Back to School again.

Feeling the heat now... :/

Before May 1st, I need to:

-Scan and color 28 pages of comic. (Wooo.)

-Order them to be bound and printed. (Not to mention earn the money to do so.)

-Do the rest of my assignments to satisfaction. (The true challenge.)

-Not have a panic attack. (Uhg.)

Wish me luck.

In other news, my last few days of Spring Break were really pleasant! John returned safe and sound, and I got to hang out with Colin and Katie a bit. :) Not to mention the GORGEOUS sunshine, which always brings my mood up (I'm looking forward to more, because sunshine also makes me feel more productive).

For a special treat, my old friend Nice!Joey (from my days at SACI--a year ago!!!) came to Baltimore with his roommate (whose girlfriend lives here) and we got to hang out and catch up for a couple hours! Yay for study abroad friends!

Today was largely uneventful as I had a grave shift last night and didn't shower until 2pm. (I'm lame.) HOWEVER, tomorrow I have my big scary ORAL SURGERY! (To be fair, it's only one tooth, and I'll probably only be given local anaesthetic, meaning I'll be awake--which I prefer!) I'm a liiiittle nervous, but John will be there to be all supportive. :)

I hope you all had a good weekend!

-A.

Hark, how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say 'Throw cares away'...

I'm home and settled in for the most part--John was here from Thursday to Monday and met my Dad, his wife Lisa and her daughter Sam, Robert, KJ, Em, Drea, Joey V., Bess, Abby C. and her boyfriend Greg, not to mention RE-meeting my SACI roommates Emily, Christine and Ulyssa.

We got in around 4:15 and unpacked and relaxed with KJ and Mom and Robert until about 5:30 when we drove up to my Dad's for his 49th (!) birthday dinner! Dad and Lisa really liked John, which was nice ("What's not to like?" -My mom).

After that, we met up with Drea and Eat 'N' Park (which looks all Panera-fied and not greasy/seedy AT ALL anymore, which is upsetting), and soon accumulated a few more people: Joey, Em, and Bess. When Drea, Em, and Bess has to leave, Joey gave John a very involved quiz to prove his worth. :P It was pretty great, ranging from "What is Alyssa's favorite color?" to "Do you like 'Jersey Shore'?" (PLUS A GA-GRILLION POINTS) It was fun. :D

John met Ab and Greg on Sunday night--it was a casual visit, and John was pretty quiet for the whole thing, but it was so good to catch up with Abby and see Greg again!

Monday night was great--John and I went to the South Side and met up with Emily, Christine and Uly at S Bar. We caught up and talked and it was SO good to see them (I haven't seen them since APRIL! WHAT? Almost eight months?!). They're all doing well and are all happy. It was really good to reconnect.

John left on Monday around 1, and I'm already ready for him to come back! He and Lauren didn't get to meet because Lauren was in Ohio this weekend visiting friends. But they'll both be here on the 29th to meet! Pretty exciting!

We also got our Christmas tree, but our (working) lights only cover about 2/3 of the tree. Class. :P

Cheese-tastic aside (Lauren, skip to the end :P): Since being with John, I've really begun to understand what Godly love is. I always knew God loved me, but I had no idea what that love felt like to palpably give and receive until I got into a relationship with John. He's really made me realize what it means to commit and to take chances but also feel entirely sure and confident in myself and in my relationship. He proves to me (even more) how completely God takes care of His people. I'm so thankful, and so happy. I love him! Yay!

Hope you all have an amazing and merry Christmas!

Love,

-A.

A little venting that's been building up over nearly three and a half years. (Also, template re-do!)

I’ve always doubted my talent in the visual arts. I’m quite sure of my singing talent, and decently confident in my acting abilities (usually), but I’ve never quite sat comfortably with my art.

I like my art just fine, for the most part, but it’s difficult to attend such an amazing school where you see so many fantastic people making this gorgeous, seemingly effortless work constantly. MICA does a good job of not fostering a comparative or competitive spirit, particularly within the illustration department, but I’ve always had that tendency without any help. I have a very hard time not comparing myself to my fellow classmates, for better or for worse (usually for worse).

I acknowledge that I am absolutely not the most talented student in my year and major. Most days I’m not sure I’m even in the top 50%, which is disheartening, as I’ve chosen this for my career. My mom (oh, moms) assures me I’m way too hard on myself, but I’m not so sure. After all, she isn’t here all the time, seeing what I see. Plus, she’s my MOM.

I get disappointed in myself. I know a large part of my disappointment has to do with my own lack of work ethic, which is a start. This is an issue I need to solve, and soon. However, people outside of the art community don’t seem to understand how difficult and time-consuming art really is. Try having to complete multiple pieces within a week or two. These artworks must be smart, conceptual, beautiful, individual, and perfectly-crafted. I admit, I wasn’t aware of what art was going to demand of me when MICA first accepted me.

When I arrived home after my first semester at MICA, most of my friends asked a similar question: ‘How do you grade art?’ With all of the things I mentioned above; all the effort and intelligence and beauty. Sort of like Miss America. Haha, just kidding. Miss Americas aren’t intelligent. :P

It’s a challenge, and it’s often a really fun challenge. Sophomore year was the most fun for me—the projects were usually small, quirky, useful assignments: editorial, mostly. My Narrative Illustration class helped me turn out some of my best work because I’m passionate about characters and stories. It’s a good feeling, seeing your work improve. But it’s hard to keep that confidence up when that improvement still hasn’t raised you to a level where you can compete professionally with your collegues.

I nurse a strange paranoia in myself. At MICA—at any art school—we critique artwork. Not only in class, but amongst ourselves—we rank out who can draw and who can’t. I have this feeling that my closest friends at MICA (exceptionally talented designers and artists in their own right) privately think of me as the least talented among us. I may be entirely out of my mind in thinking that (actually most of my friends haven’t seen my work due to this very insecurity), but it’s a feeling I can’t shake.

To change tack, I’m not sure I can say that I’m passionate about art. Maybe about portraits. I’m not sure I can say I’m passionate about MY art. I enjoy doing it, certainly, and I often like what I do. I love looking at beautiful art, but I’m the first to say I’m a strict classicist with little to no interest in contemporary fine art. I’ve felt passionate about people and about singing, but I’m not sure I’ve felt that same rush about art. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never really expressed myself artistically.

The closest I’ve ever come to doing so was in a thirty-page comic book/diary I drew while I was in Florence, Italy this past Spring. It was funny and cute and sometimes sad, and my artwork made some huge strides, and I was happy with the product, but I’m hesitant to call what I do ‘expressive’.

Or maybe I’m just being a giant WEENIE. Thoughts?

Thanksgiving was lovely (the soup went over well!) and TOO SHORT. But I can’t wait for this semester to be over so I can take John home to my family! :D

I got to talk to Em and Drea this week, for the first time in a babillion years. I’ve been realizing lately how close I am to them, and how much closer I’ve stayed to them as my MICA friends have shifted. I love you guys!

Overall, I’m happy, if stressed with all the effing work I have to do before the semester’s end:

-At least 15 pages of thesis work done, plus a few pages inked plus final critique.
-10 page paper for Art and Architecture of Ancient Egypt plus a final exam.
-Objectivity final exam.
-ArtMarket and final Lab critique.

BLAH.

Wish me luck.

Lots and lots of love,
-A.

Sheesh.

Okay, be prepared, because I'm about to go into a ramble.

As most of you know, the little box under my Facebook profile picture says "I want undiluted love." This is very true. My friends know this and have referenced my own phrase to me several times when I've expressed hesitance with a guy--several guys since I've returned to Baltimore (as you may have read).

I appreciate what they are trying to say--plainly, "WHY ARE YOU HESITATING, YOU DUMMY?" These inputs, paired with my own observations, can be ironed out into these points:

1. It's easier to love than be loved/be halfway.

When I'm interested in someone, I can handle the person not feeling the same way. It still sucks--don't get me wrong--but then, like with any rejection, one can have the freedom and the right to feel sad, angry, hurt, upset, etc.

For me, I'm in this awkward and limiting place where I can't summon the same feelings or potential for those feelings. This is a natural thing--we don't fall in love with everyone who is interested in us. Doy. However, I feel stifled when I can't reciprocate more than a little. :/ (Not that this is every case, but I'm never 'all-there' for that other person.) It's so hard to "have the control" in the situation, when I don't have control over my own feelings!

2. It sounds self-centered--"Oh, all these boys love me, what am I going to do?!"

I hate looking like some fickle asshole jerking guys around--I was best friends with those butthead girls, and I don't want to become one, having disengaged myself from that behavior in others already. I hate looking like a tease, or careless. The last thing I want to do is give someone the wrong impression, but it feels like setting myself up for failure to SAY 'Oh, I'm just trying you out--we'll see if I like you someday.'

3. I don't just feel like there's something missing in one situation, or two, but in myself.

The biggest frustration is feeling like there's something wrong with ME in not being able to feel for these boys in return. Now, don't get me wrong--sometimes I felt exactly what I was meant to (Nick and Chris were total wastes of time, for example, and I 'm glad I didn't waste any feelings on them), but there have been awesome guys that care about me that I can't be 100% for when they really deserve it!

I've written before that I want to be able to work and grow in my feelings alongside the other person, together. That is made very difficult when the other person is leaps ahead of me in regards to their feelings about me. That is nothing they've done wrong, in the least. It's a complete honor--just a lot of pressure.

I had a much-needed phone call with Melissa last night--I've been in a bit of a faith rut recently, and that call with her was so helpful in reassuring me that I need to stop stressing myself out. I'll feel for a man when it's supposed to happen, whoever it's with. Whew. She also reminded me of a certain line in Song of Solomon (2:7) that I need to keep in mind:

In my Bible (NAS), it says this, "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the hinds of the field, That you do not arouse or awaken my love Until she pleases."

Melissa's version (NIV) says this: "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Her translation is much prettier, and well, applicable. :)

I have to be patient. (Dammit.)

An unrelated eyeroll, from the first paragraph of Lacie's new blog: "I'm tempted to write something serious or consequential about my recent fall from grace, my new crush, my penniless existence, or my complete state of unbelief and the apparent utter loss of a future. Instead, however, I'd like to revert back to focusing on my one, true love, fashion."

Yesterday was a lovely day off--I got some errands run, wrote a letter and a nice, long diary entry (6th handwritten diary begun--woo!), watched The Other Boleyn Girl and had bonding time with Kirsi, and got my phone charger back! I'm connected with the real world again! :P

Today will be as productive and relaxing, hopefully. It's already gotten off to a good start! I went into the Main Building this morning for some Financial Aid stuff, and ran smack into some conservators restoring the plaster casts in the lobby! I watched them for a little bit, and started talking to them about programs and opportunities. Ugh--before I'd even APPLY to a program I need two years of chem. And then art history (which I've mostly done) and languages (a working knowledge of reading French and German for NYU). Eesh. There are only four art conservation programs in the country--and only three I'd really consider: NYU (LOLASIFI'DGETIN), University of Delaware (where Diane and Lori, the conservators, attended), and UCLA/Getty. Ugh. It's all so competitive and scary!

Alyssa, concentrate on NOW. TODAY. Sheesh.

God, you are good. :) I see the little things, little hints and bits of information and possibilities you set out for me. Thanks.

Robin visited this weekend, which was great! We watched The Room, as planned, and I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF. It was so bad/good. Go watch it. NOW.

Having some alone time with Robin for the first time since January was also wonderful--I missed us! :) Although I have to say, we get on each other's nerves x1,000,000,000 now. Why is that? We argued way more than we ever did before this weekend. But we always apologized. :P

I also went to New Jersey, to see Harry Potter with John and his friends--that was also a very successful trip, and one of the reasons I went on the above ramble in the first place. His family and friends are wonderful, and I felt entirely comfortable and welcomed by them (with the exception of his ex, which is to be expected). John has invited me to go with him and his family and a few friends to his beach house in Delaware next month, which I would love. Finally, a chance to break out the bathing suit I got in Corsica! :P But seriously, it would be a great chance to spend more time with the awesome people in his life.

Especially his mom--I was the most nervous about meeting her after what we now refer to as "The Talk", but she was down-to-earth and fun and funny and very willing to joke about John's ex. :D She's a lot of fun and we really bonded.

ANYWAY, I have some thesis stuffs to do, then watching Closer before I have to return it to the video store. I don't think I ever described much about my thesis project, have I? I won't say too, too much, but I was inspired by David, who told me about an abandoned subway station his friend took him to. I'll just say there's a sort of escapist fantasy involved. :)

I hope you all have an awesome day. :) I'll try and update more, and better!

Love,

-A.

Undoing the knots.

I met up with Brandon yesterday--the second Person-To-See on my list since I got home (the first was Brian of "Why I Love Brian" fame), and spilled my guts to him a bit about my and Robin's breakup. He was sympathetic but logical, as usual, which meant he was simultaneously saying things like "Where the eff did this come from? Those aren't good reasons to break up. That sucks." and "There is no way you guys can be friends anymore. It'll fall apart."

My mom had a similar sentiment, but coming from a different place: "You should drop him. He rooked you. Tell him to stay the hell away from you."

Harsh, naturally. I want to stay friends with Robin--that was our first priority.

They both (along with a couple others at SACI) suggested that there's a third party. I'm not so quick to support that theory--I'd like to think that Robin would be more honest with me than that.

We've talked on the phone three times since I got home, and it's been okay, but always slightly awkward and not FORMAL, but stiff. I hate that. Maybe it'll get better when we're in person. I'm just having this terrifying feeling bubbling up in my stomach that things will fall apart like Brandon said. He was right about Lacie and I, after all.

I have a theory about any relationship. Each party has to put in 100%, okay? Doy. We all know this. If they both do this, things can work out much more evenly and with a higher success rate. If both parties let it drop off, say, only giving 60% each, it'll disintegrate on it's own. If one person is only giving 90%, the other person works to give 110% to balance that and so on. If one party is super-dedicated to making the relationship work, he or she will overextend him or herself to meet the difference, whether it's a small one (10%) or a huge one (say, 80%).

I learned this from my mom, who worked for ten years to make her marriage with my dad work because she thought it was her fault that it wasn't working, when in reality, Dad was the one who wasn't doing a damn thing. I've inherited my mom's tendency to overextend--I take care of people and end up ignoring or sacrificing my own comfort in the process. At least, I used to.

That whole shebang ended in my friendships as far as The Lacie Situation--I learned to never, ever let any friend jerk me around and take advantage of my the way Lacie did. I hardened somewhat.

Maybe I hadn't learned to take-no-bullshit romantically yet until the break-up with Robin. Not that I think I was taking care of Robin the way I did Lacie (I was her Mom/Sister/Confidante for five years plus), but I was easy on him. I let him off easy after the breakup. I didn't intend to, and I guess I can't say that there isn't time for me to still get answers that I want and need. I think that after I left for Italy, the effort to keep the relationship going was 99% mine. I thought a lot of things about how Robin was feeling and I got a lot of green lights, so it was Full Speed Ahead for awhile. Until mid-February, when I actually challenged Robin by trying to move forward.

That was when things changed a bit. He had been resistant to our becoming "official" because of our "differences"--the ones that would be too big to get past. Faith, politics, lifestyles. All understandable. But I asked him to try and let go of worries about the future--I cared about him and just wanted to be in the moment, in the relationship (which was a huge step for me on its own). I asked him not to let me talk him into it, which he took into account, and accepted my offer. Great!

But as soon as I even HINTED at the fact that we would have to tell people, specifically Marla, he got very tense. He broke up with me two weeks later, citing our differences once more, anxiety over telling people about us, and our 'doomed-to-fail'-ness. He assured me Marla had nothing to do with it, and maybe that's true. Maybe he was too worried that the whole thing would blow up within our social circle.

Either way, he dropped the Effort ball at some point. Now, I'm not saying that is always the wrong thing to do, but in this case, we hadn't been together on the same continent as a couple yet, and I was to return in one month when we broke up. Everyone I told was stunned--"Where did this come from?", "You'll be home in four weeks!", "What random timing...", etc.

It sucked, hard, but I'm actually feeling okay about it. I mean, I'm bummed on some level, I guess, but I worked hard to get over it. Mom insists that I moved on too fast, let Robin off way too easy. (Coming from the woman who told me we hadn't been together long enough to warrant disappointment in the first place. *eyeroll*)

I guess I just didn't/don't want to dwell on it, but more and more I just want to get some answers and move forward again, even if it's in a completely different direction.

Hope you're all having a fantastic week--love you all!

-A.

HOLY SHIT IT'S APRIL.

Wow, guys. Two weeks and I'll be home with you! Can you believe it?!!!! I can't.

Not much new here, getting more work done on my comic, for sure! It's coming along really, really well, if I do say so myself.

David and I have been bonding awesomely! We get along so, so well, and we can talk about anything! It's been a huge relief to me--it's not that I don't feel comfortable talking to Mel or my roommates, but I guess I just feel like David is more sympathetic to me. We understand why the other is frustrated--we can level with each other without offering advice about how to react to something. I'll miss him!

Other than that, I've been thinking about classes for next semester, and enjoying the warmer weather--all standard positives!

I've been chatting with John on our Facebook wall about getting a few classes together next semester, and I got a really nice reply message from Casey (Robin's friend from high school, remember him from way back over Winter Break?), detailing how his semester is going. I messaged him back in January, and I was curious to see how he was doing--Casey and I got along really well, and I have to say, I want to keep hanging out with Robin's friends!

Emily--I found out my Painting Conservation final is this coming Thursday, and I'm supposed to come out to you on Wednesday. :/ I'm going to try and talk my teacher into letting me take it Wednesday morning, which would be IDEAL, because then all my written tests/shows would be out of the way, save my Etching finals, and I'll have another week to take care of that. :) I'll let you know how it goes down. Worst comes to worst, I'll have to come in on Thursday night. :((( Is that a super-issue?

Okay, I have to go, but I love you guys, and I miss you!

-A.

I'm feeling refreshed!

My critique with Kevin went very well! He was super-complimentary and encouraging, which was great. Two weeks ago, at our last crit, he said he couldn't "trust" me (to get my work done in time), and that really put me off. Yesterday he brought it up again, saying he could trust me now. I told him that it wasn't HIS place to trust ME--as my teacher he should be working to make ME trust HIM. BAM.

It felt good. :)

I also have a soft ground etching of an eaten grapefruit going into a show soon! A lot of good things going on--a nice reminder from God that I'll be FINE, despite a little bit of heartache.

I haven't eaten a THING today, however, so I'm going to remedy that. (4 pm, I know--shame on me!)

I hope you're all having a wonderful day!

Love you!

-A.

:D

This past weekend was really, really pleasant.

An acquaintance of mine from MICA, John, visited Florence over the weekend (he's studying animation in Bournemouth, England this semester) and stayed with #10. We had never really gotten to talk much before this visit, and I was excited to get to talk to him more. I was stunned to hear how much we have in common (aside from our unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter)! And best of all, he said that he'd been excited to see me on the visit too! It was flattering and nice to have a new person to get to know. :)

And he said I was beautiful and have a "fantastic voice". That helps. :D

ANYWAY, I got some more work done for my crit with Kevin today, and Mel and I oversaw some awesome cooking that happened in our apartment this weekend! Saturday night we made roasted red pepper (vegetarian) chili, and last night we made baked mac and cheese (using fontina and pecorino instead of cheddar). SO. GOOD.

I also got to talk to Emily, which was a very, very pleasant surprise! I'm so excited for our trip!

Okay, I have to get to my crit! I hope you guys are having an awesome week so far!

Love you, miss you!

-A.

A Useless Little Filler Post.

I don't have much to report on, really, but I feel like I should be better at updating. Ab Fab is kicking my ass!

This weekend has been pretty uneventful--my roommates were away again: Melissa and Christine in Paris and Emily in Naples/Capri. So, I was alone. The first night was a little lonesome--I've been alone at home a lot lately--but it wasn't too bad. I spent most of my weekend at SACI screwing around on the computer (kind of like now, hm), which is lame of me, because I have a lot of work to do!

Last night was more successful, socially. I went to Sarah C's place for dinner, and we just talked for a few hours. It's been nice to catch up with her--we hung out all the time freshman year (I practically lived in her apartment), and we'd barely seen each other since then! She gave me a little perspective on the looming and inevitable conversation with Marla coming in the next weeks. It's nice to have someone who knows her sympathize, I guess. Most people I consult don't know her at all. Sarah, who has a little fear for Marla's temper to begin with, can at least share in my discomfort.

Today will (hopefully) be spent finishing a couple comic sketches, then this week I get down to the finals! I also downloaded Pocahontas and Beauty and the Beast as a little surprise gift for my roommates when they return, so hopefully we can watch one of those. :)

I live a boring life. :P

BUT, something sort of funny did happen yesterday. I was snooping through this one studio, and looking at a girl's notes and sketches, and this one HUGE painting--it was near the door, and so big, half the room was obscured. I decided to move around it to look at the neighboring studio space. As I stepped around it, I was startled by a guy sitting on a stool directly behind the big painting, one earbud hanging out. I gasped and one hand flew to my heart, like a cartoon. I stammered and apologized a few times, then, like a GOOF, I apologized for startling HIM. He unsmilingly apologized for startling me, then changed tack and started chatting me up!

As it turns out, this guy, Jordan, is roommates with Nice!Joey (have I mentioned him here? Great guy from Ohio, really cool), and goes to Alfred (he knows Maddy Crawford). He then invited me over to his place for dinner, "because, you know, me and Joey cook all the time". I'm not about to turn down a free meal with some nice guys, and Joey knows I'm taken and can fill Jordan in, so I accepted for a future, undetermined time.

I told Sarah about the embarrassment and comedy of the whole deal, and she proceeded to inform me that this was the Jordan who had made out with Michelle-The-TA-I-Hate in Venice! I mentioned this incident at the end of my March 11th entry. Minus major points, man. MAJOR points.

But, on the upswing, I'm going to see Watchmen with Nice!Joey on Thursday! This local place called the Odeon Cinema shows American movies with Italian subtitles. I am SO EXCITED. If you've already seen it, shut up, because I've already heard too much!

Ab--did you ever finish reading Watchmen?

Em's mom recently sent me our itinerary of sorts for Corsica, which is really exciting! I'm totally looking forward to it. :D

Just, a final note. Seeing the way God works in the lives of people I know--not just me--is humbling. I see people doing 180s. I see amazing things happening, and I can't help but be completely joyful. I can't really be detailed, but, God, you are so awesome! I can't help smiling! :D

Love you guys, and I'll talk to you soon,

-A.

I know, you're going to start expecting things.

But because I am a nerd who likes others to tell me what I already know about myself, I took the Myers-Briggs test. Needless to say, it was scarily accurate, for the most part. I've bolded the especially accurate parts. :) Because you care. :P (It's long--I understand if you want to skip through it.)

*Portrait of an ENFJ - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Extraverted Feeling with Introverted Intuition)

The Giver

As an ENFJ, you're primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this.

Because ENFJ's people skills are so extraordinary, they have the ability to make people do exactly what they want them to do. They get under people's skins and get the reactions that they are seeking. ENFJ's motives are usually unselfish, but ENFJs who have developed less than ideally have been known to use their power over people to manipulate them.

ENFJ's are so externally focused that it's especially important for them to spend time alone. This can be difficult for some ENFJs, because they have the tendency to be hard on themselves and turn to dark thoughts when alone. Consequently, ENFJs might avoid being alone, and fill their lives with activities involving other people. ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.

ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others. Because their strongest interest lies in being a catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others on their own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals.

Which is not to say that the ENFJ does not have opinions. ENFJs have definite values and opinions which they're able to express clearly and succinctly. These beliefs will be expressed as long as they're not too personal. ENFJ is in many ways expressive and open, but is more focused on being responsive and supportive of others. When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs. (A note from me: Well, NO. Not really.)

The ENFJ may feel quite lonely even when surrounded by people. This feeling of aloneness may be exacerbated by the tendency to not reveal their true selves.

People love ENFJs. They are fun to be with, and truly understand and love people. They are typically very straight-forward and honest. Usually ENFJs exude a lot of self-confidence, and have a great amount of ability to do many different things. They are generally bright, full of potential, energetic and fast-paced. They are usually good at anything which captures their interest.

ENFJs like for things to be well-organized, and will work hard at maintaining structure and resolving ambiguity. They have a tendency to be fussy, especially with their home environments.

In the work place, ENFJs do well in positions where they deal with people. They are naturals for the social committee. Their uncanny ability to understand people and say just what needs to be said to make them happy makes them naturals for counseling. They enjoy being the center of attention, and do very well in situations where they can inspire and lead others, such as teaching.

ENFJs do not like dealing with impersonal reasoning. They don't understand or appreciate its merit, and will be unhappy in situations where they're forced to deal with logic and facts without any connection to a human element. Living in the world of people possibilities, they enjoy their plans more than their achievements. They get excited about possibilities for the future, but may become easily bored and restless with the present. (No, I get terrified of the future based on the present. :D)

ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happy people when they can use that gift to help others. They get their best satisfaction from serving others. Their genuine interest in Humankind and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals.

ENFJs have a strong need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating and maintaining these relationships. They're very loyal and trustworthy once involved in a relationship.

An ENFJ who has not developed their Feeling side may have difficulty making good decisions, and may rely heavily on other people in decision-making processes. If they have not developed their Intuition, they may not be able to see possibilities, and will judge things too quickly based on established value systems or social rules, without really understanding the current situation. An ENFJ who has not found their place in the world is likely to be extremely sensitive to criticism, and to have the tendency to worry excessively and feel guilty. They are also likely to be very manipulative and controlling with others.

In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual. As giving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their own needs as well as the needs of others. *

BAM. I rule.

Haha, minus all the stuff about being an insecure, slightly manipulative worrywart. :P

In other news, the resident Idiotic-28-Year-Old-TA-That-I-Despise, Michelle, made out with a student while entirely blotto in Venice, and there are photos. AND video. I wonder how the administration would feel about seeing those...

Unrelated Sidenote: My own Facebook stalking skills scare me sometimes. :/

Love you guys!

-A.

Ciao, Venezia!

So, this weekend was a sometimes-fun, sometimes-obnoxious foray into Venice Carnevale!

Me, Mel, and three of the four members of #10 (Noel, Morgan, and Emma) caught the train out of Florence at 8:30 AM on Friday morning, and made it into Venice, and into the hotel by noon. Once good thing I can say about the cheap-but-should-have-been-cheaper hotel was that it was WARM. Venice was freezing! Naturally, being near all that water.

Friday was really amazing--we got the obvious gondola ride (but at 20 euro less than usual! Score!). We had the privilege of having a cute gondolier, Thomaso, who informed us that one needs over 6 YEARS of training to be a gondolier! Holy EFF.

After the ride, we hit the market at Piazza San Polo, where we saw the hot Catholic priest calendars that make me want to weep--the cover priest should not withhold his glorious genes from humanity! Interestingly enough, there was also a hot gondolier calendar, and we started joking around about Thomaso being in it, and lo and behold! He was Mr. August! That was pretty fantastic, to say the least. :)

That night, we got all gussied up in our masks, and hung out in one of the piazzas with live music, apparently cobbled together by three drummers, a sax player, a trumpeteer, and a tambourine. Fun, but all the shoving and bumping kind of made me want to smack a bitch. We poured ourselves into bed around three AM.

Saturday was okay--a lot more people in the city, that's for sure. The density must have tripled overnight! Mel and I went separately from Noel, Morgan and Emma, who decided that sleeping was more imporant than being in VENICE. WHATEVER. We met up with the missing member of #10, David, briefly, then with our other roommates and our building-mates (who came to Venice with SACI), and hung out at Piazza San Marco for the afternoon, tooling around in our masks and feeding the pigeons, who are not shy and WILL land on you if you prompt them.



BAM. (My new profile pic, naturalement.)

Melissa and I made it out of Venice after an HOUR of shoving through the crowd, but we made it to the bus, met up with our oversleeping travel buddies, and caught the train home. We. Were. EXHAUSTED. To say the very least. But that didn't stop Me, Mel, and Emma from staying up 'til 3 AM to watch Green Wing, which is the UK's solution to Scrubs, but BETTER.

Sidenote: I've been making a ton of allusions to how awesome "Hey Arnold!" was this week. Like, a TON.

Sunday was lazy--Mel and I just lounged around, made a big breakfast, then got a pancake dinner. :) I had a mini-freak out about money and my art and the future, and I was reminded of how lucky I am to be friends and roommates with Mel. Once again. :) As if I could forget!

Today was fine--went to Santa Maria Novella and sent my belated V-Day gift to Robin. I have to run, actually, I'm making dinner for my roomies tonight and I need to pick up a few things!

I love you guys, and I'll try and be less of a lame about updating! (Although I must say, I'm keeping up the best out of all of you! Save Ab-Fab, who seems to be on-par. Ab--how are you and G? Everything good?)

Have a great day!

-A.

P.S. Did I mention my mom is OFFICIALLY ENGAGED?! WOOOOOOOO!

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Why is it that more than almost anything, money (or my lack of it) backs me up so completely? Everywhere I am, it follows me around like a storm cloud, and I hate it.

I found out about a week ago that I have an outstanding housing balance, and after I spoke to the SACI rep in NYC, I talked to my grandparents--who, as you all know, offered to cover the expenses of my semester so I could experience Italy. I assumed that they just hadn't received the SACI bill or something, but their e-mail response was basically like "Oh, we were only covering the tuition (which went through MICA). We don't have $4100 for housing." Which is perfectly fine--just a bad misunderstanding. I'm more than grateful that they got me this far.

But now, I'm put in that horrible crunch where I have to:

A.) Get (another) loan.
B.) Get a credit card and pay the balance on credit.
C.) (Worst case scenario, of course) Being forced to leave SACI mid-semester, which opens up a WHOLE other can of worms about me being behind on my degree plan, getting left behind, etc.
D.) Discover a rich relative, become their favorite niece and murder them for the inheritance. :P

I guess it's nothing to be too stressed about right this second, but I hate that shameful feeling that stems from everything involved with this situation--my failure in planning, admitting that failure, and the tension of trying to rectify it. I just feel crappy about how poorly I end up handling these situations! I know I should just stop whining and DO what I need to do. I just want to stop feeling so blocked by these problems.

ANYWAY, I'm doing well otherwise. I have a Skype date with Robin in 45 minutes, and I'm finally getting started on my independent pieces tonight! The sketching is complete, and now I'm starting the cutouts themselves! I'm really excited to get them going.

I love you guys, and I hope you're doing well!

-A.

I know, I know... :P

We made it official.

(I can hear you smirking smugly from here, Brandon. :P)

I guess I just figure, if everyone was concerned about the chance of breaking up, no one would ever get together and truly and fully enjoy another person!

Also, I told my mom about us, and she was surprisingly okay with the whole thing, even encouraging!

My roommates are going to Rome this weekend, so I get the whole house to myself! :D However, this DOES mean I'm spending Valentine's Day mostly alone, but Emma will still be here, and both of our boys are in the States, so maybe we can just have a Chick Flick night. Or watch Lord of the Rings. :P

I'm also auditioning for Godspell on Saturday! Yay! I met two boys, Calvin and Tom, who are my age and doing the show! It's exciting to meet new people who I can talk with about faith and theater!--not that I don't LOVE talking to Mel, as she's really helped me to look deeper into the basics of faith: patience, prayer, LETTING GO OF CONTROL. As most of you know, this is very hard for me--I want all the info and all the access all the time. With God, it's like I hand Him a broken toy to fix, and I watch and micro-manage, and when I think I've figured out EXACTLY what He's doing and how, I take the toy back to finish fixing it myself, and more quickly. But obviously, I am not God, and I usually eff it up. :P But I'm working to be more peaceful and willing to give up control to the being that ACTUALLY has the knowledge and power.

What a novel idea. :P

But for today, I'm going to go home and have lunch, then etching at one--I'm working on a soft ground, copper plate etching of a halved and eaten grapefruit I sketched at the beginning of the semester. Then at 4:30, a painting conservation lecture with my teacher, Roberta Lapucci, AKA the Goddess of Conservation. I just found out that she helped conserve Botticelli's Primavera! And she took us to this amazing exhibition about the 10-year-long conservation of Raphael's Madonna del Cardellino. It was SO gorgeous--the painting was practically glowing and the reassemblage (it was shattered in an earthquake/rockslide in the 1400s) was practically invisible!

Then dinner and some reading/sketching. I just started this book called The Origin of Satan, which basically calls into question that Satan ever existed as the New Testament portrays him, and suggests (AKA, leans heavily) that "Satan" is actually a metaphor demonizing the Jews during the wars in 60-70 CE, when the gospels were written. So far it's interesting, but I'm not convinced. This woman spins her language so heavily, it's like being smacked with the Bias-Stick. But it's important to examine all sides of the "faith debate" (haha, what a paradox!). I want to be educated. :)

Okay, I love you guys and I'll update soon!

-A.

Wow, February.

Already! That means I haven't exactly 2 months and 3 weeks left here!

I know, don't get too excited. :P

In other news, the Steelers are AWESOME. I admit, I got a little nervous in the end! But we pulled that shit out and reminded people who we are.

I'm supposed to meet with my teacher today for critique BUT I don't have anything. :D OH WELL. I'll just tell him I need a little more time and get cracking!

Hiked from Fiesole to Settignano on Saturday--the sun came out just for us, and it's been raining ever since. I wish I had more to report on!

I love you guys. Drea--I haven't heard from you in a while. Are you still reading?

Muah!

-A.

For realz this time.

Okay, classes have started, and I'm doing better overall.

1. Conservation of Archeological Objects. Seems really great! I'll be handling artifacts that are thousands of years old, but I can't really talk about it because the publishing rights belong to the State. My teachers, Renzo (almost eighty, who can't speak English, but has been a conservator for 40 years) and Nora (his young translator/conservator) are both very sweet and helpful, but obviously enthusiastic and seriosu about their work. Our first exercise was to put together nine smashed terra cotta planting pots. We did pretty well for the most part! Next week we're going to glue them together, then we get to work on the real thing! Eep!

2. Painting Conservation. Once again, I'll be working on real masterpieces, but the publishing rights aren't mine. My teachers are Maurizio (like Renzo, but about thirty years younger), and Roberta (translator and conservator herself, but twenty years older than Nora). Roberta is smiley and has a sense of humor about her subject, but she's clearly very precise--she likes things done right. I like her. :) Maurizio is very quiet, intense, but obviously a nice man. We watched him start to retouch two paintings today--there wasn't a lot to see for the time we were allotted, but he's VERY careful and uses TEENY brushstrokes.

3. Etching. I have to spend money on supplies, which I'm not crazy about, but Melissa had to spend 175 euro for photo supplies, so I can't really complain. My teacher, Melania, is really nice, and VERY Italian looking--full-figured, black curly hair, olive skin, and a LOT of makeup (dark eye shadow, full bloodred lips). I think the class will be pretty good for me--teach me more about process.

I find that all of the classes I've signed up for do a lot to exercise patience, which is something I'm really struggling with right now. When I couldn't get online last night to talk to my mom and you guys and Robin, I nearly had a meltdown. It was an overreaction (even though there's nothing wrong with being upset and disappointed), and I should know better. I just can't control myself these days, and I hate it! (You all know what a control freak I am!)

Anyway, I'm going to upload some pictures! :D Catch you all later.

Love,

A.


P.S. OKAY. I will DEFINITELY be on between 3 and 6. I love you guys and I hope to talk to you!

P.P.S. "If I could stay, I would. Loving you is the greatest thing I've ever done." Some LJ girl's LDBF said this to her on his last night visiting. :) How awesome.

OKAY, NEW PLAN.

I'll be online tonight between 9:30 and 12, which means 3:30 and 6 to you dear people. :) Come talk to me and let me tell you how much I miss you!

People I've hung out with so far:

-Morgan: Tall, blonde, and full-figured (AKA typical American bombshell to the Italian boys), she's very funny, and although she likes her party-time, she's no bimbo. She also happens to live right off Mt. Nebo Road!

-Christine and Emily: My roommates, who are Penn State girls, and kind of boring. Nice enough, though. Emily seems a little brighter, but Christine is more kind-hearted.

-David: ONLY THE SWEETEST GUY TO WALK THE EARTH! I don't think he knows how to be mean to people. He is thoughtful, considerate, kind, attentive, and interested in what everyone has to say. And you should see the way he talks about his girlfriend! (Of four years! Wow!) Shame he lives the farthest away in the US--all way way in upstate NY.

Just got out of the first half of my Conservation of Archeological Objects class. Pretty amazing so far. My teachers are an old Italian man who speaks ZERO Inglese, but has 40 years of experience, and a young Italian female translator/conservator. It seems like it's going to be an amazing class. We got to check out some 1500 year old artifacts from some Etruscan tombs (not touching yet, of course), and we started our study by putting together broken terra cotta pots, like plant pots, to practice for the real thing, which will be WAY more difficult. But it's been surprisingly fun! (If a little frustrating at times!)

The Giardini Boboli were stunning--I'll be putting up photos on Facebook tonight!

Talk to you tonight, I hope!

Love,

A.

Would you feel better, better, better; would you feel anything at all?

Okay, I'm feeling much better. I'm still not at 100%, but I've barely cried today! :P

But serioualy.

I went to the Marcato Centrale today to buy some food, and in the evening, my roommates and I met this random guy in his forties who said he was a private detective. I think actually has ties to the mafia. :/ He gave us some good tips about where to eat, though!

And he said Mel and I have "smart eyes". :D

Mel has been my rock. She is a patient, warm, wonderful Christian who I am BLESSED to have here with me. I came to a serious revelation last night (that I'll let you in on soon enough), and she was so great to me, and so comforting, even as I was sobbing my eyes out.

I feel bad for not having more to say, but I (foolishly) saved this update for the end of the night,and it's almost one AM and I'm sleepy! My friends and I are going to the Piazza di Michaelangelo and the Boboli Gardens tomorrow, so I'll hopefully have some pictures for you soon!

I love you guys. Very much, and I miss you!

:*

-A.

The Ounce of Relief.

My luggage arrived sometime in the last two hours. THANK THE LORD.

I really appreciate all your support! I've been pretty much freaking out for the last thirty hours or so, and the words of encouragement mean everything. I love you guys!

I'm SUPPOSED to go on this mandatory tour of the monuments at 3 this afternoon, but I'm so tired (I barely slept last night) that I'd rather just sit at home and unpack and relax for a little while. It's not like they're taking roll on the tour or anything. My personal wellbeing is more important to me at this point then the monuments I will undoubtedly see over my FOUR MONTHS in the city.

I'm still feeling overwhelmed, but I'm THRILLED that my luggage is here, which I'm sure will make a marked difference day-to-day.

There's a bookstore open 'til midnight around here, with free wireless, which will lend itself better to the Eastern Time Zone! Emily, I'd love to talk Sunday. Would morning or evening be better?

Alright, I should take my luggage home and unpack. I love you guys dearly, and I really miss you. I can't wait until March so I can see some of you! (Or at least Em--Drea, any news on a trip?)

Muah!

-A.

Wooooooooo!

My visa arrived! Hooray!

Whew. Thank God.

Also, I'm home! I'm sure that you've heard. :)

And I have quite a bit of Christmas shopping to do today, so I'll update soon! :D

Love,
A


8:27 pm:

Okay! I shopped with Emily and Bessala today and it was lovely! Took care of Lauren's, KJ's, and Sam's (Dad's stepdaughter) gifts:

Lauren: The Dark Knight and Now and Then DVDs.
KJ: Drum sticks for his new DRUM SET that he will shit his pants for but my mom and sister will go nuts from.
Sam: Two GG-licious headbands and some cute bow clips.
Mom: Lauren and I went in on a facial/massage.
Dad: Us kids are going in on a digital camera.
Robin: Ah-ah-ah! He actually reads this thing. :P ;)
You four!: Ditto, but you'll like them, I hope!

So far, Lisa (Dad's wife) is not yet taken care of. :/ Ooops. But hopefully Starbucks will be open and I can get her a card to go with Lauren's Penguin Bookshop card for her.

Because I didn't update yesterday, let me recap! Emily and I were invited to brunch by Robin at Sam and Jessie's with a few other friends. It was awesome to see them so soon, and I was thrilled to be able to introduce Em to Robin and the others. The food was also DELICIOUS.

Apparently, one of the other guests, Zander (who I met this summer and who Em went to SA with), asked Robin what's up with us, and I admit, I suspected that Zander was sniffing around me already, since he and his girlfriend just broke up, and he's been texting me, etc. But basically, I think he was disappointed to see that I wasn't single. Although, Zander isn't really the guy for me, although he is cute and nice and well-dressed and all that. :)

For Ab-Fab:

Robin and his brother intended to interview Andrew WK on CMU radio, and he called in and everything, but he was acting really weird and the calls got dropped a few times, and while I don't know how the interview ended, I think it was a disappointment for Robin and Alex. Sorry guys! :( But either way, I'm sure you'd want to know, Ab. Hope Ohio was fun! :D

Also, my grandparents, who are generously footing the bill for me this year so I can go to Italy, called me tonight with some abrupt news that they want to take out and co-sign a loan with me for the next semester instead of paying up front like they did this semester. If that's what they want to do, then I guess that's that, but the fact taht they bring it up literally TWO WEEKS from my departure date and IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CHRISTMAS RUSH was giving me a heart attack a little worrisome. Okay, we'll see how it pans out.

Okay, time to finish up some gifts!

Love!
A

How could I forget?!

This morning, I totally forgot to tell you guys how awesome my MICA friends are!

Last night, Paul, Marla and Robin came over, and me, my roomies and the others ate some Chinese food to celebrate the end of the semester. I worked from 9-12, amd Robin visited and then walked me back to my apartment, where I found the door locked. That was normal, so I turned my key and tried again. The bolt was done. Again, not too weird, but it was awfully early to be locking up for the night. So, I unlocked that and tried again. The CHAIN lock is done, too! So, then I figure there's something up inside that is not meant for me to see yet.

Me: "Did you know about this?"
Robin: *grin* "Know about what?"

So, Paul comes to the door and says "If I let you in, will you go STRAIGHT to your room?" So, of course, I do. Robin comes in after a few minutes and faces away from my window with me (my window looks straight into the kitchen):

Me: "How long have you guys been planning this?"
Robin: "I have no idea what you're talking about." *grin*

Finally, Betsy knocks on my door, and I turn around to see Paul, Betsy, and Jen ushering in a MASSIVE cake shaped like an alligator's head, covered in green M&Ms with a little sign saying "Cya Later Gator!" and "In a while, Crocodile!" Apparently, they all went to the supermarket as soon as I left for my shift. :) (Minus Marla, who went to a yuppie party in Federal Hill with her fellow fashion designer.) Aww, they're so sweet! So, we all changed into red-and-green (Italian colors, you know) and watched Pineapple Express (or slept though it :P), and Ryan showed up during the movie, which was nice.

___

Robin just called me to tell me he'll miss me.

:)

I'm really going to miss him, too. Not just the kissing part, obviously, but he's really grown to be my best friend this past semester. I don't really talk to anyone the way I talk to him (mostly because he's the first close guy friend I've ever really had). I think we're both like "Who are we going to confide in now?!", because while I love Melissa dearly, I can't talk to her about things with Robin, because she's even more pristine than me. And I she doesn't know the history of my roommates, or my friends at home. I won't have any more Robin to come around or to go to whenever I want to see him, and that's sad. It's like moving away from The Boy Next Door that I grew up with and shared everything with.

:(

Aw, now I'm sad.

Either way, my friends and roommates showed me how loved I am, and how much I'll be missed, and I'm SO grateful for them and their love.

But, I admit, I can't wait to get back to all of you. I've missed you guys, and I feel like we've been deprived of each other since Summer '07.

I love you all, and I'll be nearly home by this time tomorrow! :D

Muah!

-A

P.S. www.betsyvanlangen.com

>>Portfolio
>>Interrobang
>>I'm the third one in: white face with black text. :) Betsy is the first one, with the paint. Jen is covered in eggshells, Ryan in crayon wax, and Robin is PB and J.