A little venting that's been building up over nearly three and a half years. (Also, template re-do!)

I’ve always doubted my talent in the visual arts. I’m quite sure of my singing talent, and decently confident in my acting abilities (usually), but I’ve never quite sat comfortably with my art.

I like my art just fine, for the most part, but it’s difficult to attend such an amazing school where you see so many fantastic people making this gorgeous, seemingly effortless work constantly. MICA does a good job of not fostering a comparative or competitive spirit, particularly within the illustration department, but I’ve always had that tendency without any help. I have a very hard time not comparing myself to my fellow classmates, for better or for worse (usually for worse).

I acknowledge that I am absolutely not the most talented student in my year and major. Most days I’m not sure I’m even in the top 50%, which is disheartening, as I’ve chosen this for my career. My mom (oh, moms) assures me I’m way too hard on myself, but I’m not so sure. After all, she isn’t here all the time, seeing what I see. Plus, she’s my MOM.

I get disappointed in myself. I know a large part of my disappointment has to do with my own lack of work ethic, which is a start. This is an issue I need to solve, and soon. However, people outside of the art community don’t seem to understand how difficult and time-consuming art really is. Try having to complete multiple pieces within a week or two. These artworks must be smart, conceptual, beautiful, individual, and perfectly-crafted. I admit, I wasn’t aware of what art was going to demand of me when MICA first accepted me.

When I arrived home after my first semester at MICA, most of my friends asked a similar question: ‘How do you grade art?’ With all of the things I mentioned above; all the effort and intelligence and beauty. Sort of like Miss America. Haha, just kidding. Miss Americas aren’t intelligent. :P

It’s a challenge, and it’s often a really fun challenge. Sophomore year was the most fun for me—the projects were usually small, quirky, useful assignments: editorial, mostly. My Narrative Illustration class helped me turn out some of my best work because I’m passionate about characters and stories. It’s a good feeling, seeing your work improve. But it’s hard to keep that confidence up when that improvement still hasn’t raised you to a level where you can compete professionally with your collegues.

I nurse a strange paranoia in myself. At MICA—at any art school—we critique artwork. Not only in class, but amongst ourselves—we rank out who can draw and who can’t. I have this feeling that my closest friends at MICA (exceptionally talented designers and artists in their own right) privately think of me as the least talented among us. I may be entirely out of my mind in thinking that (actually most of my friends haven’t seen my work due to this very insecurity), but it’s a feeling I can’t shake.

To change tack, I’m not sure I can say that I’m passionate about art. Maybe about portraits. I’m not sure I can say I’m passionate about MY art. I enjoy doing it, certainly, and I often like what I do. I love looking at beautiful art, but I’m the first to say I’m a strict classicist with little to no interest in contemporary fine art. I’ve felt passionate about people and about singing, but I’m not sure I’ve felt that same rush about art. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never really expressed myself artistically.

The closest I’ve ever come to doing so was in a thirty-page comic book/diary I drew while I was in Florence, Italy this past Spring. It was funny and cute and sometimes sad, and my artwork made some huge strides, and I was happy with the product, but I’m hesitant to call what I do ‘expressive’.

Or maybe I’m just being a giant WEENIE. Thoughts?

Thanksgiving was lovely (the soup went over well!) and TOO SHORT. But I can’t wait for this semester to be over so I can take John home to my family! :D

I got to talk to Em and Drea this week, for the first time in a babillion years. I’ve been realizing lately how close I am to them, and how much closer I’ve stayed to them as my MICA friends have shifted. I love you guys!

Overall, I’m happy, if stressed with all the effing work I have to do before the semester’s end:

-At least 15 pages of thesis work done, plus a few pages inked plus final critique.
-10 page paper for Art and Architecture of Ancient Egypt plus a final exam.
-Objectivity final exam.
-ArtMarket and final Lab critique.

BLAH.

Wish me luck.

Lots and lots of love,
-A.

In a few short hours...

I shall be on my way to New Jersey with my wonderful boyfriend for the Thanksgiving holidays! I could not be happier about this than if he were coming home with me! (As I've met his family and he's only met my mom and godparents.)

This year, so John tells me, will be a smaller Thanksgiving dinner-guest wise (his aunts and uncles come for hors d'ouvres and then go elsewhere for dinner most years), but I'm still aiming to impress, so I decided to make a yummy-looking Butternut Squash-Apple soup for the table (courtesy of the awesome Orangette)! I'm pretty excited to try it--I've never really cooked for anyone aside from my family or roommates before. Wish me luck!

I'm equally happy about the break from school (although I'll still be attempting to draw for thesis--we'll see how that goes). This morning was VERY hectic, as I was working on the final touches for my book for Whitney Sherman for The Lab, then sending it out to Lulu with an extra kick in the pants for shipping--both set me back more than I'd hoped, but hopefully these will sell! I ordered ten books (so if they don't sell I won't have spent hundreds of dollars), and intend to hand make covers (because Lulu.com doesn't like the image I wanted for my cover and never let it be the size I wanted. But whatevs). Wish me luck on that, too, because ArtMarket is only two weeks away! So much to do! And then, in three and a half teensy weeks, I'll be halfway done with my senior year. WHAT.

I'm done packing and ready to go! Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Be thankful! (and not just for food!)

Love,

A.

Chit-Chat.

It seems like I've been immersed in unusual talks with unusual people lately--Lacie and I reconnected recently in Facebook messages. Not with any overt affection on my part, although it is good to hear that she's doing better. It's nostalgic, but I have no intention of bringing our friendship back to what it once was.

On the flip side, John's ex, Christine, has been making a serious effort to do...SOMETHING I can't put my finger on. Just being nebby. A mutual friend says, "She's just jealous and wants to know what's going on." (As if I'd tell her.) Lacie summed up the situation from Christine's point-of-view rather well, actually: "Hey, I know you have something to do with my ex-boyfriend--comparing you to me, you're not totally ugly and that threatens me so let me befriend you as to assure myself that I am, in some way, better than you and can come to terms with the fact that you are in the picture."

Either way, it's been amusing, but annoying and pathetic. Time to move on (although she apparently has a new boyfriend). Today is dedicated to working that out. Wish us luck!

Otherwise, the play is going very well (November 13th and 14th if you can make it!), things with work are slow (on my part), but good, and I'm so unbelievably happy with John I can't even express it. :D On that note, I'm going to New Jersey to spend Thanksgiving with John and his family, so I won't see you Sewickley people! :( BUT, I'll be bringing John back with me for the first part of Winter Break so you all can meet him! Excitement!

I've even been hearing from some of you, which is great! (Em, I'll call again today.) Drea! Where are you, dear?!

ALSO. Hilarious news. Drea C. won a beauty pageant representing my birthplace of Reading, PA. I guess getting discovered on her own wasn't enough, so she's going for Miss America! Hysterical! Check it out here.

John gets home today from a weekend visit to his family! Yay! :) Then play practice, then actual work.

Muah--

Love,

-A.

Hopefully the Summer of Death has passed on as well...

It's been an emotional week over here--my Aunt Suzanne, who was diagnosed with cancer in May, died on Tuesday at about 5 AM--my Dad called me while I was in class, and there was this moment of confusion: 'Why is he calling? We just talked a few days ago...' Then it struck me that Suzanne must have died--he'd mentioned in the last call that there wasn't much longer. I slipped out of class and listened to the voicemail he left--sure enough, she'd died. I called him back, and he told me he and Lisa were the last people to see her--they tucked her in around midnight. She's being cremated, so he said he'd call back when they had plans for a memorial--it didn't have to be right away because she isn't being interred.

I was sad for Dad, and for Suzanne's live-in boyfriend and his son. It's odd, because I was out-of-town for the entirety of Suzanne's treatment, save Robby's funeral, and I barely saw my DAD that weekend, let alone had the chance to visit Suzanne. It's like it didn't happen.

I'm not super-close to my Dad's family, but Suzanne was absolutely the aunt that made the most effort with us. Remembered our birthdays, etc. She, like the rest of Dad's side, had her major issues, but she was fun and sweet and good-hearted.

The rest of the week was fine, if less productive than I'd have liked (story of my life)--John and I attended our first read-through on Saturday. It went well, although we all still have work to do. I need to learn how to make a British accent sound natural in two months' time. Get excited. And John and I were getting pretty excited about the trip to Annapolis we planned for this coming weekend to attend the Navy Homecoming football game with his family, even though we'd have to miss a rehearsal, which is whatever, because the game is a great opportunity to bond with John's people. (Again.) :)

Sunday was a particularly full day--Emily, John, and I got up early to go to the farmer's market with Melissa and a cute little junior named Mika, which was a lot of fun--we sang Disney songs. :D Afterwards, Em, John, Jen and I attended church. I was so thankful that Jen decided to attend with us, and to me complete joy, she loved it, and wants to keep coming with us! I'm really excited for that. The service itself was really great--we arrived a bit late, but we managed to integrate ourselves into the congregation during the sign of peace. Perfect timing. :P

The message was about poverty and wealth, and about the provisions of God, which is something I struggle with. I've been getting better about it, though! It was just good to have that reinforcement--God will always provide, and he has.

Dad called while I was in church--during the week, I talked to both Mom and Lauren about coming home for the service, etc. Lauren and I both expressed reluctance--it's inconvenient and expensive to get home, not to mention that we're not on the best terms with Dad. However, we also knew he'd take it as a personal insult if we were to explain that we're busy (I'm a senior in the midst of thesis. and Lauren is still getting used to a whole new school), and would take it out on us for months/years to come.

Dad left a voicemail, which I listened to after the service. As it turns out, the memorial service was planned for Saturday, the same day as the football game. :( Agonizing decision time. So, I called Lauren, who decided that she may as well go home for it (She also noted that I should "Just go to the game--repayment for all the times Dad bailed on us.", which is ungenerous, but not unfair.). Mom sympathized with me, and we weighed the options together (1. Have a fun weekend with my boyfriend's family and make sure Dad writes me out of his will. 2. Go home and sit in my Nana's parlor for an hour and half, hating life, but still ensuring $300 for Dad come Christmas).

The frustrating part was that I knew what I had to do, but it's very difficult to accept the fact that I would get no grace from him in this, and I honestly need the small sum he gives me every year for school. I hate having to depend on someone unreliable, but as pathetic as it is, I made the choice to go home and ensure that sum. Obviously John was understanding and encouraging (as he always is, the dear), but I was still pretty disappointed that I'd have to miss out on time with him and with his family, especially as The Girlfriend instead of The Mystery Friend-Thing. :P

I called Dad back, and without mentioning the game, told him that I intended to come home. He gave me a little relief by saying he'll be paying for my ticket home and back, which is nice, and I am starting to look forward to seeing Lauren and Brian (I miss making 'Why I Love Brian' posts--we haven't talked much lately) and Brandon, and Mom and KJ. I wouldn't have made it back until Thanksgiving, otherwise. And I do feel good about going back to be with Dad, even if it's hard to be the bigger person. I can do it and I'll try and be charitable.

As I mentioned in my last entry, John met my parents and godparents last weekend. It went quite well--Kathleen (my godmother) was completely charmed by him ("He's CATHOLIC?!! How wonderful!") and while my godfather Dane and my Mom goofed on his nerdiness, they liked him a lot as well. Mom came to Baltimore on the evening of the 14th and had dinner with John and I, which also went well, and I brought up the idea of bringing John home for Thanksgiving, which she was very receptive to. Unfortunately, John's mom was less into the whole thing, and put the kibosh on that pretty quickly, which I understood, as Thanksiving is her holiday in New Jersey, blahblahfamilytime.

However, despite her reluctance to let John travel one state over for Thanksgiving, she is apparently willing to pay for half of my plane ticket to go to England with John and two of our friends--they're going for Spring Break to visit John's friends from Bournemouth (where he studied this past spring). Now, this SOUNDS great, and I would love to be able to do it, but A) My mom is VERY against this idea ("You'd be traveling with a boy who is not your husband!"). Granted, I would go anyway, but that brings us to B) Even half a ticket is out of my price range.

My solution: Ask Dad for a Christmas/Graduation gift. :D Sounds perfect, right? Cue Aunt Suzanne's death. That sounds insensitive--I don't consider Suzanne's death a burden in that way--but truly, it is not the right time to be asking for money to be whisked away to Europe for a week. But who knows, maybe when I go home we'll talk about it.

But NOW, as this entry took me a day and a half to complete and post, it's time to go to my first one-on-one rehearsal with Kristin as Alice! It should be fun.

Love--

-A.

Five weeks. :)

This is both a scary and awesome prospect--I am so not ready! :/ But I know that even if I'm not ready, I'll be where I'm supposed to be once I step off the plane.

Thanksgiving break was wonderful. I saw Drea and Abby (yay!) and Brian, and the Ruzichs (minus Mr.) and QUAIDY, which made my life. :P I also gave Lauren an AWESOME birthday gift that she wanted--a (n illegally downloaded) copy of Rosetta Stone so she can learn German! Or Italian, if she so wishes. :)

I also ran into Rachel B. (groan) who tells me that Lacie has been up and down. I then spoke to Brandon who tells me she's even crazier than I had anticipated. Ah well, it's her life.

The highlights of my break though, were the evenings I spent with Robin and his friends Sam and Jessie et. al. Tuesday, the night I got home, was spent at Ritters with S and J, just getting reacquainted and having a nice time. THEN, on Saturday, Robin came to Sewickley and met Drea and Brandon and than we met up with S and J and got a group together to play first Cranium, then Spoons, and then Asshole and Quems. (card games). It was SO MUCH FUN. It was sort of nice to just let loose with some relative strangers. :D And, of course, it's always a pleasure to spend time with Robin. :)

Okay, a lot to do before the week is out.

TO DO:

-VISA, GOD DAMMIT.
-Hand in administrative MICA forms for study abroad.
-Do a five-page paper on Olympia by Manet. By tomorrow at 9 am. (More than doable, but annoying.)
-Shellac/Fire final ceramics project.
-Do nine two-hour drawings for José. By Thursday. (AAAAAH.)

Love you guys. :) Christmas season is here! (BTW, EMILY made me lose the game, like a jerk. So, you can all lose, too. :P)

-Alyssa

P.S. I intend to go to Drea C.'s 21st birthday. It's in the works--you won't be alone, Em! :P

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving with your families, friends, food, and football. I'm so thankful for the four of you:

Em: Even though you're outside of the US, I expect you to find some canned cranberries to put on a turkey sandwich today! Love you and I can't wait to see you!

Drea: I know being back here in Sewickley stirs up a lot of unpleasant feelings, but I hope that your time with your mom and siblings (and hopefully your dad) reassures you that you'll be fine, and you're doing great and have so much to be thankful for. :)

Ab-Fab: Hope this weekend's trip to Warren, OH will be action-packed and exciting! :P I know Greg's mom will adore you--say hi and happy birthday for me! Muah!

Bri: I know you're home and I'll hopefully see you before I go back to Maryland. Spending time with your family is always fun, and either way, you make fun times wherever you go! Have a great Thanksgiving. :D

I will be at my Mom's parents' place in a few hours, wishing I were with all of you instead! :P I watched the annual fox hunt take off from my dad's ex-stepmother's farm this morning, which was nice. (I saw Maureen Megan, who cut off all of her hair and now looks like a very hipster-y lesbian.)

Love you all!

-Alyssa

Copy/Paste

So, I went to Barnes and Noble about ten days ago with Robin, Sam, and Jessie. There was a cute guy who works there and we were checking each other out, but we left before I got a chance to catch him to get his number. SO, I went out on a limb and put out a 'Missed Connection' on Craigslist. Lo and Behold, ten days later--he e-mails me! He thought I was cute and remembered that I was wearing all black. So, we're getting coffee this weekend. I know, I know what you're all thinking.

BUT, it's just one date and, after a Facebook check, I'm not sure there'll be a second date. Besides, I leave in six weeks. :P

I came home from Robin's last night to a screaming fight between Jen and Betsy over Ryan. Betsy has had Ryan over (as friends) the past few days because they were helping each other with some art projects. Ryan agreed to model for some photos for Betsy, and Jen was FURIOUS to return home to find a shirtless Ryan getting crayon wax getting dripped on his face for a photo. So, she acted huffy for a little while, went to class, then came home and decided to tell Betsy to stop being friends with Ryan and to stop having him over. Generally being bitter and immature and overreactive BIG TIME. I just went into my room and LET IT GO. They tried to involve me at one point and I was like: "UM, NO. I'm not part of this." I just wanted to shout, "JEN. ARE YOU GOING TO BE MAD ABOUT DYLAN OR ABOUT RYAN. YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH. YOU CAN'T HAVE ALL THE LOVE AND ALL THE ANGER."

It was silly. But they both apologized once it wound down.

I stepped on my headphones yesterday. I'm very, very glad that Lauren is getting my new ones for my birthday. :)

How are all of you? Only a few more days 'til I get to see you! Love you. xoxo

-Alyssa