That Sinking Feeling, or These Things Come In Threes

I've had a surfeit of helplessness since I got home.

Not just in me--I've been seeing it everywhere. From talking about a cement-trapped patient in Grey's Anatomy to helping Lauren illustrate a boy who can't tie his shoes, it's coming at my from all sides.

And the weirdest thing is how STRONGLY I'm reacting.

I burst into tears talking about Grey's Anatomy--Lauren was properly embarassed of me--I got overwhelmed by the image of a trapped, panicked person and I started to cry--and not just cry, SOB. I dry-sobbed for twenty seconds before getting a hold of myself. I've always had a fear of being confined (claustrophobia and all that). Lauren brought it up in front of Brian again tonight and I teared up. I'm starting to freak out now.

Moving on.

My own illustrations even made me upset--the helpless expression I drew on the little boy broke my heart.

Watching Veronica Mars trapped in an old refrigerator tightened a fist around my heart, just for a moment.

This will be my tenth post tagged "Helplessness".

Why do I feel helpless? Trapped? Is it because I have no job prospects and $500 of rent is due June 1st? That's part of it, I'm sure. Is it because I have a thesis proposal to write and no fucking clue what I want to do? Is it because I know I'm going to sink under my workload next year? Is it because I'm not sure my art is good enough?

UGH. I'm disgusted with myself! I want to be able to say to myself, like Mom and Melissa can say, "God is handling it, it will be fine", but I don't think God will be dropping off an envelope full of money for me, or give me any more ease with my interpersonal relationships or learning how to sell myself and my art. I know He's got me, but I also know I've got this controlling part of me for a reason--it motivates me to want more than to step off. But, I can have all the aggression in the world, but with no outlet or opportunity, that means nothing.

I know I'll be taken care of, even if I have to ask for help (number one brand of shame for me--it's a long story why, maybe I'll tell it one day), and I know opportunities will pop up, but I'd just rather be DOING something then waiting here with no control.

It's like with Robin and Marla--I'm inert, ready to move forward in both situations, but I have to wait until I GET there, SEE them, be ACTIVE. I'm oddly lazy in that way--I want to move forward with Robin and Marla and be friends, and I want to be working and earning money for rent, etc. BUT, I'm only too eager to forgo the part where I have to take a risk--talking to employers, talking to Marla (not so much Robin). The place where I'm in danger of rejection. My least favorite place of all time, saving the place of shame. Although I guess shame comes with both.

I am happy--I had a really good night with Brian and Lauren, and I got to see Abby and Joey this past weekend and that was AWESOME.

I am happy, but I am not secure. I won't be until I have enough money for two months of rent in the bank.

Sheesh. I need to take a chill pill and go to SLEEP. It's 4 AM for goodness' sake.

See you all in the morning--love, love, love--

-A.