking around Baltimore, talking silly photos and climbing monuments illegally. Romance at it's finest. :P (Sidenote: we also ended up wading in one of the fountains on my street a few nights ago. It was cold, but fun!) We made a plan to picnic on the roof, and we made hot dogs (boiled in beer--new!) and turkey burgers and french fries, and Jen was kind enough to leave us a few of the cupcakes she'd made for the cookout SHE attended.

Once we made everything, we loaded it all into plastic bags and hoisted it up my fire escape to the roof. The first few stories were easy--all stairs. But then you get to the last story, and it's a ladder. And I had a bag around my wrist and my eyes facing straight forward, telling myself to 'look at the bricks, and ONLY the bricks' as I dangled over the Park Avenue sidewalk. But, I made it, unscathed. :D Lauren called me, and Mom texted, and it really put the cherry on top to hear from them, even briefly. :) (Mom called me a 'yenta', hahaha.)

We laid out our blanket and food and ate and drank and talked for awhile, until the sky got dark and the fireworks shows started. ALL of them. It was like a 360-degree show! At least 12 shows going, overlapping each other. So much fun! And Ben taught Letta and I to tango, and we cuddled on the blanket together after the show was over and just enjoyed talking and laughing. After a while, we cleaned up and descended, and walked to 7-11 and sat outside, sipping our drinks and talking about people from home--explaining the drama to Ben, mostly. :P

We all fell asleep in my living room to James and the Giant Peach playing on the PS2, and I woke up on the floor early, and crawled up onto the vacated couch. I still got up early enough to make cinnamon rolls though! And we ate those the next morning and watched funny videos and chit-chatted and enjoyed the morning. We went for lunch to Jay Viccino's Italian on Charles Street. OKAY. Why on earth haven't I gone there before?! They're delicious, AND they offer 10% off for MICA students! AWESOME.

But, alas, we did have to say goodbye at some point. :( But I know we'll talk soon, and hopefully often.

It was a wonderful visit, and an awesome weekend--thanks to all of you who were involved! :D I hope the rest of you had a great one, too. :)

Love!

-A.

Letta's here!

And everything is going swimmingly. I will posit again that I am a genius. :D

I've given Ben and Letta a great deal of space in the past day, as I've been working and they've gone on smoke breaks. My patience has been exercised pretty damn well, I must say! But naturally, I'm still me, and by the end of Ben's visit this afternoon, I went from sitting by the living room window, watching them smoke to sprinting across the hall to my neighbors place in order to get access to a window looking out over the parking lot and Ben's car. (And, in talking to that neighbor, I missed the kiss! I'm ashamed at my spy skills. :P) I'd like to thank Zoe-Zoe for not thinking I'm a crazy creepo stalker.

It's so good to have her here, and I'm just enjoying her company, even while I'm posting and she's playing video games (something I simply cannot get into, no matter what). We can work independently, together, and it's a lovely feeling. :)

I had a great talk this morning with Robin, who called me from the Adirondacks to ask about the visit and to talk about his doings at the lodge where he's visiting. Now, Robin and I have been best friends the whole time, but something about this particular conversation clicked that last missing piece into place, and it's nice to feel perfectly at ease and warm and comfy and excited about being friends with him again. :D

Betsy called too, and makes me miss her all the more! Although Jen and I are doing well at bonding, considering our newly shared active dating lifestyles. (AKA, I've been a ho lately.)

In other news, I am shamelessly addicted to Twitter. Just, get it and tweet with me. I get the updates ON MY CELL. Seriously. Do it.

Chris, my work friend/date situation, has been basically ignoring me since our awkward Braveheart interaction. And when he isn't ignoring me, he's glad-handing me. Being WAY too nice, but detached. Honestly, I'm totally cool with things being done, he just needs to man up and tell me the deal. Especially now that Raul did his part and accidentally spilled the beans about a July 4th BBQ that Chris is currently planning that I am not invited to. Ooooops. :) But, Raul took the liberty of inviting me ("Everyone's welcome!"), and who knows? Maybe I'll show up looking hot. :P

As for Nick, he sent me a few drunken texts last night, and if you have a sharp eye (read: if they post it), you may see one on Texts from Last Night. Just saying. He texted me this morning, too, but I think I offended him unintentionally. :/ Well, if implying that drinking alone every night isn't healthy is wrong, well--well, it isn't wrong. I am right.

:)

Love you all,

-A.

I caved.

After nearly a year of resistance, I got a Twitter--now you can keep up with my doings even more obsessively! :P

Don't worry! I'll still be updating as much as before.

After three long, lazy days off with very little sleep, I go back to work today at 4. Then, tonight, a beautiful thing happens--Letta arrives! :D I am very, VERY excited, as I've only seen her for about an hour in the last six months. But the great thing is, she and I can always pick up right where we left off.

In other news, well...I am lazy and have barely left the house, although I DID attend the Orioles/Red Sox game with Mark, his brother, and his brother's three friends, all of whom were incredibly sweet. We were losing 10-1 by the seventh inning, when the rain began. Luckily we'd moved under the awning before we got poured on! After about 45 minutes (during which Joey V. helped me open my Twitter account via text), the game started up again, and we got 5 runs in each of the next two innings to make it 11-10! It was amazing. I'm no baseball nut, but it was cool to see a turnaround that huge!

As I said, not too much to fill you in on here, but I hope you're all having a lovely day!

-A.