Alyssa puts on her 'Political Hat'.

(This is more for me, but feel free to comment.)

Since seeing the trailer for Oliver Stone's 'W', and the subsequent news commentary, I've decided that people want the President of the United States to be a superhuman. (Perhaps I've reached this conclusion very late.)

Not only should he do everything to please everyone all the time while in office, he should never have had any past indiscretions. It seems that the Western world, in tormenting George W. Bush for his college days/National Guard enlistment, is indicating that the President should not be a human that makes mistakes. (Not that his National Guard enlistment was a mistake at all--it's just portrayed as one.)

I'm not proud of the fact that George W. Bush was a frat boy and did things that, oh, wait, EVERY NORMAL COLLEGE GUY DOES. But that was a long time ago, and, then again, it's not really my responsibility or my business to feel embarrassed/proud of it anyway. It doesn't have an impact on the job W has done, or on my respect for him.

In fact, I think he has done an admirable job, he's followed through and protected the US, even when he's being spit on by his own country and most of the world. Frankly, I think he's doing what is necessary to keep our country safe. I don't know everything that's going down--I trust my leader to keep his country's best interests at heart. It's sad that all people see are rising gas prices.

No one enjoys war. I don't really get it when people imply that the Right WANTS this war oh-so-bad. Who wants war? It's not about wanting war, it's about the necessity of war, or, even removing the world 'war' from the equation, the necessity of protecting one's country, one's people, and the ideals held by them. (My mom brought up an interesting thought the other day: What would've happened after 9/11 if Gore had been President? Eep.)

Okay, enough about W, and a little more about the candidates at hand.

John McCain wasn't my first, second, or third choice as far as the Republican candidacy is concerned, but with his military background and overall experience, he's a valid choice considering our country's current occupation of the Middle East. He's not as conservative as I would like, but, unfortunately, I'm not so much voting FOR McCain as I am voting AGAINST his opponent.

Barack Obama has proven himself to be well-spoken, smooth, and charismatic, and has gathered himself quite a following. His campaign focuses almost wholly on 'Change'--assumedly, that indicates going as far in the opposite direction as possible from the last eight years. For the majority, dissatisfied with the Bush terms, those were the magic words, and his supporters have delicately avoided his church group affiliations and his complete lack of experience. (Think on this: Obama has been a senator for about 150 days--subtract the number of days he's been campaigning, and you're left with his collective, active senatorial experience. Scary.)

To beat the dead horse for a moment, Obama's church group (which he has since "renounced", surprise, surprise) is one that is "commit[ed] to embracement of the Black Value System" and "Pledg[ing] allegiance to all Black leadership who espouse and embrace the Black Value System". (This is taken from the [now edited] 'About Us' page for Trinity Church. The removed section is here: ) I can't imagine anyone endorsing a white candidate who was "commited to the embracement of the White agenda", can you? Not even including Rev. Jeremiah Wright's inflammatory anti-American remarks.

Granted, Obama has since publicly disengaged himself from Trinity. But, I find it hard to believe that after twenty years of attendance, contribution--and not to mention the mentorship of Wright to Obama--Obama has no stock in Trinity's message at all. But, that's all been glossed over. It makes me terribly uncomfortable that America has chosen to nominate someone as inexperienced as Obama, just to escape "The Bush Legacy".

Up until very recently, Obama had said barely a thing about his own personal platforms. Sure, he said "Change" a lot, and quite eloquently, and drew thousands to himself.

American voters, lucky for American politicians, tend to be idiots.

Don't get me wrong--this isn't across the board, and surely Americans had and have the capacity to elect brilliant and capable men. Unfortunately for this election, one man is quite a bit more brilliant (in the diamond sense--both men are clearly intelligent), and the other is quite a bit more capable. But, as Americans always do, we choose popularity over practicality.

I'm not thrilled at the tactic McCain's camp has employed in his latest ad. The ad is, admittedly, somewhat sensational, and almost in bad taste. It compares Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton in terms of celebrity. But, beneath the sensational surface, I think there's another point to be raised. Obama, perhaps, is similarly capable of the Presidency as Britney is capable of singing well/being a mom/keeping her cooch covered, or as Paris is to doing anything intelligent.

Okay, that's harsh, but Obama's lack of experience, paired with the hero worship he's recieved since clinching the ballot nomination, has made me seriously uneasy. Not to mention his obvious ambition for this Presidency--less then one hundred days as a senator before beginning his run for office. Sheesh. I've also heard people describe him as some sort of deliverer. Yes, as in Messiah-like.

*Shudder.*

It just gives me Revelation-type shivers. Geesh.

Okay, that's enough playing-pundit from me today!

Not much new--I have about ten days free from Lauren and KJ, as they will be at the Jersey Shore.

I had dinner with my mom's parents the other night, and they want to help me get to Florence, which is great. I also found out that my ex-stepgrandmother's third (current) husband (got that?) was best friends with my grandfather (her second husband)! Obviously there was an upset once Susie and Peter got married--actually, my grandfather punched Peter out--but I thought it was fascinating! I always thought they were strangers to each other!

My dad also told me today that his mother wrote a letter before her death, detailing each child's disposition, from her point of view. Dad has a copy somewhere, and he's going to find it for me. I can't wait. I've always been so curious about her--she died when my dad was 10 or so.

Okay, Tribond time!

See you guys soon!!!!!

Love you!

-Alyssa

Talk, talk, talk.

Lacie came by and apologized sincerely for all of her disappearing.

I forgive her, but I'm still hesitant to be friends with her.

That's about it. I'm doing better--I'm over my freakout. :P

Still counting down to when you guys are with me again!

Can't wait! :DDDD

Love, Alyssa

Time is going so fast, and SO SLOW.

So fast because there's a month left before we all split up again--we have less than three weeks together before school--and slow because you guys aren't home yet!

We have to stretch the time we have together out as far as we can. I don't care if I sleep in that time, I just want to spend time with all of you.

Lacie and Brian broke up, and I'm semi-avoiding Lacie right now. She apparently took it well, but I just want this to be over. That's another reason time is going so slowly. I can't get away from this situation quickly enough.

It's like, I can't even pinpoint why I'm mad. I'm furious with her, but why? I can't articulate it. I'm mad because she's crazy. That sounds ridiculous! I'm mad because she doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut. I'm mad because she wants everyone to tell her what to do and how to get better, but she wants to do it on her own terms. She wants help and she doesn't. A great deal of her revels in her Crazy. I'm mad because she's selfish, but she pretends she's not. I'm mad because she disappears. I'm mad because she's so damn put-upon. I'm mad because she thinks she's Cinderella. I'm mad because, as well as she's doing physically, she's so far gone mentally, I can't even know what will happen when she moves in with Rachel. I'm mad because she's going to live with Rachel. I'm mad that she won't listen to me, but is constantly after my counsel. I'm mad because she doesn't REALLY want to hear my thoughts, she just wants me to agree with her when she says Abby Maurice is going to steal Brian or whatever bullshit she's come up with. I'm mad because I think she's lying to me.

I'm also mad at myself because I think she's lying. I feel terrible because no one would/should lie about what I think she is lying about.

I'm also mad that I've been alone all summer. I'm not mad at any of you--I love you, and we all have lives, naturally. But I've been so unbelievably lonely and stressed out. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. This is the third time I've cried today (Although I could attribute this to my period). Last night I hung out with Brian and three of "Lauren's Friends", sans-Lauren, and it was the most fun I've had since you guys left. I ESCAPE to work. I only feel calm in my house when I'm alone in it.

I don't feel like I'm being taken care of by the people that are available to me. I'm not being taken care of by my friends or my family. I'm being taken care of by my co-workers, and my sister's friends, and my friend's now ex-boyfriend.

I'm so sad, and I don't know how not to be right now, and that's so scary to me. You guys know I'm not a sad person. You guys know me better than anyone right now. I just want to be with you, and be away from all of this Crazy. My mom's Crazy, my sister's Crazy, Lacie's Crazy, lonely Crazy. Even my own Crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy on my own here. Thank God we live in modern civilization with phones and blogs so I can keep myself anchored to you all, but MAN, has this been challenging.

You know, this was going to be an excited blog? I am so excited about you guys coming home, and look what it deteriorated into! Some dramatic blogging by yours truly. :P

I hate to be this heavy. You guys know how much I love to be upbeat and everything. And I am okay--I will be fine! Promise! Hurry back! :D

Love,
Alyssa

I have a weird habit...

Of getting REALLY emotionally involved in makeover shows like MADE.

Especially when it's like, a geeks-to-glam-type episode. I like seeing the nerd get the guy. :D

I don't know, I just get excited for people coming out of their shells!

Mostly because I am a wuss. :)

Ink is here!

Okay, you lucky, lucky dogs.

My movie, Ink, has arrived in the mail today! And when you all get around to joining me in Sewickley (in a matter of days--hooray!!!), we can watch it. JUST US. No Lacie, no defensive parents or siblings (on my end, your siblings/parents may watch as they like), no crazy. Crazy is not allowed. Except for crazy laughter at the way I am fetishized in this film.

Getting the package was sort of magical, actually. I had forgotten that I was expecting it, I was brushing my teeth to go to bed (5:45 AM shift tomorrow), and I walked downstairs to get something, then changed my mind, and right before I was about to turn around, I saw the white square of bubble envelope, apart form all of the other mail, and I saw my name, and the return address of my producer, and I got all warm and excited (but not "sexually anxious", of course), and I rushed up to my room, and cut open the envelope, and just glowed with that feeling. That feeling of contentment. It's nice to see something come out.

I'm torn between watching it now or waiting. On one hand, I have an early shift--on the other, it is awesome.

Hmm...I'll see if mom gives a crap, then I'll decide.

Oh, and Chico's was fine. Learning a new system is always a little scary for me. I pressure myself to get things right immediately, and it's just not a good thing. I think it'll be a fun job, though. :)

Love you all,

Alyssa

And the crazy re-emerges...

Lacie is in my kitchen preparing a bake sale.

Yes, a bake sale.

WHAT THE EFF.

What goes on in her mind?! It's like she thinks she's a Disney Princess or something, and all the bunnies and squirrels will help her get out of this rut that nature has dealt her (and not herself, of course). She thinks she's freaking put-upon Cinderella.

I start Chico's today--I'll update later and tell you how it goes.

Muah,

Alyssa

Home again, home again...(jiggedy jig).

I'm back in Sewickley again! I was just away for a few days moving out of my apartment (yay!!!!!) and into my NEW one. It is very nice and very big, and sunlight comes through the windows...which open! It is awesome. I have the smallest bedroom, which is still two and a half times the size of my old one. Unfortunately, like NO sunlight gets into that room. It is the ONLY room that barely gets natural light.

Ah well, I guess a lot of time will be spent in my living room! That actually serves as a living room and not a combo living/dining space!

You guys are all invited to hang the hell out with Baltimore with me at my cool apartment. :)

I've been researching Art Conservation as a grad school option for myself--I've always found it fascinating--and guess what? Almost every single program I looked at recommended/required a trip to Florence. Ironic, hm?

I'm trying to decide if it's even plausible to try and make Florence an option. I mean, even if I worked hard to get more money, it would kill me if, even after all the hard work was done, I still couldn't do it. And I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but it's still a very likely possibility that it wouldn't play out.

But, it seems pretty coincidental.

Well, it does.

Yes, I'm lame. :P

Anyway, I also got to visit my godparents over the weekend, which was really great. As soon as I got home, though, within an hour I wanted to peace out.

I left on Sunday. On Friday night, Lacie and I had gone to Brian's house and ended up leaving when his sister showed up in a funk, so Brian went to talk to her, so Lacie and I left in an attempt to let them talk things out in private. On our way back, Lacie ended up turning around, so I told her I'd see her in a few hours, and she said she would only be a few minutes.

The next time I saw her was, mmm, TODAY.

I basically told her that she can't disappear for three days without calling THE HOUSE WHERE SHE LIVES. It's not that big of a deal, I guess, but it was frustrating at the outset. And Lauren was being whiny, etc.

I'm fine now. :)

ANYWAY, I can't wait until you girls are home! Two more weeks!

Muah,

Alyssa

Prepare your ears...

For the feast of a lifetime:

http://www.purevolume.com/DreaChamberlain




...


Okay, it's not THAT bad, her tone is just iffy at times, and the lyrics could NOT be MORE cliched. And the mixing is just dreadful.

It has potential. With a LOT more editing and some voice lessons. And maybe a good songwriter.

Any song that says "All the colors of the rainbow is you" has GOT to be erased from all records. First of all, bad grammar. Second of all, ew.

I'm such a bitch. :)

ETA: The aforementioned lyrics are to a worship song. I just realized this, at the end of the song. She started saying "Lord" all of a sudden. I mean, I'm a Christian, a pretty devout one. I don't claim to know much about what God thinks, but I'm pretty sure he would hate this song.

Aw, I'm mean.

Royally Shut Down.

Probably the best phrasing I could possibly use to describe my interaction with Mark today. Utter disaster.

I called, and he didn't answer. Then there was a text from him that said "Do you need something?" At that point, I suspected he knew it was me--but how is that possible? I didn't get my cell until a year after we broke up. So, I called again, and he answered. I got one 'Hello', and I launched into this completely awkward monologue about this call being random but I wanted to make things right, etc. (In actual fact, I wrote out a little speech about a month ago, but I lost it. I. Am. Pathetic.) I get to about ten seconds into my yammering and pause. The line is dead. He's (assumedly) hung up on me, which leaves me simultaneously hurt and pissed.

So, I decided to send him a text that said something to the effect of: "I wanted to apologize, I hope you can meet me halfway on this, blahblah, let's talk, blahblahpenancecakes."

No reply (duh), so, I guess that's that.

Anticlimactic as balls, man. The silence is the worst.

Mmkay...

The Dark Knight was made of amazingness.

It was awesome, and all of the whispers about a possible posthumous Oscar nomination for Heath Ledger are completely justified. Also, Gary Oldman FTW. And Aaron Eckhart. :)

It was all great. The ending wasn't what I expected, but I suppose it was rather fitting.

You just have to see it yourself! Em, you and I are hitting that shit UP when you get home! :P

Dan really liked my dad and Lisa, and vice-versa. Mom and Lacie keep talking about how they wouldn't be surprised if Dan proposed after college, if things go how they are (which is...a fuzzy image of a quasi-relationship? That's solid. :P).

BAH.

I'm working up the courage to call Mark, to apologize and hopefully catch up. Maybe I don't have to, and maybe I shouldn't, but something makes me feel like unless I do, I won't be able to fully engage in a relationship (an OFFICIAL one) with Dan. But maybe I'm just making excuses.

I tried calling about fifteen minutes ago, but no answer. Hm.

I'm headed up to the B-More on Sunday, and I'm so glad to be able to move into my new place! Not so glad about the huge piles of money it takes to get ANYTHING worthwhile, but there's American consumerism. Not that I mind my quality of life. :)

Especially with cool kids like you guys around.

(Awwwwwwww...)

Also looking forward to seeing my Godfamily, who I adore. Whom?

Also, a quick scoping-for-potential-jobs session. Wish me luck!

Muah,

Alyssa

The Dark Knight...

Big night tonight!

1) Dan is meeting my dad tonight.
2) I'm going to see The Dark Knight at midnight!

I guess the Dan thing isn't a HUGE deal, it's just been a long time for the two of them not to have met. Actually, Dan is currently running a little late (as per usual) which is frustrating me. Grr.

BUT, I AM super-psyched to see TDK. It looks amazing, and I admit, I picked out a very cute outfit to wear. This cute grey v-neck tee shirt with this spade graphic (keeping with the Joker/card theme), my skinny jeans and my new sexy boots that look sort of like this, but with more pointed toes:







Purty.

And I am lame for recording my outfit on the INTERNETS.

So, Dan and I going to South Side Works to see the movie, and we are meeting my MICA buddy Robin,







No, seriously. That's him.

:)

ANYWAY, we're meeting him and a bunch of his friends at the theatre.

Yes, spelled the British way.

Am I a little giddy? Eff yes.

Also, I got the job at Chico's! I just had to sign my life away at the holidays, but that's cool.

Things aren't exactly looking 180 degrees up yet, but I'm feeling okay.

Thanks for all ya'll's support and awesomeness!

-Alyssa

P.S. Dr. Rooz, I'd love to bring those books by soon. Just let my know when is good for you.

"Thinking all my trumpeting thoughts..."

Okay, here's the lowdown.

I told (cried) Drea a great deal of this on the phone a couple of days ago, but for those of you who were blessedly exempt from my display, here you are:

My sister applied to one school (U of Maryland), and didn't get in. My mom told me that she knew Lauren wouldn't get in, but for some reason I cannot fathom, decided to indulge Lauren's embarrassment and "not talk about it" (AKA DO anything about it until, well, never). Most of you know that part, as well as about my complete disapproval.

A few weeks ago, pre-Lacie moving in, I had a fight with my mom about it. I basically told her it was ridiculous that Lauren hadn't made a plan by July (she got the rejection letter in FEBRUARY), and Mom somehow turned that into "You don't trust me as a mom, and you don't believe in your sister. Oh, and you're also a control-freak who is trying to manage everything". Needless to say, I was furious, and stormed out of my house for two hours. We haven't mentioned the argument again.

Somehow, Lacie coaxed Lauren into enrolling at CCAC, secretly. I would wake up, and they would be gone together, saying they were enrolling Lacie for pre-med courses, or just getting breakfast or whatever. Eventually, Lacie told me that Lauren enrolled, so I wouldn't be concerned about Lauren's future plans for the time being. As it turns out, Lauren didn't want Mom or Lacie to tell me what was going on, because I put pressure on her or whatever, so they all intended to keep it from me up until classes started or whatever. Also needless to say, I felt like a complete outsider in my own house. I was (am) insulted that Lacie was entrusted with my family's confidence over me.

I got so upset by this (and a few other things), that I ended up calling Drea and spilling it all (tearfully). Drea was completely supportive and properly appalled for me. :) She suggested that I confront Mom or Lauren, so I decided to ask Mom--I didn't want to cause any trouble for Lacie.

I asked Mom why no one had just told me, and Mom said that she told Lauren it was a bad idea to keep it from me, and to just tell me, but that she decided to let Lauren make her decision and just not mention it. I feel a little better now that I know Mom wasn't all "Oh yeah, definitely don't tell Alyssa", I just wish her mom skills were a little more present.

So, I know, and Mom and Lacie know I know, but Lauren doesn't, and I guess she'll tell me "when she's ready", as Mom says. Or, as I say, "on her first day of classes".

Anyway, things between Lacie and I are going okay--we got a chance to talk the other day, and I think things are moving in a better direction, communication-wise. She has an apartment now, and she'll be moving there within the next couple of weeks. Unfortunately, she'll be living with Rachel Blumer, which is the WORST possible roommate she could have as far as getting better is concerned. She and Rachel have been family friends and good personal frineds for a long time, but Rachel is the absolute LAST person who can help Lacie in her disease at all. In fact, Rachel was a major hindrance to Lacie for months. But, it's Lacie's decision, and I've already expressed my disagreement, and I'm leaving it there.

The thing that really made me breakdown and have a huge cryfest, was that my next-door neighbor Susan just returned from Ireland, and was talking about her trip, and in a nutshell, described how expensive every little purchase was, and it made me think about my pending trip to Italy, and about how, if I'll be struggling/working to pay off my rent during the year ALREADY, there's basically no way in hell I'll be able to save enough money after rent to support a flight to Italy and back, plus food, clothes, supplies, fun, etc. And it just made me so upset. I felt (feel?) just so trapped in that moment, I almost lost it right at the kitchen table.

I'm sad about it--it would've been so completely amazing, but I guess I have to wait at least another year to get out of the US for once. But, it can't be helped, and I don't really have a choice.

I still haven't broken it to Melissa, the girl I was supposed to live with there.

I'm sure I'll have MORE than enough on my plate anyway, with classes and work and getting a portfolio going that it'll probably be a good thing that I stick around. And I'll actually be able to perform in Hair, which is a kind of cool opportunity.

(Okay, this is the part where I'm completely wrecked, but I'm trying to make myself feel good about not going abroad. Is it working?)

Anyway, I ended up taking Drea's sage advice and going out with Nick tonight to Eat 'N' Park, and then Abby joined up with us later. Nick was also super-supportive and a good listener, which was nice. :) And I didn't cry! Almost, but I made it!

I also got a lovely call from Marla, who seems to be having a fantastic time in Baltimore--she loves her internship at the National Archives, and she's taken up swing dancing (and met a cute guy in the process!).

It just makes me miss everyone.

Thankfully, I got to indulge in a little retail therapy at Steve and Barry's today, where everything was on sale from less than $10 AND I had a gift card. So, I got this really cute pink t-shirt with the luxury tax symbol from Monopoly (I'm wearing it right now, it looks sort of like this: ), but better), and a cute green t-shirt with a cartoon deer on it that say "We All Could Use A Little Doe". It's totally stupid, but I like it. :P I got a few other things, but those were the best. :)

Oh, and some slouchy boots. Also good.

I also had my Chico's interview--it went well, and I think they want to hire me, but they have to check with the higher-ups to see if it's worth it to them to only have me for six weeks. Keep your fingers crossed!

So, yeah, that's what's been going on. I'm so glad I'm not just writing this into the ether of the internet, and that there are three important people who are reading this and get me. I really do love you guys. I say it a LOT, I know, but I mean it. :)

-Alyssa

A l'il ol'-big ol' update on today. :P

-Get my driver's permit renewed.
-Actually learn how to drive.
-Take my driver's test.
-Talk to Mom about applying to SACI.
-Getting my passport.
-Call MICA about withdrawing for a leave of absence in order to go to Florence.
-Talk to MICA about Financial Aid stuff/enrollment. They called me and I just have to put my forms in and I'm set.
-Get another Sallie Mae loan.
-Update stupid FAFSA.
-Fill out stupid financial forms for MICA.
-Call Chico's. I did, they called me back, and I have an interview on
Monday at 3:30--wish me luck!

I worked from 11-4 at Crazy Mocha today, and I saw Drea Chamberlain. I immediately noticed something different different about her. I soon realized she was wearing blue contacts. Yes. Blue contacts. I'm sure you remember she is half-Hawaiian (and half American war hero [General Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain! Wooo!]), and has no business wearing blue contacts. She informed me that she was transferring to Pitt, because she has recently recorded a CD and would like to have more funds to dedicate to that. She plans to play live in the 'Burgh at some point. (Abby, it is your duty as the only Pittsburgh-bound girl in the group to attend one of these concerts and take extensive and humorous notes.)

After she told me all of this, she did not ask me how I was doing. That's one of my biggest pet peeves. When I say 'How are you?' I damn well expect for you to say 'I'm good/bad/on my deathbed, how are you?'. Common-effing-courtesy.

ANYWAY, it was a funny interaction. :)

Feeling a little better.

I've been feeling a little more relaxed lately--I've actually started my To-Do list now, so that's good.

I'm moving into my new apartment on the 20th and 21st. :)

-Get my driver's permit renewed.
-Actually learn how to drive.
-Take my driver's test.
-Talk to Mom about applying to SACI. Make final plans.
-Getting my passport.
-Call MICA about withdrawing for a leave of absence in order to go to Florence.
-Talk to MICA about Financial Aid stuff/enrollment.
-Get another Sallie Mae loan.
-Update stupid FAFSA.
-Fill out stupid financial forms for MICA.
-Call Chico's. (I applied there and haven't heard from them. I NEED A JOB!)

Still a lot to do, but now that I've started, it's a little better.

Thanks for the support. :)

Love,
Alyssa

Panic.

I just had a fist of panic clench my heart. It's what happens every time I think about money and rent and school.

I still haven't paid my remaining installment for the Spring '08 semester (although I expect my mom is in the midst of taking care of that), and I only have about six hundred dollars saved so far this summer. It's already July seventh. I haven't been working nearly as hard as I should be. Last summer I had two jobs and made upwards of three thousand dollars and I STILL didn't cover a year of rent.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

WHEW. Exhale. I've got to take this as it comes. I let myself get overwhelmed. Dammit.

Dear God, help me to have the work ethic and the opportunity to take care of these finances for MICA and rent (especially rent), and if, for some reason, that's not your will, give me the strength to accept that I may have to face a serious struggle, even if it may not be what I want to do (obviously).

God, I wish you guys (Drea, Em, Bri, Abby) were here. (You should probably know that at this point 'you guys' means you four.)

Okay, okay, I know you're in suspense!

We've patched things up, for now. After the argument, I went on my heated walk, a talk with Drea, posting my blog, another heated walk, and some music downloads, Lacie returned from Brian's in order to talk things out.

Basically it boiled down to me not being able to see through her filter and vice-versa--a matter of misunderstanding in the details, but a matter of disrespect in the big picture. I made it very clear that while I was offering her a space in my home, and looking out for her the way I have all these months, she wouldn't talk to me the way she did ever again. Maybe that comes off as parental, but it's important to me to make sure she knows that I won't take that kind of blow up again.

I don't think I've been irrational in my reactions. I get the feedback that I'm on the right track, so I'm sticking to it. I guess it's very hard for me to put myself where she is. It's hard to be compassionate when she says things that are kind of insulting. She made a remark about something being wrong with her as the reason she's being "rejected" (HEAVY quotes, there), which I was taken aback at.

I thought "Inconsiderate, much?" was an inappropriate response, so I phrased it as: "Lacie, do you think there's something wrong with me?" She immediately answered "No", which I expected, of course. So I said, "How many guys was I rejected by in high school [for her sake or otherwise]? That doesn't mean there's something wrong with me, or with them, necessarily. It just is. You can't blame yourself for his decision."

Well, bottom line, I'm just trying to step back, while remaining as supportive as I possibly can. I'm getting the green lights, I just need to keep going.

Man, I wish I had more good stuff to go on! I watched Sabrina tonight, and I've decided I just need to transport myself back to a time when women wore gloves and beautiful dresses. (Not really, I like pants and the internet and everything--I just wish people took dressing up more seriously, like dressing up to go to the theater. Like, you know, going to the theater once in a while).

Sigh. Happy Fourth to those of you ahead of me in time zones (although it doesn't mean much in Europe, does it? :P).

Hope it's a good one!

-Alyssa

I'm so furious right now.

As those of you closest to me know, Lacie (the subject of my angry-ranty-metaphor-post) has been living with me and my family for the past few days, due to an unfortunate incident regarding her parents. That incident being, they are shit at being parents. Me and my mom took her into my home and I'm glad I could be there for her.

Unfortunately, I've had to work, and it's hard to engage with Lacie's issues 24 hours a day. Yesterday, Lauren had the good grace to bestow on me her opinion that it seems like I don't care about Lacie and her numerous plights, and that I haven't been spending enough time with her.

After putting my eyes back in my head/reattaching my jawbone, I calmly told Lauren that that was her opinion, and she was entitled to it, and moved on, although it stung.

Today, I was reading about some horrible tragedies regarding sexual assault in the newspaper. I shared my horror with Lacie and Lauren, and for some reason, Lacie didn't think I was being sincere in my feelings about the crimes. In fact, she told me I took sexual assault too lightly, and that I didn't realize they were real people that actually went through these crimes. She told me I just read about it and went along like it didn't. I told her that she was mistaken, I do take it seriously, but I can't change the past, and I don't intend to dwell on it.

She went on to say (yell) that these things happen every day, but we don't need to bring them up and talk about them. (WTF?) I replied that we can't ignore that they happened, and that I was sorry for upsetting her. She said 'Sorry' back, and I said 'Good', and I walked out, because if I had spent one more second with her, she wouldn't have had a head anymore.

Maybe I expect too much from someone living as outside of reality as she is, but after all I've done for her--taken on her burdens, opened my heart and my home, fielded insane phone calls--she baldly accuses me of not caring about people in those kinds of situations.

In my opinion, she has equated herself with other victims, and has deluded herself into thinking that I don't care about her situation. It's manipulative and insulting. I'm all she has and all she has shown me is ingratitude and disrespect.

This is like being hit with a brick, and I'm not about to sit here and take it like a good little mute. She is out of line and I intend to tell her so.