Merry Christmas!

I hope you're all having a wonderful day with family and friends! This year is the first Christmas spent away from my mom, Dad, and siblings, and I miss them very much, but I'm very happy to be with John and his family, who have shown me so much love and hospitality!

Spread some love around today.

Be joyful! Christ is born! :)

Love,

A.

An important discovery.

The past week since Mom and Robert got married has seen a change in me. I've become much firmer--even bordering on rude--with mom when she's tried to engage me in an adverse way. It's made her much meeker with me very quickly. On one hand, I'm glad to avoid more arguments, especially over stupid things. On the other, I feel that I might be denying myself the opportunity to defend myself in more depth. Like, am I showing independence by side-stepping her confrontations? Or am I just being stubborn and petty?

The discovery I'm referring to is that I've been worrying myself over something nonexistant. That is, my mom's expectations for me. 'Nonexistent' is a very final term, of course. I know Mom has general expectations for me--success, security, etc. But her aversion to my current plans (I mean future plans of engagement and marriage, not the current living situation), has made me wonder: what does she want from me? I've asked myself that question many times, but have always been distracted from the answer. Truly, what does she want from me?

I realized that she doesn't know anymore than I do. And because of that, I don't really know why she's mad! I don't know, so I can't counter it. I haven't frustrated her wishes for me to be successful or secure yet--nothing's happened! All I've been made aware of is what I shouldn't do--don't get engaged right now, don't move because you can't afford it, etc. The only "do" I've been offered is work harder, make more money. Which is fine--I know I need to work, I know I have a lot to do to make up the money I owe, both personally and for school. I have been working--both waitressing and doing art--and I feel good about it. Mom seems to approve, which is great. (As old/independent as I get, I've still been conditioned to long for her approval.)

I'm not sure what will come of this revelation, but I'll be sure to keep you posted. :)

-A.

P.S. In other news, I've updated my blog, so go check it out!

Family Update!

My Mom got married! Woooo! :D

She and her fiance made a last-minute decision to just go ahead and get married already, and planned a small ceremony in just 9 days! It went over really well, and we're all really pleased to be moving ahead!

There was an after-party hosted by one of Mom's close friends, which was lovely (and tasty!), although I was a little frustrated to get made fun of by my Mom, sister and brother for legally having a beer (they basically treated it like a big joke, or like it was surreal, since I'm such a goodie-two-shoes, I guess).

Yet, it's not weird for teenage Lauren to have a cigarette with Mom four minutes later? Also they've both been shooting tequila since age 13? Just struck me as odd.

Despite the awesome occasion of the marriage, other family drama has arisen:

My family (I'm referring to my immediate family, but I guess this applies to the aunts and uncles, etc. as well) has an tendency to be all talk--myself included. Thanks to rampant family drama (owing partially to my engagement, but more to prior family issues), we've all been in this knot of passive-aggression for--in some cases--years. It's a mess. Everyone has done something to hurt someone else (my mom is usually the one getting offended, I find), but no one will talk about it, and just lets it fester into an open sore of tension and bitterness.

In this case, my aunt said something nasty about my Mom to my sister, who chose to tell Mom about it instead of saying something directly to my aunt. Then, in turn, Mom is hurt and upset, but refuses to directly address my aunt, etc. This is riding on the heels on some other comments of my aunt's...

When I hear what has been said, I suspect that my aunt's venom has to do with her disagreement of how Mom reacted to my engagement to John. My aunt was the first to hear--direct from Mom--how she felt about the situation, and was the one who sort of warned the rest of Mom's siblings about Mom's attitude, in the hopes that I would receive some support from family if I wasn't getting it at home. My aunt expressed to me a few times her disagreement, and definitely said things she shouldn't have--although I wasn't going to be the one to upset Mom with them for no reason. Unfortunately, she chose to say something rude about Mom's reaction in front of KJ, and KJ--being a loyal son--went directly to Mom as well.

So, I felt responsible for my engagement (and Mom's reaction) inciting my aunt's feelings and comments, so I took it upon myself to me direct and cut to the heart of the matter. I sent a message to my aunt, making it clear that I understood communicating her disagreement with Mom's style, but badmouthing her repeatedly was a wrong move, and that I hoped she would make it right. Mom didn't know I sent the message.

This was two weeks ago. I mentioned the message to Mom this morning, as Mom brought up the situation in general. Mom thought I should have asked Lauren first if it was okay to contact my aunt (wtf?), but was grateful that I took the steps to defend her. (You mean, took the steps to be direct for the first time in our family?)

As fate would have it, I received a reply a few hours later--and apparently Mom got a voicemail. My aunt was "irate"--Mom's words--and apparently had no idea what I was talking about. I replied back, apologizing if I came off as rude and outlined the facts I had that made me send the message in the first place. I told her if I got it wrong to please correct me, but I get the feeling she was surprised I defended Mom at all, since Mom is not supportive of my engagement and my aunt is.

We'll see. I AM sorry if I came off as rude, but I'm not sorry for calling someone out on a nasty comment about my mom. Just saying. Honestly, it should've been addressed as soon as it came out of my aunt's mouth. I guess that's what I get for making the effort to diffuse the situation.

Friday the 13th--as unlucky a day as it ever was. :P

-A.

Finally!

My wisdom teeth are gone! My surgery was this morning at about 8 AM. I was glad to get it over with after this monstrosity of a situation from earlier this year.

I admit, I was nervous about going under anesthesia, but I don't even remember falling asleep. I barely remember waking up! I just remember being helped over to recovery and getting oddly weepy for some reason--although I don't think any actual tears were shed.

Brandon was a super-trooper and took me to and from the doctor's this morning, and Mom has been readily available to me all day. :) I'm sore, but not too swollen. I wish I could drink something, but I'm too nervous about disrupting the blood clot (which still isn't forming, over 4 hours later >:( ) and getting a dry socket, which I hear are the absolute WORST.

Might feel up to a milkshake later, though. :P

In other news, things in the house have gotten a lot better--although there have been bumps! John and Mom's fiance have had one phone conversation, which cleared up a lot of angst on both sides. I'm optimistic that things will turn out, in time.

It's John's 22nd birthday tomorrow, and I've sent him some goodies in the mail to tie him over until I can see him in person. I know, almost a year of dating, plus engagement and I'm missing his birthday because of work and teeth. But I'll be there at the beginning of September for our one-year anniversary!

On a sadder note, tomorrow is also the anniversary of Robby's death. I've been spending a lot of quality time with Brian this summer--well, as much as our schedules will allow anyway--and that's meant a lot to me. Brian's one of my best friends, and I'm really proud of him.

There's a tailgate being held for Robby at a Pittsburgh Pirate game in two weeks, which should be a really great event in his memory.

Mom just made me a milkshake, so I'm going to enjoy that and watch some crappy daytime TV! :D

Wish me a speedy recovery!

Love,

A.

Three weeks later...

Things have settled. As soon as John went back to New Jersey all hell broke lose. Mom was FURIOUS--and still is, for the most part. Thankfully, things are slowly moving back from screaming fights to heated discussions to relatively normal day-to-day life.

I won't detail the arguments here--it's not necessary--but I will say that having repeated circular talks about something that won't happen for two years doesn't help a thing. Hopefully we can all move forward together as time goes on.

In other news, stuff with X and John has been patched up, and I spoke to Lacie last night for the first time in a while. Well, I actually saw her a month ago, which I never actually detailed here! Odd. Long story short: Me, Brian, and our friends Chris and JJ went mini-golfing, and Lacie was there with her longtime ex (and Brian, Chris, and JJs friend) Matt. It was a little bit of a "Busted!" moment, because Matt has largely spoken ill of Lacie since they broke up for good. It was awkward for everyone (after all, Brian and I are 'exes' of Lacie's, too), but we were all friendly.

I've been home alone for the last day--Mom and Robert are in Maryland/DC for a job interview (keeping my fingers crossed!) and KJ is at Dad's. Lauren moved back to OU and is settling into her new house, which is awesome.

I got a job at an upscale boutique in town--I'm pretty excited. I get to sell rich ladies expensive clothes. And we're encouraged not to lie, so I get to tell them if they look fat! Pretty psyched. Also waiting to hear from The Clay Cafe--one of those paint-your-own pottery places. They said they're losing two people by the end of this month. Hopefully my art school cred will get me in!

Wish me luck! I'll definitely need two jobs this summer, but if they're two jobs I like, I'm totally okay with that! I don't need to revisit the summer after freshman year. *shudder*

Love,

A.

ENGAGED WOOOOO!!!!!

As most of you already know, John and I got engaged this past weekend at the end of my week-long visit. It was wonderful and awesome, and I will describe the whole experience, but I'm in the process of creating an engagement/wedding blog now, apart from my personal one. I'll still update this one, but I'll be using the wedding one for wedding details/inspiration/musing. Once I get it up and running, my first post will be all about the engagement, and I'll link you right over.

ETA: Here you go! Up and running!

But, I CAN describe the trip in the meantime. Mom and I headed out to Maryland with Robert and KJ on May 28th so I could complete my move, pay my landlord (yay!), and meet up with John. John drove down from New Jersey to help me move out, and to attend my godmother's daughter Mary's graduation from the Naval Academy.

Here's us, with Mary in her dress whites, now an Ensign! The graduation was long (we had to be in the DOOR by 9 after standing outside in line for more than a half-hour), but the weather was PERFECT (although John and I got a teensy bit sunburned). Mary's party was afterwards, and I got to meet her handsome boyfriend Van Gordon (just a nickname--he goes by Gordon).

John and I headed up to Gambrills to his aunt and uncle's place after the party and spent the night there--Richie and Mandee surprised us by coming by the next day. I've written about them: Richie is John's cousin who also attends the Naval Academy, and Mandee is his gorgeous fiancée. They're a year younger than we are, and got engaged in July of 2009, but that's only because they wanted to make sure all of the midshipmen could attend the wedding before getting shipped out to their assignments a month after graduation. And since you can't get married while you're enrolled in the Naval Academy, they scheduled the wedding for one week after Richie's graduation. Intense!

So we visited briefly with them and got on the road to New Jersey, where we spent the night at John's best friend Dave's and met a few of his friends. we went out to the beach for about twenty minutes that night--it was gorgeous, even if it was chilly. Looking at the ocean in the dark is scary, but it's exciting. We went back to Cranford, John's hometown, the next day and then to John's OTHER aunt and uncle's place about an hour away for dinner and, the following day, a Memorial Day picnic. Lots of cute babies running around, throwing Cheerios at the Koi pond. :)

We met up with another one of John's close friends, Brian (or B. Ho, as I've tagged him here before) and drove to a pier on the seaside where we had an awesome lunch at a restaurant that I sadly can't remember the name of (they had this specialty butter made with garlic, oregano, dill, salt, and pepper, and maybe paprika? It was SO GOOD). We also introduced him to Wizard People, Dear Reader, which, if you're a Harry Potter fan and you haven't seen it, you should do that ASAP.

The rest of the week was basically spent hanging out and watching back Doctor Who episodes to get me caught up (we finished the whole first season) until Saturday, when set-up for John's grad party when into overdrive. The whole day was spent moving/cooking/assembling/rummaging through the garage to find every little thing necessary for the celebration, which came together without a hitch. Even better, I got to see a bunch of John's friends that I haven't seen in months, like Tracey and Marie (more on her in a moment), and John even surprised me with the awesome Colin M. Ford, who came all the way from Baltimore for the party! It was an awesome time, and I'm so glad I was there.

There was one person in John's life who did NOT attend, but that's mostly because she wasn't invited, and she isn't technically in John's life anymore. John's ex, Christine (tagged 'X'--which they actually call her, along the lines of 'Xmas') has been making things plenty weird for those of John's friends who are still in touch with him. I'd spoken to one of her close friends, Kim, in the past, who confirmed that Christine has brought me up, at least, and the fact that she's uncomfortable with Kim and I being friends (jerk). Dave also told us that X called him right before our graduation and asked him "Why did John cut me out of his life?" (never mind that she was the one to unfriend us on Facebook three months ago), "Why doesn't he like me anymore?" Sigh. Because you broke up TWO YEARS AGO. She has a boyfriend, too--sure, he looks like a potato, but they've been together almost as long as John and I have, and it's just not fair to him.

Now, at the party, Marie indicated that as soon as Christine found out about John's grad party (through me, actually--I asked Marie on her wall if she was coming--I didn't really think about Christine and Marie still being friends), Christine started calling and texting Marie after about a year of not doing anything of the kind. Obviously Marie knew what was up, so she didn't bother to return the messages--one particular voicemail was Christine saying that she "wants [Marie's] opinion on something that's been tormenting [her] for awhile". SIGH.

Marie eventually got it out of her in text--X was confused about John: first he "chews [her] out" via Facebook message (which he did, but only to tell her to stop being so desperate and weird and start treating him like a friend, NOT like an ex), and then he acts all interested in her life again! (AKA, he sent her a Happy Birthday message nearly SIX months after the initial "chewing out".) This girl. She is just so in love with John STILL--which I really can't blame her for entirely, John is a lot to lose--but it's been two years, she's had other boyfriends/hookups, she's IN A RELATIONSHIP, and still pining. It's unhealthy and weird.

I would have absolutely no issues with John and Christine being friends. Zero. If she could just stop acting like a stalker, we'd be good to go.

After the party, Tracey and Marie and a bunch of cousins and aunts and uncles stayed over, and that was the night John proposed. :D More on that another time.

The following day was all celebration and a lot of driving. We went to a wonderful church that morning, and packed up our stuff and got on the road to Pittsburgh, which is when I found out that Marie had sent Christine a looooong message, basically telling X how much she was missing out on by being so weird to John and I. It was very straightforward and mature. I was super-impressed with Marie. Hopefully Christine doesn't take it the wrong way--but that's pretty inevitable, I'd say.

So, we get back to Pittsburgh and I am TERRIFIED, but manage to tell my mom and Robert and KJ about the engagement--Mom reacted pretty well, although she's been sort of tense around us for the past couple of days. I called Lauren and Dad and told them, too--Lauren sounded positively disgusted on the phone: "ARE YOU SERIOUS? With, like, a RING?" (Imagine the word 'Ew' hanging unspoken after that sentence, and you can picture her tone. :P) We also told Joey V. and the Ruzichs, who were very excited for us. Telling people is the best part. :)

So, families and close (in proximity) friends aside, we told Facebook Monday morning, and have gotten a pretty steady stream of positive comments. Let me tell those of you reading that we are not getting married for close to two years--we're not jumping into anything here, despite popular opinion. Have faith in us!

So now we're home, and having lunch with my mom's parents today before John drives back to New Jersey. :((((((

I hope you're all having as good of a week as I've been! So much love to all of you!

-A.

Dunzo!

I turned in my commencement show artwork today, and e-mailed my final paper to a professor--I am officially DONE. Holy crap!

Apart from hanging my work on Monday, I'm completely done with my responsibilities to MICA! So weird! I'm old!

I'm going home on Thursday, and I'll be back on Sunday morning for graduation! BLAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

I'll probably go home with Mom the following day (hopefully after a Devlin/Jennette brunch), spend the week at home job-searching, etc. Then coming BACK to Maryland for Mary's graduation from the Naval Academy on the 24th. John wants me to come back to New Jersey with him after that--He's having his graduation party on June 5th, and there's a production of Beauty and the Beast in Scranton on June 6th, but I doubt Mom will go for a two-week jaunt to NJ when I'm meant to be earning money to pay back the personal loans I owe (let alone the student loans).

But, John proves (once again) to be flexible and understanding, so, we'll talk about it at graduation, and he's willing to come pick me up in Sewickley to take me back for the graduation party/Beauty and the Beast. The next time I'd see him would be July 15th, for the Jennette family picnic--I've never met his dad's side before!

In less thrilling news, my wisdom tooth pain has returned with a vengeance. It's been a little over a month since my last flare-up, and this has been worse than anything I've had yet. I told Mom about it and she's reassured me that it's a priority to get them out when I get back, so I'll get the surgery for real this time ASAP. Hopefully this is a very temporary (if almost unbearable) pain--please let it go away during the wedding/graduation! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. It can hurt when I get home and can do something about it!

Hope you're all pain-free!

-A.

Graduation Weekend, and 'Why I Love Brian', Part 26

The reality of graduation is starting to hit me. UGH.

Actually, I'm really excited. There are some amazing things happening in my life, even alongside the money troubles and long-distance drama. I'm excited to come back to Sewickley again for the summer and a bit beyond. Granted, it was NOT my (or my mom's) plan for me to move back in--I had no desire to work backwards. However, I'm embracing it because it's necessary.

My only issue is the stress of finding a job and earning money. Mom is eager for me to get work in the arts right away, but that's difficult enough as it is without A) a license, or B) (even if I had one) a car to use. I have a friend, Sara Beth, who works at ModCloth--a great creative outlet and Pittsburgh company, but it looks like they're only hiring for jobs that are a bit out of my skill set--web development and management stuff. And Joey V. works at The Cafe in Sewickley, which apparently pays well. I've never served, but it's a nice place (although I've heard the drama is intense--at least while Chase worked there).

I'm not too worried, but I don't like the pressure being applied--it's unnecessary, especially when I haven't even gotten home to survey the options.

However, all of that is on the back burner, as we mount an attack on the monstrosity known as 'Graduation Weekend'. John and I want to blend the families for graduation dinner, which his mom is totally up for, but...my mom is hesitant. In part due to nerves about my growing up and moving quickly, etc., and in part about wanting it to be a family day, and in another (I'm willing to bet) larger part, money ["I'd be responsible to foot the bill at whatever restaurant they chose for you, me, and my parents"]. Which I completely sympathize with, but...not the best excuse, as Mimi and Pappy have ALWAYS offered (cheerfully) to treat us. Is it a pride issue? She did say she wasn't interested in Mimi and Pappy paying. It's whatever.

However, she acknowledged without prompting that John and I are going to get married, so I was pleased about that.

Mom, instead, wants to get drinks with John's family and have dinner at my aunt's (who she has not even consulted yet, by the way). If that's the way it has to be, I'm okay with it, but I don't really get her hesitance. I don't want our families to be strangers to each other!

Not to mention the crunch of hanging my show between the 8th and 12th, coming home on the 13th, rehearsal dinner on the 14th, wedding the 15th, home on the 16th! Insanity! But it'll be fun. :)

@@@

For some humor, Brian and I had this hysterical (to us) conversation about founding a religion based on the song 'Bet on It' from High School Musical 2.

Seriously. Watch this first to understand what the hell we're talking about.

Me: [on 'Do It For Our Country' from Grease 2] It's not 'Bet On It' quality, but good.

Brian: Well, to be fair, nothing is. Ever. Past, present or future.

Me: Soooo true. That song changed my life and the way I look at modern movement.

Brian: If we were asked to make a time capsule of human kind to send out into space, 'Bet On It' would be my number one choice

Me: Absolutely. SO GOOD.

Brian: It represents music, movie, tv, art, one of our future Gods in his early days.

Me: Totally. Can we found betonitism?

Brian: It's a perfect choice for a time capsule. We will base an entire philosophy upon it.

Me: We'll be Boltonites.

Brian: I'm really liking this.

Me: Like 'Peace be with you', 'Bet on it' will be our blessing.

Brian: We can have a 'Bolton's Prayer':

"We will not talk at you"

"We will not get in your head"

"We will listen to our own heart talking"

"We will count on our own self instead"

Me: YESSSSS.

And when we initiate people, we'll have a questionnaire:

"Did you ever:

A) Doubt your dreams would ever come true?

B) Blame the world but never blame you?"

Brian: Hahahahahha, this is too much.

Me: Oh! And "Did you ever:

C) Push away the ones you should have held close?

D) Let go?

E) Not know?"

Brian: Hahahaha, I just got to that part in the song... as I have it on repeat now.

Me: And when they get accepted, they'll have to say, "I will never try to live a lie again".

Brian: The choreography just blows my mind.

Me: The guy must have been on 'luudes when he made it up.

Brian: Seriously. He woke up that day and was like, "MAN have I got a great idea for this dance sequence. We'll have him dancing on the golf course... and inexplicably start running and doing bizarre jumps every few steps... It'll look GREAT!"

Me: "Question Three: When met with a golf course, you do what?:

A) Throw the sand from the sandtraps emoishly.

B) Prance around doing complicated leaps.

C) Watch yourself reflectively in the water hazard."

Brian: D) All of the above.

Me: YES. Trick question. It is ALWAYS all of the above... Because Troy does whatever it takes.

@@@

We have fun. :)

Hope you're all well!

-A.

Looks like I get to keep my job..

Thank goodness!

I also spoke to my Uncle David about securing a loan for the rest of the rent I owe ($750). Mom was frustrated that I didn't ask for another $900 in order to pay back my godmother for the loan I got from HER. I understand and appreciate consolidating, but I'm not at all the type to ask for more than I immediately NEED, and since I'm paying it all back anyway, sending it off to two separate people or just one isn't really the battle I'm going to pick.

To my Mom it's a personal thing--she doesn't like that I got a loan from my godmother at all, and she feels that as Kathleen's close friend, it's her responsibility to get her money back first. Which I totally get, and in an ideal world, I agree. But it seems sort of weird to repay one loan with another. I don't know. Maybe I just didn't feel comfortable asking for almost $2000 from an uncle I'm not even that close to. But he was more than willing to help (Thank God), and we're on our way.

And actually, $750 is the number right now--I have another month to come up with whatever I can give my landlady before the lease is up, and I could be down to $500 by then! (Wishful thinking...) We'll see.

Today is a full day--thankfully I don't have class tonight, and can concentrate on doing work and going to bed early. WHEW.

Hope you're all well and caught up with whatever you're up to!

-A.

Whew.

Things have been much better since spilling the truth to Mom, but I'm still nervous about my meeting with Lonnie tomorrow--wish me luck!

In other news, I went to NYC yesterday for a class and walked through 15 galleries, thirteen of which were filled with shitty art. (UGH.) I really like New York (too bad John doesn't--too busy for him), and I wish I could have spent the day doing what I wanted rather than hiking through Chelsea in the chill.

I spent the first half of the day giving tours at the MICA Open House, which was fun, but TIRING, and now John and I are about to have dinner. Sorry to dash!

Hope you're all well!

-A.

Since this is all out in the open now...

I told Mom today, so now I can tell you all.

I owe my landlady $1250 in back rent. I got a $900 loan from my godmother a few months ago for part of the larger debt. I kept both of these things a secret from my mom for four months, which was stupid, I know, but I know how stressful her life is already.

The emotional breakdown I had this week was largely to do with this debt, and the fact that I had plans to move to a new place with Betsy and had the new deposit and slightly more expensive rent to worry about, etc. made me seize with a panic so intense I could barely see straight.

This afternoon, my mom began asking me questions about the new lease and the deposit and how I would pay and jobs, which sent me into a decision--I could lie and evade about the debt, or I could tell her and maybe get some real help. So, I told her. She wasn't mad, just frustrated that I left her out of it for so long.

We decided, tentatively, for me to move home and pay off the debt without worrying about rent or bills. It sucks that I won't be living as close to John as I'd hoped to, but this is more important right now. We'll still be together, after all--there's no changing that.

Feels good to get that off my chest.

-A.

A Frustrating Day.

This morning, John and I were supposed to drive back to my hometown of Sewickley so I could see my little brother KJ in a musical for the first time. He had a supporting lead in The Sound of Music--one of my personal favorite shows--and I was SO EXCITED to go and support him.

Unfortunately, last night it decided to snow--not much in Baltimore or Pittsburgh, but the snow decided to plop itself right in our path--6 to 10 inches, apparently, although I have no idea what the weather was ACTUALLY like on the Turnpike, as we never left. Both of my parents warned me about the danger of driving on the Turnpike in snow (the travel speed was reduced to 45mph there), and if we were only going to be there for one day it wasn't worth it. Of course, Mom left the decision entirely up to me (Dad basically told me not to come), which (of course) means that I knew I had to stay home. I was furious. I cried for a few hours, had John call Mom to tell her--because I didn't want to talk--and had John tell Mom to tell Dad, and tell him not to call me.

Maybe I was overreacting (John insisted I wasn't), but I was SO disappointed. I've never seen KJ perform, especially a role like Max Detweiler, and I had my heart set on it. I hated having to surrender to something as stupid and changeable as the weather--especially when I couldn't see it myself. I'm still now sure if it was worth it to stay--if we'd have been in any REAL danger to drive down. Either way, it's done now. :/

John was instrumental in getting me through the day--apart from putting up with my tears, he was all too willing to stick around and make me lunch (after we fell asleep for three hours--crying always tires me out) and snuggle me up if I needed it. And, of course, offer me delicious Chinese food for dinner. Seriously, he knows how to show me love. :P

I also cut myself some bangs today--John initially brought it up--citing photos of me from Fall 2008. He thinks I'd look great in bangs again, and Robin quickly seconded this when I brought up cutting my bangs to Katie on Wednesday night when we all went out for burgers (and to watch Canada cream Russia--woo!). So, I decided 'What the hell?', and cut my bangs in the bathroom this afternoon. They need to grow in a little bit, but I'm happy--I just need to pay a bit more attention to my eye makeup now. :P

The senior party--entitiled 'Gala Obscura'--is tomorrow night. It's a cocktail party, and I have to decide what on Earth to WEAR. I don't want to go too formal, but I would hate to be overdressed. What to do?!

Hope you're all doing well. Stay warm!

Love,

-A.

My Family is Embarrassing. (But also hilarious.)

(We were talking on Facebook about my teacher Dan Krall.)

Mom: Good teacher.

Alyssa: Yeah, I love him. I took this class so I could have him again before I graduated. He taught me my 2nd year, and I got SO much better under him.

Mom: teehee 'have' him

Mom: tee hee 'under him'

@@@

(To explain, I did the 'Top 5' thing on Facebook where you can select who would play you, your love interest, etc. in a movie about your life. I chose Joaquin Phoenix as the love interest because John resembles him. I should also say Lauren kept a photo of River Phoenix hanging in our room from when she was 14 to when she graduated from high school. Lauren chose to comment on this post.)

Lauren: joaquin phoenix? seriously.

Alyssa: Seriously. What's the problem with that?

Lauren: like. anyone in the world? and you picked joaquin phoenix?

Alyssa: Hahaha. Lauren. I chose him because he looks like John. Doof. :P

Lauren: ohhh. i see i see. but still. JOAQUIN PHOENIX!?

Alyssa: Actually, before he got all gross and had a career as a rapper, I was totally into Joaquin. Joaquin>River.(And Joaquin cleaned up recently, too.)

Lauren: WOAHHHHHHHHHHH JOAQUIN<<<<<< River. River was the fuckin' shit and I will not tolerate any disrespect to his memory.

Christmas Update!

For Christmas Eve, it is the usual tradition that we go to my Mimi and Pappy's and see my mom's side of the family. It is equally traditional that my mom hates it. This year was a bit better because we didn't stay for dinner, and my aunts and uncles were interested to hear about John, so I had something more enjoyable to talk about than what I'm going to do after graduation. We didn't stay for a proper dinner after all, but left early and hung out at home before attending a 9pm candlelight service and the Presbyterian church where Robert now works.

Christmas was fairly small as far as gifts (although my laptop was a combination birthday/Christmas gift)--money, gift cards, earphones from KJ, a monogrammed shot glass from Lauren (:P), a massive book on American artists from my aunt, a funny little Christmas-themed cutting board from my Nana, and a set of pens from Mom and Robert so I can write their wedding invitations! My stocking also contained these stunning little gold post earrings with sapphires and diamonds in them. So small and delicate, but one of the favorite things I received. Not too shabby. Plus, I know John has something big and spectacular coming (he's only been bragging about it since Fall Break--SERIOUSLY). So, I'm feeling fairly lame about my just-under-medium-sized gift in comparison, but I think (hope) he'll like it. :)

Christmas Day itself is spent at my Dad's in the morning, then at his youngest sister's (it was the first Christmas without middle sister Suzanne), and Lauren, KJ, and I get to catch up with our cousins and eat some delicious brunch. Yum, yum.

We spent Christmas night at home with a yummy turkey dinner by Mom and some family bonding.

Overall a rather uneventful Christmas, but not an unpleasant one. This weekend was nice because I got to sing two fantastic songs for trio with Robert and Mom, then catch up with Abby C, Joey V. and Brandon, and I got to take care of 65% of my TJ Maxx gift card and get some DELIGHTFUL dark-wash jeans that fit me like a dream (yaaay!) and a couple new undergarments (also yay, as I am hard to fit!). Not a bad way to spend the day. However, I've managed to not eat at all today, so I'm going to rectify that situation!

Also, John gets in again tomorrow night! Woo!

Hope you're all having a wonderful holiday! :D

Hark, how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say 'Throw cares away'...

I'm home and settled in for the most part--John was here from Thursday to Monday and met my Dad, his wife Lisa and her daughter Sam, Robert, KJ, Em, Drea, Joey V., Bess, Abby C. and her boyfriend Greg, not to mention RE-meeting my SACI roommates Emily, Christine and Ulyssa.

We got in around 4:15 and unpacked and relaxed with KJ and Mom and Robert until about 5:30 when we drove up to my Dad's for his 49th (!) birthday dinner! Dad and Lisa really liked John, which was nice ("What's not to like?" -My mom).

After that, we met up with Drea and Eat 'N' Park (which looks all Panera-fied and not greasy/seedy AT ALL anymore, which is upsetting), and soon accumulated a few more people: Joey, Em, and Bess. When Drea, Em, and Bess has to leave, Joey gave John a very involved quiz to prove his worth. :P It was pretty great, ranging from "What is Alyssa's favorite color?" to "Do you like 'Jersey Shore'?" (PLUS A GA-GRILLION POINTS) It was fun. :D

John met Ab and Greg on Sunday night--it was a casual visit, and John was pretty quiet for the whole thing, but it was so good to catch up with Abby and see Greg again!

Monday night was great--John and I went to the South Side and met up with Emily, Christine and Uly at S Bar. We caught up and talked and it was SO good to see them (I haven't seen them since APRIL! WHAT? Almost eight months?!). They're all doing well and are all happy. It was really good to reconnect.

John left on Monday around 1, and I'm already ready for him to come back! He and Lauren didn't get to meet because Lauren was in Ohio this weekend visiting friends. But they'll both be here on the 29th to meet! Pretty exciting!

We also got our Christmas tree, but our (working) lights only cover about 2/3 of the tree. Class. :P

Cheese-tastic aside (Lauren, skip to the end :P): Since being with John, I've really begun to understand what Godly love is. I always knew God loved me, but I had no idea what that love felt like to palpably give and receive until I got into a relationship with John. He's really made me realize what it means to commit and to take chances but also feel entirely sure and confident in myself and in my relationship. He proves to me (even more) how completely God takes care of His people. I'm so thankful, and so happy. I love him! Yay!

Hope you all have an amazing and merry Christmas!

Love,

-A.

A little venting that's been building up over nearly three and a half years. (Also, template re-do!)

I’ve always doubted my talent in the visual arts. I’m quite sure of my singing talent, and decently confident in my acting abilities (usually), but I’ve never quite sat comfortably with my art.

I like my art just fine, for the most part, but it’s difficult to attend such an amazing school where you see so many fantastic people making this gorgeous, seemingly effortless work constantly. MICA does a good job of not fostering a comparative or competitive spirit, particularly within the illustration department, but I’ve always had that tendency without any help. I have a very hard time not comparing myself to my fellow classmates, for better or for worse (usually for worse).

I acknowledge that I am absolutely not the most talented student in my year and major. Most days I’m not sure I’m even in the top 50%, which is disheartening, as I’ve chosen this for my career. My mom (oh, moms) assures me I’m way too hard on myself, but I’m not so sure. After all, she isn’t here all the time, seeing what I see. Plus, she’s my MOM.

I get disappointed in myself. I know a large part of my disappointment has to do with my own lack of work ethic, which is a start. This is an issue I need to solve, and soon. However, people outside of the art community don’t seem to understand how difficult and time-consuming art really is. Try having to complete multiple pieces within a week or two. These artworks must be smart, conceptual, beautiful, individual, and perfectly-crafted. I admit, I wasn’t aware of what art was going to demand of me when MICA first accepted me.

When I arrived home after my first semester at MICA, most of my friends asked a similar question: ‘How do you grade art?’ With all of the things I mentioned above; all the effort and intelligence and beauty. Sort of like Miss America. Haha, just kidding. Miss Americas aren’t intelligent. :P

It’s a challenge, and it’s often a really fun challenge. Sophomore year was the most fun for me—the projects were usually small, quirky, useful assignments: editorial, mostly. My Narrative Illustration class helped me turn out some of my best work because I’m passionate about characters and stories. It’s a good feeling, seeing your work improve. But it’s hard to keep that confidence up when that improvement still hasn’t raised you to a level where you can compete professionally with your collegues.

I nurse a strange paranoia in myself. At MICA—at any art school—we critique artwork. Not only in class, but amongst ourselves—we rank out who can draw and who can’t. I have this feeling that my closest friends at MICA (exceptionally talented designers and artists in their own right) privately think of me as the least talented among us. I may be entirely out of my mind in thinking that (actually most of my friends haven’t seen my work due to this very insecurity), but it’s a feeling I can’t shake.

To change tack, I’m not sure I can say that I’m passionate about art. Maybe about portraits. I’m not sure I can say I’m passionate about MY art. I enjoy doing it, certainly, and I often like what I do. I love looking at beautiful art, but I’m the first to say I’m a strict classicist with little to no interest in contemporary fine art. I’ve felt passionate about people and about singing, but I’m not sure I’ve felt that same rush about art. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never really expressed myself artistically.

The closest I’ve ever come to doing so was in a thirty-page comic book/diary I drew while I was in Florence, Italy this past Spring. It was funny and cute and sometimes sad, and my artwork made some huge strides, and I was happy with the product, but I’m hesitant to call what I do ‘expressive’.

Or maybe I’m just being a giant WEENIE. Thoughts?

Thanksgiving was lovely (the soup went over well!) and TOO SHORT. But I can’t wait for this semester to be over so I can take John home to my family! :D

I got to talk to Em and Drea this week, for the first time in a babillion years. I’ve been realizing lately how close I am to them, and how much closer I’ve stayed to them as my MICA friends have shifted. I love you guys!

Overall, I’m happy, if stressed with all the effing work I have to do before the semester’s end:

-At least 15 pages of thesis work done, plus a few pages inked plus final critique.
-10 page paper for Art and Architecture of Ancient Egypt plus a final exam.
-Objectivity final exam.
-ArtMarket and final Lab critique.

BLAH.

Wish me luck.

Lots and lots of love,
-A.

Halloween Fun!

There will be more and better photos eventually, but here we go:

My group was:

-Betsy and her little sister Mamie as Luigi and Mario, respectively.

-Robin as Robin A. Bank. (He's been a 'Robin' every year--Robin the Boy Wonder, Robin Hood, and Robin Williams as Patch Adams.)

-Jess as Quinn Fabray (from Glee!).

-Colin as Bob Ross (He even made Happy Tree stickers!).

-Katie as The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

-Ben as TinTin (I have no photos of him here yet--there was only one, and it was not flattering. :P).

-Jen as a Baltimore Cop (No photos of her yet either!).

-John as The Doctor (from Doctor Who--he is a huge Anglophile, in case you haven't noticed).

-Me as Alice (as you remember!).

Here's a better look at my costume (and incidentally John's), which I was very proud to have sewn myself out of an old thrift store dress and a dust ruffle! (Jen made my 'Drink Me' bottle at the last minute like a champ.)

It was a lot of fun--Robin was a leeetle drunk (and by a little, I mean blasted), and just did hilarious things all night. The after-MICA party came to our apartment and it was an all-around good time! I'm happy. :)

However, that means that it is now November. Let's see what that means:

Today is November 2nd.

Closer is in a week and a half.

My 21st birthday is in exactly two weeks.

My Mom's 46th birthday is in three weeks.

Thanksgiving is in three and a half weeks.

My sister's 19th birthday is in exactly four weeks.

Winter Break is three weeks after that.

BLAAAAH.

Love,

A.

Hopefully the Summer of Death has passed on as well...

It's been an emotional week over here--my Aunt Suzanne, who was diagnosed with cancer in May, died on Tuesday at about 5 AM--my Dad called me while I was in class, and there was this moment of confusion: 'Why is he calling? We just talked a few days ago...' Then it struck me that Suzanne must have died--he'd mentioned in the last call that there wasn't much longer. I slipped out of class and listened to the voicemail he left--sure enough, she'd died. I called him back, and he told me he and Lisa were the last people to see her--they tucked her in around midnight. She's being cremated, so he said he'd call back when they had plans for a memorial--it didn't have to be right away because she isn't being interred.

I was sad for Dad, and for Suzanne's live-in boyfriend and his son. It's odd, because I was out-of-town for the entirety of Suzanne's treatment, save Robby's funeral, and I barely saw my DAD that weekend, let alone had the chance to visit Suzanne. It's like it didn't happen.

I'm not super-close to my Dad's family, but Suzanne was absolutely the aunt that made the most effort with us. Remembered our birthdays, etc. She, like the rest of Dad's side, had her major issues, but she was fun and sweet and good-hearted.

The rest of the week was fine, if less productive than I'd have liked (story of my life)--John and I attended our first read-through on Saturday. It went well, although we all still have work to do. I need to learn how to make a British accent sound natural in two months' time. Get excited. And John and I were getting pretty excited about the trip to Annapolis we planned for this coming weekend to attend the Navy Homecoming football game with his family, even though we'd have to miss a rehearsal, which is whatever, because the game is a great opportunity to bond with John's people. (Again.) :)

Sunday was a particularly full day--Emily, John, and I got up early to go to the farmer's market with Melissa and a cute little junior named Mika, which was a lot of fun--we sang Disney songs. :D Afterwards, Em, John, Jen and I attended church. I was so thankful that Jen decided to attend with us, and to me complete joy, she loved it, and wants to keep coming with us! I'm really excited for that. The service itself was really great--we arrived a bit late, but we managed to integrate ourselves into the congregation during the sign of peace. Perfect timing. :P

The message was about poverty and wealth, and about the provisions of God, which is something I struggle with. I've been getting better about it, though! It was just good to have that reinforcement--God will always provide, and he has.

Dad called while I was in church--during the week, I talked to both Mom and Lauren about coming home for the service, etc. Lauren and I both expressed reluctance--it's inconvenient and expensive to get home, not to mention that we're not on the best terms with Dad. However, we also knew he'd take it as a personal insult if we were to explain that we're busy (I'm a senior in the midst of thesis. and Lauren is still getting used to a whole new school), and would take it out on us for months/years to come.

Dad left a voicemail, which I listened to after the service. As it turns out, the memorial service was planned for Saturday, the same day as the football game. :( Agonizing decision time. So, I called Lauren, who decided that she may as well go home for it (She also noted that I should "Just go to the game--repayment for all the times Dad bailed on us.", which is ungenerous, but not unfair.). Mom sympathized with me, and we weighed the options together (1. Have a fun weekend with my boyfriend's family and make sure Dad writes me out of his will. 2. Go home and sit in my Nana's parlor for an hour and half, hating life, but still ensuring $300 for Dad come Christmas).

The frustrating part was that I knew what I had to do, but it's very difficult to accept the fact that I would get no grace from him in this, and I honestly need the small sum he gives me every year for school. I hate having to depend on someone unreliable, but as pathetic as it is, I made the choice to go home and ensure that sum. Obviously John was understanding and encouraging (as he always is, the dear), but I was still pretty disappointed that I'd have to miss out on time with him and with his family, especially as The Girlfriend instead of The Mystery Friend-Thing. :P

I called Dad back, and without mentioning the game, told him that I intended to come home. He gave me a little relief by saying he'll be paying for my ticket home and back, which is nice, and I am starting to look forward to seeing Lauren and Brian (I miss making 'Why I Love Brian' posts--we haven't talked much lately) and Brandon, and Mom and KJ. I wouldn't have made it back until Thanksgiving, otherwise. And I do feel good about going back to be with Dad, even if it's hard to be the bigger person. I can do it and I'll try and be charitable.

As I mentioned in my last entry, John met my parents and godparents last weekend. It went quite well--Kathleen (my godmother) was completely charmed by him ("He's CATHOLIC?!! How wonderful!") and while my godfather Dane and my Mom goofed on his nerdiness, they liked him a lot as well. Mom came to Baltimore on the evening of the 14th and had dinner with John and I, which also went well, and I brought up the idea of bringing John home for Thanksgiving, which she was very receptive to. Unfortunately, John's mom was less into the whole thing, and put the kibosh on that pretty quickly, which I understood, as Thanksiving is her holiday in New Jersey, blahblahfamilytime.

However, despite her reluctance to let John travel one state over for Thanksgiving, she is apparently willing to pay for half of my plane ticket to go to England with John and two of our friends--they're going for Spring Break to visit John's friends from Bournemouth (where he studied this past spring). Now, this SOUNDS great, and I would love to be able to do it, but A) My mom is VERY against this idea ("You'd be traveling with a boy who is not your husband!"). Granted, I would go anyway, but that brings us to B) Even half a ticket is out of my price range.

My solution: Ask Dad for a Christmas/Graduation gift. :D Sounds perfect, right? Cue Aunt Suzanne's death. That sounds insensitive--I don't consider Suzanne's death a burden in that way--but truly, it is not the right time to be asking for money to be whisked away to Europe for a week. But who knows, maybe when I go home we'll talk about it.

But NOW, as this entry took me a day and a half to complete and post, it's time to go to my first one-on-one rehearsal with Kristin as Alice! It should be fun.

Love--

-A.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I have this bad habit of weaving these elaborate fantasies and letting myself believe they have roots in reality. Or, perhaps, the roots are in reality, but I sprinkle this Fantastical Miracle-Gro on them that makes it sprout into something that is very pretty, but ultimately fabricated.

Then again, I'm hard on myself--even my friends think he's shown interest.

Let me get to the point: last night, I saw Hector, and he invited me to a movie/party at Ian's (Robin's freshmen roomie and my first MICA crush) place. We went on a walk through Bolton Hill beforehand, and he called Ian to confirm the plans, and mentioned that he was with me. I invited Robin, Emily, and Jen, and we all went and had a really great time. Hector had to go back to Virginia for the night, so I asked if I could walk him out. He said yes--and not in a hesitant or grudging way--so I walked him out. I have to say, I was pretty tipsy. As soon as Ian's apartment door closed, Hector started power-walking out. I asked what was with the Speedy McSpeedster-ness, and he just mumbled that he "always walks fast when he's tipsy". Me: WHAT?

So, we get out to his car, and he opens his door and stands behind it. "Well, I'll see you later." Me: "Um...are you not going to hug me goodbye?" He hugs me--and not a weenie, lame hug either, a good one. I remind him about our lunch plans, and then he hesitates: "Well, I'm supposed to have lunch with Ian and Eileen when I get back..." Me: "Well, whenever you can." And he left.

UGH. I felt like an idiot for the rest of the evening--I'm trying to take into account that Hector is quiet and reserved, but this is still confusing. I even went so far as to talk to Ian about it, which was actually really funny:

Me: "Sooo...I have a megacrush on Hector."
Ian: "Psh, I know."
Me: "WHAT?! HOW?"
Ian: "When he told me he was with you tonight, when he called me."
Me: "HAS HE SAID ANYTHING?!"
Ian: "No, but I think he likes you."
Me: "???!?!?!?!"
Ian: "You're his type, you know?"
Me: "KO$ M)IF&^K FP W%$GR?!!"
Ian: "Don't sweat it--you could probably just tell him, haha!"
Me: "No, you really don't understand--"
Ian: "But he hasn't said anything to me, or I'd tell you. See ya!"
Me: *reduced to a ridiculous, quivering mass of nervous laughter*

So, that buoyed my spirits for about ten minutes, then I got into The Flat (our new nickname for our now London-themed apartment--my room is Little Italy) with Jen and Emily and I got really frustrated with myself, because of the first paragraph of this entry. I have mentioned here before that I have the tendency to not let myself be sad--I belittle my own upsettedness because I know that I do this stupid fantasy thing and I need to train myself not to.

I force myself to be fine--"I'll be fine tomorrow, I know I'm being stupid, this is dumb." People always tell me, "You're allowed to be upset, this isn't your fault. Feel what you feel." But I can't. At least not until I'm in private, and even then I berate myself. My mom gave me some advice as an adolescent for when I ran into small-to-medium frustrations or troubles: "Let yourself be a complete mess for 24-36 hours, then let it go." Now, I don't like being a mess at all, especially when I don't deserve it. There is NO REASON for me to be upset. NOTHING HAPPENED!

Bah. Why do the guys I like feel lukewarm about me, but the guys who like me are the ones I feel lukewarm about? Jen and I were lamenting that fact yesterday afternoon. Why can't I fall for someone who can fall for me so completely? Emily was great about that--she assured me that I should never settle. She told me I'm amazing, and should be with a guy who knows and acknowledges that.

But enough. I'm now concentrating my energies into getting Robin a date, which seems to be going well thus far. :) I pushed the baby bird out of the nest and he's starting to fly! (I'm lame and cheesy. :P)

Funny aside: After seeing me with both Robin and Hector, Emily hesitantly said: "I can't really see you with anyone but..."

"Robin?" Jen helpfully supplied.

"Yeah," she admitted guiltily. Aw, Em. :)

Also, hilarious. :D

My 200th Post!

To kick us, off let's have some Why I Love Brian, Part Fourteen:

Brian: (About the Jack's Mannequin/Fray concert) These drunk ass girls came behind us and it was the tightest packed concert ever, there was no room. And they were screeching like I've never heard before, and then they started to jump.

Me: UGH.

Brian: Landing on people's feet, elbowing people in the head, yelling at the bassist, who they claimed to know. And then this girl behind us started to jump again, elbowed this one girl in the head, then elbowed me. And I finally got real low, used my shoulder and just threw her. Like, 5 feet. And yelled a bunch--some curse words. Then she pushed me back. Pretty good, too--I'll give it to her.

HAHAHAHHAHAA. Oh, Kev, you crack me up.

Now, about my weekend. The visit with Letta was absolutely wonderful. I was only sorry that I had to work so much. :/ However, this arrangement did lend itself to my master plan: Hook-Letta-Up-With-Ben.

Mission: Accomplished.

They hit it off, and despite a few bumpy points (AKA Letta acting weird as shit), really enjoyed each other's company (they are both awesome--what could've gone wrong?!). We'll see how things pan out for the future.

My July 4th was WONDERFUL. I had work in the morning, which was fine--easy. When I got home that evening, I found out Ben and Letta had spent the day walking around Baltimore, talking silly photos and climbing monuments illegally. Romance at it's finest. :P (Sidenote: we also ended up wading in one of the fountains on my street a few nights ago. It was cold, but fun!) We made a plan to picnic on the roof, and we made hot dogs (boiled in beer--new!) and turkey burgers and french fries, and Jen was kind enough to leave us a few of the cupcakes she'd made for the cookout SHE attended.

Once we made everything, we loaded it all into plastic bags and hoisted it up my fire escape to the roof. The first few stories were easy--all stairs. But then you get to the last story, and it's a ladder. And I had a bag around my wrist and my eyes facing straight forward, telling myself to 'look at the bricks, and ONLY the bricks' as I dangled over the Park Avenue sidewalk. But, I made it, unscathed. :D Lauren called me, and Mom texted, and it really put the cherry on top to hear from them, even briefly. :) (Mom called me a 'yenta', hahaha.)

We laid out our blanket and food and ate and drank and talked for awhile, until the sky got dark and the fireworks shows started. ALL of them. It was like a 360-degree show! At least 12 shows going, overlapping each other. So much fun! And Ben taught Letta and I to tango, and we cuddled on the blanket together after the show was over and just enjoyed talking and laughing. After a while, we cleaned up and descended, and walked to 7-11 and sat outside, sipping our drinks and talking about people from home--explaining the drama to Ben, mostly. :P

We all fell asleep in my living room to James and the Giant Peach playing on the PS2, and I woke up on the floor early, and crawled up onto the vacated couch. I still got up early enough to make cinnamon rolls though! And we ate those the next morning and watched funny videos and chit-chatted and enjoyed the morning. We went for lunch to Jay Viccino's Italian on Charles Street. OKAY. Why on earth haven't I gone there before?! They're delicious, AND they offer 10% off for MICA students! AWESOME.

But, alas, we did have to say goodbye at some point. :( But I know we'll talk soon, and hopefully often.

It was a wonderful visit, and an awesome weekend--thanks to all of you who were involved! :D I hope the rest of you had a great one, too. :)

Love!

-A.