A little venting that's been building up over nearly three and a half years. (Also, template re-do!)

I’ve always doubted my talent in the visual arts. I’m quite sure of my singing talent, and decently confident in my acting abilities (usually), but I’ve never quite sat comfortably with my art.

I like my art just fine, for the most part, but it’s difficult to attend such an amazing school where you see so many fantastic people making this gorgeous, seemingly effortless work constantly. MICA does a good job of not fostering a comparative or competitive spirit, particularly within the illustration department, but I’ve always had that tendency without any help. I have a very hard time not comparing myself to my fellow classmates, for better or for worse (usually for worse).

I acknowledge that I am absolutely not the most talented student in my year and major. Most days I’m not sure I’m even in the top 50%, which is disheartening, as I’ve chosen this for my career. My mom (oh, moms) assures me I’m way too hard on myself, but I’m not so sure. After all, she isn’t here all the time, seeing what I see. Plus, she’s my MOM.

I get disappointed in myself. I know a large part of my disappointment has to do with my own lack of work ethic, which is a start. This is an issue I need to solve, and soon. However, people outside of the art community don’t seem to understand how difficult and time-consuming art really is. Try having to complete multiple pieces within a week or two. These artworks must be smart, conceptual, beautiful, individual, and perfectly-crafted. I admit, I wasn’t aware of what art was going to demand of me when MICA first accepted me.

When I arrived home after my first semester at MICA, most of my friends asked a similar question: ‘How do you grade art?’ With all of the things I mentioned above; all the effort and intelligence and beauty. Sort of like Miss America. Haha, just kidding. Miss Americas aren’t intelligent. :P

It’s a challenge, and it’s often a really fun challenge. Sophomore year was the most fun for me—the projects were usually small, quirky, useful assignments: editorial, mostly. My Narrative Illustration class helped me turn out some of my best work because I’m passionate about characters and stories. It’s a good feeling, seeing your work improve. But it’s hard to keep that confidence up when that improvement still hasn’t raised you to a level where you can compete professionally with your collegues.

I nurse a strange paranoia in myself. At MICA—at any art school—we critique artwork. Not only in class, but amongst ourselves—we rank out who can draw and who can’t. I have this feeling that my closest friends at MICA (exceptionally talented designers and artists in their own right) privately think of me as the least talented among us. I may be entirely out of my mind in thinking that (actually most of my friends haven’t seen my work due to this very insecurity), but it’s a feeling I can’t shake.

To change tack, I’m not sure I can say that I’m passionate about art. Maybe about portraits. I’m not sure I can say I’m passionate about MY art. I enjoy doing it, certainly, and I often like what I do. I love looking at beautiful art, but I’m the first to say I’m a strict classicist with little to no interest in contemporary fine art. I’ve felt passionate about people and about singing, but I’m not sure I’ve felt that same rush about art. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never really expressed myself artistically.

The closest I’ve ever come to doing so was in a thirty-page comic book/diary I drew while I was in Florence, Italy this past Spring. It was funny and cute and sometimes sad, and my artwork made some huge strides, and I was happy with the product, but I’m hesitant to call what I do ‘expressive’.

Or maybe I’m just being a giant WEENIE. Thoughts?

Thanksgiving was lovely (the soup went over well!) and TOO SHORT. But I can’t wait for this semester to be over so I can take John home to my family! :D

I got to talk to Em and Drea this week, for the first time in a babillion years. I’ve been realizing lately how close I am to them, and how much closer I’ve stayed to them as my MICA friends have shifted. I love you guys!

Overall, I’m happy, if stressed with all the effing work I have to do before the semester’s end:

-At least 15 pages of thesis work done, plus a few pages inked plus final critique.
-10 page paper for Art and Architecture of Ancient Egypt plus a final exam.
-Objectivity final exam.
-ArtMarket and final Lab critique.

BLAH.

Wish me luck.

Lots and lots of love,
-A.

I'm not even keeping score anymore.

On Saturday, Ben came and picked me up from work (that day, a woman took a photo of me with her iPhone in order to trick her friends into thinking she saw Anne Hathaway at Hard Rock, haha!), and we got dinner and rode in the paddle boats on the dirty, dirty harbor and did dramatic readings from internet chatrooms via his BlackBerry. You'd think we were nerds. :P

When we got back to the apartment, Jen informed me that she'd been invited to a party by her TA, Jon, and didn't want to go alone. Ben offered our company and his car, as the party house was in Hampden. After a lot of indecisiveness and changing in and out of pajamas, the three of us got in the car and got lost on our way to the party. :D We did make it, though, and I was surprised to find that it was a block party--there were a bunch of drunk Hampdeners sitting in folding chairs drinking and eating barbecue in the alleyway. I attempted to hula-hoop--one of the 40-year-old Hampden women, Tina, was kicking my ass and trying to teach me. She was very drunk but very encouraging. :)

After spending a little time in the alley, the three of us went into Jon's friend's house for some gumbo that had gone cold and fruit salad. After eating, I just wanted to explore the house a bit--the owner is a MICA alumnus, so it was very artsy, and ended up walking in on the alumnus-in-question rolling a joint in his living room. WHOOPS. But I forced my jaw closed and my eyebrows down and was chill about it, even though I wanted to elbow Ben in the face for taking the joint when they passed it around. (Love you, doll! :P)

While they were smoking, I started chatting with a guy in a blue plaid shirt with pretty olive eyes about living in Italy. Nick, the olive-eyed boy, is 24 and has an intensely handsome face, and was so soft-spoken and interested about my visit. (That, and he didn't take the joint. Bonus points.) It was a short chat, but we kept glancing at each other until I left to try hula-hooping again. I did manage to impress everyone with being able to "skip" the hoop. Woo! After a little while, Nick came out and was watching me and Ben try to hula-hoop with Tina guiding us nearby. When we finally stopped, Nick, who was obviously a bit drunker than when we first talked, chatted with me a little more before leaning in and adorably half-whispering: "I think you're super-cute", and confessing that he could only talk to be because he had a few beers in him.

I was charmed, and he asked me out to dinner, so we exchanged numbers and parted ways for a little while. Jen, Jon, Jon's friend Eli, Ben, and I made the plan to go a couple blocks to Rocket to Venus, a cute little bar/restaurant, so I told Nick we were heading out, and I invited him to join us if he liked. So, we went ahead--when I left the party, Tina slurred that we had to make a date to hula-hoop more and that I was so pretty. :D--and I texted him the name of the place, and he met us. I was actually surprised they let me in at all, as I was the only one under 21, but I guess they just let it slide and pretended my vertical PA ID was valid. :P Nick bought me a beer and we flirted a bit and he told me how cute/beautiful I was about fifty-trillion times and wouldn't stop starting at me. :) However, at this point I'm putting together that he is an agnostic socialist Ravens fan to my conservative Christian Steelers fan, but I let it go because we just met and I barely know him and besides, we hadn't even kissed yet!

We all walk back to Jon's house (different from the party house) and Nick and I sort of lag behind and he kisses me and holy EFF is he a good kisser, and we get to Jon's place and just chill out on the lawn while everyone else goes inside, and we talk and kiss a little more and he tells me about his visits to Ireland and Italy, and I break the news that I won't be having sex with him (which he takes very well). :P We finally go inside and the others are watching The Dark Knight. I sit on the stairs and he sits on the arm of the chair opposite me and touches me knee then gives me the 'Upstairs?' eye movement, which I immediately rebuff. After a few minutes he sits next to me on the stairs and nuzzles me, then lifts his lips to my ear and--

"I want to get married."

I smile, puzzled. "What? In general, or to me?"

He just looks at me. I try not to frown. "You're joking. Ha ha."

"Why not?"

I laugh quietly again and lower my voice. "What do you mean 'why not'? We don't even know each other. You just met me."

"You are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. Let's get married. I'm serious. Tomorrow." His voice has that muzzly quality that someone who is drunk and sincere has.

Me---> 8/ "No. That's not a possibility."

But he wouldn't back down. He wasn't forceful at all, but he was only concerned with doing something crazy and making an amazing story. After a few minutes, I excused us to go outside and talk this through without a potential audience.

We talked for about an hour, I guess, in circles mostly--I concentrated on why it's a crazy and dumb idea, and he concentrated on painting a picture of a life where we'd visit Europe every year (he loves to travel), and he'd take his photos and I'd illustrate books, and we'd have two kids and he'd never root for the Steelers. He also confided to me that Tina told him to follow meand fall in love with me immediately after I left the party. Truthfully, he was that kind of endearing fateful type of romantic-comedy hero who is saying something completely insane, but with the air of finally seeing things clearly at the climax of the film.

And this is why, instead of running in the other direction as about 60% of you told me to do, I agreed to still go out to dinner with him. I KNOW, I KNOW. (I can hear Lauren's "YOU'RE RETARDED" from here.)

I also went to Chris' place last night and watched half of Braveheart. I'm not sure what to make of Chris and I--he was all into it at first, but now I'm sensing this hesitance. Also, he paid more attention to his dog than to me, which I cannot abide. I don't know yet, though--Chris is just awful at expressing his feelings verbally, as far as I can tell.

And, Ben makes a Brian-esque observation about me:

Ben: You should be a spy.

Me: Haha. Why should I be a spy?

Ben: Persistent. Hunger for knowledge. Spying is like gossip. Except, instead of 'Who slept with who', it's 'Who has nukes'.

And some more "Why I Love Brian", Parts Twelve and Thirteen:

Brian: Caleb, Matt and I are reaching new levels of gay. We're going to tan before we go to Vegas.

Brian: Time to work some Mystery Method at the Edge tonight.

(shortly thereafter)

Brian: Nothin'. No girls at all. It's a 'dick farm' as Caleb put it.

Sidenote: Letta is arriving on Wednesday night, late. I am working hard to fix her and Ben up and it is working AWESOMELY. BECAUSE I AM AWESOME AND SO ARE THEY. YES. They are freakishly perfect for one another, and I am excited for both of them. :)

Another congratulations to my awesome sister, who was accepted and is attending Ohio University this fall. :D I'm so proud of her!

I love my friends, and as crazy as it is, I love my life.

-A.

HOLY SHIT IT'S APRIL.

Wow, guys. Two weeks and I'll be home with you! Can you believe it?!!!! I can't.

Not much new here, getting more work done on my comic, for sure! It's coming along really, really well, if I do say so myself.

David and I have been bonding awesomely! We get along so, so well, and we can talk about anything! It's been a huge relief to me--it's not that I don't feel comfortable talking to Mel or my roommates, but I guess I just feel like David is more sympathetic to me. We understand why the other is frustrated--we can level with each other without offering advice about how to react to something. I'll miss him!

Other than that, I've been thinking about classes for next semester, and enjoying the warmer weather--all standard positives!

I've been chatting with John on our Facebook wall about getting a few classes together next semester, and I got a really nice reply message from Casey (Robin's friend from high school, remember him from way back over Winter Break?), detailing how his semester is going. I messaged him back in January, and I was curious to see how he was doing--Casey and I got along really well, and I have to say, I want to keep hanging out with Robin's friends!

Emily--I found out my Painting Conservation final is this coming Thursday, and I'm supposed to come out to you on Wednesday. :/ I'm going to try and talk my teacher into letting me take it Wednesday morning, which would be IDEAL, because then all my written tests/shows would be out of the way, save my Etching finals, and I'll have another week to take care of that. :) I'll let you know how it goes down. Worst comes to worst, I'll have to come in on Thursday night. :((( Is that a super-issue?

Okay, I have to go, but I love you guys, and I miss you!

-A.

>:(

I've been a little annoyed the past few days--not in general, but at Melissa.

She's been strangely critical of me, like, putting me on the spot in front of our friends. First it was something simple and throwaway--I didn't think anything of it because it was so silly. We were having dinner with the apartment across the hall, and I must have guessed something about someone, and they asked me how I knew, and I jokingly replied, "Because I know everything." (Those of you who know me know I say this all the time.)

And Melissa immediately replies, very seriously, "No, you don't, Lyss."

Me: "Um...I...know that? I'm...kidding?" But it was no big thing, so I let it slide.

One instance where she was justified was when she got a call from Nadia--I guess I've never written about her here, which is weird. She's this Pentacostal born-again Christian from Canada that Mel and I met a few months ago at a Baptist church here. She's always rubbed me the wrong way--she's enthusiastic about her faith and that's awesome. However, she's naive and I think the best phrase to describe her would be 'So heavenly bound, she's no earthly good'. So, when Mel hung up with her, I half-jokingly said, "What's Nadia up to? Being crazy?"

And Mel got very stern and was like, "You shouldn't talk about Nadia like that. She's not crazy." And she's right, I was out of line, and I apologized.

But in the past couple days, she's been particularly prickly. Two days ago I was in the studio with Mel and Sarah, and I hadn't eaten all day, and it was about 4 pm. Mel and I were about to go home, and I don't even know what I did to prompt it, but Melissa volunteered, a little snottily, "When you don't eat you get really irritable and everyone can see it." Sarah and I were both really stunned, and later, Sarah said that I handled it very well.

Last night was probably the most tense, though. She had just returned from a non-date (in her opinion) with an Italian boy, and she told us all that he offered to drive us all up to the countryside this weekend if we wanted. Everyone was really into it, but I gave Mel a 'maybe', because I have a SHIT TON of work to do (and so does she) before our show on the 6th. She gave me a little pushback but let it go. A few minutes later she says, "You better come this weekend."

I was surprised at her forcefulness, "Why?"

She said something to the tune of "You just should."

I replied, a little saltily, I'll admit, "No. I don't have to do it because you're telling me to. I have a lot of work to do this weekend. I'm not saying no, I just need to think about it."

She immediately looks down and remarks, "Well, YOU'RE in a bad mood tonight."

And I'm pleased to say I had the right reply to shut her down for the evening: "No, I'm not. I've eaten today and everything!"

And I said it all with a smile. Emily later said that she thought I was kidding around.

I know Melissa gets impatient with my matter-of-factness (unlike, say, Robin, who finds it charming, for some reason. :P). But there is a better way to handle it than to try and 'humble' me in front of our friends.

Christine's brother left this morning for Australia (for a giiiiirl) after a week in our apartment, so last night was 'Get-To-Know-Jim' night. I heard about his high school sweetheart, his first time (the girl [not the sweetheart, actually] was a recent ex, then jumped into bed with another guy the same night--ouch), his bitchy cheating ex, and his current girlfriend, who has an eating disorder and moved out of the house at 16 because her family life is crazy. But yeah, I always end up having these deep, serious conversations, which I like. It's just funny knowing I'll probably never see him again, and I know all this stuff about him.

Okay, today is Etching and Painting Conservation Lecture. Then MORE drawing--I intend to get all the final penciling done tonight, so I can get to inking tomorrow. Yippee! :P

Hope you guys are doing well! Love you and miss you.

-A.

:D

This past weekend was really, really pleasant.

An acquaintance of mine from MICA, John, visited Florence over the weekend (he's studying animation in Bournemouth, England this semester) and stayed with #10. We had never really gotten to talk much before this visit, and I was excited to get to talk to him more. I was stunned to hear how much we have in common (aside from our unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter)! And best of all, he said that he'd been excited to see me on the visit too! It was flattering and nice to have a new person to get to know. :)

And he said I was beautiful and have a "fantastic voice". That helps. :D

ANYWAY, I got some more work done for my crit with Kevin today, and Mel and I oversaw some awesome cooking that happened in our apartment this weekend! Saturday night we made roasted red pepper (vegetarian) chili, and last night we made baked mac and cheese (using fontina and pecorino instead of cheddar). SO. GOOD.

I also got to talk to Emily, which was a very, very pleasant surprise! I'm so excited for our trip!

Okay, I have to get to my crit! I hope you guys are having an awesome week so far!

Love you, miss you!

-A.

La Citta Eterna!

So, I went to Rome this past weekend!

I caught an evening train, intending to meet Melissa at the Roma Termini station between 6 and 7. My train got in at 6:10. I knew Melissa's train got in at 6, so I looked around the relatively small platform, then planted myself nearby so she could see me. After 25 minutes, I decided to walk around a bit, see if maybe she was doing the same thing by staying in one place. No luck, so I waited in a different spot for about a half hour. By then I knew it was time to find a way to the hostel--maybe she had just gone ahead and checked in. I asked the guy at the Information Desk if he knew where I could find an internet cafe, and he just said "Outside". As in "Out there in Rome". Thank you, very helpful.

Luckily, there was one very nearby, right across the street. I went in, got my ticket, and got to work. Melissa had e-mailed me the hostel details earler in the week, so I got the name and address, and blessedly, a woman who spoke perfect English was sitting next to me, and she communicated with the owner of the internet point to direct me to 'Via Curtatone'. It took me about 20 minutes to find, despite being withing walking distance, but I got to Legends Hostel, and I was fine.

Unfortunately, Melissa was nowhere to be found. She hadn't checked in yet, and it was already 8:30, two and a half hours after she was supposed to arrive. Also, I hadn't talked to her in four days--who knows what had happened? She could be anywhere! Even worse, I had no idea which leg of the tour she was coming from.

So, I got to our room, where two guys our age were already sleeping. Or had been, because I woke them up. Thankfully, they were nice about it, and had intended to get up in order to go out and party. They were students from Lehigh, in Pennsylvania (what a coinkydink!) on spring break--Greg and Mike. I initially mistook them for my roommate Emily's boyfriend and his roommate, because they have the same names and were in Italy this past weekend, but I forgot the part where Emily's boyfriend is 28.

So, I laid out the whole deal to Greg and Mike (well, mostly Mike--Greg was still half-asleep), and after about a half hour of worrying, the snotty girl from the front desk knocked on our door, and Melissa and her giant backpack stepped out from the hall! I was so thankful! We were both pretty darn glad to see the other was okay. Since we had missed dinner at the hostel, the two of us decided to check out 'Insalata Ricca', a salad place that is apparently very popular. And with good reason. The walk was practically a hike to get there, but it was SO worth it. I had a 'miele' (honey) salad with walnuts, sliced beef, apples, and honey sauce. OMG. SO GOOD.

And since we got there so late, we were there past midnight, so Melissa was allowed to take her break from the Daniel Fast she's doing for Lent, and we shared a chocolate mousse. :)

Friday morning was the full day--We hit the major ruins first--the Colosseum (there's poetry in that diagonal, I swear), the Forum, Sacra Area (which was awesome for the new, as well as the old.), and we crossed the Tiber and checked out Isola Tiberina, this little island in the middle of the river, and I had this DELICIOUS prosciutto and brie sandwich. Then we crossed all the way and hiked up the hill to the Temple of St. Peter, where he was 'traditionally' crucified. Yeah, not so much. :P

We made it back to the hostel in time for "Pasta Night", and we met a few American students (one from Nebraska, one from Oregon) studying in Bulgaria. RANDOM! But they were so nice, and love Harry Potter. :D

That night, we went to the Trevi Fountain--it was lovely. So gorgeous--practically in motion. Melissa and I were pressured to buy a bouquet of roses (read: they were shoved into our hands and then he demanded payment), then Mel was scammed on by an aging punk-rocker with a crutch. SRSLY. Then we got giant, chocolate-dipped cones of yummy gelato, saw the Four Rivers Fountain and then walked to the Spanish Steps. The view was awesome. It's amazing to think that people live there and see it every day out their windows! It's awesome.

Saturday, we went to the Pantheon--it had been closed for a prayer mass the day before--and there was barely a crowd, which was great! Then we headed to Vatican City, got more tasty sandwiches and ate them in from of St. Peter's Basilica, then went to the Vatican Museum, where I was flirted with by one of the twentysomething workers in security. He thought I was French, then WHISTLED. It was actually pretty funny. :P

The musseum itself had some cool stuff--an early Christian art exhibit, which consusted of mostly sarcophagi from the 4th century, and the decidedly unexciting Egyptian exhibit. But it was all good preparation for the main event.

The Sistine Chapel Ceiling is, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. The craft is impeccable, the motion and imposition--the bodies are COMING OUT OF THE WALLS. It was amazing. I just sat and stared for almost an hour. So gorgeous. :D

But we did have to go and get ready for our train ride home, which we caught around 6:50, and we were home by 8:30! Then we got to meet the REAL Greg and Mike. Greg was a total kind, invested, funny gentleman--Emily is a lucky girl! But she totally deserves it. And Mike was rougher around the edges, but a brilliant storyteller, and it's clear that he has a gooey center. :)

Emily and Christine's friend AJ (who goes to Pitt) also visited, and I found out that she and Brittney Nolfi happen to be great friends! But she didn't know the "Whoops, Brittney got crowned Homecoming Queen by mistake" story, so I filled her in, and AJ confirmed once again that Brittney and Tyler Kennedy did indeed date, and that he was, indeed, entirely obsessed with her. I don't think I ever doubted it--she would date any of the Pittsburgh Penguins she could get, and he would date anyone as hot as Brittney because he kind of looks like a pug. But he's a dab hand at hockey! Go TK! :P

Also, today I read a note Rachel B. posted about good men. The note wasn't important, but the responses were:

Nicole H.: I'd like to believe good men exist. All the bad men have ruined for them. it must be hard being a good man. You might never get recognized for it. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing” ~ Edmund Burke

Amiri H.:(Even though I never met her, this almost in direct response to Ms H.'s comment) Sometimes, and for various reasons, good men do bad things that do a lot of damage that was never intended. This unfortunately means that the world is even more complex than we thought! Isn't that wild?!

Nicole H.: Very true. How is it then that good men do bad things? Maybe they need stronger convictions, or a better reason to do good things? I’d like to think that a good woman is enough of a reason to do good things, maybe even excellent things. Unfortunately, I’ve seen good men treat good women quite badly. Maybe the good woman is not a worthy motive because even good women can do bad things. I think the only worthy reason for a good man to do good things is because he serves a good God. My conclusion is that more men need to understand God’s unquenchable love for them and know who they are in His eyes, which is truly good men (despite their failings and shortcomings). They must learn to walk in the honor and integrity that he has called them to, strengthened by His grace. And good women? They must know the same and extend grace just as the Lord has done so unto them.

Good response, I think. Great response.

I got to talk to Robin, Sam, and Jessie yesterday! It was so great to se them together--Sam and Jessie went to Baltimore on their spring break. I miss them!

As some of you may know, in about a month I am going to Corsica with Em! Have a mentioned this? OH WELL. It's very exciting and I can't wait to see her!

How are wedding plans going for Kamala, Drea? Maid-of-Honor speech coming out well? :) I can't wait to see photos!

Ab-Fab--I saw a motorcycle jacket here that I WISH I could buy for you! I know you've been wanting one! How's YOUR Greg?

Wow. This has been a looooooong entry. Time to go do something with my day! :P

Love you guys and talk to you soon,

-A.