Letta's here!

And everything is going swimmingly. I will posit again that I am a genius. :D

I've given Ben and Letta a great deal of space in the past day, as I've been working and they've gone on smoke breaks. My patience has been exercised pretty damn well, I must say! But naturally, I'm still me, and by the end of Ben's visit this afternoon, I went from sitting by the living room window, watching them smoke to sprinting across the hall to my neighbors place in order to get access to a window looking out over the parking lot and Ben's car. (And, in talking to that neighbor, I missed the kiss! I'm ashamed at my spy skills. :P) I'd like to thank Zoe-Zoe for not thinking I'm a crazy creepo stalker.

It's so good to have her here, and I'm just enjoying her company, even while I'm posting and she's playing video games (something I simply cannot get into, no matter what). We can work independently, together, and it's a lovely feeling. :)

I had a great talk this morning with Robin, who called me from the Adirondacks to ask about the visit and to talk about his doings at the lodge where he's visiting. Now, Robin and I have been best friends the whole time, but something about this particular conversation clicked that last missing piece into place, and it's nice to feel perfectly at ease and warm and comfy and excited about being friends with him again. :D

Betsy called too, and makes me miss her all the more! Although Jen and I are doing well at bonding, considering our newly shared active dating lifestyles. (AKA, I've been a ho lately.)

In other news, I am shamelessly addicted to Twitter. Just, get it and tweet with me. I get the updates ON MY CELL. Seriously. Do it.

Chris, my work friend/date situation, has been basically ignoring me since our awkward Braveheart interaction. And when he isn't ignoring me, he's glad-handing me. Being WAY too nice, but detached. Honestly, I'm totally cool with things being done, he just needs to man up and tell me the deal. Especially now that Raul did his part and accidentally spilled the beans about a July 4th BBQ that Chris is currently planning that I am not invited to. Ooooops. :) But, Raul took the liberty of inviting me ("Everyone's welcome!"), and who knows? Maybe I'll show up looking hot. :P

As for Nick, he sent me a few drunken texts last night, and if you have a sharp eye (read: if they post it), you may see one on Texts from Last Night. Just saying. He texted me this morning, too, but I think I offended him unintentionally. :/ Well, if implying that drinking alone every night isn't healthy is wrong, well--well, it isn't wrong. I am right.

:)

Love you all,

-A.

I'm not even keeping score anymore.

On Saturday, Ben came and picked me up from work (that day, a woman took a photo of me with her iPhone in order to trick her friends into thinking she saw Anne Hathaway at Hard Rock, haha!), and we got dinner and rode in the paddle boats on the dirty, dirty harbor and did dramatic readings from internet chatrooms via his BlackBerry. You'd think we were nerds. :P

When we got back to the apartment, Jen informed me that she'd been invited to a party by her TA, Jon, and didn't want to go alone. Ben offered our company and his car, as the party house was in Hampden. After a lot of indecisiveness and changing in and out of pajamas, the three of us got in the car and got lost on our way to the party. :D We did make it, though, and I was surprised to find that it was a block party--there were a bunch of drunk Hampdeners sitting in folding chairs drinking and eating barbecue in the alleyway. I attempted to hula-hoop--one of the 40-year-old Hampden women, Tina, was kicking my ass and trying to teach me. She was very drunk but very encouraging. :)

After spending a little time in the alley, the three of us went into Jon's friend's house for some gumbo that had gone cold and fruit salad. After eating, I just wanted to explore the house a bit--the owner is a MICA alumnus, so it was very artsy, and ended up walking in on the alumnus-in-question rolling a joint in his living room. WHOOPS. But I forced my jaw closed and my eyebrows down and was chill about it, even though I wanted to elbow Ben in the face for taking the joint when they passed it around. (Love you, doll! :P)

While they were smoking, I started chatting with a guy in a blue plaid shirt with pretty olive eyes about living in Italy. Nick, the olive-eyed boy, is 24 and has an intensely handsome face, and was so soft-spoken and interested about my visit. (That, and he didn't take the joint. Bonus points.) It was a short chat, but we kept glancing at each other until I left to try hula-hooping again. I did manage to impress everyone with being able to "skip" the hoop. Woo! After a little while, Nick came out and was watching me and Ben try to hula-hoop with Tina guiding us nearby. When we finally stopped, Nick, who was obviously a bit drunker than when we first talked, chatted with me a little more before leaning in and adorably half-whispering: "I think you're super-cute", and confessing that he could only talk to be because he had a few beers in him.

I was charmed, and he asked me out to dinner, so we exchanged numbers and parted ways for a little while. Jen, Jon, Jon's friend Eli, Ben, and I made the plan to go a couple blocks to Rocket to Venus, a cute little bar/restaurant, so I told Nick we were heading out, and I invited him to join us if he liked. So, we went ahead--when I left the party, Tina slurred that we had to make a date to hula-hoop more and that I was so pretty. :D--and I texted him the name of the place, and he met us. I was actually surprised they let me in at all, as I was the only one under 21, but I guess they just let it slide and pretended my vertical PA ID was valid. :P Nick bought me a beer and we flirted a bit and he told me how cute/beautiful I was about fifty-trillion times and wouldn't stop starting at me. :) However, at this point I'm putting together that he is an agnostic socialist Ravens fan to my conservative Christian Steelers fan, but I let it go because we just met and I barely know him and besides, we hadn't even kissed yet!

We all walk back to Jon's house (different from the party house) and Nick and I sort of lag behind and he kisses me and holy EFF is he a good kisser, and we get to Jon's place and just chill out on the lawn while everyone else goes inside, and we talk and kiss a little more and he tells me about his visits to Ireland and Italy, and I break the news that I won't be having sex with him (which he takes very well). :P We finally go inside and the others are watching The Dark Knight. I sit on the stairs and he sits on the arm of the chair opposite me and touches me knee then gives me the 'Upstairs?' eye movement, which I immediately rebuff. After a few minutes he sits next to me on the stairs and nuzzles me, then lifts his lips to my ear and--

"I want to get married."

I smile, puzzled. "What? In general, or to me?"

He just looks at me. I try not to frown. "You're joking. Ha ha."

"Why not?"

I laugh quietly again and lower my voice. "What do you mean 'why not'? We don't even know each other. You just met me."

"You are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. Let's get married. I'm serious. Tomorrow." His voice has that muzzly quality that someone who is drunk and sincere has.

Me---> 8/ "No. That's not a possibility."

But he wouldn't back down. He wasn't forceful at all, but he was only concerned with doing something crazy and making an amazing story. After a few minutes, I excused us to go outside and talk this through without a potential audience.

We talked for about an hour, I guess, in circles mostly--I concentrated on why it's a crazy and dumb idea, and he concentrated on painting a picture of a life where we'd visit Europe every year (he loves to travel), and he'd take his photos and I'd illustrate books, and we'd have two kids and he'd never root for the Steelers. He also confided to me that Tina told him to follow meand fall in love with me immediately after I left the party. Truthfully, he was that kind of endearing fateful type of romantic-comedy hero who is saying something completely insane, but with the air of finally seeing things clearly at the climax of the film.

And this is why, instead of running in the other direction as about 60% of you told me to do, I agreed to still go out to dinner with him. I KNOW, I KNOW. (I can hear Lauren's "YOU'RE RETARDED" from here.)

I also went to Chris' place last night and watched half of Braveheart. I'm not sure what to make of Chris and I--he was all into it at first, but now I'm sensing this hesitance. Also, he paid more attention to his dog than to me, which I cannot abide. I don't know yet, though--Chris is just awful at expressing his feelings verbally, as far as I can tell.

And, Ben makes a Brian-esque observation about me:

Ben: You should be a spy.

Me: Haha. Why should I be a spy?

Ben: Persistent. Hunger for knowledge. Spying is like gossip. Except, instead of 'Who slept with who', it's 'Who has nukes'.

And some more "Why I Love Brian", Parts Twelve and Thirteen:

Brian: Caleb, Matt and I are reaching new levels of gay. We're going to tan before we go to Vegas.

Brian: Time to work some Mystery Method at the Edge tonight.

(shortly thereafter)

Brian: Nothin'. No girls at all. It's a 'dick farm' as Caleb put it.

Sidenote: Letta is arriving on Wednesday night, late. I am working hard to fix her and Ben up and it is working AWESOMELY. BECAUSE I AM AWESOME AND SO ARE THEY. YES. They are freakishly perfect for one another, and I am excited for both of them. :)

Another congratulations to my awesome sister, who was accepted and is attending Ohio University this fall. :D I'm so proud of her!

I love my friends, and as crazy as it is, I love my life.

-A.

Up-Date.

I'm sure the suspense has been building. :P (Does anyone even read this still?)

My date was very, very good.

He picked me up 5:15 sharp, as he said he would, and complimented my outfit as any girl would expect (and I did look pretty cute :P) and we drove out to Fells Point (bonus points to him, as Weezer was playing in the car when I got in). The conversation never lagged, and he was just as active in asking me about my family and likes and dislikes and complimenting me about my ability to tell a story well. We got to the restaurant and were talking so easily and so much that we had to send the waitress back twice before we had our orders ready!

The dinner conversation was...unorthodox. He brought up his ex (holy shit, 5 year relationship--apparently she dumped him in August) asked me about mine, and we traded stories. This is usually a sort of taboo, but, being me (AKA ravenous for information) and finding his honesty charming, I was okay with it. He also pointed out, to my delight, that his first kiss was when he was a senior in high school (he went to an all-boys school, so, not much opportunity) and he described himself as a 'slow-mover'. And, what else would a date be without an in-depth discussion of our religious viewpoints! :P

Mark is Catholic, born and bred, and it shows. But, unlike a lot of Catholics, he understands that it's not just attending every Sabbath and Holy Day or doing CCD or washing your hands this many times before you eat, it's about your faith. He started to make some complaint, and I got a little nervous, but he only meant to observe that his experience in the Catholic Church was lacking as far as NOT GOING DEEPLY ENOUGH. He wants to investigate MORE. It was so cool. He really seemed to get what I was saying, and could joke with me as well as answer honestly. We had a few good discussions (NOT debates at all), and he was quick to validate my viewpoints that maybe he hadn't considered before.

So, after dinner. we walked around Fells Point as it started to drizzle, and we talked a bit about how out-of-the-blue his invitation was. I kind of busted him on noticing my booby-corset-profile photo that is currently on Facebook, and I guessed that was one of the reasons he chose me. He conceded to that fact cutely and was a great sport ("It caught my eye...you are very attractive."). And he earned major points by saying that even though the photo was what drew him in, he noticed that I was a Christian (GOD ANSWER--typo and it stays :P), and that made the decision for him. He then offered a ride on the water taxi, but the rain looked like it was going to really come down, so he asked if I wanted to see a movie instead! I agreed, and we drove back to my place to check the times.

I showed him Betsy's website, and he was impressed (as well as complimentary, which made Betsy fall in love without even meeting him), and we headed out to catch the 9:20 showing of Angels and Demons. We showed up WAYYYY early and caught the end of Night at the Museum 2 (eh, looked okay) and then killed some more time at Barnes and Noble until our movie started. The movie was actually a lot of fun, in that hit-you-over-the-head-with-mystery kind of way. Ewan MacGregor is a foxy priest (bad, Alyssa, bad!), and there were some gasp-worthy moments. :)

However, down side, the theater was FREEZING. I had worn a dress to dinner, and thankfully had the presence of mind to change into jeans at my apartment, but my thin cardigan wasn't doing the job. I was shivering, and he noticed, so he ASKED if he could put his arm around me. :D Of course, I let him. (He also asked all night if it was okay that he was paying for me--apparently his ex hated when he did. WHAT.)

As we left the movie theater, he rested his arm around my shoulder to guide me though the door, and I sort of grazed his waist to show that I noticed. :P I went to put my arm through his, and he straightened his arm, obviously expecting me to hold his hand, and there was about .8 seconds or "Wait, what?", but I did it his way and slipped my hand into his. It had started to rain, making my chill all the worse! But I was having too nice of a time to let it get to me. We got back to my place around midnight (7 hour date!) and he walked me to my door...

And hugged me.

He cited our 'slow-mover' dispositions (more his than mine, I'll admit, but its good for me) and we made plans to watch tonight Penguins' game together. :) I admit, a kiss wouldn't have gone amiss, BUT, waiting for the right moment is even better--besides, I think I've been a little bit of a kissing-slut (as my mom would call it) lately, and slowing things down may be just what I need.

So, he'll be over tonight to watch the game, and probably make fun of me for my, um, enthusiasm, let's say. :P It should be good. :) I spent part of this morning tidying up the bathroom and kitchen for when he arrives, although I still have a ton to do. :/ But it's worth it!

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, and it's working, for the most part (first time ever. :P). Wish me luck!

(And GOOOOO PENS!)

Love!

-A.

AHHHH, relief!

On the relationship front, anyway.

Things with Ben couldn't have gone better! Well, okay, that's simplifying it a little.

I took the MARC to DC on Friday, and after a few stops on the Metro, greeted Ben in Virginia. That evening was great--I met a couple of his friends and we hit it off just fine! We hung out at a hookah bar and just talked and watched Ben's friend Tyler whip him at backgammon five times :P

The NEXT day however, was weird and awkward and it was so, so painfully clear how much we DO NOT gel as a couple. So, we went to breakfast and had an awkward walk and argued a lot about God, as we do. It's just so tense, and he's bad at letting things just go without making them into a ten minute dissertation about why he's right. Despite all of this, he is a good guy, and I am really excited about staying friends with him.

So, we are FINALLY making our way back to Baltimore--after about twenty minutes of relative silence, he reaches over and takes my hand, and I just come out and say it: "Look, I think us dating would just be all wrong. We're so not right for each other."

Now, I get a little nervous here, because, as I wrote before, I'm expecting him to be hurt, but then again, our morning was PRETTY BAD. But he surprised me: "I was trying to figure out how to say the same thing, gently." My insides were singing hallelujah, I'll tell you that!

After that, we were totally fine! It was just, so NICE to be able to be normal and friendly and funny, but still talk semi-awkwardly-but-mostly-funnily about our "romance", AKA "makeouts" and why we would never have worked out (so, SO many things!).

At my suggestion, we had a cookout for Robin last night, as he left today for Pittsburgh. It was a lot of fun, and I have to say, there is never a time I feel more comfortable and joyful than when I am in a roomful of relaxed, fun people that I love. :)

Ben bonded with Colin and Robin over Rock Band last night, which we played from 11 PM-2 AM (I sang--doy), and he stayed over in my bed (no funny business, just cuddling, I promise! :P It just felt good to be near someone). We got breakfast at XS this morning and just enjoyed our time together for a few hours before he had to go. No kiss--just a big hug and a promise to keep in touch. It went so well I was beaming!

Starting from square one is never fun, but better this outcome than anything more dramatic.

Speaking of square one, I said goodbye to Robin before Ben and I went out for breakfast. It wasn't hard, exactly, but I've barely gotten to see him, and I miss him. I don't want our progress interrupted! Last night things seemed like they were going back to normal, which made me feel so, so great! But, naturally, I'm the first person to say that they'll never be the same, and I still get this weird let's-call-it-protectiveness-instead-of-jealousy about him. But it'll pass after a while, I'm sure. :)

It's so funny how open and honest this blog sounds, when there is still so, so much I could say about this, and have said to a few of you, and to a black diary.

Ben surpassed my expectations this afternoon and texted me about seeing a baseball game next week. Not even a whole day and he's keeping the promise to stay friends! Actively! I am so, so pleased. :D

I have more to worry about--school stuff, money, jobs, etc. But I know I have good friends and a good head on my shoulders, and even when things get me panicky, I know I have a good God who gave me both, and I am so thankful. :)

Hope you're all doing well!

Love you--

-A.

So many things go on in my life--

Thankfully, they are mostly awesome things.

I am back in Baltimore, which has been great--the drive down with Lauren was largely unproblematic, Robin and I are more than fine, Betsy and Jen are both great (still bickering), and Lee, the girl who I sublet to, is pretty absent from the apartment usually. BUT, in an awesome turn of events, I came at the perfect time--she is paying two rents, and with the advent of my return, she is going to move out of my room earlier than expected! Pretty good timing.

Ben came to see me yesterday, which was also lovely. He brought me roses--two red, two yellow--and opened the car door for me and all of that gentlemanly awesomeness. We had a good day--low-key but fun--and in the evening, we got to talking. Debating, in one, about our opposing religious viewpoints. And then, discussing the possibility of a relationship.

At first, I was sort of relieved--it seemed like we were on the same page: we liked the other, enjoyed the other's company, but in the end, we aren't really what the other is looking for, mostly based on sex, politics, and religion. Sure, fine. But all of a sudden, there was this wacky deal where I figure out that he likes me a WHOLE lot more than I though he did, and that it's really hard (read: impossible) for him to just be friends with girls he likes from the outset.

This upset me more than the revelation that we aren't actually right for each other romantically. I wasn't hurt, but sort of sad. For some reason, I got this fire in me--it became essential to cultivate a lasting friendship with Ben. It is essential. Hm.

Anyway, we had that talk, and I told him I was still going to make an effort to remain friends, and he said he'd try. But, sure enough, when all of us (Jen, Betsy, Robin, Colin, Ben2, My Ben, and I) went to see Star Trek (pretty fun, I gotta say), he got all affectionate and hand-holdy again. Since the midst of a blockbuster is not the best place to talk it out, so I waited until I was walking him out to the car as he was leaving last night. When I asked what the deal was, he did what I wanted Robin to do back in February--he said 'I'm going to ignore the differences/odds against us for now."

I was surprised, and pleased, but not because I have any urgent feelings about being with Ben. In fact, as I'd said before, I was sort of relieved that we'd agreed to just try friendship. It was just nice to feel like I'm important to someone--especially someone who doesn't know me that well. But I don't want to hang this relationship on my own feelings of self-worth--that would be stupid and, doy, selfish. He deserves better than that.

He told me it was my call. Because of the above paragraph, I didn't say no. Not right away. I told him yes for now, but I still had to think about it. But, as I do, I knew as soon as I turned and watched him drive out that I should've drawn the line. He invited me to stay at his place on Friday--that probably won't happen, but again, I do want to stay in touch.

Whew. Also, darn. It was like a taste of an attentive boyfriend who is making an effort to honor me, and I've wanted that for a while.

I still haven't seen Marla--hopefully today.

School stuff is sneaking up on me a little, which is stressful, but I can take it. Now to get a job! Wheee!

Wish me luck--

-A.

P.S. Go Pens! Game 7! Bottle the Caps! :D

I Kept My Promise to Myself!

I didn't make out with Dan.

Yesterday was so, so awesome. And not just because of the party Dan took me to--I spent the morning with my mom, just chatting with our hairdresser while Mom got highlights put in and we had a leisurely lunch with Robert. The sun was out all day, and I got to take a long walk with Brian (who complained about the heat the whole time, like a weenie :P).

Dad's even went well! Lauren, KJ, and I were all there, as well as Sam (Dad's wife's daughter), and we had a good dinner and dessert and worked together to answer silly Jeopardy questions. It was a lot of fun!

We left Dad's at 7:30, earlier than expected, but I still took the whole hour before Dan arrived to change most od my outfit, take forever to do my hair and makeup (Headband or carefully hidden bobby pin? Flats or heels? Red lipstick?). I just finished my lipstick when Dan arrived at 8:30, and we headed out to his friend Shannon's birthday party, which was in Oakland.

We stopped at his place on the way over, and he made me a drink--a Floradora cooler, I think? Two shots of gin in it, but I was fine. Then we made it to the party at abot 9:45, and I was told to try the sweet tea vodka. Holy shit. That stuff goes straight to your head, and, okay, get ready for it...

I was drunk for the first time.

I KNOW, I know. Try to contain your shock. BUT, once the sweet tea vodka got to be too much, I had some water and didn't get too far over my head.

But, the mild drunkness was less important than the boy I met--Ben. He got to the party about 40 minutes after Dan and I, and is slender and good-looking and immediately came over to the couch I was on, and sat between me and this other girl Desiree. We got to talking about his t-shirt and we ended up spending the whole night together. (He told me later that he was interested in Desiree at first!) We were just talking at first, then hanging out outside--he shared his cigarettes with me, then he got me a beer and we were absorbed into conversation about religion (because I ALWAYS end up in there conversations so randomly! Sheesh!). After another cigarette break, he had his arm around me, and was holding my hand.

Holy crap, the tension in the room by then--people knew I'd come with Dan, obviously. I was one of the few people that NO ONE knew. And they were now noticing that I was openly affectionate with someone else. To defend myself, because I know this seems lame--Dan never specified that I was his date, and honestly, he was probably counting on me as a sure makeout session and not much more. I mean, he likes me, but he has no intention of doing anything real.

Besides, this was something new and exciting. :)

So, Ben (Bennett, and not Benjamin, which is very, inexplicably sexy to me) was holding my hand and offering me his jacket by the end of the night while 3/4 of the party (minus a few guests, the birthday girl among them, who were passed out) walked to a pizza place at 3 AM. As we left the birthday girl's apartment, one guest, a particularly drunk girl, pronounced: "You are really, pretty, you know that? Like, REALLY PRETTY. You are SO pretty!"

Dan, Desiree, Ben, and I ended up driving back to Dan's place after pizza, and after a few awkward minutes in his sitting room, I announce that I have to go home, as it is 4 AM. and my mom would have a conniption if she were to wake up to my empty bed.

SO, Ben offers to drive me home, and we awkwardly exit together while Desiree moons at a disinterested Dan. Ben was a trooper, and made it from Oakland to Sewickley with no trouble, considering he isn't from the area. We got to my house around 4:40, and he left at 6:30.

Yep.

Ah, kissing, how I've missed you.

Anyway, he lives in Virginia (and drove 4 hours for the party, I know!) and is eager to visit me next week when I get back to Baltimore, yay!

I told Robin, but you know what, it wasn't weird! And guess what! I found a Craigslist Missed Connection addressed to HIM! Weird, weird, weird! But cool. :)

So...I guess we'll see how this progresses, hm?

DREA IS HOME! WOOOOOOO!!!!

The Pens tied the series! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you all!

-A.

Ugh, this patience thing is overrated.

No response from Craigslist mystery guy yet, unfortunately. Dammit.

However, I did get to have a short chat with Robin today, and I tell you, the more we talk, the more I think that we'll be A-OK, especially once we get back into each other's lives and have things to talk about again.

I asked Dad for some money to float June rent until I get a job and have something to build on. He was shockingly compliant, and he told me he would take it out of the money he set aside for me for this year--$2000, his tax return. I'm taking $500 for rent, and $100 for expenses for travel--Lauren is generously volunteering to drive me to Baltimore either Sunday or Monday. It's looking like Monday, as Lauren has a final Monday morning, and besides, Sunday is Mother's Day, after all.

I got a couple late texts from Joey V. and Dan--I get to see both of them before I go home, which is a very pleasant surprise, as Joey is wrapped in wedding plans for Rachaela (but thankfully, not so ensconced that he can't scheme with me), and Dan is harder to get ahold of then a greased pig. Ew.

A reminder about Dan, to myself--readers may skip this part if they wish--Alyssa, no matter how much you miss making out, DO NOT KISS DAN. Yes, he is tall and charming, but he is also very bad at commitment and at being straightforward about anything. Don't fall into the default makeout mode! You are better!

Okay, cool.

Also, I like playing detective. I am lame. WHATEVER. Brian is kind enough to indulge me (as he has a similar fantasy, I can't say it's a selfless indulgence, but OH WELL. WE ROCK).

Anyone who saw Gossip Girl last night (which I watched with Bess, because she is AWESOME--Em, where did you get sich a cool sister? :P), OKAY. CAN CHUCK BE REAL AND MINE NOW?

Ahem.

I'm feeling happy. It's nice. :)

I also like being able to update a lot, but I also feel lame that I have no readers. :P BE BETTER, GUYS.

No, I love you.

More soon--

-A.

Happy Valentine's Day!

[The nurse] doesn't know that I'm strangely euphoric, sitting here thinking about how lucky I am to have so much to lose — my rock, my mystery, the love of my life — that I'm sitting here thinking 'in sickness and in health'. 'I will,' I think. 'I do.' But all I can say is yes. "Yes. That's my husband." (From this article.)

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! Can I start by saying Robin is cute and he designed me an adorable, thoughtful Valentine. :)

I'm actually having a fairly shit day. The Godspell production was canceled, and I didn't find out until I got to the church and heard about the canceled audition, then the canceled show entirely. They're moving it to September.

I'm really, really, incredibly disappointed. I was looking so forward to this, and it was so perfectly timed. Now I'm not sure why I heard about it in the first place--as far as a Plan is concerned. To teach me about disappointment? (I think I know all about that one, thanks.) Something bigger and better coming down the line (which I can hope for, but I can't know)?

I don't know if I ever indicated this to any of you, but you know how most people, when something bad happens, try to reward themselves? Buy Ben and Jerry's, go out, stay in and do something fun? I'm the opposite of that. When something good happens, I reward myself, but when something bad happens, I tend to want to punish myself, even if it wasn't my fault. And I don't mean self-harm or anything like that, I just mean I want to let myself wallow. I deny myself anything that might make me feel better--it's perfect timing that my roommates aren't here to try and cheer me up.

Maybe I'll try and break that bad habit and buy myself some shoes. And gelato. And stay in and work on art for the night.

Are you guys doing anything special? Going out? Staying in?

I love you all--you're all my Valentines! :D

-A.

For those of you who were wondering why I changed the URL...

Marla knows. The secret somehow got to a friend of Marla's--a MICA girl--via my blog. This is a mystery I don't quite understand, because the girl would've had to get it from our mutual work computer at MICA, and it's been two weeks since we left MD, meaning this girl either A) magically acquired the URL on her own on Thursday or B) has been reading it for awhile since Fall semester and decided to wait it out instead of tell Marla right away. Either way: shady. Marla is in NYC with this girl right now, and she told Marla on Thursday.

So, she's furious, naturally. Hurt, upset, and insulted.

I am deeply sorry that I hurt her, of course. That was the LAST thing we wanted, obviously, because we kept it on the DL. I get the feeling that Marla thinks we were laughing at her behind her back somehow--like, "Oh, look how dumb she is, haha", which was NOT the case, as you all know. Our only concern was about her feelings, because we knew that, for some reason, she was very not okay with the idea of us getting together in ANY way. Robin said she was almost more mad that it was me he got together with than the fact that we lied. (ETA: Upon their second conversation, Robin says that she seemed more upset about the lying, which is a relief, in the sense that she's being rational and not just passionate.)

I'm conflicted. I mean, of course I'm horrified that I hurt her. I never intended it to go this way, and we probably shouldn't have lied. That was where we were wrong--the lying.

But truthfully, after Marla was the one who initiated the break-up talk, and now that's it's been over 6 months and she's been dating other people--well, it's not her place to tell us whether or not we can see each other, and it's not her place to be mad that we got together. It's not like I helped Robin cheat, it's not like he dumped her for me, and it's not like this was a weird rebound thing a week after they broke up. But of course, I can't say this.

Yes, I knew Marla would be mad. She'd made me aware of how she would feel if it were to happen. Maybe I should have been more loyal, I don't know. But what I do know is that I don't regret a second of the time I spent with Robin. This drama may be undesirable, but it is worth it ten times over. I care about him a lot, and I don't think either of us are sorry for the closeness we've shared.

Of course, Marla would punch us in the soul if she heard that, so we're downplaying it to "we just kissed from time-to-time" status. Maybe we should just come out and say it, but at this point, we're salvaging the friendship as best we can.

So, disloyal friend and dirty mistress I remain until further notice. :P

Love,

-A.

P.S. I'll try and update about New Year's in the next day or so. :)

Yay, new friends!

Last night, Robin got home from Buffalo and picked me up to hang out with Sam and Jessie and another high school friend Casey. I have to say, I really love his friends. They're just so fun to get to know, and they've welcomed me so readily into their little circle. In fact, we figured out some New Year's plans, and we basically had to invite Marla, which is fine, but it boils down to Robin's friends keeping their mouths shut, and Robin and I not kissing at midnight.

So, we passed this along to Casey and Sam while we were eating at the O, and then we got into our separate cars to meet at Jessie's. We arrived after Sam and Casey, and later found out that as soon as they arrived at Jessie's house, they all formulated a plan to distract Marla at midnight! So cute. :P

Anyway, those of you who do NOT have New Year's plans yet and will still be in the country should come expand our group! You're absolutely invited, and you get to meet some cool kids. :D

Not much else to update--just wanted to touch base. LIKE YOU ALL SHOULD DO ONCE IN A WHILE. HINT, HINT.

(10 days!)

Love,

A

My birthday festivities.

I had a shift on the 15th from 9pm-12am, so I turned 20 while sitting at the Commons desk. I ACTUALLY turned 20 at 4:59pm, while I was in Robin's bed.

I woke up at about 10, and just laid there until my dad called at 10:30, then got up and got myself to CLEANING. Our apartment was pretty gross (piles of dishes, clutter, dust, hair), and even though it was my birthday, I was happy to get all the crap out for 1) my party and 2) the girl I may sublet to who is coming to see the apartment tomorrow evening. It's now a trillion times more beautiful, thanks to MOI. :)

Unfortunately, Jen had to take the opportunity to be a complete ASS and talk to her ex-boyfriend on the phone and get into yet ANOTHER fight and cry all over Betsy for twenty minutes while I forced myself not to go in and yell at her. I SWEAR. Jen--Dylan always warns you that he's going to treat you badly. Boys always warn us. Yes, it sucks that he treats you like that, but you choose to engage in it time and time again, so it's your fault. I'm unafraid to say that you getting hurt by Dylan is your fault. If you had just broken it off in the first place instead of fucking him when he visited over fall break, you wouldn't be in this mess. And yet she STILL intends to take him home for Thanksgiving and pretend they're still together. LAME.

ANYWAY, I vented about it to Betsy for an hour or so while Jen ran out to get brunch, and then at about 2:30, Robin called me to tell me that his bus got in 45 minutes earlier than expected--a lovely birthday surprise. He had been in New York to see Andrew WK perform with a string quartet. So, Betsy and I picked him up, and I hung out at Robin's while Betsy and Jen started the cake.

I made it home around 5:30, then helped a mopey Jen dress (she looked all gorgeous :D), then Betsy (who has the most bomb-ass [to borrow a Lauren Term] gold Dolce high-heeled oxfords I've ever seen), then, at about 6:30, I started curling my hair. I was ready by seven, and Robin showed up around 7:20, then Erin and Melissa a few minutes after then. But, of course, my birthday seems to end up being the day people have the least respect for showing up to places on time, so Marla, Paul, and Tiff didn't get there until 8:30. And THEY had the menus! Grrr. So, we ordered our food (only five of us ended up eating out of the group of eleven), and started cake while we were waiting (Hot!Ryan [looking HOT] and Colin joined us for that). The cake was SO rich and tasty. :)

Our food showed up, and we laughed A LOT, about art kids, mostly. :) It was an incredibly pleasant evening, and I have leftovers to look forward to when I get home. :D

I'll try and have some pictures of my HAWT outfit and my AWESOME shoes by this afternoon. :) Thanks for the birthday wishes, you guys! Love you!

-Alyssa

I mentioned this to some of you.

I found my first kiss.

At least, the boy who administered it.

You should all have heard about my first kiss--age fourteen, acting camp in Chautauqua, NY, cute boy named Nick.

I tried searching him on Facebook forever, but I could never tell who was who.

SO, I finally decided to go out on a limb and post a "Missed Connections" ad on Craigslist. I got two responses with his e-mail address attached, and one guy posted his Facebook link. So, I sent a message to make sure it was him, and...

TA-DA! Found him! He looks almost exactly the same, which is great. His messages are witty, but there have only been three of them, so. But HE added ME as a friend, which is a good sign. He has a girlfriend, but of course, I'm not looking to get involved with him. :) It's just find of nice to reconnect with that part of my past. I LOVE NETWORKING SITES AND HELPFUL ONLINE STRANGERS. :D

ANYWAY, I'm supposed to be drawing an 1830's parlor right now. Muah.

-Alyssa

I can write this because only seven people read this, and you should all know this by now if you read Em's blog.

Thisisawesomethisisawesomethisisawesome.

I missed kissing SO much.

SRSLY. This is so, so great.

I don't mean to rub it in for anyone who is not kissing--that's the last thing i want to do.

(But I really love this.)

:)

Sending some extra kisses your way,

Alyssa

:)

Yeah, things are going pretty well.

Although I'm getting a LITTLE behind on work, but I'll be fine.

I'm getting all geared up for SACI, which is both scary and intensely exciting. Although, I fully realized yesterday how much I'm going to miss MICA, or more accurately, my closest friends here.

Speaking of, Marla got a puppy! She named him 'Howard', but we re-Christened him "Booster Gold' after we realized that no one wants to say the name 'Howard' multiple times a day. :)

Okay, lunch break is over--back to Ceramics!

I have a photoshoot with Betsy today--the concept is my faith--I'll get a hold of some photos and post them. Muah!

-Alyssa

P.S. Four days 'til my 20th!