A Brilliant Quote from Belle de Jour

"If there's one thing I've learned about men who practice yoga, it's that they come in two types: Passive-Aggressive Hippie or Barely Suppressed Rage. On the surface, these appear much the same until you do something they don't like. At which point Passive-Aggressive Hippie will withdraw, telling you 'that's your trip, man,' preferably while doing something to fuck up your life on the way out, like leaving your house keys at a homeless shelter. Barely Suppressed Rage, on the other hand, will snap à la the Titanic just before it sank, but is usually rendered incapable of doing any actual harm as a result."

A teensy update!

Work is starting to catch up to me, and I wanted to post a quick update about how I'm doing before I get swallowed up!

Yesterday I failed to make a 9/9/09 entry, even though 9 has always been my favorite/lucky number! However, the day itself was great--John and I had our first official date, and since it was Colin's birthday, Robin and another GD friend Nicolette (who was in all of my freshman core classes) conspired with me to do something for Colin's 22nd! Nic provided the cake, and I suggested trimming it with Swedish Fish and Skittles (his favorite candy). It was too sweet and too yummy, and hopefully none of us got diabetes. Jen and Ben and Jess were there too, and John came with me and Katie showed up later (the Six Flags crew, minus Betsy and plus John!), and it was so fun to see everyone. :) There was also another viewing of THE ROOM, which is always awesome. :D I love my friends.

I'm happy. :) I know I have a lot of stress and work ahead of me, but I am really happy, and I just need to match my happy with motivation! :P

I hope you're all equally happy and enjoying your week!

Love,

-A.

I know this will come as a bit of a shock, but...

I took the 'leap' I indicated to in the last post, and I decided to give dating John a try.

I realized that I need to stop being afraid and stop predicting and trying to control how and what everything will be. I listened to my gut for awhile, and then I listened to my head, and neither worked--the only thing I hadn't done was TRY. So here I go! This isn't a changed mind, but a changed attitude. It's working out pretty well so far, and I'm happy. Nervous, but pleased.

I don't want to beat the horse dead, or start over-thinking, so I'm going to let today be the day I tire out the subject of my thoughts and decisions--I'll start fresh tomorrow. I'm optimistic.

:)

Thank you all for your support and help! More soon.

Love,

-A.

P.S. Is it bad that we've already started plotting how to tell his ex? :P

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I have this bad habit of weaving these elaborate fantasies and letting myself believe they have roots in reality. Or, perhaps, the roots are in reality, but I sprinkle this Fantastical Miracle-Gro on them that makes it sprout into something that is very pretty, but ultimately fabricated.

Then again, I'm hard on myself--even my friends think he's shown interest.

Let me get to the point: last night, I saw Hector, and he invited me to a movie/party at Ian's (Robin's freshmen roomie and my first MICA crush) place. We went on a walk through Bolton Hill beforehand, and he called Ian to confirm the plans, and mentioned that he was with me. I invited Robin, Emily, and Jen, and we all went and had a really great time. Hector had to go back to Virginia for the night, so I asked if I could walk him out. He said yes--and not in a hesitant or grudging way--so I walked him out. I have to say, I was pretty tipsy. As soon as Ian's apartment door closed, Hector started power-walking out. I asked what was with the Speedy McSpeedster-ness, and he just mumbled that he "always walks fast when he's tipsy". Me: WHAT?

So, we get out to his car, and he opens his door and stands behind it. "Well, I'll see you later." Me: "Um...are you not going to hug me goodbye?" He hugs me--and not a weenie, lame hug either, a good one. I remind him about our lunch plans, and then he hesitates: "Well, I'm supposed to have lunch with Ian and Eileen when I get back..." Me: "Well, whenever you can." And he left.

UGH. I felt like an idiot for the rest of the evening--I'm trying to take into account that Hector is quiet and reserved, but this is still confusing. I even went so far as to talk to Ian about it, which was actually really funny:

Me: "Sooo...I have a megacrush on Hector."
Ian: "Psh, I know."
Me: "WHAT?! HOW?"
Ian: "When he told me he was with you tonight, when he called me."
Me: "HAS HE SAID ANYTHING?!"
Ian: "No, but I think he likes you."
Me: "???!?!?!?!"
Ian: "You're his type, you know?"
Me: "KO$ M)IF&^K FP W%$GR?!!"
Ian: "Don't sweat it--you could probably just tell him, haha!"
Me: "No, you really don't understand--"
Ian: "But he hasn't said anything to me, or I'd tell you. See ya!"
Me: *reduced to a ridiculous, quivering mass of nervous laughter*

So, that buoyed my spirits for about ten minutes, then I got into The Flat (our new nickname for our now London-themed apartment--my room is Little Italy) with Jen and Emily and I got really frustrated with myself, because of the first paragraph of this entry. I have mentioned here before that I have the tendency to not let myself be sad--I belittle my own upsettedness because I know that I do this stupid fantasy thing and I need to train myself not to.

I force myself to be fine--"I'll be fine tomorrow, I know I'm being stupid, this is dumb." People always tell me, "You're allowed to be upset, this isn't your fault. Feel what you feel." But I can't. At least not until I'm in private, and even then I berate myself. My mom gave me some advice as an adolescent for when I ran into small-to-medium frustrations or troubles: "Let yourself be a complete mess for 24-36 hours, then let it go." Now, I don't like being a mess at all, especially when I don't deserve it. There is NO REASON for me to be upset. NOTHING HAPPENED!

Bah. Why do the guys I like feel lukewarm about me, but the guys who like me are the ones I feel lukewarm about? Jen and I were lamenting that fact yesterday afternoon. Why can't I fall for someone who can fall for me so completely? Emily was great about that--she assured me that I should never settle. She told me I'm amazing, and should be with a guy who knows and acknowledges that.

But enough. I'm now concentrating my energies into getting Robin a date, which seems to be going well thus far. :) I pushed the baby bird out of the nest and he's starting to fly! (I'm lame and cheesy. :P)

Funny aside: After seeing me with both Robin and Hector, Emily hesitantly said: "I can't really see you with anyone but..."

"Robin?" Jen helpfully supplied.

"Yeah," she admitted guiltily. Aw, Em. :)

Also, hilarious. :D

Sheesh.

Okay, be prepared, because I'm about to go into a ramble.

As most of you know, the little box under my Facebook profile picture says "I want undiluted love." This is very true. My friends know this and have referenced my own phrase to me several times when I've expressed hesitance with a guy--several guys since I've returned to Baltimore (as you may have read).

I appreciate what they are trying to say--plainly, "WHY ARE YOU HESITATING, YOU DUMMY?" These inputs, paired with my own observations, can be ironed out into these points:

1. It's easier to love than be loved/be halfway.

When I'm interested in someone, I can handle the person not feeling the same way. It still sucks--don't get me wrong--but then, like with any rejection, one can have the freedom and the right to feel sad, angry, hurt, upset, etc.

For me, I'm in this awkward and limiting place where I can't summon the same feelings or potential for those feelings. This is a natural thing--we don't fall in love with everyone who is interested in us. Doy. However, I feel stifled when I can't reciprocate more than a little. :/ (Not that this is every case, but I'm never 'all-there' for that other person.) It's so hard to "have the control" in the situation, when I don't have control over my own feelings!

2. It sounds self-centered--"Oh, all these boys love me, what am I going to do?!"

I hate looking like some fickle asshole jerking guys around--I was best friends with those butthead girls, and I don't want to become one, having disengaged myself from that behavior in others already. I hate looking like a tease, or careless. The last thing I want to do is give someone the wrong impression, but it feels like setting myself up for failure to SAY 'Oh, I'm just trying you out--we'll see if I like you someday.'

3. I don't just feel like there's something missing in one situation, or two, but in myself.

The biggest frustration is feeling like there's something wrong with ME in not being able to feel for these boys in return. Now, don't get me wrong--sometimes I felt exactly what I was meant to (Nick and Chris were total wastes of time, for example, and I 'm glad I didn't waste any feelings on them), but there have been awesome guys that care about me that I can't be 100% for when they really deserve it!

I've written before that I want to be able to work and grow in my feelings alongside the other person, together. That is made very difficult when the other person is leaps ahead of me in regards to their feelings about me. That is nothing they've done wrong, in the least. It's a complete honor--just a lot of pressure.

I had a much-needed phone call with Melissa last night--I've been in a bit of a faith rut recently, and that call with her was so helpful in reassuring me that I need to stop stressing myself out. I'll feel for a man when it's supposed to happen, whoever it's with. Whew. She also reminded me of a certain line in Song of Solomon (2:7) that I need to keep in mind:

In my Bible (NAS), it says this, "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the hinds of the field, That you do not arouse or awaken my love Until she pleases."

Melissa's version (NIV) says this: "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Her translation is much prettier, and well, applicable. :)

I have to be patient. (Dammit.)

An unrelated eyeroll, from the first paragraph of Lacie's new blog: "I'm tempted to write something serious or consequential about my recent fall from grace, my new crush, my penniless existence, or my complete state of unbelief and the apparent utter loss of a future. Instead, however, I'd like to revert back to focusing on my one, true love, fashion."

Yesterday was a lovely day off--I got some errands run, wrote a letter and a nice, long diary entry (6th handwritten diary begun--woo!), watched The Other Boleyn Girl and had bonding time with Kirsi, and got my phone charger back! I'm connected with the real world again! :P

Today will be as productive and relaxing, hopefully. It's already gotten off to a good start! I went into the Main Building this morning for some Financial Aid stuff, and ran smack into some conservators restoring the plaster casts in the lobby! I watched them for a little bit, and started talking to them about programs and opportunities. Ugh--before I'd even APPLY to a program I need two years of chem. And then art history (which I've mostly done) and languages (a working knowledge of reading French and German for NYU). Eesh. There are only four art conservation programs in the country--and only three I'd really consider: NYU (LOLASIFI'DGETIN), University of Delaware (where Diane and Lori, the conservators, attended), and UCLA/Getty. Ugh. It's all so competitive and scary!

Alyssa, concentrate on NOW. TODAY. Sheesh.

God, you are good. :) I see the little things, little hints and bits of information and possibilities you set out for me. Thanks.

Robin visited this weekend, which was great! We watched The Room, as planned, and I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF. It was so bad/good. Go watch it. NOW.

Having some alone time with Robin for the first time since January was also wonderful--I missed us! :) Although I have to say, we get on each other's nerves x1,000,000,000 now. Why is that? We argued way more than we ever did before this weekend. But we always apologized. :P

I also went to New Jersey, to see Harry Potter with John and his friends--that was also a very successful trip, and one of the reasons I went on the above ramble in the first place. His family and friends are wonderful, and I felt entirely comfortable and welcomed by them (with the exception of his ex, which is to be expected). John has invited me to go with him and his family and a few friends to his beach house in Delaware next month, which I would love. Finally, a chance to break out the bathing suit I got in Corsica! :P But seriously, it would be a great chance to spend more time with the awesome people in his life.

Especially his mom--I was the most nervous about meeting her after what we now refer to as "The Talk", but she was down-to-earth and fun and funny and very willing to joke about John's ex. :D She's a lot of fun and we really bonded.

ANYWAY, I have some thesis stuffs to do, then watching Closer before I have to return it to the video store. I don't think I ever described much about my thesis project, have I? I won't say too, too much, but I was inspired by David, who told me about an abandoned subway station his friend took him to. I'll just say there's a sort of escapist fantasy involved. :)

I hope you all have an awesome day. :) I'll try and update more, and better!

Love,

-A.

I'm not even keeping score anymore.

On Saturday, Ben came and picked me up from work (that day, a woman took a photo of me with her iPhone in order to trick her friends into thinking she saw Anne Hathaway at Hard Rock, haha!), and we got dinner and rode in the paddle boats on the dirty, dirty harbor and did dramatic readings from internet chatrooms via his BlackBerry. You'd think we were nerds. :P

When we got back to the apartment, Jen informed me that she'd been invited to a party by her TA, Jon, and didn't want to go alone. Ben offered our company and his car, as the party house was in Hampden. After a lot of indecisiveness and changing in and out of pajamas, the three of us got in the car and got lost on our way to the party. :D We did make it, though, and I was surprised to find that it was a block party--there were a bunch of drunk Hampdeners sitting in folding chairs drinking and eating barbecue in the alleyway. I attempted to hula-hoop--one of the 40-year-old Hampden women, Tina, was kicking my ass and trying to teach me. She was very drunk but very encouraging. :)

After spending a little time in the alley, the three of us went into Jon's friend's house for some gumbo that had gone cold and fruit salad. After eating, I just wanted to explore the house a bit--the owner is a MICA alumnus, so it was very artsy, and ended up walking in on the alumnus-in-question rolling a joint in his living room. WHOOPS. But I forced my jaw closed and my eyebrows down and was chill about it, even though I wanted to elbow Ben in the face for taking the joint when they passed it around. (Love you, doll! :P)

While they were smoking, I started chatting with a guy in a blue plaid shirt with pretty olive eyes about living in Italy. Nick, the olive-eyed boy, is 24 and has an intensely handsome face, and was so soft-spoken and interested about my visit. (That, and he didn't take the joint. Bonus points.) It was a short chat, but we kept glancing at each other until I left to try hula-hooping again. I did manage to impress everyone with being able to "skip" the hoop. Woo! After a little while, Nick came out and was watching me and Ben try to hula-hoop with Tina guiding us nearby. When we finally stopped, Nick, who was obviously a bit drunker than when we first talked, chatted with me a little more before leaning in and adorably half-whispering: "I think you're super-cute", and confessing that he could only talk to be because he had a few beers in him.

I was charmed, and he asked me out to dinner, so we exchanged numbers and parted ways for a little while. Jen, Jon, Jon's friend Eli, Ben, and I made the plan to go a couple blocks to Rocket to Venus, a cute little bar/restaurant, so I told Nick we were heading out, and I invited him to join us if he liked. So, we went ahead--when I left the party, Tina slurred that we had to make a date to hula-hoop more and that I was so pretty. :D--and I texted him the name of the place, and he met us. I was actually surprised they let me in at all, as I was the only one under 21, but I guess they just let it slide and pretended my vertical PA ID was valid. :P Nick bought me a beer and we flirted a bit and he told me how cute/beautiful I was about fifty-trillion times and wouldn't stop starting at me. :) However, at this point I'm putting together that he is an agnostic socialist Ravens fan to my conservative Christian Steelers fan, but I let it go because we just met and I barely know him and besides, we hadn't even kissed yet!

We all walk back to Jon's house (different from the party house) and Nick and I sort of lag behind and he kisses me and holy EFF is he a good kisser, and we get to Jon's place and just chill out on the lawn while everyone else goes inside, and we talk and kiss a little more and he tells me about his visits to Ireland and Italy, and I break the news that I won't be having sex with him (which he takes very well). :P We finally go inside and the others are watching The Dark Knight. I sit on the stairs and he sits on the arm of the chair opposite me and touches me knee then gives me the 'Upstairs?' eye movement, which I immediately rebuff. After a few minutes he sits next to me on the stairs and nuzzles me, then lifts his lips to my ear and--

"I want to get married."

I smile, puzzled. "What? In general, or to me?"

He just looks at me. I try not to frown. "You're joking. Ha ha."

"Why not?"

I laugh quietly again and lower my voice. "What do you mean 'why not'? We don't even know each other. You just met me."

"You are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. Let's get married. I'm serious. Tomorrow." His voice has that muzzly quality that someone who is drunk and sincere has.

Me---> 8/ "No. That's not a possibility."

But he wouldn't back down. He wasn't forceful at all, but he was only concerned with doing something crazy and making an amazing story. After a few minutes, I excused us to go outside and talk this through without a potential audience.

We talked for about an hour, I guess, in circles mostly--I concentrated on why it's a crazy and dumb idea, and he concentrated on painting a picture of a life where we'd visit Europe every year (he loves to travel), and he'd take his photos and I'd illustrate books, and we'd have two kids and he'd never root for the Steelers. He also confided to me that Tina told him to follow meand fall in love with me immediately after I left the party. Truthfully, he was that kind of endearing fateful type of romantic-comedy hero who is saying something completely insane, but with the air of finally seeing things clearly at the climax of the film.

And this is why, instead of running in the other direction as about 60% of you told me to do, I agreed to still go out to dinner with him. I KNOW, I KNOW. (I can hear Lauren's "YOU'RE RETARDED" from here.)

I also went to Chris' place last night and watched half of Braveheart. I'm not sure what to make of Chris and I--he was all into it at first, but now I'm sensing this hesitance. Also, he paid more attention to his dog than to me, which I cannot abide. I don't know yet, though--Chris is just awful at expressing his feelings verbally, as far as I can tell.

And, Ben makes a Brian-esque observation about me:

Ben: You should be a spy.

Me: Haha. Why should I be a spy?

Ben: Persistent. Hunger for knowledge. Spying is like gossip. Except, instead of 'Who slept with who', it's 'Who has nukes'.

And some more "Why I Love Brian", Parts Twelve and Thirteen:

Brian: Caleb, Matt and I are reaching new levels of gay. We're going to tan before we go to Vegas.

Brian: Time to work some Mystery Method at the Edge tonight.

(shortly thereafter)

Brian: Nothin'. No girls at all. It's a 'dick farm' as Caleb put it.

Sidenote: Letta is arriving on Wednesday night, late. I am working hard to fix her and Ben up and it is working AWESOMELY. BECAUSE I AM AWESOME AND SO ARE THEY. YES. They are freakishly perfect for one another, and I am excited for both of them. :)

Another congratulations to my awesome sister, who was accepted and is attending Ohio University this fall. :D I'm so proud of her!

I love my friends, and as crazy as it is, I love my life.

-A.

Rediscovering My Heritage

I had a date with Chris yesterday, and it went well! He's not my usual type--piercings, tattoos, etc.--but we can talk and be on the same level and it's nice! He doesn't bother dating just for the hell of it--he actually wants to date someone he's interested in progressing with. He says he's more interested in me than he has been in any girl for a long time, which is always nice to hear, although it makes me a little sad that I've heard it a few times recently and it makes me wonder what the eff girls are like nowadays. Not that I'm not a great girl, but man-oh-man, where are you nice girls?!

(Sidenote: There's always this tiny flicker of disappointment that flits across a guys face when he realizes I'm not going to have sex with him. Half-pitiable, half-satisfying.)

We had a late lunch on Charles Street at Mick O'Shea's around 2, and absorbed a little Irish culture for both of us (he is VERY into his Irishness, and I never have been, really). We talked for 2 1/2 hours before I had to get going because I was meeting Mark, Jen, and Jie for Up a little after 5. So, we're going to see where things go, which sounds like a nice, slow-moving thing to me. :)

I ended up running into both Ian and Michael (two of Robin's roomies in one!)--we all kind of converged by chance at this one corner, and we caught up a bit, and I remembered how much both of them make me laugh. :D

I was still running late so I left them and met Mark outside of my apartment--he brought us pizza, and I ate a slice to be polite (I was stuffed from lunch), because it really was thoughtful of him. We met up with Jie and went to Harbor East to catch the 7:25 showing, and while we were in line for tickets, I glanced in the reflection of the glass of the box office and saw JESSIE (of formerly Sam-and-Jessie fame)! She's in town for a wedding, which I totally knew but forgot, and we immediately freaked out and hugged and are making plans to meet tomorrow for the first time since New Year's!

The movie itself was lovely and sad but also funny, and I totally cried like five times. :)

After the movie, we ran into a group of girls who graduated with Mark and Jie--one of them was bragging about making her ex cry. Who brags about that?!

We left them after a half-hour and ended up in Dougherty's Pub, where I found the Devlin crest on one of the paintings (I've seen it before so I knew what to look for) and I now know where the Devlin's came from within Ireland! Tyrone/Ulster. Bam.

So, I got a little tipsy on cider, and argued politics and a little religion with Mark and Jie (mostly Mark, who surprised me on his stances) and generally kicked butt. :P But it was fun and obviously there are no hard feelings. The transition from 'dating' to 'friendly' has been a smooth one with Mark, which I am eternally thankful for.

I have work from 12-5, then Ben is picking me up! :D It's so good when the things I've been praying for (like plenty of social activity) come true. I just love being around people. :)

Okay, I have to go--but I'll catch you all in the next couple of days!

Love,

-A.

What is my life? Part ten trillion.

A lot to update.

So, because John was in France and he reads this, I didn't want him to find out that I had "chosen" (in the lightest possible way) Mark just by reading this--I had more respect for him than that and wanted to tell him in person, so I haven't mentioned Mark or John here at all in the last ten days.

Basically, I dated Mark for almost two weeks, and it went well. He watched the Pens games with me, and was there when we won. He gave me the most amazing surprise on Tuesday night when he brought me to a Jack's Mannequin concert--needless to say, I was completely shocked and excited and it was a fantastic show and Brian is jealous that I saw it before him without even trying. :D

But, after the concert, when I kissed Mark 'thank you', it felt all wrong. Like, 'I-am-NOT-supposed-to-be-kissing-you' kind of wrong. I tried to shrug it off and not let it ruin the evening, because I had a spectacular time, truly. It was such a thoughtful gesture.

So, John returned on Wednesday, and after my first day of work, I went by his house to welcome him back and he had brought me a bouquet of yellow flowers ("to brighten the place up now that Betsy left") and a red rose (Beauty and the Beast and all that jazz). It was so sweet, and it made what I had to say even more difficult. But, I broke the news and he took it well enough--he seemed to understand at least. I made sure he knew he did everything right, and that I wasn't really going to choose either of them--I realized that neither of them are right for me (as I feared when this all started). What I didn't expect however, was the scale of his feelings--he took me by surprise when he told me he's "never felt this way about anyone". And yes, that includes his ex-girlfriend of nearly 6 years. WOW. It was far more emotional than I expected.

But we parted on okay terms, and agreed that I would still meet his friends from home, who came in last night from New Jersey.

But, there was still the case of Mark to wrap up. I asked Mark to pick me up from work yesterday, and I told him that we shouldn't see each other romantically anymore, and he's been wonderful and it has nothing to do with anything he could control. He was "shocked", but took the blow stoically enough--at first. He asked me if it was because he moved too fast (yes and no--he was just in a 5-year long relationship and we're at different stages; it's something neither of us could control), and I assured him that there was no one else. We said goodbye and although he got emotional as well, we had a parting joke, so I'm not too worried that--after a while--we might be friends.

I spent the evening calling people and filling them in--I've left a lot out here for the sake of my own sanity, so call if you need more details--and around 10 PM, I called John and asked when I should go over (his friends were set to arrive at 1 AM). No answer. Okay, fine--I waited until 10:40, and called again. Nothing. Then 11. Nothing.

Then he called me back, and had clearly been pretty upset all day--he was sniffling on the phone. He informed me that he'd just gotten off the phone with his ex--he'd called so he could apologize, because 'now he knows how she feels'. (Twist the freaking knife, please. I alreday feel like shit for hurting you.)

He also told me that all of his female friends don't understand how I could turn down such a great guy, blah blah, etc, and he told me he ended up defending me. I told him he didn't have to defend me, and that I know exactly where his friends are coming from, but he insisted that I did nothing wrong. (Which I didn't.) Basically, that led to him telling me that Cara, the girl he's staying with right now and one of his best friends, doesn't want me in her house because I hurt John. It's not really her concern, but I understood, so I let that be, and offered my own apartment if he still wanted his friends to meet me. What it came down to, is that I agreed to wait up and he would text if he wanted to bring them over.

I accidentally fell asleep a little after midnight, and awoke at 3:30 AM, mad at myself for falling asleep in my clothes, annoyed at my stinging eyes (I'd left my contacts in), and feeling dirty and uncomfortable. I also had a text from John, explaining (as I'd expected) that the "consensus" was, he shouldn't see "the infatuee" (AKA, me) so soon, and I may not meet his friends at all this weekend. I do completely understand this, but it's all so freaking DRAMATIC!  I'm 2-for-2 in making boys cry this week, and that doubles my quotient from over the last five years!

What I don't understand is--and I am not trying to devalue or disqualify either boy's feelings--how did those feelings develop so quickly?! After all, Mark and I dated for just under two weeks, and he wanted to take me home to his parents, and John and I dated not at all (although I appreciate the bonding time we spent together)! How am I supposed to deal with all of these strong feelings--good and bad? How can I be responsible for something I can't control?

I suppose the answer is that I can't be.

And because this is my blog and I have to write down one small, selfish thing: I hurt two people, and I'm still alone. That really, really sucks.

Okay, that's enough.

I'll talk to you all soon, I hope--work is seriously cutting into my internet time. :P

Love,

-A.

Marriage.

Don't worry! Nothing has changed since I waxed lyrical about all of the weddings/engagements that have popped up in my line of vision in the last six months or so. No marriage plans here. :P

But, I did read an interesting Facebook note drafted by my childhood friend (and crush) Jack, the son of the pastor who worked at St. Stephen's when Mom, Lauren, KJ, and I left the Catholic church after Mom and Dad's divorce. He was writing, not specifically about marriage itself, but about his own impatience to move from 'transitional relationships' (dating) to marriage, which is something Betsy and I have been talking about at length recently--something I don't think I've ever mentioned here.

Betsy and I are in no rush to just BE MARRIED. We just know that we're both mature enough (out of our separate and very different relationship experiences) and both desire to take the next step to be wives and mothers. We both know we'd be good at it. We both know we're made for it. Betsy was closer than I EVER have been to making that happen, so she's not exactly keen on being back at Square One (and we all know how I've felt about that in my much tinier setbacks), and I know that God is preparing the right man for me right NOW (Scary! :P), and in my past relationship endeavors (I said PAST), I've always been the more mature, conscious half. I'm sick of screwing around with 'dating' in so many ways.

I'm not an idiot. I know I have to date in order to get a boyfriend in order to get a fiancee in order to get married (this is a simplified pattern, of course). I'm just impatient (shocking, I know :P). I just want that proper fit.

In other news, Melissa is visiting for the weekend! :D She was supposed to call and come over this afternoon between apartment tours, but that obviously isn't happening at this point, as her next one is at 4 (AKA now) and I'll soon be getting ready to see the Pens whoop the Red Wings (I hope! We can do it!).

Hope you're all wearing your black and gold! :)

Love,

-A.

The Exception to the Rule.

Before I dive in to the point of my title, Ben came to visit yesterday and stayed the night. I owe a lot to Ben for his (baldly honest) insight into my personality. It's always a pleasure to hang out with him and especially to confide in him, because when we move past the snark and the disagreements and psychoanalysis and I just need a hug, he's always there for me 100%, on my terms. (Mostly. :P) It means a lot. Thank you, Ben. :)

(Also, did I not say Gossip Girl is amazing? Told you! :P)

I got a message from Marla today, requesting that I remove from Facebook the photos Betsy took of me in the corset Marla made. Apparently, asking me to remove them has everything to do with her wanting to preserve the artistic integrity of her "creative content" (the corset--as opposed to the images, which are rightfully Betsy's), and nothing to do with the fact that she probably sent me those nasty Honesty Box messages. (After all, I had those photos up for two weeks and she didn't say a word until my second response to the HB messages.) I'm not certain, but then again, I don't know anyone else who uses the word "rather" on a daily basis. I removed the photos, obviously. No need to start a fight. But, I did add in my return message that I hate how things have ended up between us.

Betsy and I had a girl's day, starting with shopping and culminating in eating candy and watching "He's Just Not That Into You", which I enjoyed far, far more than I expected. Now, I don't want to spoil a thing, BUT, there's a particular emphasis on the Rules of dating and the Exceptions. Like, the guy will call if he wants to be with you is a Rule. Or, he finally calls after a month and you end up happily ever after? Exception.

As I've said before, I've absolutely had my moments with boys where I over-analyze and mistake his intentions or feelings. Some not so serious, some heart-breaking. We all do it. We've all been on the other side as well. I've been more present to it in the last two weeks than I have in a while.

To be fair, it is a romantic comedy, and there were happy endings. BUT, people end up single. I was impressed at the honesty, despite the character exaggerations. The happy endings were wonderful and totally made me cry. They weren't altogether shocking, but just enough of a romantic twist to make me literally cry out with something like joy at the TV. :) It's one of my favorite things about romantic comedies, and also one of my least favorite.

We all want to be the Exception to the Rule, on some level. But, I think, what I want more than the thrill and drama of being The One to Change Him, is to be...happy. I would love that grand romantic gesture after all the struggle, but I'd prefer to work through the struggle from the start. It's like a song you might know: "I'd rather be working for a paycheck then waiting to win the lottery." I want romance and wonder and that thrill in my gut when He Finally Gets It. But why would I wait for a man that doesn't want me from the start? It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

All of that aside, after watching a movie like that, I'm just ready to be in love. :P Because I am a girl who loves seeing joy.

Love you all!

-A.

P.S. Let's Go Pens! We've got a big game ahead of us!

'Ask and you shall receive' does NOT eff around.

It's satisfying to have an understanding with someone. But also complicated.

After the success of my first date with Mark, I really wanted to make the next one count--I worked in the afternoon, then cleaned the apartment (although it needed to be cleaned anyway--guests are just a good motivator) and bopped around to some music while Betsy was out at her first visit to Mercersburg Academy, where she'll be photographing this summer.

John came over around 6 to be filled in on my date over some hot chocolate (it's been miserably grey and chilly and rainy here)--he was completely and genuinely excited about my date and the fact that I had a good time. I told him the bit about Mark confessing to corset-photo guilt, and John mentioned that his mom had seen that photo of me! Slightly embarassing, as that isn't exactly a mommy-friendly photo (I am covered! There is a corset!). Well, let me just write down the exchange after that.

Me: Ooh, she saw that? Not the kind of photo that makes me popular with Moms. With BOYS, however...

John: Well, I liked you long before that.

Me: Oh, totally--wait, what? (thinking) Did he just say what I think he just said?

So, the cat is out of the clear plastic bag. :P (You were all thinking it!) John likes me, and I like him--we're completely comfortable with each other and can be completely honest about the situation. Let me break it down, because I know you're all thinking "What about MARK?!"

Okay. John has endeared himself to me in spades by completely supporting the situation that makes me happy (like a good date with Mark, or several) and by taking all the pressure off of me--he is completely satisfied with being friends first; according to him, "this [the relationship, in any form, between us] can't be bad" (melt!). He just likes the closeness we have already, and isn't pushing anything to change.

So, John was there when Mark arrived around 8. Weird, I know! But I presented John as my friend, and it wasn't as if he were sticking around for the game, so they shook hands and it was fine.

It was a good game for Mark to attend, naturally--we won!!!!!! Which means we tied the series which means we came up from a 2-0 deficit to make it a whole new series! This also means I didn't waste time jumping around and shrieking like a total moron for all the world (and a cute boy) to see. :P But I don't care--it was a fantastic game and I'm so excited! Let's Go Pens!

At this point, I'm still really interested in investigating how things will go with Mark--after all, John and I have been able to spend a lot more time together so far and it's easier to be open since we approached it from a friends perspective rather than the more delicate dating perspective I have with Mark. I want to give Mark a real chance, because I like him too! (Still no kiss, by the way.)

Actually, the timing is sort of perfect--John is about to head home and then to France for a week, which gives me ample time to see where things go with Mark.

Until then, I'm just entrusting it to God and praying about it. We'll see!

I'll leave you with a wise, wise quote from my Em:

Emily: prayer is good. salad cream is NOT good.

I love you all--wish me luck!

-A.

Up-Date.

I'm sure the suspense has been building. :P (Does anyone even read this still?)

My date was very, very good.

He picked me up 5:15 sharp, as he said he would, and complimented my outfit as any girl would expect (and I did look pretty cute :P) and we drove out to Fells Point (bonus points to him, as Weezer was playing in the car when I got in). The conversation never lagged, and he was just as active in asking me about my family and likes and dislikes and complimenting me about my ability to tell a story well. We got to the restaurant and were talking so easily and so much that we had to send the waitress back twice before we had our orders ready!

The dinner conversation was...unorthodox. He brought up his ex (holy shit, 5 year relationship--apparently she dumped him in August) asked me about mine, and we traded stories. This is usually a sort of taboo, but, being me (AKA ravenous for information) and finding his honesty charming, I was okay with it. He also pointed out, to my delight, that his first kiss was when he was a senior in high school (he went to an all-boys school, so, not much opportunity) and he described himself as a 'slow-mover'. And, what else would a date be without an in-depth discussion of our religious viewpoints! :P

Mark is Catholic, born and bred, and it shows. But, unlike a lot of Catholics, he understands that it's not just attending every Sabbath and Holy Day or doing CCD or washing your hands this many times before you eat, it's about your faith. He started to make some complaint, and I got a little nervous, but he only meant to observe that his experience in the Catholic Church was lacking as far as NOT GOING DEEPLY ENOUGH. He wants to investigate MORE. It was so cool. He really seemed to get what I was saying, and could joke with me as well as answer honestly. We had a few good discussions (NOT debates at all), and he was quick to validate my viewpoints that maybe he hadn't considered before.

So, after dinner. we walked around Fells Point as it started to drizzle, and we talked a bit about how out-of-the-blue his invitation was. I kind of busted him on noticing my booby-corset-profile photo that is currently on Facebook, and I guessed that was one of the reasons he chose me. He conceded to that fact cutely and was a great sport ("It caught my eye...you are very attractive."). And he earned major points by saying that even though the photo was what drew him in, he noticed that I was a Christian (GOD ANSWER--typo and it stays :P), and that made the decision for him. He then offered a ride on the water taxi, but the rain looked like it was going to really come down, so he asked if I wanted to see a movie instead! I agreed, and we drove back to my place to check the times.

I showed him Betsy's website, and he was impressed (as well as complimentary, which made Betsy fall in love without even meeting him), and we headed out to catch the 9:20 showing of Angels and Demons. We showed up WAYYYY early and caught the end of Night at the Museum 2 (eh, looked okay) and then killed some more time at Barnes and Noble until our movie started. The movie was actually a lot of fun, in that hit-you-over-the-head-with-mystery kind of way. Ewan MacGregor is a foxy priest (bad, Alyssa, bad!), and there were some gasp-worthy moments. :)

However, down side, the theater was FREEZING. I had worn a dress to dinner, and thankfully had the presence of mind to change into jeans at my apartment, but my thin cardigan wasn't doing the job. I was shivering, and he noticed, so he ASKED if he could put his arm around me. :D Of course, I let him. (He also asked all night if it was okay that he was paying for me--apparently his ex hated when he did. WHAT.)

As we left the movie theater, he rested his arm around my shoulder to guide me though the door, and I sort of grazed his waist to show that I noticed. :P I went to put my arm through his, and he straightened his arm, obviously expecting me to hold his hand, and there was about .8 seconds or "Wait, what?", but I did it his way and slipped my hand into his. It had started to rain, making my chill all the worse! But I was having too nice of a time to let it get to me. We got back to my place around midnight (7 hour date!) and he walked me to my door...

And hugged me.

He cited our 'slow-mover' dispositions (more his than mine, I'll admit, but its good for me) and we made plans to watch tonight Penguins' game together. :) I admit, a kiss wouldn't have gone amiss, BUT, waiting for the right moment is even better--besides, I think I've been a little bit of a kissing-slut (as my mom would call it) lately, and slowing things down may be just what I need.

So, he'll be over tonight to watch the game, and probably make fun of me for my, um, enthusiasm, let's say. :P It should be good. :) I spent part of this morning tidying up the bathroom and kitchen for when he arrives, although I still have a ton to do. :/ But it's worth it!

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, and it's working, for the most part (first time ever. :P). Wish me luck!

(And GOOOOO PENS!)

Love!

-A.

So many GOOD THINGS.

Yesterday was a fantastic day.

I had an eight-hour shift yesterday (8 AM-4 PM) that was made far more bearable by the presence of John, who came in at about 10:20 AM and stayed with me until my shift ended (although he was originally supposed to go visit a friend in Columbia who unfortunately [for her] took ill), and ended up hanging out with me until about midnight, even suffering through my screaming-jumping-freaking out antics during the Pens game. :P We WOOOOOOON!!!! :D

It's so funny--we've only hung out for about four days together, but we click SO WELL it's insane! It was a huge get-to-know-you-fest yesterday, ranging from our families to our favorite Disney princes (the Beast, doy, and you'll be getting a dissertation on that at some point).

(BTW, there are some adorable British accents happening in front of the Gateway desk right now. :D)

ANYWAY, it was a wonderful time, and we got dinner, and he looked through my book and apparently liked it a lot (yay!). I have to say, he's been so unbelievably complimentary of me. I mean, the things he's saying are simple, and they sound like I might've heard them before, but his sincerity blows me away. Example: I've said before that we have this inside joke about how he describes me as 'Belle' to his friends. Yesterday he also commented that in the movie 'Life is Beautiful', the main character greets his love interest every day by saying "Bon giorno, principessa'--he said that reminded him of me, since we met properly in Italy, and I'm a Disney Princess. :P And THEN, when I tell him how flattered I am that he has all of these sweet associations for me, he doesn't even take credit! "It's all you!" :D

So, enough gushing out of me.

...

:D


I have a date tonight, with Mark. I'm not building up any kind of expectations. I hope I have a good time, but I'm not going to force anything.

I guess a potentially awkward date with a stranger is a bit lackluster in comparison with the kind of day I had yesterday. :/ I mean, I'm totally excited about the cool things happening in my life! I guess I just don't want to let myself decide anything one way or another yet. It's ironic--when nothing is happening, I overanalyze everything, but when there's a lot going on, I'm doing my best (at least now) to SLOW the EFF down.

Whew.

In funnier news for me, Lacie is even more balls-out insane than I originally thought, and has shed every ideal she ever held in favor of some wacky, 'liberated' existance. There's so much more, but it isn't worth typing out. I'm investigating it personally, anyway. :P

Sigh. Okay, I'm done. I was shocked at first, but now I'm just laughing! How much can a person eff their own life? She's made it an art.

But let's not concentrate on that. I won that pretty eBay dress! :D It should be here within ten days! And I got a bustier to wear with it, as it is strapless, and I don't think a regular old strapless bra is going to cut it. But, yay for pretty dresses!

I'm having a good time. Scary, but good. :)

Love you all!

-A.

Why I Love David. (Sorry, Brian!)

"you always have so many suitors, reading your blog is like reading pride and prejudice"

-David

:)

You know--people (my roommates and MICA friends, mostly) have been telling me for months that I always seem to have a string of boys at my beck and call. I never saw it until I returned from Italy and it all exploded--I think I strike up flirtations, and occasionally make it to the first date, but then it all sort of dissipates from there. :/ It's happened with Ben, Eric, Dan (on a larger level), Doctor Hottie--and obviously things with the guys who actually stick it out long enough to be my boyfriends don't work out. That doesn't make me sad, really--it's just kind of frustrating.

Don't get me wrong. I really like 'playing the field' and all, but I'm worth the time. Now, that isn't the boys' fault, necessarily. Sometimes we just don't mesh, and that's totally fine. I guess I'm just sick of running into walls. :/

But, I figure, if I keep thinking I'm going to meet my true love in the next boy, or the next one, I know I'll be disappointed. Time to think in the now! :)

Love you all--

-A.

A Semi-Solitary Weekend

With Betsy at home in New Jersey for the weekend, and Jen home for two weeks on Long Island, I have four long days by my lonesome. I had a wonderful visit with Ben, who drove up from Virginia at short notice to be with little old me. :)

Ben and I have bonded amazingly well lately--two phone conversations in the last three days lasting over 3 hours. They've been informative, funny, and sometimes difficult, but always rewarding. It's nice to have a friend that challenges me. It's good for me.

I had two shifts yesterday, and at the end of my second, a DA I've known for years, Tiff (not Marla's roommate!) came in with a boy I don't know and I ended up talking with her about the events of the past year (I told her about my upcoming date with Mark and she inquired about Robin and I).

The most fascinating part was, the guy she came in with, Jie, ended up being Mark's best friend! He didn't have much info to offer about Mark--save a little insider stuff about his ex (they've been done for awhile, and were on-and-off for almost their whole 4 YEAR RELATIONSHIP. Yeesh.). I am a little wary that this is just a rebound thing, but I'm not going to make any decisions about that until the actual date!

In other news, I applied to City Cafe (Donna's has been flaky and silent), and I've been mostly holed up watching reruns of Gossip Girl: Season One. Seriously. Everyone needs to watch this show.

Tonight is up in the air--I don't have a shift and I'm uncreative. :P

But Betsy is back tomorrow, and then my date on Wednesday! Maybe I should enjoy the relaxation. :P Also, I'm hoping to secure this gorgeous dress on eBay--




Wish me luck! :)

Love,

-A.

Well, Look Who Has A Date!

Mark called me in the last two minutes of the Pens game (3-1 loss D:) and invited me out for dinner Wednesday night! I accepted, naturelement.

Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted.

-A.

P.S. This series of tags sort of cracks me up. Oh, to be dating Sidney Crosby. :P

I am popular lately!

Since I returned to Baltimore, I have been chatted up by three different guys! Maybe four, but that remains to be seen.

The most recent was a guy named Mark--he graduated in '08 and built the sets for Good Thing, the play I stage managed last spring. We never really talked much during the show--although we got along well--and all of a sudden he contacts me on Facebook and invites me to dinner! I suspect it has something to do with the fact that my profile picture is me looking model-hot in a corset. (Sources also say he's only recently single out of a long-term relationship, so we'll see.)

Since he invited me in a message, I told him I can't accept online invites and gave him my number. I intend to accept if and when he calls. Why wouldn't I? :) He is really handsome--not my usual, much broader and muscular--and from our limited and past interaction, totally nice.

We'll see how it goes over!

In other news, Ben (Bennett) came over last night and we went out to dinner. It's refreshing to have a person like him around--he's unlike any friend I've ever had, which is both awesome and sort of annoying. :P But we get along well and he's fun to be around. It's also nice to have a friend I can kiss goodbye on the cheek without feeling weird about it. I've wanted that forever! Odd desire, I know.

Also, I had coffee with John on Tuesday (he's the 'maybe four' mentioned above) and WOW, do we hit it off every time we see each other! Even better, we got to talk about faith (conservative Christian, w00t!) and he was on my page, even finishing my sentences! Very, very, very nice. And it's pretty clear that we want to spend more time together--he invited me to Boston this weekend (!), but I had to work--sorry Drea! :((( And he also offered to drive from New Jersey to Baltimore to pick me up and take me BACK to New Jersey so I can see Harry Potter 6 with him and his friends (we are nerds. love it.)! Generous and cool. There's obviously a lot of affection on both sides in a short time, but I like it! He's a sweetheart.

WHAT IS MY LIFE?! Lauren must have inadvertently passed along her hotness!

So! Anyway, I saw Marla again today, and it's looking like she's decided that our tactic for the rest of forever will be Ignoring. Classic. So, that's where we are now.

ANYWAY, enough about my social calendar--no response from the Walters yet, affirmatively or negatively. But, they did send me an e-mail that the internship was intended for grad students, but they'd pass my resume on anyway. So, it's looking unlikely, but who knows? I have a lot of cool stuff behind me.

Hope you're all doing well! Love you--

-A.

Crossing the T's and Dotting the I's.

I am not very good at it. :/ I always forget these important things!

I'm having a teensy panic because I'm supposed to be meeting Rebecca, my thesis advisor, before 5ish PM, and I left the book I made this past semester in my apartment, but, because the girl I sublet to, Lee, hasn't given me her key yet, and because Jen and Betsy are out, I am now locked out with no way to get my book! :(

But, Jen or Lee should be back before 4 pm--at least, I think. I'll let you know how it goes.

ANYWAY, Betsy cut and lightened my hair last night--it's about five inches shorter and light gold/brown. Not too drastic of a change, but good. :) I look more grown up, but simultaneously more tough, in a way. Or maybe I'm just projecting. :P

Jen, Betsy, and I had a photo shoot in our basement last night--it is super-creepy and horror-set worthy, and on top of that, the photos came out beautifully. Once Betsy posts them on her website, I'll direct you over.

In exciting news for Lauren, her dating slump is over (although considering she's never really dated, I suppose it never technically began), and she has FOUR guys looking for her attention this summer. Two of them are about 23 (kind of old for her 18-year-old self, and one may have a girlfriend already), and one is a pothead (a definite no for her, thankfully), and the other was in her graduating class, but doesn't have the best reputation for sobriety. We'll see how it pans out. I'm just pleased that she starting to get the attention she deserves.

No romantic opportunities for me, of course--it's a little soon to say, after all--but I should be concentrating on school and work anyway. :) Seeing the commencement party yesterday for MICA '09 gave me a little scare, coupled with this thrill of excitement. But mostly scared. :P

Hope you're all having a good day. Wish me luck with getting into my apartment!

-A.

P.S. For those of you who watch Gossip Girl. Holy ish. Last night?! AMAZING.

P.P.S. For those of you who watch the Pittsburgh Penguins. Holy ish! On our way to the Cup! One down, three to go! :D

AHHHH, relief!

On the relationship front, anyway.

Things with Ben couldn't have gone better! Well, okay, that's simplifying it a little.

I took the MARC to DC on Friday, and after a few stops on the Metro, greeted Ben in Virginia. That evening was great--I met a couple of his friends and we hit it off just fine! We hung out at a hookah bar and just talked and watched Ben's friend Tyler whip him at backgammon five times :P

The NEXT day however, was weird and awkward and it was so, so painfully clear how much we DO NOT gel as a couple. So, we went to breakfast and had an awkward walk and argued a lot about God, as we do. It's just so tense, and he's bad at letting things just go without making them into a ten minute dissertation about why he's right. Despite all of this, he is a good guy, and I am really excited about staying friends with him.

So, we are FINALLY making our way back to Baltimore--after about twenty minutes of relative silence, he reaches over and takes my hand, and I just come out and say it: "Look, I think us dating would just be all wrong. We're so not right for each other."

Now, I get a little nervous here, because, as I wrote before, I'm expecting him to be hurt, but then again, our morning was PRETTY BAD. But he surprised me: "I was trying to figure out how to say the same thing, gently." My insides were singing hallelujah, I'll tell you that!

After that, we were totally fine! It was just, so NICE to be able to be normal and friendly and funny, but still talk semi-awkwardly-but-mostly-funnily about our "romance", AKA "makeouts" and why we would never have worked out (so, SO many things!).

At my suggestion, we had a cookout for Robin last night, as he left today for Pittsburgh. It was a lot of fun, and I have to say, there is never a time I feel more comfortable and joyful than when I am in a roomful of relaxed, fun people that I love. :)

Ben bonded with Colin and Robin over Rock Band last night, which we played from 11 PM-2 AM (I sang--doy), and he stayed over in my bed (no funny business, just cuddling, I promise! :P It just felt good to be near someone). We got breakfast at XS this morning and just enjoyed our time together for a few hours before he had to go. No kiss--just a big hug and a promise to keep in touch. It went so well I was beaming!

Starting from square one is never fun, but better this outcome than anything more dramatic.

Speaking of square one, I said goodbye to Robin before Ben and I went out for breakfast. It wasn't hard, exactly, but I've barely gotten to see him, and I miss him. I don't want our progress interrupted! Last night things seemed like they were going back to normal, which made me feel so, so great! But, naturally, I'm the first person to say that they'll never be the same, and I still get this weird let's-call-it-protectiveness-instead-of-jealousy about him. But it'll pass after a while, I'm sure. :)

It's so funny how open and honest this blog sounds, when there is still so, so much I could say about this, and have said to a few of you, and to a black diary.

Ben surpassed my expectations this afternoon and texted me about seeing a baseball game next week. Not even a whole day and he's keeping the promise to stay friends! Actively! I am so, so pleased. :D

I have more to worry about--school stuff, money, jobs, etc. But I know I have good friends and a good head on my shoulders, and even when things get me panicky, I know I have a good God who gave me both, and I am so thankful. :)

Hope you're all doing well!

Love you--

-A.

So many things go on in my life--

Thankfully, they are mostly awesome things.

I am back in Baltimore, which has been great--the drive down with Lauren was largely unproblematic, Robin and I are more than fine, Betsy and Jen are both great (still bickering), and Lee, the girl who I sublet to, is pretty absent from the apartment usually. BUT, in an awesome turn of events, I came at the perfect time--she is paying two rents, and with the advent of my return, she is going to move out of my room earlier than expected! Pretty good timing.

Ben came to see me yesterday, which was also lovely. He brought me roses--two red, two yellow--and opened the car door for me and all of that gentlemanly awesomeness. We had a good day--low-key but fun--and in the evening, we got to talking. Debating, in one, about our opposing religious viewpoints. And then, discussing the possibility of a relationship.

At first, I was sort of relieved--it seemed like we were on the same page: we liked the other, enjoyed the other's company, but in the end, we aren't really what the other is looking for, mostly based on sex, politics, and religion. Sure, fine. But all of a sudden, there was this wacky deal where I figure out that he likes me a WHOLE lot more than I though he did, and that it's really hard (read: impossible) for him to just be friends with girls he likes from the outset.

This upset me more than the revelation that we aren't actually right for each other romantically. I wasn't hurt, but sort of sad. For some reason, I got this fire in me--it became essential to cultivate a lasting friendship with Ben. It is essential. Hm.

Anyway, we had that talk, and I told him I was still going to make an effort to remain friends, and he said he'd try. But, sure enough, when all of us (Jen, Betsy, Robin, Colin, Ben2, My Ben, and I) went to see Star Trek (pretty fun, I gotta say), he got all affectionate and hand-holdy again. Since the midst of a blockbuster is not the best place to talk it out, so I waited until I was walking him out to the car as he was leaving last night. When I asked what the deal was, he did what I wanted Robin to do back in February--he said 'I'm going to ignore the differences/odds against us for now."

I was surprised, and pleased, but not because I have any urgent feelings about being with Ben. In fact, as I'd said before, I was sort of relieved that we'd agreed to just try friendship. It was just nice to feel like I'm important to someone--especially someone who doesn't know me that well. But I don't want to hang this relationship on my own feelings of self-worth--that would be stupid and, doy, selfish. He deserves better than that.

He told me it was my call. Because of the above paragraph, I didn't say no. Not right away. I told him yes for now, but I still had to think about it. But, as I do, I knew as soon as I turned and watched him drive out that I should've drawn the line. He invited me to stay at his place on Friday--that probably won't happen, but again, I do want to stay in touch.

Whew. Also, darn. It was like a taste of an attentive boyfriend who is making an effort to honor me, and I've wanted that for a while.

I still haven't seen Marla--hopefully today.

School stuff is sneaking up on me a little, which is stressful, but I can take it. Now to get a job! Wheee!

Wish me luck--

-A.

P.S. Go Pens! Game 7! Bottle the Caps! :D