Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I have this bad habit of weaving these elaborate fantasies and letting myself believe they have roots in reality. Or, perhaps, the roots are in reality, but I sprinkle this Fantastical Miracle-Gro on them that makes it sprout into something that is very pretty, but ultimately fabricated.

Then again, I'm hard on myself--even my friends think he's shown interest.

Let me get to the point: last night, I saw Hector, and he invited me to a movie/party at Ian's (Robin's freshmen roomie and my first MICA crush) place. We went on a walk through Bolton Hill beforehand, and he called Ian to confirm the plans, and mentioned that he was with me. I invited Robin, Emily, and Jen, and we all went and had a really great time. Hector had to go back to Virginia for the night, so I asked if I could walk him out. He said yes--and not in a hesitant or grudging way--so I walked him out. I have to say, I was pretty tipsy. As soon as Ian's apartment door closed, Hector started power-walking out. I asked what was with the Speedy McSpeedster-ness, and he just mumbled that he "always walks fast when he's tipsy". Me: WHAT?

So, we get out to his car, and he opens his door and stands behind it. "Well, I'll see you later." Me: "Um...are you not going to hug me goodbye?" He hugs me--and not a weenie, lame hug either, a good one. I remind him about our lunch plans, and then he hesitates: "Well, I'm supposed to have lunch with Ian and Eileen when I get back..." Me: "Well, whenever you can." And he left.

UGH. I felt like an idiot for the rest of the evening--I'm trying to take into account that Hector is quiet and reserved, but this is still confusing. I even went so far as to talk to Ian about it, which was actually really funny:

Me: "Sooo...I have a megacrush on Hector."
Ian: "Psh, I know."
Me: "WHAT?! HOW?"
Ian: "When he told me he was with you tonight, when he called me."
Me: "HAS HE SAID ANYTHING?!"
Ian: "No, but I think he likes you."
Me: "???!?!?!?!"
Ian: "You're his type, you know?"
Me: "KO$ M)IF&^K FP W%$GR?!!"
Ian: "Don't sweat it--you could probably just tell him, haha!"
Me: "No, you really don't understand--"
Ian: "But he hasn't said anything to me, or I'd tell you. See ya!"
Me: *reduced to a ridiculous, quivering mass of nervous laughter*

So, that buoyed my spirits for about ten minutes, then I got into The Flat (our new nickname for our now London-themed apartment--my room is Little Italy) with Jen and Emily and I got really frustrated with myself, because of the first paragraph of this entry. I have mentioned here before that I have the tendency to not let myself be sad--I belittle my own upsettedness because I know that I do this stupid fantasy thing and I need to train myself not to.

I force myself to be fine--"I'll be fine tomorrow, I know I'm being stupid, this is dumb." People always tell me, "You're allowed to be upset, this isn't your fault. Feel what you feel." But I can't. At least not until I'm in private, and even then I berate myself. My mom gave me some advice as an adolescent for when I ran into small-to-medium frustrations or troubles: "Let yourself be a complete mess for 24-36 hours, then let it go." Now, I don't like being a mess at all, especially when I don't deserve it. There is NO REASON for me to be upset. NOTHING HAPPENED!

Bah. Why do the guys I like feel lukewarm about me, but the guys who like me are the ones I feel lukewarm about? Jen and I were lamenting that fact yesterday afternoon. Why can't I fall for someone who can fall for me so completely? Emily was great about that--she assured me that I should never settle. She told me I'm amazing, and should be with a guy who knows and acknowledges that.

But enough. I'm now concentrating my energies into getting Robin a date, which seems to be going well thus far. :) I pushed the baby bird out of the nest and he's starting to fly! (I'm lame and cheesy. :P)

Funny aside: After seeing me with both Robin and Hector, Emily hesitantly said: "I can't really see you with anyone but..."

"Robin?" Jen helpfully supplied.

"Yeah," she admitted guiltily. Aw, Em. :)

Also, hilarious. :D

:D

Okay! After a few days of suspense, I finally got to see Hector yesterday evening!

It was sort of funny, really. He arrived Sunday night--I'm not sure what time--but I didn't get to see him. The next morning, Emily W. went to graduate orientation. Mid-morning I realized Hector must be orienting as well, and lurked around campus like a creep for a couple hours hoping to spot his tour group. I'm dumb. :P

Naturally, I didn't see him, so I went home for a little while and tried to work. In that time, Hector had tweeted a photo of his vantage point at the graduate luncheon--he was sitting directly behind Emily! I tweeted him back about it, remarking on the coincidence, and he asked why she hadn't said hello, and broke the news that he would be leaving for VA that night! Emily got home at about 3:30, and I mentioned the exchange--she'd recognized Hector, actually, and had meant to say hi, but got caught up in her day, which is fine, of course, but she promised to introduce herself at the graduate dinner at 6 pm.

So, I went to the MICA store and bought a new sketchbook, then arranged myself in the park, in the shade of a tree, to sketch for awhile before Robin called, then Paul called! He's back in Baltimore, and he met me in the park before I ushered him back to my apartment to meet Emily. After a little while, Jen got home, and the three of us goofed around while Emily got ready to go back for dinner. Close to 7 pm, my phone rang. Dum-duh-duh-DUM! Triumph!

I answered, trying not to sound too eager, and Hector told me that Emily had introduced herself, and that she suggested that he come say hey--so he did! He had arrived outside at that point, so we hung up, and I hurled myself into the living room at Jen and Paul: "OMG HECTOR'S DOWNSTAIRS!", then hurled myself out of the apartment before patting my hair and proceeding calmly (but cutely) down the stairs to open the door for him. We hugged, and I showed him up to the apartment. We sat at the kitchen table and he acknowledged that it was a little weird to be with me in person, after texting and tweeting all this time. But it was comfortable and nice and we talked about our families and crazy parents and hometowns and favorite places and thesis.

He talked more than I did, which was welcome, but he listened intently to all my insanity, and he LOVED the chart on the fridge that I made about all of the Apartment 6 drama that took place amongst Rybin VanSchachlin (one link per syllable) last fall. We talked about art and his new apartment (it was nice, he was using phrases like "When you see the apartment", etc.), and he stayed about an hour. And OF COURSE, in the last two minutes of our visit, he says something about the force behind believing. I say: "I believe a lot of things." His response? "Oh, well, I don't believe in anything." UUUUGH. ANYWAY. When I walked him out, I told him we should make lunch plans for the following week, once he gets back from Virginia. He answered, "Absolutely." :D

SO, he left, and Emily returned about an hour and a half later. I immediately informed her that she's a saint, and she told me how it went down: she approached him at the dinner, and introduced herself, and mentioned that I'd shown her Ink, and that's how she knew who he was (and not through my massive crush). They laughed about the Twitter-related coincidence of sitting near each other at the luncheon, and apparently Hector remarked that the Twitter stuff is "this passive-aggressive thing [he and I] do". Hmmm. Then HE asked if I was around and what I was doing, and when Emily said I was at the apartment just hanging out. So HE said that he should stop by, which she obviously encouraged. So he did! Yay! :)

Yeah, I really don't want to wait a week to talk to him again, BUT, he'll be here all year. So.

Woo!

Classes start in less than a week. WTF. Hopefully I can get everything done!

Love,

A.

Returning to the Recent Past and other kinds of Time-Travel.

Lauren and Abby picked me up from the bus station when Robby died, and one of the first conversations we had was about his idea of the afterlife. Lauren, being as close with Robby as she was, was lucky enough to get a packet of photocopied pages directly from Robby last summer--the packet, according to Robby, summed up his ideas and beliefs about God and the world around us.

I got the chance to skim it the day before the funeral--Lauren had left it out on her bed, having finally gotten around to reading it. I'm afraid I don't remember specifics, but I remember the bulk of it having to do with reconciling God and Science into Order--to be neither purely scientific or purely religious in name. The phrase 'God of Order' was used a lot.

The point is, Lauren was vehement about Robby's salvation--"I can't believe that he's in Hell. I cannot believe that." And I agreed. But how does one get around that niggling Biblical message? John 3:16 and everything we learned about in Sunday school?

I've been coming across a few interesting passages on this subject lately, including this entry from a blog called Growing Up Lane, written by two young Catholic sisters:

"Vatican II teaches that 'Those who, through no fault of their own, do not know the gospel of Christ or his church, but who nevertheless seek God with a sincere heart, and moved by grace, try in their actions to do his will as they know it through the dictates of their consciences—those too may achieve eternal salvation (LG 16).' Also, in the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) we find this: 'Every man who is ignorant of the gospel of Christ and of his Church but seeks the truth and does the will of God in accordance with his understanding of it can be saved. It may be supposed that such persons would have desired baptism explicitly if they had known its necessity' (CCC 1260).

God has written Himself into all of our hearts, and this is known to most people as conscience. Those who seek and have a conscious desire to do good, to respond to this knowledge of God in their heart, are participating in God’s plan and serving Him as faithfully as is possible for them. Just because they are ignorant of the source of the graces and salvation they may receive, it does not mean that they cannot attain them. This, however, is not an excuse for settling for what you have and refusing to further your knowledge of God. We must continually work to join ourselves with God as intimately as possible. As Catholics, we believe that this is reached as a member of the Church that was founded by Christ, and participating in the sacraments He has given us, most importantly joining in true communion with Him through the celebration of the Eucharist.
So, 'no salvation outside of the Church' means that salvation only comes from Christ through the Church, not that only members of the Church are saved."

I am no longer Catholic, of course, but I think this is a good sum-up. While, yes, the Bible says that salvation is only for those who believe in Christ and the promises of the Crucifixion and Resurrection, this leaves a lot of holes and possibilities ('What about the pygmies who've never heard of Jesus?!'). Obviously, we can't rely on the idea that Robby didn't know anything about God or Christianity--his parents are Christians, and I know they attended a Lutheran church (I'm pretty sure it was Lutheran) as children. But, knowing that God is merciful and gave us a brain to explore, paired with the idea of God "writing Himself onto our hearts" as our conscience--the bottom line is, God doesn't want us to fail.

Another thing--and hopefully this doesn't come off as morbid--but Robby's death was one without fault. It wasn't a car accident or suicide (blessedly). It was an Act of God--I would say, a specific event that serves to further God's will. This doesn't make it a pleasant endeavor--Robby's death was intensely painful--but it offers some explanation: God's plan working through the life and death of a young man seeking knowledge. I can only hope that this explanation doesn't cause anyone to blame God.

I was flipping through my History of Silence course notes yesterday morning as well, and found two quotes I wrote in that apply:

"Because you seek Me with your whole heart, I will let Myself be found." -God to Man

and

"In my practice, actively trying to find something: it becomes there." -Keenan, (a classmate of mine)



In other news, I got a random Facebook chat message from Lacie's older brother Wesley night before last. We've never spoken ten words to each other, so this was surprising (I thought it was Lacie, at first, but the conversation quickly proved to me that it wasn't.) So, we had a game of Scrabble and we talked about my thesis project. After he beat me by 100 points, heh, we said goodnight, and he told me to let him know the next time I visit NYC (he lives there now and his pursuing his doctorate of philosophy). Hold your horses--he lives with his long-time girlfriend in the city, so no romantic interest from either side. As if.

Things with Hector are...progressing. Nicely.



:)



I also got the chance to talk on the phone with Paul for the first time in forever! It was really awesome in all--it's been a LONG time--but of course, we had to breach the Marla/Me/Robin topic. And here I thought Paul was Mr. Neutral, which is apparently not the case. He took the opportunity to knock my legs out from under me: "Then I heard Marla's side of the story and was a lot less okay with the situation after that...but I'm not getting involved. It's none of my business." GRAAR.

I actually let it slide pretty well yesterday, but today I found myself really angry. Like, REALLY angry about it. I was at the point where I was almost totally cool with everything, then that little comment threw me off. Which should be a big hint that I wasn't really okay about it. I guess it's just frustrating that I continue to be the sole perpetrator in this, that my name is the one getting kicked around eight months later. Hm.

ANYWAY. I have an awesome week-and-a-half to look forward to: Emily W. moves in tomorrow and Hector gets back Sunday, then I have my last week of work, and THEN SIX FLAGS with Colin, his girlfriend Katie, Robin, Jen, Jess, Ben, and BETSY! It'll be so fun! I can't wait. Then school. CRAP.

But I AM excited, and I can't wait to see everyone! :D Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm working on a very important conversation. :P



Love,

-A.

Bringing me back to my Fall 2007 Shakespeare class...

The Passionate Shepherd to His Love
by Christopher Marlowe

Come live with me, and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That valleys, groves, hills and fields,
Woods, or steepy mountain yields.

And we will sit upon the rocks,
Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks
By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

And I will make thee beds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle,
Embroidered all with leaves of myrtle.

A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull,
Fair lined slippers for the cold,
With buckles of the purest gold.

A belt of straw and ivy buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs,
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me, and be my love.

The shepherds’ swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May-morning;
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me, and be my love.

And Sir Walter Raleigh's response:

If all the world and love were young,
And truth in every shepherd's tongue,
These pretty pleasures might me move
To live with thee and be thy love.

Time drives the flocks from field to fold,
When rivers rage and rocks grow cold;
And Philomel becometh dumb;
The rest complains of cares to come.

The flowers do fade, and wanton fields
To wayward winter reckoning yields:
A honey tongue, a heart of gall,
Is fancy's spring, but sorrow's fall.

The gowns, thy shoes, thy beds of roses,
Thy cap, thy kirtle, and thy posies
Soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten,—
In folly ripe, in reason rotten.

Thy belt of straw and ivy buds,
Thy coral clasps and amber studs,
All these in me no means can move
To come to thee and be thy love.

But could youth last and love still breed,
Had joys no date nor age no need,
Then these delights my mind might move
To live with thee and be thy love.

Bethany Beach!

Most of you know I spent Friday-Monday at Bethany Beach in Delaware with John's family (after my minor-to-moderate eff-up of missing the Thursday night bus)--I had a marvelous time.

I met his whole maternal side--the Orsinis (Mrs. J's brother Rick, his wife Karen and their four young'uns: Ricky, twins Cassie and Brianna, and baby Nicky), the Cunninghams (Mrs. J's younger sister Nancy, her husband Ken, and 16-year-old twins Tom and Matt), and the Schmermunds (Mrs. J's older sister Janet, her husband Bob, son Richie and his fiancée Mandee (both 20) and daughter Kat (24) and her cute boyfriend Doug. [Bobby (22) is their brother, but he didn't come.]). BAM. All from memory.

Anyway, my first evening was easy, because we had crabs that night for dinner, and it's hard to be self-conscious while eating crabs. :P

Mandee and Richie arrived that night, and since the two of them are so close in age to John and I, we ended up bonding over the next few days--the next day at the beach was PERFECT weather. Sunny but not too hot, and the water was SO WARM. IT was wonderful, except that John is a killjoy who refuses to swim. Jerk. But we DID have a nice beach walk and talked some stuff out, which reinforced to me that I am not crazy, and when I mean something I'm usually saying it truthfully and accurately. I admit, I was a little vindicated after that conversation--it made me realize that it was more misunderstanding and none of the inadvertent leading-on-of-John it was made out to be.

I only suffered a tiny bit of sunburn on my back (even though I was wearing an SPF 50 sunscreen made for babies! Or "Baby 50" as we dubbed it during the trip). That'll teach me to try and sunscreen my back by myself. Ooops.

That night was the PIRATE MURDER-MYSTERY PARTY. It was so much fun and everyone got into it (save the Orsinis, who left that afternoon)--I was Alice Tremain, "shrewd and intelligent" first mate to 'Saucy' Nancy Martin (John's Aunt Nancy). It was a total blast, and I had a sexy costume and made some pretty amazing costumes for OTHERS on the fly. Even though I wasn't the MOST successful in the game (although there is no clear 'winner'), I had a lot of fun and it made me a lot more comfortable to talk to people I didn't really know (after all, you HAVE to be friends after plotting someone's death/fighting a duel/bargaining for a governor's pardon, right?).

The next day John and I stayed in--I read while he napped, and we went into town in the evening and bought him some sunglasses (I picked them out and he looks fabulous) and books, and a touristy t-shirt for me. :P

We had a big spaghetti dinner that evening, and after the grownups went to bed, Kat, Richie, Mandee, John, Anthony (John's younger brother), and I had a board game fest. We split into two teams (I was with Mandee and Richie) and we played Pictionary, Taboo, and Smart Mouth--it was a lot of laughs and a lot of fun ('TooT", "Dance Dance ___?" "In your Pants-Pants!"). :D

We made it to the beach the next morning and saw a pod of dolphins swimming close to shore. :) John and I shared my towel and read our books while Richie and Mandee played backgammon and Anthony watched. It was just really pleasant and relaxed. Mandee and I bonded about the recent engagement and upcoming wedding (Wooooo!) and over Gossip Girl, but disagree on hockey (boo, Caps!). And Richie attends the Naval Academy and is fun and funny and they're adorable and I'm going to stop gushing now before the cuteness starts coming out of my ears.

Although, I DID get the third degree from John's mom a bit. If you've been following mine and John's tumultuous history (:P), you know that I opened up the lines of communication with him mom when I went to NJ to see Harry Potter. I did this so I could erase the stigma of the flaky impression I'd given her based on my tentativeness towards John. But I was pretty stunned when she basically cornered me Monday morning: "How are you and John? I know you're staying just friends..."

It started out innocently enough; I apologized for the confusion--I hate looking flaky and lame. She was surprisingly abrupt. "I guess I was just wondering--why did you even come here? Did you just come to tell him you didn't want to be with him?"

"Uh, no, of course not. Honestly, I came because I selfishly wanted to meet and be accepted by your family. You're all wonderful."

"Why have you been bringing up Christine so much?" (As you may remember, Christine is John's ex who is pretty obsessed with the idea of getting back together, and is none-too-thrilled about the fact that I was invited to Bethany this year after only three months of a friendship, while she was only invited after four years of a relationship. Ooops.)

"Because it's funny." (Seriously! She kept calling!)

And out of NOWHERE, it gets personal: "What about you and Robin? You guys dated but you're still close." I'm not sure what she meant by this--maybe she thinks I'm still holding on to Robin how Christine is holding on to John? Which is NOT the case in the LEAST. Let's make that clear.

"He's my best friend. Yeah, we dated, but that was 1/5 of our time together. We're BEST FRIENDS."

"It just seems to me like you're waiting on someone else. Waiting to text or call someone else."

Now, I told John about Hector--writer of Ink and my current interest--during our beach walk, but he didn't mention that part to his mom. She's good.

"You're good. Yes, there is someone, but I'm not trying to make John hold out for me until it works out/doesn't work out with this other boy." Obviously.

"I'm not trying to be the interfering mom here, but he is my son. But if you guys are cool, I'm cool."

I did understand that, and I was too put-on-the-spot to really process, but later, talking to Jen, I realized that it was an overstep on her part. John and I are both adults. And we are, indeed, 'cool'. So, if a conversation like that happens again (which I doubt it will), I maaay have to be a little more firm.

But overall, the trip was excellent, and it was a great chance for me to meet and get to know new people and get closer to John and his family. :)

For those of you that never saw me in Ink, here's a link to the whole short film--it's about 20 minutes. Enjoy! :D

I'll update when something fun happens--only two weeks left until classes start! Both awesome and nerve-wracking.

Love,

-A.

P.S. I WANT:

Bad dreams.

I had two terrible dreams last night--if you follow my Twitter, you've already heard them:

In the first, which woke me at 5:30 AM, a girl my age comes to live with me and my family, and she has these awful, wet wounds on her throat and chest. She tells us it was a result of a wedding ceremony she performed at age 9 with the cult she belonged to--she had to make this reed and seagrass bib kind of thing that rotted away the skin on her chest, neck, and parts of her face. There were still pieces of the plants in the wound. :/ At one point, I tried to pull out the plants to clean it, and felt my own jaw start to blacken and rot--but I knew I was only feeling her disgust and pain. She was as sweet as anything, although she refused to see a doctor.

The second dream, which woke me an hour and a half later, is one I've had before. I start in a church, in the second row. I'm with my family and friends, and there's a group of guys in the row ahead of me. One looks back--he's a cute redhead with glasses and a beard (so indie :P)--and winks. I blush. For some reason, it's a 24-hour church service that starts at midnight. The group of guys goes to leave, and ask if we (my friends and I) intend to stay the whole time. I can't leave, so I watch them go (regretfully). Once they leave, however, I get the powerful feeling that they're going to die.

There's an in-between part that indicates some kind of X2-style mind control that causes under-thirties intense pain, but I can't remember much.

Now I'm in the house I lived in in eighth grade, on the street I lived on in sixth. I'm in my old bedroom with a female friend and her boyfriend, looking out the window at a blonde man in his early thirties. He's carrying a massive bow with arrows, waiting. My friend's boyfriend goes down to him--is he an ally? But it's too late for me to stop him--the blonde man shoots him, then looks up to see us in the window. He starts climbing up toward us, and I exit the other window, hoping my friend is close behind. I'm being chased by stocky guy in his mid-forties--he has a chainsaw (even in the dream I was like "Chainsaw, really?"). He chases me down by the first Sewickley house I moved into at age five, into my then-neighbor's back yard. The neighbor's three black dogs slow him, thankfully, and I hide behind a stone wall that faces the porch. Unfortunately for yours truly, he sees me behind the wall and says hello, even as I give him the universal "I'M NOT HERE." sign. I take off and try to hurdle over the fence, chainsaw guy feet behind me.

I woke up then, breathing hard. So upsetting. :( I hate bad dreams, especially when it seems I'm always getting chased.

V for...

VVVVVVVVVVVVVICTORY.



(Small, but a victory nonetheless.)


-A.

My new clothes.

We're just at a maybe for the top photo. (It's only a shirt.) I DID get the purple shirt and pink skirt.

Fear and Gravity.

I realized something last night and this morning:

I have a lot of fears about being abandoned, or alone, or not a priority in someone I love's life. Some of these fears are warranted, some aren't.

What I know is that I can't let these fears control me--I don't want to hold back because I'm worried it won't work out. However, I don't want to settle or compromise because that would be the absolute worst thing I could do as far as levying my fears. Sure, I won't be alone, but I would be denying myself--another fear.

My sister often says that I idealize love--I want "A Grand Romance" that is impossible to get. That could be very true.

I want someone to search and study and learn my face, not just look at it. I want them to be physically and intellectually attracted to me, to respect me.

The intensity of the delivery should always match the sentiment of the words.

And I want to feel that way back. Maybe my standards are intense--it's ridiculous when people tell me I'm reaching too high, because I know I'm great (unto myself, and not in comparison to anyone), and worth being loved the way I deserve, and I don't think it's out of line to demand that.

(But, of course, I do get nervous [fear, again!] that I'll settle.)

Ugh, there was something I thought of this morning that wrapped this up so much more neatly, but I can't remember it. I'll write it down as soon as I do and get back to you.

@@@

"I can't shrug you off."

"I'm too heavy--all the gravity [of my situation]. :P"

@@@

Love,

A.

I constantly break my own rules.

(ETA: I meant to post this yesterday, but it saved as a draft for some reason. Sorry!)

Firstly, go listen to DNA. I saw them live by accident--I was leaving work yesterday and they were playing on the ESPNZone Pier next door, so I stopped. There are three of them, and they do all of the techno/electronic stuff themselves live! They each play two or three instruments/devices each (guitars, keyboards, drums [electric and regular], laptops, cool sound-makery things). It's all executed with so much precision and life and energy and fun! If you're in Baltimore, they're playing at Recher Theater in Towson tomorrow night. Check it out.

Jen went to Long Island on Tuesday, just in time for Robin to arrive on Wednesday! We had a really, really good visit--We met at Penn Station when his bus got in, and he and I hung out with his roommate Michael for a little while before going back to my place, where Colin met us and we walked to The Brewer's Art (a little bar/restaurant-type place on Charles Street) in celebration of Robin's 21st on the fourth. After a hysterical re-telling of THE ROOM amongst ourselves and some DELICIOUS and HUGE hamburgers, we walked back to my apartment. Sarah C. (who lived in Italy when I did--I'm sure I've mentioned her here) came over and helped me lighten my hair even MORE (it's a light-golden-brown-bordering-on-blonde now--but it may be full-on Heigl blonde by September!) while we introduced her to THE ROOM. She loved it (OF COURSE).

Of course, no visit with Robs would be complete unless I watched him and Mike swear at each other about Tekken for an hour or so. :) We got breakfast together the next morning at On the Hill, and he saw me off to work. It was a short visit, but so good!

Six days 'til Bethany Beach with John and his fam, and only a few short weeks 'til school! Yay! I'm really looking forward to being back with my friends, having a social life, working the desk and SEEING ACTUAL STUDENTS. Getting back into artwork, as stressful and intense as that will be.

In other news, boys are confusing. :) BUT I CAN STICK IT. DON'T TEXT FIRST, ALYSSA.

I'm also seriously thinking of buying this, furthering my transformation into Audrey Hepburn.

Also, Brandon is visiting tomorrow! He's driving into Baltimore to see me! It should be nice to have someone else around in the apartment, especially someone cool. Maybe I'll show him THE ROOM, too? Lauren and her friends saw it (YES) and ADORED it (while simultaneously hating it). Excellent.

I have the whole of next week off from Hard Rock to make room for desk shifts and Bethany. Woo!

An abrupt change of subject: I sense that I'm becoming the girl I simultaneously befriended and hated in high school (and still do now)--the one who gets used to being complimented/liked so that when someone doesn't rush to compliment her, she gets all freaked out. I HATE that I have traces of that in me after this summer. (This doesn't make the compliments I HAVE gotten any less wonderful--to the four boys who have told me I'm beautiful that read this. :P)

Love,

-A.

Hahahaha.

Alyssa

you know me

sluttiest of all the sluts

4:47pmHector

I think you become a whore after sometime.

4:47pmAlyssa

what does that even mean?

4:48pmHector

Its another tier level.

Slut is given to the girl that has sex in front of everyone at a party.

Whore is more of a business model.

I believe in anything that brings you back home to me.

I've been working my patoot off since I got back from Sewickley, but I wanted to recap the events of the week briefly, while I have a moment!

The most important thing about my first day home was seeing Brian, which I did. I won't reveal much about that interaction, because it was private and special. However, it was moving and amazing to hear the way he was speaking--eloquently and simply and so honestly. Tragic and lovely.

He invited me the next day with Lauren and Abby to his cousin Lucy's house to put together some photographs of Robby for the viewing and funeral. A lot of family and friends were there, which was really touching and fun, and there was a lot of laughter--Robby was hilarious, after all--and the photos were great. Brian and Robby were dressed alike in all of the childhood photos. :)

The viewing itself was terribly sad. I arrived early, around 3:30 pm, and put a letter in the casket alongside Lauren and Abby. I watched family and friends approach the casket and leave gifts and notes and touch his arm and hair. I reconnected with Mike, Lacie's ex and my LONG ago high-school crush--he was particularly comforting to me, who didn't really know where I fit as far as closeness, and made me feel integrated. See, I'm close to Brian and Lucy and Abby, and Mr. Hague was one of my favorite teachers. I've hung out in their house, in Robby's room. Watched movies and hockey games and clip shows Robby put together. But I wasn't close to Robby, not really. Although, I realize now he always remembered to tag me in his silly Facebook photos of casts of his favorite shows. :)

I got a taste of justice as Brian, Abby, Mike, and I walked home from the post-viewing reception--we were about to cross Sewickley's main street when I saw a tall girl in a ridiculous brunette wig approach us, with a boy, from the side. Lacie. I ignored her, but I could feel Abby seize up in the same way I did directly behind me. "Mike Kerr!" Lacie called from the corner as we walked away from her.

Mike turned and waved, then shrugged--he had no idea who it was. Brian rubbed the bridge of his nose and asked, "Who was that?"

"LACIE," Abby and I practically whisper-shrieked back. It was almost too perfect--two of her ex-boyfriends, an old enemy in Abby, and me, the ex-bff.

But enough about her.

There was a reception the next morning for two hours before the funeral, and I saw a lot of teachers and old classmates, including Harton--the unattainable-senior-to-my-dorky-freshman--who kissed me on the cheek in greeting, surprisingly enough.

I made myself talk to the two most difficult people for me to approach--Robby's girlfriend Andrea and Mr. Hague. Andrea was easier--polite but responsive to my condolences. I put of Mr. Hague until the last moment, as the crowd was thinning and funneling into the sanctuary. I tried to put a kind but not-too-mushy sentence together: "Mr. Hague, look, I can't stay for the whole service, but--"

I got cut off. HE hugged ME. And thanked me. It was the most gratifying experience of my life.

The funeral itself was beautiful--I was reduced to a practical puddle the entire time. I actually ended up sitting towards the back next to Liz--MY old high school rival. She was sweet and generous to me, though, and even held my hand when I really started crying. I was lucky enough to stay for all of the eulogies before Robert picked me up. Robby's best friends JJ and Caleb spoke, and Robby's favorite aunt, and his stepdad, and Andrea, and Annie, Brian, and Mr. Hague. Each eulogy was heartfelt and perfect.

It rained that day--a cleansing rain.

I got to see a few other friends while I was home, Brandon and Emily and Joey V. Every visit was really wonderful--I've missed home and my friends. I feel disconnected from my self-appointed position of 'protector' at home and with friends. At this point, I'm pushing through the month of August (holy eff, it's AUGUST) until my friends arrive and MICA starts up again. I know I'll be complaining about work and thesis then, but anything is better than waiting.

I also have a new roommate--she moved into Betsy's room and I moved back into my old one. Her name is Emily Wade, and she's from Lynchburg, VA. She's a Christian in the way that Melissa and I are--not a casual believer. It's going to be so nice to have that companionship.

Two hours 'til I have to head out for work. Blah.

Love,

-A.