Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I have this bad habit of weaving these elaborate fantasies and letting myself believe they have roots in reality. Or, perhaps, the roots are in reality, but I sprinkle this Fantastical Miracle-Gro on them that makes it sprout into something that is very pretty, but ultimately fabricated.

Then again, I'm hard on myself--even my friends think he's shown interest.

Let me get to the point: last night, I saw Hector, and he invited me to a movie/party at Ian's (Robin's freshmen roomie and my first MICA crush) place. We went on a walk through Bolton Hill beforehand, and he called Ian to confirm the plans, and mentioned that he was with me. I invited Robin, Emily, and Jen, and we all went and had a really great time. Hector had to go back to Virginia for the night, so I asked if I could walk him out. He said yes--and not in a hesitant or grudging way--so I walked him out. I have to say, I was pretty tipsy. As soon as Ian's apartment door closed, Hector started power-walking out. I asked what was with the Speedy McSpeedster-ness, and he just mumbled that he "always walks fast when he's tipsy". Me: WHAT?

So, we get out to his car, and he opens his door and stands behind it. "Well, I'll see you later." Me: "Um...are you not going to hug me goodbye?" He hugs me--and not a weenie, lame hug either, a good one. I remind him about our lunch plans, and then he hesitates: "Well, I'm supposed to have lunch with Ian and Eileen when I get back..." Me: "Well, whenever you can." And he left.

UGH. I felt like an idiot for the rest of the evening--I'm trying to take into account that Hector is quiet and reserved, but this is still confusing. I even went so far as to talk to Ian about it, which was actually really funny:

Me: "Sooo...I have a megacrush on Hector."
Ian: "Psh, I know."
Me: "WHAT?! HOW?"
Ian: "When he told me he was with you tonight, when he called me."
Me: "HAS HE SAID ANYTHING?!"
Ian: "No, but I think he likes you."
Me: "???!?!?!?!"
Ian: "You're his type, you know?"
Me: "KO$ M)IF&^K FP W%$GR?!!"
Ian: "Don't sweat it--you could probably just tell him, haha!"
Me: "No, you really don't understand--"
Ian: "But he hasn't said anything to me, or I'd tell you. See ya!"
Me: *reduced to a ridiculous, quivering mass of nervous laughter*

So, that buoyed my spirits for about ten minutes, then I got into The Flat (our new nickname for our now London-themed apartment--my room is Little Italy) with Jen and Emily and I got really frustrated with myself, because of the first paragraph of this entry. I have mentioned here before that I have the tendency to not let myself be sad--I belittle my own upsettedness because I know that I do this stupid fantasy thing and I need to train myself not to.

I force myself to be fine--"I'll be fine tomorrow, I know I'm being stupid, this is dumb." People always tell me, "You're allowed to be upset, this isn't your fault. Feel what you feel." But I can't. At least not until I'm in private, and even then I berate myself. My mom gave me some advice as an adolescent for when I ran into small-to-medium frustrations or troubles: "Let yourself be a complete mess for 24-36 hours, then let it go." Now, I don't like being a mess at all, especially when I don't deserve it. There is NO REASON for me to be upset. NOTHING HAPPENED!

Bah. Why do the guys I like feel lukewarm about me, but the guys who like me are the ones I feel lukewarm about? Jen and I were lamenting that fact yesterday afternoon. Why can't I fall for someone who can fall for me so completely? Emily was great about that--she assured me that I should never settle. She told me I'm amazing, and should be with a guy who knows and acknowledges that.

But enough. I'm now concentrating my energies into getting Robin a date, which seems to be going well thus far. :) I pushed the baby bird out of the nest and he's starting to fly! (I'm lame and cheesy. :P)

Funny aside: After seeing me with both Robin and Hector, Emily hesitantly said: "I can't really see you with anyone but..."

"Robin?" Jen helpfully supplied.

"Yeah," she admitted guiltily. Aw, Em. :)

Also, hilarious. :D