Finally!

My wisdom teeth are gone! My surgery was this morning at about 8 AM. I was glad to get it over with after this monstrosity of a situation from earlier this year.

I admit, I was nervous about going under anesthesia, but I don't even remember falling asleep. I barely remember waking up! I just remember being helped over to recovery and getting oddly weepy for some reason--although I don't think any actual tears were shed.

Brandon was a super-trooper and took me to and from the doctor's this morning, and Mom has been readily available to me all day. :) I'm sore, but not too swollen. I wish I could drink something, but I'm too nervous about disrupting the blood clot (which still isn't forming, over 4 hours later >:( ) and getting a dry socket, which I hear are the absolute WORST.

Might feel up to a milkshake later, though. :P

In other news, things in the house have gotten a lot better--although there have been bumps! John and Mom's fiance have had one phone conversation, which cleared up a lot of angst on both sides. I'm optimistic that things will turn out, in time.

It's John's 22nd birthday tomorrow, and I've sent him some goodies in the mail to tie him over until I can see him in person. I know, almost a year of dating, plus engagement and I'm missing his birthday because of work and teeth. But I'll be there at the beginning of September for our one-year anniversary!

On a sadder note, tomorrow is also the anniversary of Robby's death. I've been spending a lot of quality time with Brian this summer--well, as much as our schedules will allow anyway--and that's meant a lot to me. Brian's one of my best friends, and I'm really proud of him.

There's a tailgate being held for Robby at a Pittsburgh Pirate game in two weeks, which should be a really great event in his memory.

Mom just made me a milkshake, so I'm going to enjoy that and watch some crappy daytime TV! :D

Wish me a speedy recovery!

Love,

A.

Dunzo!

I turned in my commencement show artwork today, and e-mailed my final paper to a professor--I am officially DONE. Holy crap!

Apart from hanging my work on Monday, I'm completely done with my responsibilities to MICA! So weird! I'm old!

I'm going home on Thursday, and I'll be back on Sunday morning for graduation! BLAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

I'll probably go home with Mom the following day (hopefully after a Devlin/Jennette brunch), spend the week at home job-searching, etc. Then coming BACK to Maryland for Mary's graduation from the Naval Academy on the 24th. John wants me to come back to New Jersey with him after that--He's having his graduation party on June 5th, and there's a production of Beauty and the Beast in Scranton on June 6th, but I doubt Mom will go for a two-week jaunt to NJ when I'm meant to be earning money to pay back the personal loans I owe (let alone the student loans).

But, John proves (once again) to be flexible and understanding, so, we'll talk about it at graduation, and he's willing to come pick me up in Sewickley to take me back for the graduation party/Beauty and the Beast. The next time I'd see him would be July 15th, for the Jennette family picnic--I've never met his dad's side before!

In less thrilling news, my wisdom tooth pain has returned with a vengeance. It's been a little over a month since my last flare-up, and this has been worse than anything I've had yet. I told Mom about it and she's reassured me that it's a priority to get them out when I get back, so I'll get the surgery for real this time ASAP. Hopefully this is a very temporary (if almost unbearable) pain--please let it go away during the wedding/graduation! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. It can hurt when I get home and can do something about it!

Hope you're all pain-free!

-A.

The Sads. :(

Look here for a pick-me-up. And HERE especially.

Race Relations in the Religious (and Mostly Political) Community

This past Sunday, John, Emily, and I got up early and went to a panel of church members talking about the issues of race relations that were raised in church last week (I covered them here). The panel consisted of:

A 60 year-old black man.

A white girl in her late 20s/early 30s.

A Korean-American boy in his 20s.

A black man, born and raised in Ghana, in his 30s.

A biracial woman (very light-skinned), married to the Ghanian, in her late 20s/early 30s.

A biracial woman (medium-skinned) of about 60.

I thought this was a really interesting group, and I was surprised by some things I heard, and very unsurprised by others.

The panel went in the order I put above--the 60 year-old man described his youth before the civil rights movement, described being envious of a biracial friend who could pass as white and swim in the white pool. He took plenty of pot-shots at the 'evangelical right', implying a racist attitude towards Obama by indicating that only a racist would vote for a Palin ticket. Later, he admitted that the fact that Obama, being biracial, had taken a black wife meant a lot to the black community--he admitted that if Michelle Obama were white, he would be treated differently by blacks.

The white girl had nothing that important to add (unsurprisingly), but she managed to make herself look pretty dumb by talking about how special other races had it for being called "Latin-American" or "African-American" or "Asian-American", while whites are just, well, "White". SIIIIIGH. She mentioned the 'privilege' of being taught by teachers who wanted to see Dr. King's dream through--I agree with her sentiment, but she misspoke. It's not a privilege. It's the way things are meant to be.

She also indicated that whites should make more of an effort to understand the other races and cultures around them. I appreciate her meaning, but why is it the whites' responsibility alone? Because whites are the only ones that "don't understand"? If we're trying to spread peace and understanding, we should all be learning about each other, regardless of culture. Either way, I'm more inclined to look at people as individuals.

The Korean boy was the one that made the most sense to me in a lot of ways--he actually approached the subject from a Christian perspective, which none of the other panelists did. He acknowledged that we should treat President Obama as a brother-in-Christ, and pray for him no matter our politics. He also made the very important mention of Obama's campaign, run on the concept of faith and being a 'messiah' and 'savior'. "Obama is not our savior," he said seriously. "We know our savior is Jesus." Amen to that.

The biracial woman and her Ghanian husband both talked about reverse-racism--the woman suffers it at the hands of the Baltimore community. Her father is black, but she easily passes for white. She doesn't get the "How you doin'" that indicates the bond of being black when she walks down the street. Her husband echoed this--when he first came to the US, his black classmates criticized him for acting "so white". The only thing that irked me about their testimonies was the woman's hope that one day a black president with a black upbringing will be elected, "a black president who night not speak the way Obama does." What I take from this is that she means "speaks like a black man", maybe she means using ebonics, etc. This really frustrates me. Anyone who speaks that way sounds uneducated. Anyone could (and has) said the same thing about a Southern twang, haven't they, in the cases of Clinton and Bush?

The last panelist, the 60 year-old biracial woman, shocked me (and everyone, I think) with her response. She admitted how scared and uncomfortable she was to do the panel, and how hard it was for her to go up and say that she didn't vote for Obama.

I know, I was stunned, too.

She was moved to tears by this. She didn't talk for long--just indicated her fear and how alienated she felt from her peers, from everyone. :(

After the panel was over, I went over to the woman and assured her that I understood her position (being a conservative at MICA, or in my age group at all is practically a felony)--John backed me up, and she was really gracious and offered us her card. Her name is Carol, and she works at Hopkins in the Art Applied to Medicine program. What a dear. :) And brave. I've already felt the pressure of not voting for Obama at my age--can you imagine the pressure of not voting from your own RACE? Carol told us about a co-worker who'd said, "But he's biracial too--you have something in common!" She nodded fervently when I said (rather incredulously), "IT DOESN'T MATTER!" People, people.

It was a positive experience, and John and I may go back next week (if we're not still in Sewickley) for the youth panel.

In other news, I asked Facebook for some advice about my wisdom tooth extraction (my consultation appointment is on March 29th--so far away! I'm in pain!). I got some interesting responses:

Love you all--hope you had a good weekend!
-A.

What is my life? Part ten trillion.

A lot to update.

So, because John was in France and he reads this, I didn't want him to find out that I had "chosen" (in the lightest possible way) Mark just by reading this--I had more respect for him than that and wanted to tell him in person, so I haven't mentioned Mark or John here at all in the last ten days.

Basically, I dated Mark for almost two weeks, and it went well. He watched the Pens games with me, and was there when we won. He gave me the most amazing surprise on Tuesday night when he brought me to a Jack's Mannequin concert--needless to say, I was completely shocked and excited and it was a fantastic show and Brian is jealous that I saw it before him without even trying. :D

But, after the concert, when I kissed Mark 'thank you', it felt all wrong. Like, 'I-am-NOT-supposed-to-be-kissing-you' kind of wrong. I tried to shrug it off and not let it ruin the evening, because I had a spectacular time, truly. It was such a thoughtful gesture.

So, John returned on Wednesday, and after my first day of work, I went by his house to welcome him back and he had brought me a bouquet of yellow flowers ("to brighten the place up now that Betsy left") and a red rose (Beauty and the Beast and all that jazz). It was so sweet, and it made what I had to say even more difficult. But, I broke the news and he took it well enough--he seemed to understand at least. I made sure he knew he did everything right, and that I wasn't really going to choose either of them--I realized that neither of them are right for me (as I feared when this all started). What I didn't expect however, was the scale of his feelings--he took me by surprise when he told me he's "never felt this way about anyone". And yes, that includes his ex-girlfriend of nearly 6 years. WOW. It was far more emotional than I expected.

But we parted on okay terms, and agreed that I would still meet his friends from home, who came in last night from New Jersey.

But, there was still the case of Mark to wrap up. I asked Mark to pick me up from work yesterday, and I told him that we shouldn't see each other romantically anymore, and he's been wonderful and it has nothing to do with anything he could control. He was "shocked", but took the blow stoically enough--at first. He asked me if it was because he moved too fast (yes and no--he was just in a 5-year long relationship and we're at different stages; it's something neither of us could control), and I assured him that there was no one else. We said goodbye and although he got emotional as well, we had a parting joke, so I'm not too worried that--after a while--we might be friends.

I spent the evening calling people and filling them in--I've left a lot out here for the sake of my own sanity, so call if you need more details--and around 10 PM, I called John and asked when I should go over (his friends were set to arrive at 1 AM). No answer. Okay, fine--I waited until 10:40, and called again. Nothing. Then 11. Nothing.

Then he called me back, and had clearly been pretty upset all day--he was sniffling on the phone. He informed me that he'd just gotten off the phone with his ex--he'd called so he could apologize, because 'now he knows how she feels'. (Twist the freaking knife, please. I alreday feel like shit for hurting you.)

He also told me that all of his female friends don't understand how I could turn down such a great guy, blah blah, etc, and he told me he ended up defending me. I told him he didn't have to defend me, and that I know exactly where his friends are coming from, but he insisted that I did nothing wrong. (Which I didn't.) Basically, that led to him telling me that Cara, the girl he's staying with right now and one of his best friends, doesn't want me in her house because I hurt John. It's not really her concern, but I understood, so I let that be, and offered my own apartment if he still wanted his friends to meet me. What it came down to, is that I agreed to wait up and he would text if he wanted to bring them over.

I accidentally fell asleep a little after midnight, and awoke at 3:30 AM, mad at myself for falling asleep in my clothes, annoyed at my stinging eyes (I'd left my contacts in), and feeling dirty and uncomfortable. I also had a text from John, explaining (as I'd expected) that the "consensus" was, he shouldn't see "the infatuee" (AKA, me) so soon, and I may not meet his friends at all this weekend. I do completely understand this, but it's all so freaking DRAMATIC!  I'm 2-for-2 in making boys cry this week, and that doubles my quotient from over the last five years!

What I don't understand is--and I am not trying to devalue or disqualify either boy's feelings--how did those feelings develop so quickly?! After all, Mark and I dated for just under two weeks, and he wanted to take me home to his parents, and John and I dated not at all (although I appreciate the bonding time we spent together)! How am I supposed to deal with all of these strong feelings--good and bad? How can I be responsible for something I can't control?

I suppose the answer is that I can't be.

And because this is my blog and I have to write down one small, selfish thing: I hurt two people, and I'm still alone. That really, really sucks.

Okay, that's enough.

I'll talk to you all soon, I hope--work is seriously cutting into my internet time. :P

Love,

-A.

New York, New York: Where cute Jewish babies threaten to kill each other in the sandbox. Part Two. (With a dash of "Why I Love Brian")

When we left Our Heroes, they had ventured into Long Island. :)

After the bad news about my aunt, we stopped at Haagen-Dazs to get Ben, Betsy, and Jess a Banana Split Dazzler (*shhhing!*) and went to the park to eat it and saw five adorable Israeli kids in their underwear and smirking at us, then went to this restaurant called Pancho's for Mexican. Yes, dessert first. :P

Lunch was good, but the waiter was a jerky face and they added the tip automatically so we couldn't stiff them for their bad behavior. LAME. But we drew cute cartoons on the table paper, so we win.

After lunch, we worked off the calories at a local playground--we played on the swings (Ben took one particularly nasty spill and scraped his arm after Betsy and I both warned him on separate occasions about jumping from swings) and had an impromptu photo shoot on the grass. We overheard the toddlers responsible for my entry title--some gems from their mouths include:

"I'm gonna cut your head off!"

"My mother and my brother are gonna kick you in the ASS!"

"I'm going to get a bat and hit you in the FACE!"

Yup. Charming.

We drove around a bit more and went back to Ben's house to chill for a while before I met his dad more properly. Whew. He was intense! SERIOUS EYE CONTACT. But in a good way, although he wasted no time in telling me that if I don't learn Flash I'll never make money. :) He warmed to me more once he found out my interest in conservation, however.

The drive back to Baltimore was more pleasant that the drive from--we were all more awake and good-tempered. :) Not to mention the wide array of funny things that went down. More bridge-phobia for Jess (that trooper! :D), a great deal more Betsy-and-Alyssa-Sing-Along ensued, and during a rousing rendition of "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa, my personal favorite moment occurred:

Bets and Lyss: "P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face!"
Jess: "What is she saying? Poke her face?"
Bets and Lyss: "No, no. POKER FACE. Like the game. Have you heard that term? Poker face?"
Ben: "She's saying 'butterface'. You know, like a Butterface."
Jess: "Butterface? Poke? Poke-her-face?!"
Bets and Lyss: "NO! POKER. POKER FACE. Like the card game!"
Ben: "B-b-b-butterface, b-b-butterface!"
Jess: "I don't understand! Why are you all saying different things?!"
Bets and Lyss: *Laughing too hard to correct Jess*

Hahahahaha. I can't even keep from laughing now!

Also, Betsy was foiled in her search for a Spock collector's cup--she is now in love with Spock since seeing Star Trek with me, Robin, the two Bens, Colin, and Jen a few weeks back.

It was a fantastic weekend all around. :) Thanks, you guys, for making it so awesome! :D

SIDE NOTE!: Eric, the Gossip Girl fan who came over last week, did come over and hang out. He also admitted that he wanted to ask me out on a date, but thanks to his return to Austin, no go. But, we made plans to hang out on Friday. He said he would call me and--Surprise!--did not. Well, that is, he called at 9:30pm, while I was on my way to New York City. And he only called to tell me why he couldn't hang out that day! Leave my hanging all day, then that! Lame. But oh well.

I also saw Marla on Monday. I got called in to work at the Meyerhoff desk that morning from 8 AM to noon, and posted a status update about it on Facebook. At about 11:30, Marla walks in. I look up and freeze, but she just says "Hi", her mouth in the hint of a smile, and walks to the computers. I felt my eyebrows fly up "Hiiiiiiiiiii..."

About twenty minutes later, she goes to walk out, without saying one word to me.

"Marla, wait."

She turned, and I saw that her eyes were red and moist.

"I'm sorry."

She almost smiled, but mirthlessly. "Thank you." Then she turned on her heel and walked right out.

Like any stalker, I checked her internet history. She only visited two frivolous animal blogs, no e-mail. It clicked. She has a computer at home. She saw my status update. She came to see if I would apologize.

Joey had a different theory: "She prob wanted to see if you gained weight in Italy and then got pissed when she realized you lost a babillion pounds!" (Unlikely, but funny. Except for the part where I had a babillion pounds to lose. :P )

So, relatively painless, and I guess that's that for now. We'll see if we see each other again any time soon.

I hope you're all well. Love you!

-A.

P.S. Why I Love Brian, Part 4? 5? Lost count.

Me: *Persuade, persuade, persuade*
Brian: Haha. You're like the little devil on my shoulder, except you have good intentions.
Me: So I'm the angel? Maybe a bit of both.
Brian: I can deal with that. Angel of gossip. :P
Me: Angel of human interest!

P.P.S. GO PENS! Lord Stanley, here we come! :D

Undoing the knots.

I met up with Brandon yesterday--the second Person-To-See on my list since I got home (the first was Brian of "Why I Love Brian" fame), and spilled my guts to him a bit about my and Robin's breakup. He was sympathetic but logical, as usual, which meant he was simultaneously saying things like "Where the eff did this come from? Those aren't good reasons to break up. That sucks." and "There is no way you guys can be friends anymore. It'll fall apart."

My mom had a similar sentiment, but coming from a different place: "You should drop him. He rooked you. Tell him to stay the hell away from you."

Harsh, naturally. I want to stay friends with Robin--that was our first priority.

They both (along with a couple others at SACI) suggested that there's a third party. I'm not so quick to support that theory--I'd like to think that Robin would be more honest with me than that.

We've talked on the phone three times since I got home, and it's been okay, but always slightly awkward and not FORMAL, but stiff. I hate that. Maybe it'll get better when we're in person. I'm just having this terrifying feeling bubbling up in my stomach that things will fall apart like Brandon said. He was right about Lacie and I, after all.

I have a theory about any relationship. Each party has to put in 100%, okay? Doy. We all know this. If they both do this, things can work out much more evenly and with a higher success rate. If both parties let it drop off, say, only giving 60% each, it'll disintegrate on it's own. If one person is only giving 90%, the other person works to give 110% to balance that and so on. If one party is super-dedicated to making the relationship work, he or she will overextend him or herself to meet the difference, whether it's a small one (10%) or a huge one (say, 80%).

I learned this from my mom, who worked for ten years to make her marriage with my dad work because she thought it was her fault that it wasn't working, when in reality, Dad was the one who wasn't doing a damn thing. I've inherited my mom's tendency to overextend--I take care of people and end up ignoring or sacrificing my own comfort in the process. At least, I used to.

That whole shebang ended in my friendships as far as The Lacie Situation--I learned to never, ever let any friend jerk me around and take advantage of my the way Lacie did. I hardened somewhat.

Maybe I hadn't learned to take-no-bullshit romantically yet until the break-up with Robin. Not that I think I was taking care of Robin the way I did Lacie (I was her Mom/Sister/Confidante for five years plus), but I was easy on him. I let him off easy after the breakup. I didn't intend to, and I guess I can't say that there isn't time for me to still get answers that I want and need. I think that after I left for Italy, the effort to keep the relationship going was 99% mine. I thought a lot of things about how Robin was feeling and I got a lot of green lights, so it was Full Speed Ahead for awhile. Until mid-February, when I actually challenged Robin by trying to move forward.

That was when things changed a bit. He had been resistant to our becoming "official" because of our "differences"--the ones that would be too big to get past. Faith, politics, lifestyles. All understandable. But I asked him to try and let go of worries about the future--I cared about him and just wanted to be in the moment, in the relationship (which was a huge step for me on its own). I asked him not to let me talk him into it, which he took into account, and accepted my offer. Great!

But as soon as I even HINTED at the fact that we would have to tell people, specifically Marla, he got very tense. He broke up with me two weeks later, citing our differences once more, anxiety over telling people about us, and our 'doomed-to-fail'-ness. He assured me Marla had nothing to do with it, and maybe that's true. Maybe he was too worried that the whole thing would blow up within our social circle.

Either way, he dropped the Effort ball at some point. Now, I'm not saying that is always the wrong thing to do, but in this case, we hadn't been together on the same continent as a couple yet, and I was to return in one month when we broke up. Everyone I told was stunned--"Where did this come from?", "You'll be home in four weeks!", "What random timing...", etc.

It sucked, hard, but I'm actually feeling okay about it. I mean, I'm bummed on some level, I guess, but I worked hard to get over it. Mom insists that I moved on too fast, let Robin off way too easy. (Coming from the woman who told me we hadn't been together long enough to warrant disappointment in the first place. *eyeroll*)

I guess I just didn't/don't want to dwell on it, but more and more I just want to get some answers and move forward again, even if it's in a completely different direction.

Hope you're all having a fantastic week--love you all!

-A.

I'm feeling refreshed!

My critique with Kevin went very well! He was super-complimentary and encouraging, which was great. Two weeks ago, at our last crit, he said he couldn't "trust" me (to get my work done in time), and that really put me off. Yesterday he brought it up again, saying he could trust me now. I told him that it wasn't HIS place to trust ME--as my teacher he should be working to make ME trust HIM. BAM.

It felt good. :)

I also have a soft ground etching of an eaten grapefruit going into a show soon! A lot of good things going on--a nice reminder from God that I'll be FINE, despite a little bit of heartache.

I haven't eaten a THING today, however, so I'm going to remedy that. (4 pm, I know--shame on me!)

I hope you're all having a wonderful day!

Love you!

-A.

hm.

I don't actually know what I wanted to write here. :/

I guess it just wanted to update that I'm alive and I'm fine, just so everyone knows. :) E-mail or Facebook me if you want to talk--I don't hear from you guys enough! :P

Love you and miss you!

-A.

Okay.

Robin broke up with me yesterday. I won't expand much here for reasons that some of you know, but I just wanted you guys to know that. A few things:

1. Robin's reasons were valid and I'm not angry with him at all.

2. I'm really sad, though.

3. I'm not unwilling to talk about it with the people that are invited to read this. You guys are my best friends and I trust you, so, if you want to ask me anything you can.

Thanks so much for the support I already know I have from you.

Love you guys,

-A.

P.S. Watchmen was great--a pretty faithful adaptation, I must say. I recommend it if you've read the graphic novel.

Happy Valentine's Day!

[The nurse] doesn't know that I'm strangely euphoric, sitting here thinking about how lucky I am to have so much to lose — my rock, my mystery, the love of my life — that I'm sitting here thinking 'in sickness and in health'. 'I will,' I think. 'I do.' But all I can say is yes. "Yes. That's my husband." (From this article.)

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! Can I start by saying Robin is cute and he designed me an adorable, thoughtful Valentine. :)

I'm actually having a fairly shit day. The Godspell production was canceled, and I didn't find out until I got to the church and heard about the canceled audition, then the canceled show entirely. They're moving it to September.

I'm really, really, incredibly disappointed. I was looking so forward to this, and it was so perfectly timed. Now I'm not sure why I heard about it in the first place--as far as a Plan is concerned. To teach me about disappointment? (I think I know all about that one, thanks.) Something bigger and better coming down the line (which I can hope for, but I can't know)?

I don't know if I ever indicated this to any of you, but you know how most people, when something bad happens, try to reward themselves? Buy Ben and Jerry's, go out, stay in and do something fun? I'm the opposite of that. When something good happens, I reward myself, but when something bad happens, I tend to want to punish myself, even if it wasn't my fault. And I don't mean self-harm or anything like that, I just mean I want to let myself wallow. I deny myself anything that might make me feel better--it's perfect timing that my roommates aren't here to try and cheer me up.

Maybe I'll try and break that bad habit and buy myself some shoes. And gelato. And stay in and work on art for the night.

Are you guys doing anything special? Going out? Staying in?

I love you all--you're all my Valentines! :D

-A.

Okay, everything is fine.

Despite yesterday's repetitive post, everything is fine. Just has a little moment of "Oh Hai Alyssa, btw, you're a little retarded sometimes." It's sorted for now, so don't worry! :)

I'm having group dinner with Mel and #10 tonight--I'm making lemon/garlic/caper pasta! Wish me luck, because I'm pretty sure I'm executing this without a recipe. It's not a hard recipe, but I get a little nervous! :P

We're going to Siena and San Gimingano tomorrow, so yay! Hopefully the rain isn't too bad.

I love you guys, and I'll try to update more soon. :)

-A.

Ouch.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.