>:(

It's insulting when people don't think I take my responsibilities seriously.

Thankfully, I met up with Melissa on my way back from my class (I had a good crit with Dan Krall--I got an A!), and she reminded me that God will always provide, and if I make my stresses into prayers, I'll be fine. This year has made me realize over and over that God always has me in his sight.

I'm trying to work towards my grad show, my graduation, my summer, one step at a time. It's been challenging in some respects, but I know that I'm taken care of, so it's also been somewhat reassuring. I know I'll get a job (or two), I know I'll make money (and art!) this summer, I know that I'll be fine, even if it will take some extra effort, and I don't like being told that I'm being irresponsible, or that I don't understand what I'm doing.

But I'm not thinking about that now.

Now, I have to think about my show--John and I are going to Target on Thursday, I'm returning that blue dress (I found a better one at Village Thrift, surprisingly!), and then going to Ikea to buy five frames (cheaply, let's hope!). Whew. Then I start installation on Friday! Eep!

Also, last grave shift tonight! I get to work on a paper, which is easy-peasy. Thank goodness for that!

Things will be FINE. I'm sure of it.

Looks like I get to keep my job..

Thank goodness!

I also spoke to my Uncle David about securing a loan for the rest of the rent I owe ($750). Mom was frustrated that I didn't ask for another $900 in order to pay back my godmother for the loan I got from HER. I understand and appreciate consolidating, but I'm not at all the type to ask for more than I immediately NEED, and since I'm paying it all back anyway, sending it off to two separate people or just one isn't really the battle I'm going to pick.

To my Mom it's a personal thing--she doesn't like that I got a loan from my godmother at all, and she feels that as Kathleen's close friend, it's her responsibility to get her money back first. Which I totally get, and in an ideal world, I agree. But it seems sort of weird to repay one loan with another. I don't know. Maybe I just didn't feel comfortable asking for almost $2000 from an uncle I'm not even that close to. But he was more than willing to help (Thank God), and we're on our way.

And actually, $750 is the number right now--I have another month to come up with whatever I can give my landlady before the lease is up, and I could be down to $500 by then! (Wishful thinking...) We'll see.

Today is a full day--thankfully I don't have class tonight, and can concentrate on doing work and going to bed early. WHEW.

Hope you're all well and caught up with whatever you're up to!

-A.

I'm on fire, and now I think I'm ready to bust a move...

When John took me to visit Betsy over the break, she revealed herself to be my Secret Santa, and she gave me an adorable mug with this awesome letter 'A' on it, and a ticket to see Motion City Soundtrack, who is one of our favorite bands!

The concert was last night, finally, and I went with Betsy, her sister Mamie and their friend Nora (who has recently been snuggling it up with Robin!). We went right after my first senior/graduation meeting.

(STRESSFUL. I was getting really freaked about it, but John insisted that it just looked like a lot to take because I was looking at it all at once. He demanded that I have fun at the concert. :D)

We got there at the end of the first band, The Swellers, who sounded pretty cool. Then This Providence, who were fronted by this attractive Englishman with what was possibly a wedding ring? Pretty cool, and the band was great. The last opening band, Set Your Goals, was just a bunch of rapping/screaming, which was not so fun, particularly when the moshing started.

But then Motion City came on and they were super-great and really fun to watch. I've never been more rowdy at a concert. :D They played a bunch of my favorites. They played: The Future Freaks Me Out, Hold Me Down, LGFUAD, This Is For Real, Last Night, Broken Heart, Even If It Kills Me, My Favorite Accident, Perfect Teeth, The Red Dress, and a few songs from the new album that I didn't really know (I only heard the album existed about a week ago and I didn't listen to it before the concert): Atat, Her Words Destroy My Planet, Pulp Fiction, Hysteria, Worker Bee, A Lifeless Ordinary, and Delirium. Super fun. :)

The best part was at the end of the show--they played their last song and left the stage. A few moments later, a few kids started chanting 'One more song!' and within ten seconds the whole venue was one voice. "One more song! One more song! One more song!" Clapping and speeding up as we went. The whole place was in on it for a solid minute as we sped up, and I was worried what would happen if the chant culminated and they didn't come out for an encore.

Thankfully, I wasn't disappointed! They reappeared, and the lead singer was like "That was beautiful, you guys." It really was. Not to be totally cheese-tastic. :D I love stuff like that! I love groups of strangers coming together spontaneously for something awesome and fun! So, they played Disappear, another song from the new album, and for the last song, Everything is Alright, which is one of my favorites and I was hoping they would play it, so I was really excited!

So, naturally, when I got home, I had, like, seven hours of homework ahead of me and I didn't get to bed until 5:30. Oh well. :P Worth it, and it was a good warm-up for my grave shift tonight.

Today was busy, but rewarding. I had class from 1-3:45, then 4-8, just in time to get to Colin's for pizza and LOST with Jen, Robin, Nic, and eventually Katie and John (my teacher is a LOST fan, so we'll probably always get out before 9). I've watched maybe ten full LOST episodes, and most of those were from the second season, so I only know about 25-30% of what I should, but that's more than enough for me to follow, especially since I watched the last season finale last fall. It was just nice to be with my friends. :)

John kept me company for the first half of my shift (an hour and a half to go, wooo!) and read to me for awhile. Sweetie.

The snow has been TUMBLING down here! It's totally beautiful--night snow is the best kind; I love seeing it illuminated by the streetlights--and there are rumors of maaaybe classes being canceled (but I'm not going to jinx it!). I'm personally looking forward to sleeping in either way--my first and only class is at 7 pm!

Hope you're all doing well. :)

Love,

-A.

A little venting that's been building up over nearly three and a half years. (Also, template re-do!)

I’ve always doubted my talent in the visual arts. I’m quite sure of my singing talent, and decently confident in my acting abilities (usually), but I’ve never quite sat comfortably with my art.

I like my art just fine, for the most part, but it’s difficult to attend such an amazing school where you see so many fantastic people making this gorgeous, seemingly effortless work constantly. MICA does a good job of not fostering a comparative or competitive spirit, particularly within the illustration department, but I’ve always had that tendency without any help. I have a very hard time not comparing myself to my fellow classmates, for better or for worse (usually for worse).

I acknowledge that I am absolutely not the most talented student in my year and major. Most days I’m not sure I’m even in the top 50%, which is disheartening, as I’ve chosen this for my career. My mom (oh, moms) assures me I’m way too hard on myself, but I’m not so sure. After all, she isn’t here all the time, seeing what I see. Plus, she’s my MOM.

I get disappointed in myself. I know a large part of my disappointment has to do with my own lack of work ethic, which is a start. This is an issue I need to solve, and soon. However, people outside of the art community don’t seem to understand how difficult and time-consuming art really is. Try having to complete multiple pieces within a week or two. These artworks must be smart, conceptual, beautiful, individual, and perfectly-crafted. I admit, I wasn’t aware of what art was going to demand of me when MICA first accepted me.

When I arrived home after my first semester at MICA, most of my friends asked a similar question: ‘How do you grade art?’ With all of the things I mentioned above; all the effort and intelligence and beauty. Sort of like Miss America. Haha, just kidding. Miss Americas aren’t intelligent. :P

It’s a challenge, and it’s often a really fun challenge. Sophomore year was the most fun for me—the projects were usually small, quirky, useful assignments: editorial, mostly. My Narrative Illustration class helped me turn out some of my best work because I’m passionate about characters and stories. It’s a good feeling, seeing your work improve. But it’s hard to keep that confidence up when that improvement still hasn’t raised you to a level where you can compete professionally with your collegues.

I nurse a strange paranoia in myself. At MICA—at any art school—we critique artwork. Not only in class, but amongst ourselves—we rank out who can draw and who can’t. I have this feeling that my closest friends at MICA (exceptionally talented designers and artists in their own right) privately think of me as the least talented among us. I may be entirely out of my mind in thinking that (actually most of my friends haven’t seen my work due to this very insecurity), but it’s a feeling I can’t shake.

To change tack, I’m not sure I can say that I’m passionate about art. Maybe about portraits. I’m not sure I can say I’m passionate about MY art. I enjoy doing it, certainly, and I often like what I do. I love looking at beautiful art, but I’m the first to say I’m a strict classicist with little to no interest in contemporary fine art. I’ve felt passionate about people and about singing, but I’m not sure I’ve felt that same rush about art. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never really expressed myself artistically.

The closest I’ve ever come to doing so was in a thirty-page comic book/diary I drew while I was in Florence, Italy this past Spring. It was funny and cute and sometimes sad, and my artwork made some huge strides, and I was happy with the product, but I’m hesitant to call what I do ‘expressive’.

Or maybe I’m just being a giant WEENIE. Thoughts?

Thanksgiving was lovely (the soup went over well!) and TOO SHORT. But I can’t wait for this semester to be over so I can take John home to my family! :D

I got to talk to Em and Drea this week, for the first time in a babillion years. I’ve been realizing lately how close I am to them, and how much closer I’ve stayed to them as my MICA friends have shifted. I love you guys!

Overall, I’m happy, if stressed with all the effing work I have to do before the semester’s end:

-At least 15 pages of thesis work done, plus a few pages inked plus final critique.
-10 page paper for Art and Architecture of Ancient Egypt plus a final exam.
-Objectivity final exam.
-ArtMarket and final Lab critique.

BLAH.

Wish me luck.

Lots and lots of love,
-A.

Note-To-Self

Since the first few days of classes have been hectic (but fun!), here's a reminder to myself/teaser for you about what I need to update you all on this weekend:

-My Six Flags trip AKA PERFECTION.

-My class schedule and professor profiles. AKA Me making fun of my teachers.

-How "Dumb, dumb, dumb." (see previous entry) turned into "Stupid, stupid, stupid." AKA Why Hector does not like me.

-Other fun stuff. :)

Love you all!

-A.

P.S. Ab, I got your Facebook message, and intend to reply, I've just been busy! Tomorrow or Friday!

I miss human interaction.

Hi all!

I just finished a lovely visit with Ben, who came to relieve me of my recent loneliness now that Betsy and Jen have left (although Jen gets back tonight). :)

I also had a successful day at work yesterday! My trainer, Jonathan, decided that since I was on my last day of training, it was time to shove me out of the nest, as it were, and have me present at the daily pre-shift meeting. It wasn't a big deal, but I was pretty nervous (as most of you know, I hate doing something in front of a crowd if I have a chance of failing). I did it, and I ended up being a huge hit! I was stunned! But obviously pleased. :) There's nothing like success, especially when it's unexpected. :D

And right after work, Ben picked me up and we got down to some very, very important business--watching Gossip Girl. :P

I had today off, and I'm off tomorrow, so I'm going to TRY and get some thesis stuff started. Ug.

Also, I hate money. More accurately, I hate NOT having money. (I actually like money a whole lot.)

I love you all so, so much and I hope you're having a good one! :)

Whoa, a post without romantic drama or intrigue. What has this blog become?! :P

-A.

Tick. Tock.

Home is wonderful--the weather is STUNNINGLY gorgeous, and hot!

But, I must admit, I've been a little bored. Don't get me wrong, I've loved spending time with Lauren and Brian, but those hours when I'm alone just drag. I've even resorted to cleaning! Horrors! :P

I must ALSO admit that my attitude about the next years ahead has been pretty crap. I've been finding every reason to stress out (not that there AREN'T reasons to stress)--will I survive senior year (which is going to be a BITCH, fyi, but hopefully fun)? Will I find work? If I DON'T, what will I do? After I find work, how long will it take for me to earn enough money to even THINK about graduate school? Will I even get IN to graduate school?! Ugh.

Mom reminded me that God is in control, even when the outcome sucks (i.e. Maybe taking a semester off at MICA, which seems pretty impossible at this point. :/). It's the same lesson I've been working towards all year--I AM NOT IN CONTROL. I have the power to make my decisions, but because I've given my life over to God's control, I need to learn to LET GO. Sheesh. I need to not roadblock myself. When did I become so insecure? That's never been me. Has it?

Two conservation internships have turned me down--on the upshot, it wasn't because I wasn't qualified! There just wasn't enough work for me--one told me she would call if any work comes up. Still waiting to hear from the Walters--we'll see.

In a sharp digression, has anyone here ever had a friend tell them a secret (or two) that was huge and embarrassing and a little gross? Are you still friends with that person? Would they regret telling you if you were no longer friends?

I have that secret, and the person who told me and I aren't exactly close any longer. It feels a little bit good to have the info that this person would NEVER want to get out--lucky for this person, I have NO intention of telling. It would be far too horrid for this person, especially since I inadvertently found out an extension of that secret that makes it even MORE gross and embarrassing. Ooooops. :/

:)

That PROBABLY shouldn't make me feel so pleased.

OH WELL.

-A.

>:(

I've been a little annoyed the past few days--not in general, but at Melissa.

She's been strangely critical of me, like, putting me on the spot in front of our friends. First it was something simple and throwaway--I didn't think anything of it because it was so silly. We were having dinner with the apartment across the hall, and I must have guessed something about someone, and they asked me how I knew, and I jokingly replied, "Because I know everything." (Those of you who know me know I say this all the time.)

And Melissa immediately replies, very seriously, "No, you don't, Lyss."

Me: "Um...I...know that? I'm...kidding?" But it was no big thing, so I let it slide.

One instance where she was justified was when she got a call from Nadia--I guess I've never written about her here, which is weird. She's this Pentacostal born-again Christian from Canada that Mel and I met a few months ago at a Baptist church here. She's always rubbed me the wrong way--she's enthusiastic about her faith and that's awesome. However, she's naive and I think the best phrase to describe her would be 'So heavenly bound, she's no earthly good'. So, when Mel hung up with her, I half-jokingly said, "What's Nadia up to? Being crazy?"

And Mel got very stern and was like, "You shouldn't talk about Nadia like that. She's not crazy." And she's right, I was out of line, and I apologized.

But in the past couple days, she's been particularly prickly. Two days ago I was in the studio with Mel and Sarah, and I hadn't eaten all day, and it was about 4 pm. Mel and I were about to go home, and I don't even know what I did to prompt it, but Melissa volunteered, a little snottily, "When you don't eat you get really irritable and everyone can see it." Sarah and I were both really stunned, and later, Sarah said that I handled it very well.

Last night was probably the most tense, though. She had just returned from a non-date (in her opinion) with an Italian boy, and she told us all that he offered to drive us all up to the countryside this weekend if we wanted. Everyone was really into it, but I gave Mel a 'maybe', because I have a SHIT TON of work to do (and so does she) before our show on the 6th. She gave me a little pushback but let it go. A few minutes later she says, "You better come this weekend."

I was surprised at her forcefulness, "Why?"

She said something to the tune of "You just should."

I replied, a little saltily, I'll admit, "No. I don't have to do it because you're telling me to. I have a lot of work to do this weekend. I'm not saying no, I just need to think about it."

She immediately looks down and remarks, "Well, YOU'RE in a bad mood tonight."

And I'm pleased to say I had the right reply to shut her down for the evening: "No, I'm not. I've eaten today and everything!"

And I said it all with a smile. Emily later said that she thought I was kidding around.

I know Melissa gets impatient with my matter-of-factness (unlike, say, Robin, who finds it charming, for some reason. :P). But there is a better way to handle it than to try and 'humble' me in front of our friends.

Christine's brother left this morning for Australia (for a giiiiirl) after a week in our apartment, so last night was 'Get-To-Know-Jim' night. I heard about his high school sweetheart, his first time (the girl [not the sweetheart, actually] was a recent ex, then jumped into bed with another guy the same night--ouch), his bitchy cheating ex, and his current girlfriend, who has an eating disorder and moved out of the house at 16 because her family life is crazy. But yeah, I always end up having these deep, serious conversations, which I like. It's just funny knowing I'll probably never see him again, and I know all this stuff about him.

Okay, today is Etching and Painting Conservation Lecture. Then MORE drawing--I intend to get all the final penciling done tonight, so I can get to inking tomorrow. Yippee! :P

Hope you guys are doing well! Love you and miss you.

-A.

Because I was too distracted and forgot to post this last night.

To-Do:

-Pack, pack, pack.
*clothes/shoes (begun)
*art supplies
*books (begun)
*furniture
-Dinner with my grandparents.
-Go to the bank.
-Target avec Drea and Em.
-Watch Pride and Prejudice/Wizard People, Dear Reader. (Looks like neither will happen--ah well, there's always Christmas.)
-Say my buh-byes.

:(

Time is going so fast, and SO SLOW.

So fast because there's a month left before we all split up again--we have less than three weeks together before school--and slow because you guys aren't home yet!

We have to stretch the time we have together out as far as we can. I don't care if I sleep in that time, I just want to spend time with all of you.

Lacie and Brian broke up, and I'm semi-avoiding Lacie right now. She apparently took it well, but I just want this to be over. That's another reason time is going so slowly. I can't get away from this situation quickly enough.

It's like, I can't even pinpoint why I'm mad. I'm furious with her, but why? I can't articulate it. I'm mad because she's crazy. That sounds ridiculous! I'm mad because she doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut. I'm mad because she wants everyone to tell her what to do and how to get better, but she wants to do it on her own terms. She wants help and she doesn't. A great deal of her revels in her Crazy. I'm mad because she's selfish, but she pretends she's not. I'm mad because she disappears. I'm mad because she's so damn put-upon. I'm mad because she thinks she's Cinderella. I'm mad because, as well as she's doing physically, she's so far gone mentally, I can't even know what will happen when she moves in with Rachel. I'm mad because she's going to live with Rachel. I'm mad that she won't listen to me, but is constantly after my counsel. I'm mad because she doesn't REALLY want to hear my thoughts, she just wants me to agree with her when she says Abby Maurice is going to steal Brian or whatever bullshit she's come up with. I'm mad because I think she's lying to me.

I'm also mad at myself because I think she's lying. I feel terrible because no one would/should lie about what I think she is lying about.

I'm also mad that I've been alone all summer. I'm not mad at any of you--I love you, and we all have lives, naturally. But I've been so unbelievably lonely and stressed out. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. This is the third time I've cried today (Although I could attribute this to my period). Last night I hung out with Brian and three of "Lauren's Friends", sans-Lauren, and it was the most fun I've had since you guys left. I ESCAPE to work. I only feel calm in my house when I'm alone in it.

I don't feel like I'm being taken care of by the people that are available to me. I'm not being taken care of by my friends or my family. I'm being taken care of by my co-workers, and my sister's friends, and my friend's now ex-boyfriend.

I'm so sad, and I don't know how not to be right now, and that's so scary to me. You guys know I'm not a sad person. You guys know me better than anyone right now. I just want to be with you, and be away from all of this Crazy. My mom's Crazy, my sister's Crazy, Lacie's Crazy, lonely Crazy. Even my own Crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy on my own here. Thank God we live in modern civilization with phones and blogs so I can keep myself anchored to you all, but MAN, has this been challenging.

You know, this was going to be an excited blog? I am so excited about you guys coming home, and look what it deteriorated into! Some dramatic blogging by yours truly. :P

I hate to be this heavy. You guys know how much I love to be upbeat and everything. And I am okay--I will be fine! Promise! Hurry back! :D

Love,
Alyssa

I'm so furious right now.

As those of you closest to me know, Lacie (the subject of my angry-ranty-metaphor-post) has been living with me and my family for the past few days, due to an unfortunate incident regarding her parents. That incident being, they are shit at being parents. Me and my mom took her into my home and I'm glad I could be there for her.

Unfortunately, I've had to work, and it's hard to engage with Lacie's issues 24 hours a day. Yesterday, Lauren had the good grace to bestow on me her opinion that it seems like I don't care about Lacie and her numerous plights, and that I haven't been spending enough time with her.

After putting my eyes back in my head/reattaching my jawbone, I calmly told Lauren that that was her opinion, and she was entitled to it, and moved on, although it stung.

Today, I was reading about some horrible tragedies regarding sexual assault in the newspaper. I shared my horror with Lacie and Lauren, and for some reason, Lacie didn't think I was being sincere in my feelings about the crimes. In fact, she told me I took sexual assault too lightly, and that I didn't realize they were real people that actually went through these crimes. She told me I just read about it and went along like it didn't. I told her that she was mistaken, I do take it seriously, but I can't change the past, and I don't intend to dwell on it.

She went on to say (yell) that these things happen every day, but we don't need to bring them up and talk about them. (WTF?) I replied that we can't ignore that they happened, and that I was sorry for upsetting her. She said 'Sorry' back, and I said 'Good', and I walked out, because if I had spent one more second with her, she wouldn't have had a head anymore.

Maybe I expect too much from someone living as outside of reality as she is, but after all I've done for her--taken on her burdens, opened my heart and my home, fielded insane phone calls--she baldly accuses me of not caring about people in those kinds of situations.

In my opinion, she has equated herself with other victims, and has deluded herself into thinking that I don't care about her situation. It's manipulative and insulting. I'm all she has and all she has shown me is ingratitude and disrespect.

This is like being hit with a brick, and I'm not about to sit here and take it like a good little mute. She is out of line and I intend to tell her so.