"Thinking all my trumpeting thoughts..."

Okay, here's the lowdown.

I told (cried) Drea a great deal of this on the phone a couple of days ago, but for those of you who were blessedly exempt from my display, here you are:

My sister applied to one school (U of Maryland), and didn't get in. My mom told me that she knew Lauren wouldn't get in, but for some reason I cannot fathom, decided to indulge Lauren's embarrassment and "not talk about it" (AKA DO anything about it until, well, never). Most of you know that part, as well as about my complete disapproval.

A few weeks ago, pre-Lacie moving in, I had a fight with my mom about it. I basically told her it was ridiculous that Lauren hadn't made a plan by July (she got the rejection letter in FEBRUARY), and Mom somehow turned that into "You don't trust me as a mom, and you don't believe in your sister. Oh, and you're also a control-freak who is trying to manage everything". Needless to say, I was furious, and stormed out of my house for two hours. We haven't mentioned the argument again.

Somehow, Lacie coaxed Lauren into enrolling at CCAC, secretly. I would wake up, and they would be gone together, saying they were enrolling Lacie for pre-med courses, or just getting breakfast or whatever. Eventually, Lacie told me that Lauren enrolled, so I wouldn't be concerned about Lauren's future plans for the time being. As it turns out, Lauren didn't want Mom or Lacie to tell me what was going on, because I put pressure on her or whatever, so they all intended to keep it from me up until classes started or whatever. Also needless to say, I felt like a complete outsider in my own house. I was (am) insulted that Lacie was entrusted with my family's confidence over me.

I got so upset by this (and a few other things), that I ended up calling Drea and spilling it all (tearfully). Drea was completely supportive and properly appalled for me. :) She suggested that I confront Mom or Lauren, so I decided to ask Mom--I didn't want to cause any trouble for Lacie.

I asked Mom why no one had just told me, and Mom said that she told Lauren it was a bad idea to keep it from me, and to just tell me, but that she decided to let Lauren make her decision and just not mention it. I feel a little better now that I know Mom wasn't all "Oh yeah, definitely don't tell Alyssa", I just wish her mom skills were a little more present.

So, I know, and Mom and Lacie know I know, but Lauren doesn't, and I guess she'll tell me "when she's ready", as Mom says. Or, as I say, "on her first day of classes".

Anyway, things between Lacie and I are going okay--we got a chance to talk the other day, and I think things are moving in a better direction, communication-wise. She has an apartment now, and she'll be moving there within the next couple of weeks. Unfortunately, she'll be living with Rachel Blumer, which is the WORST possible roommate she could have as far as getting better is concerned. She and Rachel have been family friends and good personal frineds for a long time, but Rachel is the absolute LAST person who can help Lacie in her disease at all. In fact, Rachel was a major hindrance to Lacie for months. But, it's Lacie's decision, and I've already expressed my disagreement, and I'm leaving it there.

The thing that really made me breakdown and have a huge cryfest, was that my next-door neighbor Susan just returned from Ireland, and was talking about her trip, and in a nutshell, described how expensive every little purchase was, and it made me think about my pending trip to Italy, and about how, if I'll be struggling/working to pay off my rent during the year ALREADY, there's basically no way in hell I'll be able to save enough money after rent to support a flight to Italy and back, plus food, clothes, supplies, fun, etc. And it just made me so upset. I felt (feel?) just so trapped in that moment, I almost lost it right at the kitchen table.

I'm sad about it--it would've been so completely amazing, but I guess I have to wait at least another year to get out of the US for once. But, it can't be helped, and I don't really have a choice.

I still haven't broken it to Melissa, the girl I was supposed to live with there.

I'm sure I'll have MORE than enough on my plate anyway, with classes and work and getting a portfolio going that it'll probably be a good thing that I stick around. And I'll actually be able to perform in Hair, which is a kind of cool opportunity.

(Okay, this is the part where I'm completely wrecked, but I'm trying to make myself feel good about not going abroad. Is it working?)

Anyway, I ended up taking Drea's sage advice and going out with Nick tonight to Eat 'N' Park, and then Abby joined up with us later. Nick was also super-supportive and a good listener, which was nice. :) And I didn't cry! Almost, but I made it!

I also got a lovely call from Marla, who seems to be having a fantastic time in Baltimore--she loves her internship at the National Archives, and she's taken up swing dancing (and met a cute guy in the process!).

It just makes me miss everyone.

Thankfully, I got to indulge in a little retail therapy at Steve and Barry's today, where everything was on sale from less than $10 AND I had a gift card. So, I got this really cute pink t-shirt with the luxury tax symbol from Monopoly (I'm wearing it right now, it looks sort of like this: ), but better), and a cute green t-shirt with a cartoon deer on it that say "We All Could Use A Little Doe". It's totally stupid, but I like it. :P I got a few other things, but those were the best. :)

Oh, and some slouchy boots. Also good.

I also had my Chico's interview--it went well, and I think they want to hire me, but they have to check with the higher-ups to see if it's worth it to them to only have me for six weeks. Keep your fingers crossed!

So, yeah, that's what's been going on. I'm so glad I'm not just writing this into the ether of the internet, and that there are three important people who are reading this and get me. I really do love you guys. I say it a LOT, I know, but I mean it. :)

-Alyssa