ENGAGED WOOOOO!!!!!

As most of you already know, John and I got engaged this past weekend at the end of my week-long visit. It was wonderful and awesome, and I will describe the whole experience, but I'm in the process of creating an engagement/wedding blog now, apart from my personal one. I'll still update this one, but I'll be using the wedding one for wedding details/inspiration/musing. Once I get it up and running, my first post will be all about the engagement, and I'll link you right over.

ETA: Here you go! Up and running!

But, I CAN describe the trip in the meantime. Mom and I headed out to Maryland with Robert and KJ on May 28th so I could complete my move, pay my landlord (yay!), and meet up with John. John drove down from New Jersey to help me move out, and to attend my godmother's daughter Mary's graduation from the Naval Academy.

Here's us, with Mary in her dress whites, now an Ensign! The graduation was long (we had to be in the DOOR by 9 after standing outside in line for more than a half-hour), but the weather was PERFECT (although John and I got a teensy bit sunburned). Mary's party was afterwards, and I got to meet her handsome boyfriend Van Gordon (just a nickname--he goes by Gordon).

John and I headed up to Gambrills to his aunt and uncle's place after the party and spent the night there--Richie and Mandee surprised us by coming by the next day. I've written about them: Richie is John's cousin who also attends the Naval Academy, and Mandee is his gorgeous fiancée. They're a year younger than we are, and got engaged in July of 2009, but that's only because they wanted to make sure all of the midshipmen could attend the wedding before getting shipped out to their assignments a month after graduation. And since you can't get married while you're enrolled in the Naval Academy, they scheduled the wedding for one week after Richie's graduation. Intense!

So we visited briefly with them and got on the road to New Jersey, where we spent the night at John's best friend Dave's and met a few of his friends. we went out to the beach for about twenty minutes that night--it was gorgeous, even if it was chilly. Looking at the ocean in the dark is scary, but it's exciting. We went back to Cranford, John's hometown, the next day and then to John's OTHER aunt and uncle's place about an hour away for dinner and, the following day, a Memorial Day picnic. Lots of cute babies running around, throwing Cheerios at the Koi pond. :)

We met up with another one of John's close friends, Brian (or B. Ho, as I've tagged him here before) and drove to a pier on the seaside where we had an awesome lunch at a restaurant that I sadly can't remember the name of (they had this specialty butter made with garlic, oregano, dill, salt, and pepper, and maybe paprika? It was SO GOOD). We also introduced him to Wizard People, Dear Reader, which, if you're a Harry Potter fan and you haven't seen it, you should do that ASAP.

The rest of the week was basically spent hanging out and watching back Doctor Who episodes to get me caught up (we finished the whole first season) until Saturday, when set-up for John's grad party when into overdrive. The whole day was spent moving/cooking/assembling/rummaging through the garage to find every little thing necessary for the celebration, which came together without a hitch. Even better, I got to see a bunch of John's friends that I haven't seen in months, like Tracey and Marie (more on her in a moment), and John even surprised me with the awesome Colin M. Ford, who came all the way from Baltimore for the party! It was an awesome time, and I'm so glad I was there.

There was one person in John's life who did NOT attend, but that's mostly because she wasn't invited, and she isn't technically in John's life anymore. John's ex, Christine (tagged 'X'--which they actually call her, along the lines of 'Xmas') has been making things plenty weird for those of John's friends who are still in touch with him. I'd spoken to one of her close friends, Kim, in the past, who confirmed that Christine has brought me up, at least, and the fact that she's uncomfortable with Kim and I being friends (jerk). Dave also told us that X called him right before our graduation and asked him "Why did John cut me out of his life?" (never mind that she was the one to unfriend us on Facebook three months ago), "Why doesn't he like me anymore?" Sigh. Because you broke up TWO YEARS AGO. She has a boyfriend, too--sure, he looks like a potato, but they've been together almost as long as John and I have, and it's just not fair to him.

Now, at the party, Marie indicated that as soon as Christine found out about John's grad party (through me, actually--I asked Marie on her wall if she was coming--I didn't really think about Christine and Marie still being friends), Christine started calling and texting Marie after about a year of not doing anything of the kind. Obviously Marie knew what was up, so she didn't bother to return the messages--one particular voicemail was Christine saying that she "wants [Marie's] opinion on something that's been tormenting [her] for awhile". SIGH.

Marie eventually got it out of her in text--X was confused about John: first he "chews [her] out" via Facebook message (which he did, but only to tell her to stop being so desperate and weird and start treating him like a friend, NOT like an ex), and then he acts all interested in her life again! (AKA, he sent her a Happy Birthday message nearly SIX months after the initial "chewing out".) This girl. She is just so in love with John STILL--which I really can't blame her for entirely, John is a lot to lose--but it's been two years, she's had other boyfriends/hookups, she's IN A RELATIONSHIP, and still pining. It's unhealthy and weird.

I would have absolutely no issues with John and Christine being friends. Zero. If she could just stop acting like a stalker, we'd be good to go.

After the party, Tracey and Marie and a bunch of cousins and aunts and uncles stayed over, and that was the night John proposed. :D More on that another time.

The following day was all celebration and a lot of driving. We went to a wonderful church that morning, and packed up our stuff and got on the road to Pittsburgh, which is when I found out that Marie had sent Christine a looooong message, basically telling X how much she was missing out on by being so weird to John and I. It was very straightforward and mature. I was super-impressed with Marie. Hopefully Christine doesn't take it the wrong way--but that's pretty inevitable, I'd say.

So, we get back to Pittsburgh and I am TERRIFIED, but manage to tell my mom and Robert and KJ about the engagement--Mom reacted pretty well, although she's been sort of tense around us for the past couple of days. I called Lauren and Dad and told them, too--Lauren sounded positively disgusted on the phone: "ARE YOU SERIOUS? With, like, a RING?" (Imagine the word 'Ew' hanging unspoken after that sentence, and you can picture her tone. :P) We also told Joey V. and the Ruzichs, who were very excited for us. Telling people is the best part. :)

So, families and close (in proximity) friends aside, we told Facebook Monday morning, and have gotten a pretty steady stream of positive comments. Let me tell those of you reading that we are not getting married for close to two years--we're not jumping into anything here, despite popular opinion. Have faith in us!

So now we're home, and having lunch with my mom's parents today before John drives back to New Jersey. :((((((

I hope you're all having as good of a week as I've been! So much love to all of you!

-A.

The End of the MICA Chapter

Classes and finals are (essentially) over for me!

My plans for the next few days are:

-Hang the commencement show.
-Start packing.
-Attend a super-fun Victorian tea party.
-Go to a wedding! As a bridesmaid!
-GRADUATE!

I had my interview with Sarah Vinas, the art director of Glamour magazine, yesterday. Overall I think it went well! I was a little intimidated at first, but she proved to be really personable (but professional), and she offered some good advice--some which I'd heard from others, but that's normal. My biggest concern (and don't I know it)is settling on a style/media/vision. I need to focus myself. This summer will be an excellent time to explore that, so I'm looking forward to it. :) Sarah offered to e-mail me with a few references for people/places that could potentially be interested it my work, and offered to be a contact for me (which was very generous). Successful, I think!

Oh my gosh, here comes real life!

The rest of yesterday was really great as well (apart from getting up at 5:45 for a shift). I got to class at 10 after a rushed shower after my shift (which ends at 9). I'd dressed carefully (doy, art director of GLAMOUR), and got to the studio as a bunch of people were laying out awesome food for everyone to have during the day. I waited around for a bit, talked to Joey V. on the phone, had my interview, and had to immediately jet off to Target (to return that dress) and to Ikea (to get frames for the commencement show).

The drives to both places were so quick, John and I didn't get lost, and both ventures were fast and easy. I was so happy! So, we decided to go to PF Chang's for a late lunch/early dinner, which made me even happier. :D Because I'd woken up early and had such a rush-around sort of day, I fell asleep right in the car! So unlike me.

Oh, and then John and I watched The Power Rangers Movie. I know you're jealous.

In other news, Betsy is coming up next week for graduation! I haven't seen her since Winter Break! Unfortunately the wedding will make me miss her for the first few days, but it'll be a fun time! I'm still in this weird in-between where I'm aware of the end, but I'm still doing so many things I can't absorb it yet. I wonder how I'll be when I get to that point. Eep!

Hope you're all well!

-A.

Graduation Weekend, and 'Why I Love Brian', Part 26

The reality of graduation is starting to hit me. UGH.

Actually, I'm really excited. There are some amazing things happening in my life, even alongside the money troubles and long-distance drama. I'm excited to come back to Sewickley again for the summer and a bit beyond. Granted, it was NOT my (or my mom's) plan for me to move back in--I had no desire to work backwards. However, I'm embracing it because it's necessary.

My only issue is the stress of finding a job and earning money. Mom is eager for me to get work in the arts right away, but that's difficult enough as it is without A) a license, or B) (even if I had one) a car to use. I have a friend, Sara Beth, who works at ModCloth--a great creative outlet and Pittsburgh company, but it looks like they're only hiring for jobs that are a bit out of my skill set--web development and management stuff. And Joey V. works at The Cafe in Sewickley, which apparently pays well. I've never served, but it's a nice place (although I've heard the drama is intense--at least while Chase worked there).

I'm not too worried, but I don't like the pressure being applied--it's unnecessary, especially when I haven't even gotten home to survey the options.

However, all of that is on the back burner, as we mount an attack on the monstrosity known as 'Graduation Weekend'. John and I want to blend the families for graduation dinner, which his mom is totally up for, but...my mom is hesitant. In part due to nerves about my growing up and moving quickly, etc., and in part about wanting it to be a family day, and in another (I'm willing to bet) larger part, money ["I'd be responsible to foot the bill at whatever restaurant they chose for you, me, and my parents"]. Which I completely sympathize with, but...not the best excuse, as Mimi and Pappy have ALWAYS offered (cheerfully) to treat us. Is it a pride issue? She did say she wasn't interested in Mimi and Pappy paying. It's whatever.

However, she acknowledged without prompting that John and I are going to get married, so I was pleased about that.

Mom, instead, wants to get drinks with John's family and have dinner at my aunt's (who she has not even consulted yet, by the way). If that's the way it has to be, I'm okay with it, but I don't really get her hesitance. I don't want our families to be strangers to each other!

Not to mention the crunch of hanging my show between the 8th and 12th, coming home on the 13th, rehearsal dinner on the 14th, wedding the 15th, home on the 16th! Insanity! But it'll be fun. :)

@@@

For some humor, Brian and I had this hysterical (to us) conversation about founding a religion based on the song 'Bet on It' from High School Musical 2.

Seriously. Watch this first to understand what the hell we're talking about.

Me: [on 'Do It For Our Country' from Grease 2] It's not 'Bet On It' quality, but good.

Brian: Well, to be fair, nothing is. Ever. Past, present or future.

Me: Soooo true. That song changed my life and the way I look at modern movement.

Brian: If we were asked to make a time capsule of human kind to send out into space, 'Bet On It' would be my number one choice

Me: Absolutely. SO GOOD.

Brian: It represents music, movie, tv, art, one of our future Gods in his early days.

Me: Totally. Can we found betonitism?

Brian: It's a perfect choice for a time capsule. We will base an entire philosophy upon it.

Me: We'll be Boltonites.

Brian: I'm really liking this.

Me: Like 'Peace be with you', 'Bet on it' will be our blessing.

Brian: We can have a 'Bolton's Prayer':

"We will not talk at you"

"We will not get in your head"

"We will listen to our own heart talking"

"We will count on our own self instead"

Me: YESSSSS.

And when we initiate people, we'll have a questionnaire:

"Did you ever:

A) Doubt your dreams would ever come true?

B) Blame the world but never blame you?"

Brian: Hahahahahha, this is too much.

Me: Oh! And "Did you ever:

C) Push away the ones you should have held close?

D) Let go?

E) Not know?"

Brian: Hahahaha, I just got to that part in the song... as I have it on repeat now.

Me: And when they get accepted, they'll have to say, "I will never try to live a lie again".

Brian: The choreography just blows my mind.

Me: The guy must have been on 'luudes when he made it up.

Brian: Seriously. He woke up that day and was like, "MAN have I got a great idea for this dance sequence. We'll have him dancing on the golf course... and inexplicably start running and doing bizarre jumps every few steps... It'll look GREAT!"

Me: "Question Three: When met with a golf course, you do what?:

A) Throw the sand from the sandtraps emoishly.

B) Prance around doing complicated leaps.

C) Watch yourself reflectively in the water hazard."

Brian: D) All of the above.

Me: YES. Trick question. It is ALWAYS all of the above... Because Troy does whatever it takes.

@@@

We have fun. :)

Hope you're all well!

-A.

Art Post and a Survey, for fun. :P

Firstly, go here and see how silly I make Bess look, and how funny my idea to regress Lady Gaga is. :P I spent yesterday evening with the Ruzichs and Joey V., which sounds just about as awesome as it was. :D I love them.

Secondly, I'm going to do a pointless survey, because I haven't in a while, and I enjoy them. :)

Thirdly, John is in England right now! Everyone pray that he has a safe and happy trip! I miss him a lot. :/

If I were a month, I’d be November.
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Thursday.
If I were a time of day, I’d be 1:49 pm.
If I were a planet, I’d be Pluto.
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a Prion. (It's a sea bird.)
If I were a direction, I’d be East.
If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a chaise lounge.
If I were a liquid, I’d be milk.
If I were a gemstone, I’d be Serendibite. (LOOK IT UP.)
If I were a tree, I’d be a Pomegranate Tree.
If I were a tool, I’d be a level.
If I were a flower, I’d be a calla lily.
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be a sunny, nearly cloudless day, or a nighttime summer thunderstorm.
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a piano. (Or violin!)
If I were a color, I’d be cerulean. (Shout-out! :P)
If I were an emotion, I’d be affection.
If I were a fruit, I’d be a peach.
If I were a sound, I’d be laughter. (But not the annoying kind.)
If I were an element, I’d be fire (or steam--fire+water. I'm a cheater.). (Do they mean traditional elements or periodic table elements?)
If I were a car, I’d be a Honda CR-V. (I don't know why I'm so freaking drawn to this model, but I want one SO BADLY.)
If I were a food, I’d be EGG ROLLS. (No question!)
If I were a place, I’d be a window seat. Preferably near a fireplace.
If I were a material, I’d be silkaline.
If I were a taste, I’d taste like something refreshing, like lemon-water or a mint.

If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be simple black flats.
If I were a scent, I’d be roses.
If I were an animal, I’d be a fox. (They're so cute! :D)
If I were an object, I’d be a a bell.
If I were a body part, I’d be eyes.
If I were a facial expression, I’d be a joyful smile.)

If I were a song I'd be "The Hallelujah Chorus" (I love it, it just pumps me up.)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Belatedly.

Welcome 2010!

New Year's was the first super-fun one I've had in a while. John and I went to Em's and Bri and Drea and Nickles were there, awesomely. It was low-key and dorky--we played Apples-to-Apples (Drea and I tied for the win with ten cards each)--and made fun of how Dick Clark is a corpse. (Am I right?) And J. Lo's HORRIFIC (Whore-iffic?) outfit! D:

Either way, John and I got to celebrate New Year's together (his first kiss on New Year's, woo!) with people that I really love and care about and do not see NEARLY enough (hint hint).

We had a lovely visit with Joey V. a few days back. Three mimosas for me, one for John, and a vodka martini (dirty) for Joey. But it didn't take nearly that amount of alcohol for Joey and I to get catty about high school people. :D We're fun.

Lauren is headed back to Athens, Ohio and Ohio University today--she could not be more excited. Six weeks in Sewickley is not exactly Lauren's favorite thing. She met John this week, and seemed to jive with him just fine (naturally)! (Although I did get one punch in the face)

John and I drive back to New Jersey on the 6th--we're meeting with Brandon today, and hopefully grabbing lunch with Em, Drea, etc. before we leave!

OMG HOW COULD I FORGET LUKE AND JESS GOT ENGAGED WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

ANYWAY, Betsy called me yesterday. We had discussed the idea of me spending the summer with her at Mercersburg Academy (in PA, near State College) as a videographer while she photographed. Honestly, I'd forgotten all about it and was pretty set on trying for internships, etc. This opportunity is good money, however, and I really don't need that much experience. I'm thinking about it.

(I'd need to find a way to get iMovie onto my PC. The fact that I only need to know iMovie makes me far more qualified than I would EVER be in the true videography world.)

Hope you're all having a wonderful break! :D Two and a half weeks until my LAST semester begins! EESH!

Love,

-A.

Christmas Update!

For Christmas Eve, it is the usual tradition that we go to my Mimi and Pappy's and see my mom's side of the family. It is equally traditional that my mom hates it. This year was a bit better because we didn't stay for dinner, and my aunts and uncles were interested to hear about John, so I had something more enjoyable to talk about than what I'm going to do after graduation. We didn't stay for a proper dinner after all, but left early and hung out at home before attending a 9pm candlelight service and the Presbyterian church where Robert now works.

Christmas was fairly small as far as gifts (although my laptop was a combination birthday/Christmas gift)--money, gift cards, earphones from KJ, a monogrammed shot glass from Lauren (:P), a massive book on American artists from my aunt, a funny little Christmas-themed cutting board from my Nana, and a set of pens from Mom and Robert so I can write their wedding invitations! My stocking also contained these stunning little gold post earrings with sapphires and diamonds in them. So small and delicate, but one of the favorite things I received. Not too shabby. Plus, I know John has something big and spectacular coming (he's only been bragging about it since Fall Break--SERIOUSLY). So, I'm feeling fairly lame about my just-under-medium-sized gift in comparison, but I think (hope) he'll like it. :)

Christmas Day itself is spent at my Dad's in the morning, then at his youngest sister's (it was the first Christmas without middle sister Suzanne), and Lauren, KJ, and I get to catch up with our cousins and eat some delicious brunch. Yum, yum.

We spent Christmas night at home with a yummy turkey dinner by Mom and some family bonding.

Overall a rather uneventful Christmas, but not an unpleasant one. This weekend was nice because I got to sing two fantastic songs for trio with Robert and Mom, then catch up with Abby C, Joey V. and Brandon, and I got to take care of 65% of my TJ Maxx gift card and get some DELIGHTFUL dark-wash jeans that fit me like a dream (yaaay!) and a couple new undergarments (also yay, as I am hard to fit!). Not a bad way to spend the day. However, I've managed to not eat at all today, so I'm going to rectify that situation!

Also, John gets in again tomorrow night! Woo!

Hope you're all having a wonderful holiday! :D

Hark, how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say 'Throw cares away'...

I'm home and settled in for the most part--John was here from Thursday to Monday and met my Dad, his wife Lisa and her daughter Sam, Robert, KJ, Em, Drea, Joey V., Bess, Abby C. and her boyfriend Greg, not to mention RE-meeting my SACI roommates Emily, Christine and Ulyssa.

We got in around 4:15 and unpacked and relaxed with KJ and Mom and Robert until about 5:30 when we drove up to my Dad's for his 49th (!) birthday dinner! Dad and Lisa really liked John, which was nice ("What's not to like?" -My mom).

After that, we met up with Drea and Eat 'N' Park (which looks all Panera-fied and not greasy/seedy AT ALL anymore, which is upsetting), and soon accumulated a few more people: Joey, Em, and Bess. When Drea, Em, and Bess has to leave, Joey gave John a very involved quiz to prove his worth. :P It was pretty great, ranging from "What is Alyssa's favorite color?" to "Do you like 'Jersey Shore'?" (PLUS A GA-GRILLION POINTS) It was fun. :D

John met Ab and Greg on Sunday night--it was a casual visit, and John was pretty quiet for the whole thing, but it was so good to catch up with Abby and see Greg again!

Monday night was great--John and I went to the South Side and met up with Emily, Christine and Uly at S Bar. We caught up and talked and it was SO good to see them (I haven't seen them since APRIL! WHAT? Almost eight months?!). They're all doing well and are all happy. It was really good to reconnect.

John left on Monday around 1, and I'm already ready for him to come back! He and Lauren didn't get to meet because Lauren was in Ohio this weekend visiting friends. But they'll both be here on the 29th to meet! Pretty exciting!

We also got our Christmas tree, but our (working) lights only cover about 2/3 of the tree. Class. :P

Cheese-tastic aside (Lauren, skip to the end :P): Since being with John, I've really begun to understand what Godly love is. I always knew God loved me, but I had no idea what that love felt like to palpably give and receive until I got into a relationship with John. He's really made me realize what it means to commit and to take chances but also feel entirely sure and confident in myself and in my relationship. He proves to me (even more) how completely God takes care of His people. I'm so thankful, and so happy. I love him! Yay!

Hope you all have an amazing and merry Christmas!

Love,

-A.

A little venting that's been building up over nearly three and a half years. (Also, template re-do!)

I’ve always doubted my talent in the visual arts. I’m quite sure of my singing talent, and decently confident in my acting abilities (usually), but I’ve never quite sat comfortably with my art.

I like my art just fine, for the most part, but it’s difficult to attend such an amazing school where you see so many fantastic people making this gorgeous, seemingly effortless work constantly. MICA does a good job of not fostering a comparative or competitive spirit, particularly within the illustration department, but I’ve always had that tendency without any help. I have a very hard time not comparing myself to my fellow classmates, for better or for worse (usually for worse).

I acknowledge that I am absolutely not the most talented student in my year and major. Most days I’m not sure I’m even in the top 50%, which is disheartening, as I’ve chosen this for my career. My mom (oh, moms) assures me I’m way too hard on myself, but I’m not so sure. After all, she isn’t here all the time, seeing what I see. Plus, she’s my MOM.

I get disappointed in myself. I know a large part of my disappointment has to do with my own lack of work ethic, which is a start. This is an issue I need to solve, and soon. However, people outside of the art community don’t seem to understand how difficult and time-consuming art really is. Try having to complete multiple pieces within a week or two. These artworks must be smart, conceptual, beautiful, individual, and perfectly-crafted. I admit, I wasn’t aware of what art was going to demand of me when MICA first accepted me.

When I arrived home after my first semester at MICA, most of my friends asked a similar question: ‘How do you grade art?’ With all of the things I mentioned above; all the effort and intelligence and beauty. Sort of like Miss America. Haha, just kidding. Miss Americas aren’t intelligent. :P

It’s a challenge, and it’s often a really fun challenge. Sophomore year was the most fun for me—the projects were usually small, quirky, useful assignments: editorial, mostly. My Narrative Illustration class helped me turn out some of my best work because I’m passionate about characters and stories. It’s a good feeling, seeing your work improve. But it’s hard to keep that confidence up when that improvement still hasn’t raised you to a level where you can compete professionally with your collegues.

I nurse a strange paranoia in myself. At MICA—at any art school—we critique artwork. Not only in class, but amongst ourselves—we rank out who can draw and who can’t. I have this feeling that my closest friends at MICA (exceptionally talented designers and artists in their own right) privately think of me as the least talented among us. I may be entirely out of my mind in thinking that (actually most of my friends haven’t seen my work due to this very insecurity), but it’s a feeling I can’t shake.

To change tack, I’m not sure I can say that I’m passionate about art. Maybe about portraits. I’m not sure I can say I’m passionate about MY art. I enjoy doing it, certainly, and I often like what I do. I love looking at beautiful art, but I’m the first to say I’m a strict classicist with little to no interest in contemporary fine art. I’ve felt passionate about people and about singing, but I’m not sure I’ve felt that same rush about art. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never really expressed myself artistically.

The closest I’ve ever come to doing so was in a thirty-page comic book/diary I drew while I was in Florence, Italy this past Spring. It was funny and cute and sometimes sad, and my artwork made some huge strides, and I was happy with the product, but I’m hesitant to call what I do ‘expressive’.

Or maybe I’m just being a giant WEENIE. Thoughts?

Thanksgiving was lovely (the soup went over well!) and TOO SHORT. But I can’t wait for this semester to be over so I can take John home to my family! :D

I got to talk to Em and Drea this week, for the first time in a babillion years. I’ve been realizing lately how close I am to them, and how much closer I’ve stayed to them as my MICA friends have shifted. I love you guys!

Overall, I’m happy, if stressed with all the effing work I have to do before the semester’s end:

-At least 15 pages of thesis work done, plus a few pages inked plus final critique.
-10 page paper for Art and Architecture of Ancient Egypt plus a final exam.
-Objectivity final exam.
-ArtMarket and final Lab critique.

BLAH.

Wish me luck.

Lots and lots of love,
-A.

I believe in anything that brings you back home to me.

I've been working my patoot off since I got back from Sewickley, but I wanted to recap the events of the week briefly, while I have a moment!

The most important thing about my first day home was seeing Brian, which I did. I won't reveal much about that interaction, because it was private and special. However, it was moving and amazing to hear the way he was speaking--eloquently and simply and so honestly. Tragic and lovely.

He invited me the next day with Lauren and Abby to his cousin Lucy's house to put together some photographs of Robby for the viewing and funeral. A lot of family and friends were there, which was really touching and fun, and there was a lot of laughter--Robby was hilarious, after all--and the photos were great. Brian and Robby were dressed alike in all of the childhood photos. :)

The viewing itself was terribly sad. I arrived early, around 3:30 pm, and put a letter in the casket alongside Lauren and Abby. I watched family and friends approach the casket and leave gifts and notes and touch his arm and hair. I reconnected with Mike, Lacie's ex and my LONG ago high-school crush--he was particularly comforting to me, who didn't really know where I fit as far as closeness, and made me feel integrated. See, I'm close to Brian and Lucy and Abby, and Mr. Hague was one of my favorite teachers. I've hung out in their house, in Robby's room. Watched movies and hockey games and clip shows Robby put together. But I wasn't close to Robby, not really. Although, I realize now he always remembered to tag me in his silly Facebook photos of casts of his favorite shows. :)

I got a taste of justice as Brian, Abby, Mike, and I walked home from the post-viewing reception--we were about to cross Sewickley's main street when I saw a tall girl in a ridiculous brunette wig approach us, with a boy, from the side. Lacie. I ignored her, but I could feel Abby seize up in the same way I did directly behind me. "Mike Kerr!" Lacie called from the corner as we walked away from her.

Mike turned and waved, then shrugged--he had no idea who it was. Brian rubbed the bridge of his nose and asked, "Who was that?"

"LACIE," Abby and I practically whisper-shrieked back. It was almost too perfect--two of her ex-boyfriends, an old enemy in Abby, and me, the ex-bff.

But enough about her.

There was a reception the next morning for two hours before the funeral, and I saw a lot of teachers and old classmates, including Harton--the unattainable-senior-to-my-dorky-freshman--who kissed me on the cheek in greeting, surprisingly enough.

I made myself talk to the two most difficult people for me to approach--Robby's girlfriend Andrea and Mr. Hague. Andrea was easier--polite but responsive to my condolences. I put of Mr. Hague until the last moment, as the crowd was thinning and funneling into the sanctuary. I tried to put a kind but not-too-mushy sentence together: "Mr. Hague, look, I can't stay for the whole service, but--"

I got cut off. HE hugged ME. And thanked me. It was the most gratifying experience of my life.

The funeral itself was beautiful--I was reduced to a practical puddle the entire time. I actually ended up sitting towards the back next to Liz--MY old high school rival. She was sweet and generous to me, though, and even held my hand when I really started crying. I was lucky enough to stay for all of the eulogies before Robert picked me up. Robby's best friends JJ and Caleb spoke, and Robby's favorite aunt, and his stepdad, and Andrea, and Annie, Brian, and Mr. Hague. Each eulogy was heartfelt and perfect.

It rained that day--a cleansing rain.

I got to see a few other friends while I was home, Brandon and Emily and Joey V. Every visit was really wonderful--I've missed home and my friends. I feel disconnected from my self-appointed position of 'protector' at home and with friends. At this point, I'm pushing through the month of August (holy eff, it's AUGUST) until my friends arrive and MICA starts up again. I know I'll be complaining about work and thesis then, but anything is better than waiting.

I also have a new roommate--she moved into Betsy's room and I moved back into my old one. Her name is Emily Wade, and she's from Lynchburg, VA. She's a Christian in the way that Melissa and I are--not a casual believer. It's going to be so nice to have that companionship.

Two hours 'til I have to head out for work. Blah.

Love,

-A.

I caved.

After nearly a year of resistance, I got a Twitter--now you can keep up with my doings even more obsessively! :P

Don't worry! I'll still be updating as much as before.

After three long, lazy days off with very little sleep, I go back to work today at 4. Then, tonight, a beautiful thing happens--Letta arrives! :D I am very, VERY excited, as I've only seen her for about an hour in the last six months. But the great thing is, she and I can always pick up right where we left off.

In other news, well...I am lazy and have barely left the house, although I DID attend the Orioles/Red Sox game with Mark, his brother, and his brother's three friends, all of whom were incredibly sweet. We were losing 10-1 by the seventh inning, when the rain began. Luckily we'd moved under the awning before we got poured on! After about 45 minutes (during which Joey V. helped me open my Twitter account via text), the game started up again, and we got 5 runs in each of the next two innings to make it 11-10! It was amazing. I'm no baseball nut, but it was cool to see a turnaround that huge!

As I said, not too much to fill you in on here, but I hope you're all having a lovely day!

-A.

Ah, isn't this amazing?

Picture this.

Betsy, John and I are sitting in the living room finishing dinner--John and I made rotelli and I cobbled together some sauce. Betsy then went to get a few things at the supermarket, leaving John and I alone on the couch. Something to know about John is he personalizes ringtones for his close friends, and told me that he chose one for me--we decide to make it a surprise, although I can guess what he chose.

So, as we've done for the past week or so, we talk about the crazy situation we find ourselves in! John is, as usual, selfless and supportive and it's amazing. He jokes that the ringtone he chose was pertinent, and at that point (you all know me), I had to know what he chose. And, the exchange:

John: I chose the part in "Belle" (from Beauty and the Beast, doy) when she's sitting on the fountain. (In case you guys forget the lyrics to that, here you go: "Ah, isn't this amazing? It's my favorite part because, you see--here's where she meets Prince Charming, but she won't discover that it's him 'til Chapter Three!")

Me: I love that part! :D

John: Well...I can wait 'til Chapter Three.

...


...


(Let that sink in.)

Me: 8( ) <---*jaw-dropping, eye-bulging* That was the PERFECT THING TO SAY. *stutters for about five minutes* I-I-um. Wow. I-jeez! Did you think of that earlier?

John: *looking surprised at himself* No, just now.

Me: 8( ) WOW. Okay...okay.

So, as you can see, this is awesome. Storybooks are written about boys like John who say those things that don't even seem like they could be real. And, I must say, he knows exactly how to put his arms around a girl. When he hugged me goodbye last night, his hands just found the right place on my back that made me feel really feminine and safe. :) Betsy observed that I have a glow around John.

But, as the complicated story goes, I have a date with Mark tonight. He called this morning and invited me to dinner before we watch the Pens game together. He invited Betsy as well, because he didn't want her to feel left out, and he was just so considerate on the phone. I'm looking forward to spending more time with Mark--I think tonight will be a good chance to be more casual with him. After all, we had the first date, then everything came out about John and me, then we watched Game 4 with Betsy, and a lot of discomfort has been overcome, but we haven't been in private since then. This week will be informative.

In other news, I spoke to Robin today and got a decent update about him (I really do miss just hanging out and joking around with him), and spoke to Joey V. yesterday and got a HUGE update about our old high school friends, and as usual, he was funny and supportive about my deal. I swear, we have so much fun together! :D And we're about to embark on a fun project together we've always meant to start, so I'm excited!

Things here are going well. :) The rest of my day will be spent cleaning up in the kitchen before tonight--I hope you all have a fantastic day! :)

Love,

-A.

P.S. Thanks to all of your who commented about the Honesty Box message I received--your support means everything! Love you.

New York, New York: Where cute Jewish babies threaten to kill each other in the sandbox. Part Two. (With a dash of "Why I Love Brian")

When we left Our Heroes, they had ventured into Long Island. :)

After the bad news about my aunt, we stopped at Haagen-Dazs to get Ben, Betsy, and Jess a Banana Split Dazzler (*shhhing!*) and went to the park to eat it and saw five adorable Israeli kids in their underwear and smirking at us, then went to this restaurant called Pancho's for Mexican. Yes, dessert first. :P

Lunch was good, but the waiter was a jerky face and they added the tip automatically so we couldn't stiff them for their bad behavior. LAME. But we drew cute cartoons on the table paper, so we win.

After lunch, we worked off the calories at a local playground--we played on the swings (Ben took one particularly nasty spill and scraped his arm after Betsy and I both warned him on separate occasions about jumping from swings) and had an impromptu photo shoot on the grass. We overheard the toddlers responsible for my entry title--some gems from their mouths include:

"I'm gonna cut your head off!"

"My mother and my brother are gonna kick you in the ASS!"

"I'm going to get a bat and hit you in the FACE!"

Yup. Charming.

We drove around a bit more and went back to Ben's house to chill for a while before I met his dad more properly. Whew. He was intense! SERIOUS EYE CONTACT. But in a good way, although he wasted no time in telling me that if I don't learn Flash I'll never make money. :) He warmed to me more once he found out my interest in conservation, however.

The drive back to Baltimore was more pleasant that the drive from--we were all more awake and good-tempered. :) Not to mention the wide array of funny things that went down. More bridge-phobia for Jess (that trooper! :D), a great deal more Betsy-and-Alyssa-Sing-Along ensued, and during a rousing rendition of "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa, my personal favorite moment occurred:

Bets and Lyss: "P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face!"
Jess: "What is she saying? Poke her face?"
Bets and Lyss: "No, no. POKER FACE. Like the game. Have you heard that term? Poker face?"
Ben: "She's saying 'butterface'. You know, like a Butterface."
Jess: "Butterface? Poke? Poke-her-face?!"
Bets and Lyss: "NO! POKER. POKER FACE. Like the card game!"
Ben: "B-b-b-butterface, b-b-butterface!"
Jess: "I don't understand! Why are you all saying different things?!"
Bets and Lyss: *Laughing too hard to correct Jess*

Hahahahaha. I can't even keep from laughing now!

Also, Betsy was foiled in her search for a Spock collector's cup--she is now in love with Spock since seeing Star Trek with me, Robin, the two Bens, Colin, and Jen a few weeks back.

It was a fantastic weekend all around. :) Thanks, you guys, for making it so awesome! :D

SIDE NOTE!: Eric, the Gossip Girl fan who came over last week, did come over and hang out. He also admitted that he wanted to ask me out on a date, but thanks to his return to Austin, no go. But, we made plans to hang out on Friday. He said he would call me and--Surprise!--did not. Well, that is, he called at 9:30pm, while I was on my way to New York City. And he only called to tell me why he couldn't hang out that day! Leave my hanging all day, then that! Lame. But oh well.

I also saw Marla on Monday. I got called in to work at the Meyerhoff desk that morning from 8 AM to noon, and posted a status update about it on Facebook. At about 11:30, Marla walks in. I look up and freeze, but she just says "Hi", her mouth in the hint of a smile, and walks to the computers. I felt my eyebrows fly up "Hiiiiiiiiiii..."

About twenty minutes later, she goes to walk out, without saying one word to me.

"Marla, wait."

She turned, and I saw that her eyes were red and moist.

"I'm sorry."

She almost smiled, but mirthlessly. "Thank you." Then she turned on her heel and walked right out.

Like any stalker, I checked her internet history. She only visited two frivolous animal blogs, no e-mail. It clicked. She has a computer at home. She saw my status update. She came to see if I would apologize.

Joey had a different theory: "She prob wanted to see if you gained weight in Italy and then got pissed when she realized you lost a babillion pounds!" (Unlikely, but funny. Except for the part where I had a babillion pounds to lose. :P )

So, relatively painless, and I guess that's that for now. We'll see if we see each other again any time soon.

I hope you're all well. Love you!

-A.

P.S. Why I Love Brian, Part 4? 5? Lost count.

Me: *Persuade, persuade, persuade*
Brian: Haha. You're like the little devil on my shoulder, except you have good intentions.
Me: So I'm the angel? Maybe a bit of both.
Brian: I can deal with that. Angel of gossip. :P
Me: Angel of human interest!

P.P.S. GO PENS! Lord Stanley, here we come! :D

Ugh, this patience thing is overrated.

No response from Craigslist mystery guy yet, unfortunately. Dammit.

However, I did get to have a short chat with Robin today, and I tell you, the more we talk, the more I think that we'll be A-OK, especially once we get back into each other's lives and have things to talk about again.

I asked Dad for some money to float June rent until I get a job and have something to build on. He was shockingly compliant, and he told me he would take it out of the money he set aside for me for this year--$2000, his tax return. I'm taking $500 for rent, and $100 for expenses for travel--Lauren is generously volunteering to drive me to Baltimore either Sunday or Monday. It's looking like Monday, as Lauren has a final Monday morning, and besides, Sunday is Mother's Day, after all.

I got a couple late texts from Joey V. and Dan--I get to see both of them before I go home, which is a very pleasant surprise, as Joey is wrapped in wedding plans for Rachaela (but thankfully, not so ensconced that he can't scheme with me), and Dan is harder to get ahold of then a greased pig. Ew.

A reminder about Dan, to myself--readers may skip this part if they wish--Alyssa, no matter how much you miss making out, DO NOT KISS DAN. Yes, he is tall and charming, but he is also very bad at commitment and at being straightforward about anything. Don't fall into the default makeout mode! You are better!

Okay, cool.

Also, I like playing detective. I am lame. WHATEVER. Brian is kind enough to indulge me (as he has a similar fantasy, I can't say it's a selfless indulgence, but OH WELL. WE ROCK).

Anyone who saw Gossip Girl last night (which I watched with Bess, because she is AWESOME--Em, where did you get sich a cool sister? :P), OKAY. CAN CHUCK BE REAL AND MINE NOW?

Ahem.

I'm feeling happy. It's nice. :)

I also like being able to update a lot, but I also feel lame that I have no readers. :P BE BETTER, GUYS.

No, I love you.

More soon--

-A.

Ding, Dong--The Bells Are Gonna Chime!

Weddings!

Weddings. Are. Everywhere for me right now.

I'm enjoying it, truly, but it is a needling reminder that I am at Square Zero as far as boys. Either way, I've been hearing more and more announcements about engagements for my classmates! Seriously, I can name five people my age or younger engaged in the last twelve months off the top of my head! Drea's sister just got married! Joey's sister's wedding is next week! Not to mention my mom's upcoming nuptials!

All this talk of weddings has been getting to me. Not in a bad way, but I swear, I've gotten so sensitive to the idea of people my age getting married, I've started watching "Whose Wedding Is Is Anyway?" as often as I can (and tearing up at it), and I even made a theknot.com account to stare dreamily at wedding dresses I will never afford (or at this point in my dating life, never wear).

Ugh. Is that so lame? Doesn't every girl dream about her wedding? Em and Drea and I talked about it a lot while Kamala was planning, and Em and I revisited the subject when she visited Florence. It's an exciting subject. Scary, sure, even a little frustrating (I get impatient, okay?!), but it always makes my head buzz and my stomach drop.

I should probably stop obsessing, seeing as one should actually have a serious boyfriend before diving into all of this, and any boy who sees how excited I get at the prospect of a marriage will be scared away! :P (But I can still design my gown in my head, right?)

But, despite the very, very far-into-the-future romance in store pour moi, I got a couple of lovely compliments from an old, long-distance male friend (who, I can guess, has always had a crush on me):

R: I'll be honest: you are very attractive to me. But as distance goes--got to be realistic.

~ALSO~

R: I can talk a lot, that is, until you look at me with your eyes. Then I'm probably a little school boy. (My eyes have de-aging powers, I guess? :P)

~And most unexpected of all:~

R:(about my FB profile picture--me, with wind-tossed hair on top of a medieval tower in Tuscany) I would give anything to be there at that moment, I'm sure the view was breathtaking, I know at least you'd be. WOW.

Those little (BIG) pick-me-ups are always welcome. :)

That Sinking Feeling, or These Things Come In Threes

I've had a surfeit of helplessness since I got home.

Not just in me--I've been seeing it everywhere. From talking about a cement-trapped patient in Grey's Anatomy to helping Lauren illustrate a boy who can't tie his shoes, it's coming at my from all sides.

And the weirdest thing is how STRONGLY I'm reacting.

I burst into tears talking about Grey's Anatomy--Lauren was properly embarassed of me--I got overwhelmed by the image of a trapped, panicked person and I started to cry--and not just cry, SOB. I dry-sobbed for twenty seconds before getting a hold of myself. I've always had a fear of being confined (claustrophobia and all that). Lauren brought it up in front of Brian again tonight and I teared up. I'm starting to freak out now.

Moving on.

My own illustrations even made me upset--the helpless expression I drew on the little boy broke my heart.

Watching Veronica Mars trapped in an old refrigerator tightened a fist around my heart, just for a moment.

This will be my tenth post tagged "Helplessness".

Why do I feel helpless? Trapped? Is it because I have no job prospects and $500 of rent is due June 1st? That's part of it, I'm sure. Is it because I have a thesis proposal to write and no fucking clue what I want to do? Is it because I know I'm going to sink under my workload next year? Is it because I'm not sure my art is good enough?

UGH. I'm disgusted with myself! I want to be able to say to myself, like Mom and Melissa can say, "God is handling it, it will be fine", but I don't think God will be dropping off an envelope full of money for me, or give me any more ease with my interpersonal relationships or learning how to sell myself and my art. I know He's got me, but I also know I've got this controlling part of me for a reason--it motivates me to want more than to step off. But, I can have all the aggression in the world, but with no outlet or opportunity, that means nothing.

I know I'll be taken care of, even if I have to ask for help (number one brand of shame for me--it's a long story why, maybe I'll tell it one day), and I know opportunities will pop up, but I'd just rather be DOING something then waiting here with no control.

It's like with Robin and Marla--I'm inert, ready to move forward in both situations, but I have to wait until I GET there, SEE them, be ACTIVE. I'm oddly lazy in that way--I want to move forward with Robin and Marla and be friends, and I want to be working and earning money for rent, etc. BUT, I'm only too eager to forgo the part where I have to take a risk--talking to employers, talking to Marla (not so much Robin). The place where I'm in danger of rejection. My least favorite place of all time, saving the place of shame. Although I guess shame comes with both.

I am happy--I had a really good night with Brian and Lauren, and I got to see Abby and Joey this past weekend and that was AWESOME.

I am happy, but I am not secure. I won't be until I have enough money for two months of rent in the bank.

Sheesh. I need to take a chill pill and go to SLEEP. It's 4 AM for goodness' sake.

See you all in the morning--love, love, love--

-A.

Hey-Yo.

Just a little update about how I'm doing. As you know, I was a wreck Sunday night, and yesterday I was really, really pissed off.

Today, I'm more resolute. Still bummed, still mad, but I've accepted it, and I'm doing fine. My 24 hours are up and I'm moving on. I sent the letter I wrote. Well, letters. I sent one that was written on September 30th that I never got to send, and I enclosed the new letter, which went a little like this:

Dear Chase,

A few points I wanted to make before things ended for good--before I could say my peace:

Even if I'd been with you physically, your feelings for Alli would always have interfered. Maybe I wasn't a 'distraction', per se, but it probably helped that you met me while you were so angry with her, and I showed you what a stable, grounded girl looked like. I was a change you felt you needed.

You built me up. This breakup wouldn't have been such a blow if you hadn't. You said you loved me, you indicated that you wanted to have a future with me, to marry me. Maybe I was foolish to believe you, but you were careless to say it.

You should never have indicated anything as serious as love or marriage if you had even a shadow of a feeling like that for someone else. You were unfair to me for that, and you betrayed my trust. Whether we'd been together for a month or a year, that is a heartbreak.

I thought we were on the same page as far as our faith and our goals, but I guess your goals lay closer to home, where you can see them and grasp them.

Truly, if Alli is the girl who will make you happy, and most exemplifies what you want in a partner, it would be selfish of me to keep you from that, and foolish of you not to pursue it. but I hope you aren't pursuing her because the familiar opportunity has opened to you again. I hope you weren't only waiting all this time for her to give you the time of day again. Although, if that was even a portion of your reasoning, perhaps this breakup is for the best--for me, because I want someone in 100%, and for you because I would never have satisfied you completely while Alli was on your mind.

Long-distance relationships are very difficult, as we both knew going in. I'm sorry that it was more worth it to you to pursue a more immediate target than to work for something that, while less immediate, is more reliable.

Forgive me if I seem bitter, but one can hardly blame me--if all I have to go on is now cavalier Alli was with your feelings this summer, I find it hard to swallow that you're going back for more. Hopefully she's matured since then, and I have every hope that she'll treat you like the devoted (obviously), thoughtful, and eager man that is clamoring to love her that you are. If she doesn't, I suppose that just proves her immaturity and, I suppose, your own, shall we say, wishful thinking.

By the way, has she gotten over her ex-boyfriend yet?

I'm sorry, I didn't want to say anything cruel or petty. I guess I just don't want to let you go without confronting you with the scope of your decision. I really do want you to be happy. I'm just angry with you right now and I'm prone to saying mean things. I hope you can see past the anger I've left on the page to the sentiments within it. Although, I think I've been pretty measured and sensible in my delivery.

Good luck with everything, and never settle.

-Alyssa

P.S. You began to defend Alli to me during our phone call, saying she may not have done the things you thought she did initially. It was insensitive of you to try and justify your choice to me, or perhaps to yourself. You don't need to explain why you love her and not me.

So, yeah. I feel pretty good about that letter. Really good.

Also, talked to Joey V. last night, and apparently, BritNolf has a nudey pic of TK on her phone. EUGGGGGH.

Also, Drea Chamberlain thinks that sex is what makes a relationship official. Like, you're not dating at all until you do it.

WHAT. THE. EFF.

ANYWAY, I'm done with all that.

Love you guys, thanks for your support. I'm really fine, and I'm looking forward to meeting the real man I'm meant to have.