Also, because I am an IDIOT, and didn't mention this is my initial Patriot speech.

I voted for the first time! :D

It feels so good to do it, and I don't know why I didn't post about it when I sent the ballot out last week. I mailed it alongside a letter to Letta (and for Robin, a 'letta' to Letta. :P), because she's finishing up boot camp soon (she graduates on Halloween, appropriately). :)

As most of you can probably guess, I voted for McCain (duhr, because all of you have known me for more than two hours). I spend the bulk of yesterday morning watching Fox and MSNBC and the rallies going on around the US. Watching it more than reenforced my vote, especially that Biden interview in Florida. 2:18 is the climax, but you can watch it all and have a pretty good idea of the situations.



While the anchor was (VERY) blunt in her questioning (and a little less polite than I would prefer, but this is politics), it's very interesting that Obama's camp has subsequently cut off all interviews with that station until the election is over. Really guys? Are the questions all that surprising? Maybe it's because the media has been kissing your ass this whole time, glossing over the crap.

The bulk of Obama's presentation in Denver was making snide comments and it was just sort of sickening to see that meanness there. Don't get me wrong, there's been negativity from both campaigns, but Obama wasn't just pointing out an inconsistent record or misstep, he was just being petty and condescending.

Another interesting point brought up over the course of the morning was the likelihood of a Democratic Executive, Legislative, AND Judicial branch. No checks, no balance. Very, very scary thought.

Anyway, have to get to the Ceramics studio--love you guys, talk to you soon. Muah!

-Alyssa

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have." -Thomas Jefferson

"O, say can you see?"

First of all: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AB-FAB! Hope it's amazing. Be safe. :)

(I originally wrote 'Be sage'. So, yeah, get on that, too.)

I got my passport today! It's kind of amazing, because they said it would take three weeks, and it's only been a little over a week. :) Maybe because I'm so close to DC.

My picture is fairly dreadful (the whites of my eyes blend into my skin), but it made me feel this weird surge of patriotism to receive the passport. Sort of an odd reaction--feeling patriotic when you receive a document that allows you passage OUT of your home country. :P

My visa application goes next, and the quick receipt of my passport is a lovely relief--the visa is supposed to take FOREVS. Em, any insight?

The passport's quick delivery is just another nice reminder that God is looking out for me. :)

The rest of today will be spent eating, thrift-shopping for my Halloween costume (I'm copying one of my Mom's ideas and being a Marionette), then curling up at home and rereading the rest of Watchmen. Did you ever finish that, Ab?

What are all of you doing for Halloween? Costumes, parties, pumpkin-carving?

It's so gray and rainy here--it was surprising humid this morning, but it's cooled down a bit since then. Strong winds, too. I want to hear some thunder and see some lightning! (But only after I get home and curl up--my living room has four windows with an awesome view of the sky.)

In other news, the drama has settled between my roommates, but unfortunately for Ryan, he suffered a very, VERY painful--erm--personal injury and has been out-of-commission for a couple of days, knocked out on painkillers. (Rotated testicle. WTF.) He's doing better, but is, naturally, a little embarrassed. Poor guy.

ANYWAY. Not much else to report, but I hope you're all staying warm and happy and healthy. :)

Love you!

-Alyssa

An Almost-Textbook Scorpio.

We've recently entered the sign of Scorpio. I'm no believer in astrology, but I find it strangely accurate sometimes. When I was a kid, I never though I was meant to be a Scorpio, because I was shy and I didn't kiss boys, and Scorpio was the confident, sexy sign. As I grew older, I could obviously appreciate the other things that Scorpio meant besides sex (although sex means something different for the sign then I thought at age 8), and it's kind of freakish how much I find myself to be like a "textbook" Scorpio, as it were:

Beneath a controlled, cool exterior beats the heart of the deeply intense Scorpio. Passionate, penetrating, and determined, this sign will probe until they reach the truth. The Scorpio may not speak volumes or show emotions readily, yet rest assured there's an enormous amount of activity happening beneath the surface. Excellent leaders, Scorpions are always aware. When it comes to resourcefulness, this sign comes out ahead.

Controlled but intense, yes. Probing? Absolutely. Awareness? For sho.

Friends and Family

Sincerity and truth are strong components of the Scorpio's friends. It can take some time before really close bonds are formed, but once done, the Scorpio will remain dedicated and loyal. Witty and intellectual, they prefer companions who are humorous and easygoing. Full of surprises, this sign will give you the shirt off their backs if that's what you need, yet once they are crossed, there's no turning back. They feel deeply, and once hurt, it can be impossible to turn things around. Commitment to family is strong and consistent with the Scorpio. They are exceptionally helpful in managing affairs, and they are excellent advocates when needed.

Loyalty and dedication? All me. Prefer humorous companions? Have you MET Robin? Commitment to family? Entirely. An advocate for you? If I feel like you're entitled, of course.

Career and Money

'I desire' is the key phrase for the Scorpio. They are fantastic at managing, solving, or creating. Once the Scorpio sets their sights on a goal, there's no deterring this sign. Tasks that require a scientific, penetrating approach are always best done by Scorpions as they will delve deeply into the materials they have. Their ability to focus coupled with determination makes for strong management skills. They're not ones to worry about making friends on the job scene; rather, they prefer to see the task accomplished well.

Ooh, delving deeply. :P

Pursuing such careers as scientist, doctor, investigator, navigator, detective, researcher, police officer, business manager, and psychologist all suit the mighty Scorpio. Respect is an essential aspect of working for this sign. They need to respect their coworkers while also feeling a sense of being respected by others.

Detective! :D ...Navigator? Does anyone need to do that anymore?

Scorpions are disciplined enough to stick to a budget and unafraid of working as hard and as long as it takes to get themselves in a good financial position. Many are fortunate and inherit money. Whatever the case - and regardless of the balance - they are great managers of their dollars and are not apt to overspend. Money means security and a sense of control, which is important to the Scorpio. Therefore, they're going to hang onto the majority of the cash, making decisions carefully before turning any of it over.

Ugh, money. :/

Love and Sex

This is the strongest of the sexualities in the Zodiac. Incredibly passionate, the Scorpio takes intimacy seriously. Partners need to be intelligent and honest. Much of the foreplay for this sign happens long before the bedroom through conversation and observation. Once in love, they are devoted and loyal to the death. But relationships can take some time. The Scorpio needs to build trust and respect for a potential mate slowly and thoroughly.

Takes intimacy seriously. No, not me at all. ;P Yes to all of this.

SCORPIO TIDBITS

Health
Each sign has a part of the anatomy attached to it, making this the area of the body that is most sensitive to stimulation. The anatomical areas for Scorpio are the genitals, bladder, rectum, and the reproductive organs.

LOL BUTTZ.

Ruling Planet
The ruling planet for Scorpio is Pluto. Traditionally, this planet rules that which is hidden from view. It also represents conception, birth, death, slow growth, generation, regeneration, unpopular causes, anonymity, phobias, and the exposition of secrets.

Aww, but Pluto's not a planet anymore. :( Exposition of secrets. :D

Colors
The colors of choice for Scorpio are dark red and maroon.

...Same...color?

Gemstone
Scorpio's star stone is the opal.

Ahem. Topaz.

Lucky Numbers
Scorpio's lucky numbers are 2, 7, and 9.

Nine! :D

Compatibility
Scorpions are most compatible with Pisces and Cancer.

Letta's a Cancer...that's something, I guess?

Opposite Sign
The opposite sign of Scorpio is Taurus.

Actually, KJ's a Taurus, and I lurve him! :)

The Perfect Gift
The best gifts for a Scorpio are sentimental choices, clothing (especially something sexy), and non-fiction books.

Non-fiction? FR RLZ?

Likes
Truth, facts, being right, teasing, longtime friends, a grand passion, a worthy adversary

LOL YES TO ALL OF THE ABOVE. I think you guys will agree. Especially on being right.

Dislikes
Dishonesty, passive people, revealing secrets

Well I like having the POWER to reveal secrets over actually doing the revealing.

House
Natural sign of the Eighth House. This house focuses on sex, taxes, death and rebirth, a partner's resources, inheritance, and regeneration.

...Meh. Abstraction, abstraction, abstraction.

Famous Scorpions
Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sean Combs, Julia Roberts

LOL, all ridiculous.

Best travel destination
Zambia, Syria, Norway, Halifax, Liverpool, New Orleans, Washington, D.C.

No, no, maybe, maybe, maybe, yes, YES.

Strengths
Passionate, stubborn, resourceful, brave, a true friend

Yes to all, at least, I like to think so.

Weaknesses
Jealous, distrusting, secretive, violent, caustic

Yep. Ooops. I'm trusting, though. Mostly.

Charismatic marks
An intense look in the eyes, muscular

LOL MYSTERY.

Best environment
Dark, sensuous places, any situation that offers power or rouses strong feelings

LOL SEX APPEAL.

:D

It don't mean a thing...

I did a 6-9am shift, then fell back to sleep until 2:30 pm. Ooooops.

Marla and I went swing dancing tonight at a restaurant called The Austin Grille in Canton. It was amazing.

The lesson itself, which was for beginners, went from 8-9. I did some swing dancing with Mr. Zupan (remember him?) back in tenth grade, but not much since then. It was lacklustre--I knew most of the steps (on instructor told me to stop leading my partner--the man is supposed to lead), and some of the guys were a little creepy. But, it was short, and I refreshed myself of the basics, which is always good.

Then, at 9, more and more people started to show. And these people were good. Some were pro-level. Including one particularly infectious dancer, who was tall and lean with well-tailored pants and bones like rubber bands. He was SO cute, and awesome to watch. He only danced with girls who knew what they were doing at first, then he danced with a few beginners, then he asked Marla. I was happy, because I love her and he's cute, but I was also like "Bitch!", because I'd been making eyes at him since he'd walked in the door (in his wool herringbone overcoat, I might add. ;) ).

So, he kept dancing, and I trained my eyes on him, and Marla started noticing this REALLY familiar guy (I thought) who kept looking at her. She danced with him once and found out his name was John. I danced with him once and found out he was from out-of-state. So much for familiarity.

FINALLY, Cute Infectious Dancer asked me for a dance. I was like "Yes, absolutely." :D His name is Craig, and he's been dancing for 10 years (!!!). He didn't like grad school and decided to go dancing instead (!!!!!!!!! Note: He looks about 25. If he went to grad school 10 years ago, he's almost 35. Sheeeeeit.). He was patient with my lack of knowledge and said as long as both people are smiling and no one falls on their ass (unless it's on purpose), it doesn't matter.

At the end of the dance, he thanked me and said that he knows he gets busy, but to find him for another dance at some point. :)))))))))

Unfortunately, we left pretty shortly after, BUT, as I was leaving, I caught his eye and waved, and he did the little "I notice you" eyebrows. :P I'll see him later. ;)

Marla and I waited a little while outside of the Grille because Marla was too chicken to give John her number outright. Of course, he emerged, but he was giving his name to some girl in T-strap heels and a striped skirt. Marla was disappointed. :(

So, we got back to MICA, and visited Tiff and Paul, who were at the desk. I slip upstairs to pee, and as I descend the stairs, I see another MICA girl, Sarah, who'd been at the Grille with none other than JOHN-FROM-OUT-OF-STATE! THAT was why he'd been familiar--he was Sarah's guest, and I'd checked him out of the Commons that morning during my 6-9am shift!

Now, Marla was properly mortified, and John basically ignored us while we gaped. Now, according to his ID, he's from New Mexico, so he's definitely just visiting Sarah (who may or may not be his girlfriend). Aw, sorry Marles!

OH-KAY. Just found Craig on Facebook. Stalk time.

Love you all!

-Alyssa

ETA: OKAY SRSLY? He's ten years older than me and he's married. WTF, world? He went to Pitt for crying out loud, and he's the Director of Music at a CHURCH. DARN YOU WORLD!

FR SRS. TISNF.

HOW much drama is going down in my apartment?

THIS much drama is going down in my apartment:

Last night, me, Jen, Betsy, and Ryan had a little campfire cookout in Ryan's backyard. It started out okay, until Jen got upset because she was thinking that something was going on with Betsy and Ryan, so she went to leave. (She and Ryan are no longer together, but she's still totally into him.) Ryan followed her and managed to convince her to come back.

While he was out with Jen, Betsy and I talked about the situation. Betsy insisted there was nothing going on, but I pressed her a little bit: "Do you like Ryan?" And she was evasive for a few minutes. "Do you like Ryan? Straight up, it's okay if you do." "Yeah, I do." "Okay."

Then, Jen and Betsy went and talked, and Ryan and I talked. He also rejected the claim that there was soomething going on, and I pressed, and he rejected. We talked some more and it was fine--he seemed to be thinking the same things I was, and I finally said things were going to be complicated because Betsy, in fact, likes him.

Him: "Seriously? She actually does?"

Me: "UM. DUH."

Him: "Yeah, that's complicated."

So, Betsy and Jen re-emerged, and we walked to the playground. Immediately, Jen came to me and said that Betsy was about to admit her feelings and talk things out with Ryan. Me: "WTF?"

So, I pretended I had to pee and we walked back to Ryan's apartment, and poor Jen burst into tears and said she didn't want to be the girl that kept them apart out of her own bitterness and jealousy. I had a couple flashbacks to the times when Lacie would start dating a guy I liked, then say "I won't go out with him if you don't want me to." Which made me the bad guy.

I felt deeply for Jen at that moment. Betsy and Ryan didn't come back, so we went home. Jen knew there was something up, and my own suspicions were growing. I was actually getting kind of annoyed that I hadn't seen it before. I left Jen at the apartment and called Robin, and filled him in on the whole thing--he was blown away, of course, and we totally see eye-to-eye on it's ridiculousness.

I got back to the apartment, and I heard Betsy in Jen's room, confirming that she and Ryan are now together. (That was quick.) THEN I HEARD RYAN'S VOICE. And I was like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?" If I had been Jen, I never could've handled both of them together.

I finally went to bed, and got filled in this morning by Betsy (apparently Jen slept in Betsy's bed, how did she do that? I'd die.), and apparently Ryan has really serious feelings for Betsy. Like, has totally liked her for awhile. I died for Jen.

Later in the morning, Jen and I were in the living room and she started crying again. I went to sit with her and just hold her for a little while.

Then she said, "I made a huge mistake. I misjudged him and just thought he was a guy who didn't want a relationship. But he didn't want a relationship with ME. If I had dealt with this better, I would be the one with him." And then I thought of Chase and Alli, and I empathized so deeply with Jen that a few tears leaked out for her.

Then Betsy came in and SHE started crying, saying she was the reason everyone was miserable. So I immediately stopped crying, because it was too much. The atmosphere was no longer me feeling for Jen, but Jen and Betsy feeling for each other, so I removed myself emotionally.

I decided to go and talk with Ryan, and with Betsy's blessing, I met up with him at his house, and got his side of the story. He was incredibly gentlemanly and cool about it, and seemed grateful for my support. Oh, he's so cute. I admit, I'm a little bit jealous that he wasn't into me, after all the nice things he said, but it's okay. I can handle it with minimal issue. :P But I DID say "So, in like a month and a half, my turn, right? Just making your way around the apartment!" He luckily had a good sense of humor about it. :D

So, Ryan and Betsy are out together now, and Jen is venting to me, but she's being sensible, level-headed for the most part. I'm glad I can be here to comfort all three of them in different ways, but it's going to be very stressful for a few weeks.

I wish Robin here here! :(

Love you guys--think of me. :*

-Alyssa

ETA: Oh, bee-tee-dubs. Jen's ex Dylan is here to visit for a week now. :D She already has a rocky relationship with him. Sheesh.

Updates from/for everyone!

I know I just updated earlier, but everyone (minus Bri) updated today, and I wanted to, too. :)

Today I woke up at 12:30--I stayed up 'til almost 7 AM--and I applied for my passport. Very successfully, as it was super easy! The lady who helped me out was wonderful, and she called me "sweetie" a lot. :D

THEN, I picked up Twilight when I got home--I started reading it on Thursday. I enjoy it, but there are pockets of text where I'm like "Bella, SRSLY. Tone down the despair and drama. You don't even know him. And you talk as though you're a novel narrator and not a real girl."

I lounged and read for a couple hours, until about 5, when Ryan showed up, and he, Betsy, Jen and I went to see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. (Robin is home in Pittsburgh, and I miss him. :( ) It was really cute in places, surprisingly rough in others, and disarmingly honest overall. There's this part where Nick and Norah are lying together, and she's embarrassed, and he just tells her not to be because she's beautiful, and it's AMAZING how spot-on he was. It sounded too intimate, too real. I got shivers. YOU all know how guys sound when you're both being intimate and affectionate--it was like that.

SO, then the four of us went back to our apartments and got bundled up to walk to this Turkish restaurant for dinner. I met Ryan downstairs when I was done getting my coat on. I was wearing my pink patterned coat, pink silk scarf (thank you, Drea), and my beige wool cloche, and as soon as I stepped outside he was like,

"You look really beautiful."

Me: "THANK YOU!"

Him: "You look like something out of a movie."

It was very sweet.

So, we all walked to the restaurant, which was really cool, and we sat in this raised, enclosed booth, like a puppet show stage almost, complete with curtains, and there was a belly dancer and my food tasted like glue but it was okay because Ryan paid like a gentleman. :)

We got back to the apartment, and I read a little while the others situated their movie, and right before 12, I got up to leave, and Ryan held his arms out to hug. Naturally, I restrained myself from jumping him and his hotness and hugged him like a normal human being, then Jen asked for a hug, and then I hugged Betsy after for obvious reasons.

So, let's recap: Before the movie, he said I was lovely (he's called me that multiple times the last few days), and that I have cute moments all the time (I didn't mention that before), then I was 'really beautiful', the he hugs me. Interesting.

And HAWT.

:P

Anyway, I'm trying not to fall asleep now. Time to look at mindless stuff that will make me laugh. :)

Love you all, dearly.

Alyssa

I Dreamed A Dream (I originally typed "I dread")

'Dread' is a more accurate description of the dream I had last night. Or, well, today, actually, as I went to sleep at around 6:30 AM.

It was mostly about the guy I liked freshman year, Ian--he showed me a lot of notes and papers and journals he wrote, most of them concerning his current girlfriend, who he'd nicknamed "Singles" in the letters, which is an intensely Ian thing to do.

One paper was dated August 6, 2008 (it may've been 2007 though), and it said that 'Singles' had gotten pregnant, and they'd had an abortion. :( There was literally a frown face. Then it went on to address the child, saying that Ian would always love him or her, and I lost it in the dream--I put my arms around Ian's middle and sobbed, saying "I'm so sorry for your baby. I'm so sorry" over and over.

And then I woke up in the midst of dry sobs. I haven't awoken in actual sobs for almost four years.

The thing is, I'd heard that they'd aborted a baby. I'd heard it somewhere before, distinctly. I thought maybe Ian had said it. I had a slightly fuzzy image in my mind of Ian, sitting on Robin's couch and telling us that Eileen had gotten pregnant, but they'd had it aborted.

But I don't think that was real. I think I dreamed that too. Why am I dreaming about Ian's not-real aborted baby? Why more than once? And why August 6th?

Weird.

Also, more roommate drama has unfolded--Jen and Ryan have stopped hooking up because Jen is emotionally attached (that's what sex will do, moron), and now Betsy is flirting like hell and Jen is mega-jealous. Robin and I feel this would be best settled by me making out with Ryan and him making out with Jen. :P

Okay, love you guys. Hope you're all doing awesomely. :)

Questions.

I attended the one-year-anniversary of the local youth church, The Light.

The pastor--a sort of guest pastor, actually, who runs the "father" church, Grace Life--spoke about Psalm 23, you know, "The Lord is my shepherd, etc." That was all well and good--he actually said something really interesting about the "shadow of death": if there's a shadow, somewhere there is a light. But he said something about the shadow being nothing to worry about--being not real, you know, a shadow can't hurt you. But I think it's more accurate to describe the shadow as a threat. After all, even if there is a light, there's also an object casting the shadow and blocking the light. There's a real thing that has volume there, it's not just the shadow as the being.

But anyway.

He transitioned into talking about death, and subsequently Heaven. He'll ask God if he reached all the people God meant him to, and God will say 'Yes'. Which is fine, until he started talking about recieving golden keys to his Heavenly mansion, stuffed with all the electronics he couldn't afford in life. He would tour the place for 1000 years, then put a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door (he admitted that he's introverted and doesn't like being around people a lot), and taking a 2000-year-long nap. THEN, he would see his younger peers (with smaller mansions, because they spent less time on earth and therefore had less time to build their mansions), and they would all go to the big banquet celebration and eat all this exotic food they'd never seen before and interview the characters of the Bible like Moses and Jonah for about 400 years.

What. The. Fuck.

Is it just me, or does that sound like self-indulgent, materialistic crap? Everyone I talked to about it made me sound like I was being too finicky, they told me that it was a metaphor, he was just trying to be funny, putting all these words into his mouth. But it wasn't funny to me. It missed the mark so completely. One girl I spoke with even told me that THE WORDS DIDN'T MATTER AS LONG AS THE SPIRIT WAS PRESENT.

I'M SORRY. WHAT?

So, if that's the case, I could just stand up front, recite "Mary Had A Little Lamb", and because the SPIRIT was present, I'll have inspired someone? Remember that part before the sermon where the pastor says, "God, guide my WORDS that they may glorify You and Your plan"? Why would we even have pastors at all if that were the case?

This is the bullshit I can't stand about some Christians. They know that sermons are supposed to be inspired by God, so they forget that the pastor is a MAN (as in a human, not just a male), and take everything they say as divine.

And not only that, because I do believe that God was speaking through that man in the beginning of his sermon. BUT, remember those little things called 'brains' that God gave us, too? Right, well, they're there so we can USE them to DISCERN the Godly from the Earthly.

In fact, Discernment is a particular Biblical Spiritual/Charismatic Gift that some people display at a higher level than others. (See 1 Corinthians for the list.) It isn't taken lightly by God that we question our religious leaders. Look at Jesus and the Pharisees, after all.

This behavior doesn't shake my faith in God, not in the least. It's just a disappointment to me that I feel like I get it and I'm alone in that. Maybe I'm just being vain, or egotistical. Does it sound like that? Am I being a know-it-all? That's the last thing I want.

Love you guys,

Alyssa

Michaelangelo's Florentine Pieta and Poetry.

"How can it be, Lady, as one can see from long experience, that the live image sculpted in hard alpine stone lasts longer than its maker whom the years returned to ashes?

...[A]nd I know, for I prove it true in beautiful sculpture, that time and death can't keep their threat to the work. Therefore, I can give both of us long life in any medium, whether colours or stone, by depicting each of these faces of ours; so that a thousand years after our departure may be seen how lovely you were, how wretched I, and how in loving you I was no fool."

:)

OKAY SERIOUSLY.

Chase just texted me. Just 'Hello'. It's 2 AM. This is real-time updating.

Him: Hello.
Me: Hi. (WTF?!)
Him: What are you up to?
Me: Working a grave. Can I help you?
Him: I got your letter.
Me: I figured.
Him: Yeah, it was severe.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I hurt your feelings? (SERIOUSLY.)
Him: No, but it was clear enough.
Me: Did you have something to say in response?
Him: What can I say?
Me: Well, you obviously had something in mind or else you wouldn't be texting me.
Him: Not so. (SRSLY.)
Me: Then why did you text? Just to confirm that you got the letter?
Him: Just my respectful nature. (SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!)
Him: Yeah, it was quicker than a letter back that I know you wanted.
Me: Honestly, Chase, I wasn't counting on a response. I think I was concise. Did you find room for much argument?
Him: Tons.
Me: Oh, do tell. (Of course he wants the fucking last word.)
Him: Yeah, I shouldn't have said a few things and I'm sorry I did.


Okay, he called. This is great.

So he was wishy-washy at first, talking about my 'severe' letter, and calling it 'rude', but when I finally pinned him down to answer specifics, he backed down and said I was right and very fair in the letter. Surprise, surprise. We talked about my grieving process and his progress with Alli (which has basically been this: "I love you." "Oh, I'm not actually sure. I have a few other boyfriends right over there." "Okay, I'll wait patiently like that puppy dog I've always been." Apparently their short-term goal is to start dating. Rather, HIS short-term goal. And THAT is what he left me for.)

The whole conversation was a lot of talking in circles about my being hurt, and him sounding like he felt pretty guilty. I hope he does. He was careless and indelicate. I told him so. And he seemed to agree. He was taken aback, I think, by my willingness to wish him luck with Alli. Honestly, if he's willing to stand around and wait for her attention-whoring self, then they deserve each other. It's Paul Jeffe and Liz Hays all over again. Sheesh. Our call got cut off thanks to his shitty phone battery. I don't know if he intends to call me back tomorrow, but it doesn't make that much of a difference.

Weirdly enough, he texted as I started to read all the entries that he's tagged in here.

Honestly, I forgive Chase, but it stuns me that he's choosing this. Well, I guess if this is what he wants, I'm okay with letting him take it.

All right, that's enough of that. *dusts off hands*

Love you all, muah!

-Alyssa

Hey-Yo.

Just a little update about how I'm doing. As you know, I was a wreck Sunday night, and yesterday I was really, really pissed off.

Today, I'm more resolute. Still bummed, still mad, but I've accepted it, and I'm doing fine. My 24 hours are up and I'm moving on. I sent the letter I wrote. Well, letters. I sent one that was written on September 30th that I never got to send, and I enclosed the new letter, which went a little like this:

Dear Chase,

A few points I wanted to make before things ended for good--before I could say my peace:

Even if I'd been with you physically, your feelings for Alli would always have interfered. Maybe I wasn't a 'distraction', per se, but it probably helped that you met me while you were so angry with her, and I showed you what a stable, grounded girl looked like. I was a change you felt you needed.

You built me up. This breakup wouldn't have been such a blow if you hadn't. You said you loved me, you indicated that you wanted to have a future with me, to marry me. Maybe I was foolish to believe you, but you were careless to say it.

You should never have indicated anything as serious as love or marriage if you had even a shadow of a feeling like that for someone else. You were unfair to me for that, and you betrayed my trust. Whether we'd been together for a month or a year, that is a heartbreak.

I thought we were on the same page as far as our faith and our goals, but I guess your goals lay closer to home, where you can see them and grasp them.

Truly, if Alli is the girl who will make you happy, and most exemplifies what you want in a partner, it would be selfish of me to keep you from that, and foolish of you not to pursue it. but I hope you aren't pursuing her because the familiar opportunity has opened to you again. I hope you weren't only waiting all this time for her to give you the time of day again. Although, if that was even a portion of your reasoning, perhaps this breakup is for the best--for me, because I want someone in 100%, and for you because I would never have satisfied you completely while Alli was on your mind.

Long-distance relationships are very difficult, as we both knew going in. I'm sorry that it was more worth it to you to pursue a more immediate target than to work for something that, while less immediate, is more reliable.

Forgive me if I seem bitter, but one can hardly blame me--if all I have to go on is now cavalier Alli was with your feelings this summer, I find it hard to swallow that you're going back for more. Hopefully she's matured since then, and I have every hope that she'll treat you like the devoted (obviously), thoughtful, and eager man that is clamoring to love her that you are. If she doesn't, I suppose that just proves her immaturity and, I suppose, your own, shall we say, wishful thinking.

By the way, has she gotten over her ex-boyfriend yet?

I'm sorry, I didn't want to say anything cruel or petty. I guess I just don't want to let you go without confronting you with the scope of your decision. I really do want you to be happy. I'm just angry with you right now and I'm prone to saying mean things. I hope you can see past the anger I've left on the page to the sentiments within it. Although, I think I've been pretty measured and sensible in my delivery.

Good luck with everything, and never settle.

-Alyssa

P.S. You began to defend Alli to me during our phone call, saying she may not have done the things you thought she did initially. It was insensitive of you to try and justify your choice to me, or perhaps to yourself. You don't need to explain why you love her and not me.

So, yeah. I feel pretty good about that letter. Really good.

Also, talked to Joey V. last night, and apparently, BritNolf has a nudey pic of TK on her phone. EUGGGGGH.

Also, Drea Chamberlain thinks that sex is what makes a relationship official. Like, you're not dating at all until you do it.

WHAT. THE. EFF.

ANYWAY, I'm done with all that.

Love you guys, thanks for your support. I'm really fine, and I'm looking forward to meeting the real man I'm meant to have.

Ouch.

Chase broke up with me last night.

We hadn't been talking as regularly, on the phone or in texts, but I supposed we were both busy. I called him on Friday because Betsy, Jen, Robin, and Ryan may be going to New York this coming weekend (the weekend Chase was supposed to visit), and they wanted us to come with them, so I asked him about it, and he was being dodgy and uncomfortable and evasive on the phone. I was uneasy, but I tried to shake it off, but Robin and I started thinking that maybe he wasn't coming after all. It sort of lingered in the back of my mind over the weekend, but then I texted him yesterday at 4:15, and he finally got back around to me at 6:15. We texted about his sister and work for an hour or so until he finally called me.

He started by apologizing for not calling as much, and I shouldered some of the blame (the phone works both ways, after all). Then he started in with those words I hate:

"I'm just going to get right to it. This isn't working out."

"Oh. Okay."

"It's just, it's hard to not have you here. I need someone here."

"Okay."

"I was going to write a letter, but I thought you might want to say something right away, and I want to give you that chance."

"Yeah. What...When did you decide this? What brought this on?"

He paused. I had a psychic moment, It's someone else.

"I'm in love with Alli."

(For those of you who don't know, Alli is Chase's coworker. He liked her for a while, and they finally started making out/dating in May. He said 'I love you' to her, too. She didn't say it back. A few weeks later, he noticed this other guy had started hanging around Alli more and more, and when he talked to the guy, he found out that this guy and Alli had been dating for a month, at the same time she was seeing Chase. Chase was pretty upset, naturally, and he talked about it with me a lot, but I always thought that the tone of our conversations were that he had learned a lesson, that he was over it. I guess he wasn't.)

"Oh. I see. Okay."

"She told me the other day that I looked different to her, and I asked if it was because she couldn't have me. (At this point I stopped listening because it was unbelievable to me.)"

"Mmhm. And does she feel the same way?"

"I think she does. We talked a few days ago."

"Okay. Then, why did you say you loved me?"

"I felt like I did." Stab. "I shouldn't have said it." Twist.

"No, you shouldn't have."

"I felt like I owed it to you to explain all this. I didn't want to pretend it just wasn't working out."

"You're right, you do owe it to me."

So, we talked a little more. Or, rather, he talked and I listened, or half-listened. I knew it was coming, but it was still a shock, you know? It's like, when you get scared, and then a few seconds pass, and the load of adrenaline hits your bloodstream.

He tried to tell me that it wasn't about my age, or my mom's rules. Which was fine, and I believe him. He said I wasn't a distraction to him, and that things would be different if I were close by. Maybe they would be for a little while, but if he's really in love with someone else, then it would have interfered eventually.

"Look, I really care about you. You're so special. And beautiful. And the most supportive woman I've ever met. And you're so understanding."

"Yeah. Thanks. Well, I guess that's that."

"You can call me if you have anymore questions or concerns or anything like that."

"Sure. Maybe I'll see you around. Good luck with Alli. Keep going with law school, too."

"Thanks, I will."

"Goodbye, Chase."

"Bye."

And that was that.

My roommates and Robin were exceedingly supportive, which was lovely. I called Drea, who was properly scandalized for my sake, and I called Lauren--I thought it might be better if she told Mom instead. The conversation went sort of like this:

Me: Chase dumped me.
Lauren: *GASP* WHAT?
Me: *surprised* Erm, yeah.
Lauren: *Insensitive*
Me: *Less surprised*
Lauren: Do you want me to tell Mom?
Me: What do you think she'd say if I told her?
Lauren: ...maybe I should tell her.

So, she did, and I spoke to Marla, who was very comforting. She told me I was dignified and handling it so well and un-hysterically. When I got home, my Mom called, and was offended that I hadn't gone to her first. She said mostly what I expected ("I'm sorry you're sad." vs. "I'm sorry Chase dumped you."), and I sort of put her in her place when she asked why I didn't call her first:

Me; You can't be surprised that you weren't the first person I called.
Mom: Actually, I was. I figured you know that I love you even f I wasn't into the Chase thing.
Me: Remember how you felt about telling your parents when Tim bugged out? When Brian bugged out? (My mom's two fiancee's that my grandparents' weren't thrilled about.)
Mom: Okay. YES. I'm completely with you. No, I totally get it. You're right.

Ha. So, me and my roommates and Marla and Robin watched A Knight's Tale (Gah, dreadful female lead) and talked. I wrote Chase a letter, and after the movie was over, Robin made me cry, but from laughing this time. :)

I'm feeling better today, but it still hurts. I mean, it's not like he said "I made out with someone else". It was "I'm in love with someone else." With a girl who already used him and threw him away like a tissue. Who only wants him because she can't have him. Or, well, I guess she CAN have him. I'm so angry with him. But I know it's for the best if he's not going to see me as someone worthy. I want someone who loves me 150%, and he wants someone familiar that he can see and touch.

A case of irreconcilable differences if I ever saw one.

My friend Brandon kept my chin up a little with this story:

Brandon: "I was showing a coworker my facebook and how it works
And then I used your page as an example of how you can see friends, etc. (you just made a status update or something)...

Sean: Who's that?
Brandon: (clicking on your profile picture) That's my friend Alyssa
Sean: She's kinda hot.
Brandon: ......yeah.
Both smiling.
That's all."

Thank you guys ahead of time for the support that I know you'll provide, I miss you guys. And Emily--please blog up a storm so I know how you are!

Love you all,

Alyssa

Aw, Love. :)

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=10416019>1=32023