Why I Love Brian, Part Thirty-Five and Thirty-Six

Brian: "I just heard the creepiest line ever on an infomercial. It's for "Pajama Jeans"--which is basically jeggings--they said they're "like a sexy second skin"...

Have you ever wished you had a 'sexy second skin', Alyssa?

...That's something fuckin' Buffalo Bill would be into."

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Me: How's [your wacky Professor]?

Brian: Haha--same old yesterday. No idea what he's talking about...sit in class thinking of how many ways I can kill myself with just my glasses.

Why I Love Brian, Part Thirty-Four

Brian: In my dream I was trying out for the school play. I was very excited about this, I don't know why, and I thought I did really well in my audition. And I got a part. They painted me white and I was part of the background...I think I was snow.

Why I Love Brian, Part Thirty-Three

Brian (on his potential new suit): I'm gonna look like Don Draper. Scratch that--Don Draper's gonna look like me.

Why I Love Brian, Part Thirty-Two

Brian: (On Elisabeth Moss' Golden Globes' dress) Just stay away from circular designs on the boobies. Boobies are already lovely on their own, no need to try and dress them up.

Why I Love Brian, Part Thirty-One

Brian: Oh my God.

Me: Yeeeees?

Brian: I'm totally not for changing classic stories in major ways, BUT I might make one exception. Rumor has it Legolas might have more than just a walk-in cameo in The Hobbit.

Me: Yes, I heard that.

Brian: And for what reason did you not immediately share that information with me?

Me: Haha, sorry, I was about to go to work this morning when I saw it online.

Brian: Once upon a time a girl named Alyssa who failed her friend named Brian. The end.

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I'm in New Jersey now, moved in to an apartment about 3 miles away from John, working as a waitress at a diner and getting used to my new surroundings! Sadly my computer is a bit on the fritz, but once it's fully operational I can continue real-job-searching without worrying it'll crash with all my stuff on it!

I'm happy. The transition has been smooth and I'm happy about my apartment. I've been feeling a little socially-deprived, but it's only been a week, and people are busy with the holidays, etc. I should be concentrating on work, anyway!

This is a pretty crappy update, but I'm hoping to have more to add once the holidays kick into gear--my dear friends Abby and Greg are coming to visit me next weekend, and I'm so excited to see them! :D More updates as they come!

-A.

Why I Love Brian, Part Thirty

Me: I'm not going to stare openly at your crotch because that's weird.

Brian: Hahahaha--and further proof: if I was worried about it, I wouldn't wear scrubs pants and nothing else in the first place! Go ahead and stare openly, but be warned, my crotch has the same impregnating powers as my eyes...But...not the way you think.

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And later...

Brian: Our conversations, and the revelations that come from them, rock.

Me: Haha, I know! I agree wholeheartedly. You're cool.

Brian: I'm something alright.

Why I Love Brian, Part Twenty-Nine

Brian: My eyes have been known to be so piercingly beautiful I can impregnate with a glance alone.

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Should I just convert this blog into a WILB blog? :P

LOL

GLEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I auditioned for Glee! Please view and give me gold stars!

(Hint: you can give as many gold stars as you want! ;D)

http://www.myspace.com/gleeauditions?link=4045137

PS. For some reason the direct link doesn't work--search 'Alyssa' in the toolbar on the Glee page. I should be the first entry--I have no profile image. Thanks!

Why I Love Brian, Part Twenty-Five

Brian

i needed to put my knife in that shit

break the spell

1:48pmAlyssa

"i needed to put my knife in that shit"

??

1:49pmBrian

hahaha

it was a metaphor

a weird metaphor

1:49pmAlyssa

based on what, exactly?

1:49pmBrian

i have no idea

i just meant that by telling her, i'd be stabbing her power over me

1:49pmAlyssa

lol

oooooh

1:49pmBrian

like when jack sparrow had to stab the heart

1:49pmAlyssa

i see

1:49pmBrian

in pirates

1:49pmAlyssa

oh my god

1:49pmBrian

and it broke the spell

Yeah, yeah, we're losers. But we're adorable.

Okay, because John and I are sappy buttfaces, we came up with some cuddly creatures. Literally creatures who cuddle. Observe:

,.'o o'.,
(° uu °)

^^^^^^ This is the Cuddle Hippo. Behold his adorableness. (We collaborated on this one.)

{"°O°"} {''. o .''}

^^^^^^ These are the Cuddle Koalas (The original animal). John's original is on the right. My improvement is on the left. :P

_/____-_-\

(,_,_,/-\,_,_,)(O)° (,_,_,_,_,_,_,_,)(O)°

^^^^^^ This is the Cuddle Caterpillar.

He lives in the Cuddle Chrysalis. --> ||-=(IIIIIII)

I know. We're losers. But we're adorable.

Love,

-A.

More family hilarity.

Why do I post so close together, then have these dry spells?

My younger brother (who will be 15 in April) has been on Facebook for the last five or six months. TOO YOUNG. FACEBOOK IS FOR COLLEGE.

But anyway. I was looking at the profile photos Facebook said he uploaded. I came across this beauty:

(Me, Lauren, KJ)

Aren't we cute? :) (Actually, this is one of the best recent pictures of me I've ever seen.)

So, I commented, asking "Where was this taken? And how long ago [Because KJ looks much older now, but I look the same]?"

Lauren replies: 2 years maybe... [Mom confirmed it was Christmas 2008, right before I went to Florence.]

Me: WEIRD. I feel like I look the same and you guys look so different.

Lauren: You're old. That means you'll start to look the same. Then it goes downhill.

Me: Aaaaand, thank you. You do know if this was taken two years ago, you're the same age now as I was when this was taken?

Lauren: I've looked the same since I was born. It's been downhill for me since the 2nd grade.

This is pretty accurate, minus the downhill part. Lauren's face has been virtually the same since she was a newborn. :) Aw, bbs.

Love,

-A.

P.S. Another fun tidbit about my brother: he's in The Sound of Music at his school this year as Max Dettweiler. Woo! He gets to play the comic relief! And he has a duet with the Baroness! John and I are going back to Sewickley at the end of this month to see the show! I'm so proud of KJ. :D

I meant to post this awhile ago...

A few weeks ago, I was informed that I spoke in my sleep. It was very brief, only a phrase, but the phrase that it was--well, it's pretty perfect:

"Holy Shamolies!"

:D

My Family is Embarrassing. (But also hilarious.)

(We were talking on Facebook about my teacher Dan Krall.)

Mom: Good teacher.

Alyssa: Yeah, I love him. I took this class so I could have him again before I graduated. He taught me my 2nd year, and I got SO much better under him.

Mom: teehee 'have' him

Mom: tee hee 'under him'

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(To explain, I did the 'Top 5' thing on Facebook where you can select who would play you, your love interest, etc. in a movie about your life. I chose Joaquin Phoenix as the love interest because John resembles him. I should also say Lauren kept a photo of River Phoenix hanging in our room from when she was 14 to when she graduated from high school. Lauren chose to comment on this post.)

Lauren: joaquin phoenix? seriously.

Alyssa: Seriously. What's the problem with that?

Lauren: like. anyone in the world? and you picked joaquin phoenix?

Alyssa: Hahaha. Lauren. I chose him because he looks like John. Doof. :P

Lauren: ohhh. i see i see. but still. JOAQUIN PHOENIX!?

Alyssa: Actually, before he got all gross and had a career as a rapper, I was totally into Joaquin. Joaquin>River.(And Joaquin cleaned up recently, too.)

Lauren: WOAHHHHHHHHHHH JOAQUIN<<<<<< River. River was the fuckin' shit and I will not tolerate any disrespect to his memory.

Eughhh. Gross.

Lauren

this weekend was dads weekend [at Ohio University]

4:32pmAlyssa

okay

4:32pmLauren

and i was at a party last night

with dads.

that were hammered

it was HYSTERICAL

Hahahahaha, John.

John: there will be NO ROOM for the Holy Spirit
John: not even if He went on a diet
John: and made reservations

My sister is a real person, I promise.

hello. this is alyssa's sister. i have laid down some ground rules for your trip in the next few weeks. and she has told me i must relay them to you myself. soo this is with the best intentions.

1. no kissing in front of me at ANY TIME ("forgetting this rule does not excuse the behavior")
2. no doing anything affectionate in or around my room. including "stuff"

failure to abide by these rules will result in me punching Alyssa in the face.

thanks! can't wait to meet you.

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Lauren sent this to John today. She is not joking. This is simultaneously hilarious and disturbing.

People who don't know Lauren are always a little disbelieving of my description. I wonder if I showed them this, if it would get the point across better. :P

-A.

ETA: John's response:

Ground rules are very important. YOUR ground rules doubly so. Therefore I will comply with your requirements with the utmost and furthest reaches of my ability. However, since your sister's face is on the line, I ask to raise a few points:

1. Does the 'kissing' in Item 1 cover all iterations of the term, or are you implying kissing on the lips?

2. Am I only prohibited from kissing Alyssa? Will I get penalized for kissing other things, including (but not limited to) a frozen lamp post, a dog, or your butt?

3. Will I be penalized under Article 2 for just apathetic "stuff"? Is a mutual feeling of affection a requisite?

4. Is there a specific area of Alyssa's face that will be subject to punching? Her forehead or nose, perhaps? Or is she subject to general battery?

Thank you for your concern in my visit. I seriously would not want to offend you or those closest to you. All necessary precautions will be applied.

I am also excited to meet you.

ETA2: Lauren's Reply:

Thank you for your questions:

1. Kissing means alll kissing. face, hands, et cetera.

2. If you were to kiss random items around our quaint little town I would be forced to think you are a weirdo, and you would no longer be welcome within 50 ft of me.

3. I don't know what number 3 means.

4. This will be determined due to the severity of the crime.

After a loooong hiatus: Why I Love Brian, Part Fifteen!

Brian: If you ever catch me wearing a shirt/tie combo as ugly as he's wearing. I want you to do away with me. Finish me off.

Me: You bet. I'd hang you with that awful tie.

Brian: Honestly, I'm more concerned about the shirt. Good Lord, is it ugly.

Me: His birthday's coming up. We should send him a gift card to GAP.

Brian: Haha, beat me to it.

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Brian: Do you know how many times I've watched the 'Male Prima Donna" video? The answer would be too many, if that were possible.

Chit-Chat.

It seems like I've been immersed in unusual talks with unusual people lately--Lacie and I reconnected recently in Facebook messages. Not with any overt affection on my part, although it is good to hear that she's doing better. It's nostalgic, but I have no intention of bringing our friendship back to what it once was.

On the flip side, John's ex, Christine, has been making a serious effort to do...SOMETHING I can't put my finger on. Just being nebby. A mutual friend says, "She's just jealous and wants to know what's going on." (As if I'd tell her.) Lacie summed up the situation from Christine's point-of-view rather well, actually: "Hey, I know you have something to do with my ex-boyfriend--comparing you to me, you're not totally ugly and that threatens me so let me befriend you as to assure myself that I am, in some way, better than you and can come to terms with the fact that you are in the picture."

Either way, it's been amusing, but annoying and pathetic. Time to move on (although she apparently has a new boyfriend). Today is dedicated to working that out. Wish us luck!

Otherwise, the play is going very well (November 13th and 14th if you can make it!), things with work are slow (on my part), but good, and I'm so unbelievably happy with John I can't even express it. :D On that note, I'm going to New Jersey to spend Thanksgiving with John and his family, so I won't see you Sewickley people! :( BUT, I'll be bringing John back with me for the first part of Winter Break so you all can meet him! Excitement!

I've even been hearing from some of you, which is great! (Em, I'll call again today.) Drea! Where are you, dear?!

ALSO. Hilarious news. Drea C. won a beauty pageant representing my birthplace of Reading, PA. I guess getting discovered on her own wasn't enough, so she's going for Miss America! Hysterical! Check it out here.

John gets home today from a weekend visit to his family! Yay! :) Then play practice, then actual work.

Muah--

Love,

-A.

Hahahaha.

Alyssa

you know me

sluttiest of all the sluts

4:47pmHector

I think you become a whore after sometime.

4:47pmAlyssa

what does that even mean?

4:48pmHector

Its another tier level.

Slut is given to the girl that has sex in front of everyone at a party.

Whore is more of a business model.