>:(

It's insulting when people don't think I take my responsibilities seriously.

Thankfully, I met up with Melissa on my way back from my class (I had a good crit with Dan Krall--I got an A!), and she reminded me that God will always provide, and if I make my stresses into prayers, I'll be fine. This year has made me realize over and over that God always has me in his sight.

I'm trying to work towards my grad show, my graduation, my summer, one step at a time. It's been challenging in some respects, but I know that I'm taken care of, so it's also been somewhat reassuring. I know I'll get a job (or two), I know I'll make money (and art!) this summer, I know that I'll be fine, even if it will take some extra effort, and I don't like being told that I'm being irresponsible, or that I don't understand what I'm doing.

But I'm not thinking about that now.

Now, I have to think about my show--John and I are going to Target on Thursday, I'm returning that blue dress (I found a better one at Village Thrift, surprisingly!), and then going to Ikea to buy five frames (cheaply, let's hope!). Whew. Then I start installation on Friday! Eep!

Also, last grave shift tonight! I get to work on a paper, which is easy-peasy. Thank goodness for that!

Things will be FINE. I'm sure of it.

The Mean Reds.

What a frustrating day.

John and I went to the dentist's office and waited for an hour and a half before they could even SEE me, then were informed that my insurance barely covered half of the procedure, and had to be paid (all $568 of it) up front. >:( None of this was told to me until they were about to prep me for surgery. I had been there for TWO HOURS. Very frustrating and flustering. I made a new appointment, and my parents and I are going to sort out the cost until then.

I was pretty upset--probably more than necessary, but it all just seems to arrive at once. It already feels like a debt I owe, even if I haven't gotten the procedure yet (not that I have another choice)! It's just always got to be difficult. (And I felt terrible for wasting John's valuable time--especially during Midsummer's opening week.)

The worst part was how awful the receptionist-lady was about it. At four o'clock (we arrives at 1:45), my consult was over and we were about to operate. They typically close at 4:30, and I heard the lady being all pissy to the surgeon, who reassured her that it would take less than an hour. She came in and asked me all of the same questions the surgeon had, no doubt with the hope that I'd have eaten something so we'd have to reschedule the surgery. But I hadn't. Lucky for her undoubtedly busy schedule (/sarcasm), I am poor.

At least I get to work my grave shift tonight--no need to miss earning money. And I have Alice in Wonderland--the awesome TV version (purchased in Fells Point this weekend)! It is also John's final dress rehearsal tonight before the show tomorrow! :D I'm so excited to see it!

In other news, Obama signed the Health Care Reform bill that has been shoved through in the past few weeks. Sigh. I've gotten into plenty of online debates about it with my friends, but I just don't have the strength today. It's already been draining enough.

Hope you're all well!

-A.

A Frustrating Day.

This morning, John and I were supposed to drive back to my hometown of Sewickley so I could see my little brother KJ in a musical for the first time. He had a supporting lead in The Sound of Music--one of my personal favorite shows--and I was SO EXCITED to go and support him.

Unfortunately, last night it decided to snow--not much in Baltimore or Pittsburgh, but the snow decided to plop itself right in our path--6 to 10 inches, apparently, although I have no idea what the weather was ACTUALLY like on the Turnpike, as we never left. Both of my parents warned me about the danger of driving on the Turnpike in snow (the travel speed was reduced to 45mph there), and if we were only going to be there for one day it wasn't worth it. Of course, Mom left the decision entirely up to me (Dad basically told me not to come), which (of course) means that I knew I had to stay home. I was furious. I cried for a few hours, had John call Mom to tell her--because I didn't want to talk--and had John tell Mom to tell Dad, and tell him not to call me.

Maybe I was overreacting (John insisted I wasn't), but I was SO disappointed. I've never seen KJ perform, especially a role like Max Detweiler, and I had my heart set on it. I hated having to surrender to something as stupid and changeable as the weather--especially when I couldn't see it myself. I'm still now sure if it was worth it to stay--if we'd have been in any REAL danger to drive down. Either way, it's done now. :/

John was instrumental in getting me through the day--apart from putting up with my tears, he was all too willing to stick around and make me lunch (after we fell asleep for three hours--crying always tires me out) and snuggle me up if I needed it. And, of course, offer me delicious Chinese food for dinner. Seriously, he knows how to show me love. :P

I also cut myself some bangs today--John initially brought it up--citing photos of me from Fall 2008. He thinks I'd look great in bangs again, and Robin quickly seconded this when I brought up cutting my bangs to Katie on Wednesday night when we all went out for burgers (and to watch Canada cream Russia--woo!). So, I decided 'What the hell?', and cut my bangs in the bathroom this afternoon. They need to grow in a little bit, but I'm happy--I just need to pay a bit more attention to my eye makeup now. :P

The senior party--entitiled 'Gala Obscura'--is tomorrow night. It's a cocktail party, and I have to decide what on Earth to WEAR. I don't want to go too formal, but I would hate to be overdressed. What to do?!

Hope you're all doing well. Stay warm!

Love,

-A.

A Brilliant Quote from Belle de Jour

"If there's one thing I've learned about men who practice yoga, it's that they come in two types: Passive-Aggressive Hippie or Barely Suppressed Rage. On the surface, these appear much the same until you do something they don't like. At which point Passive-Aggressive Hippie will withdraw, telling you 'that's your trip, man,' preferably while doing something to fuck up your life on the way out, like leaving your house keys at a homeless shelter. Barely Suppressed Rage, on the other hand, will snap à la the Titanic just before it sank, but is usually rendered incapable of doing any actual harm as a result."

Not a bad cure for restlessness...

Today was an unproductive day for the most part, but I got to talk to a lot of awesome people. :)

I had my second interview at the Hard Rock Cafe today, and was invited back for a third on Monday morning. Wish me luck!

I arrived a little early for the interview, which was at 11, and then ended up waiting an extra hour in Barnes & Noble, starting a book called Thirteen Reasons Why that I intend to buy as a reward if I get the HRC job. Never mind that I went right back to B&N and finished it after my interview was over. :P It's excellent, I completely recommend it. I especially recommend that you call me first and let me read it to you. :D

On my ride home on the light rail, David called me just to catch up, and aside from being incredibly supportive ("Whoever sent tht Honesty Box message is obviously in love with you. They are so jealous of your confidence."), is always so interested in what is going on in my life. It's really nice. :)

I chatted with him when I got home, and got to talk to my Mom for the first time in forever! She's been busy working and doing her thing, so I haven't been able to talk with her as much as I'd like. Ever since going to Italy, since our communication was so patchy, I got used to telling her only the abbreviated versions of the news in my life. It was just nice to get it all out with her and hear her input. It's not that I need her input, but it puts me at ease to hear from her. :)

However, she did bring up Dad, and the shit he's been pulling with KJ, which makes me sick to my stomach. He takes KJ for an hour on Stanley Cup playoff days, and drops him off at Mom's before watching the games elsewhere with HIS friends. He talked about this No Doubt concert all week with KJ, only to be taking his wife, her daughter, and her friend. Not KJ. >:( It makes me so angry I can hardly speak.

But I don't want to concentrate on that. KJ is over it--he's angry, but he knows Dad is a dick. It just makes me sad because since Mom will be traveling all summer for work, Dad is supposed to be the point-man. UGH. I just remembered what else Dad said. KJ told Dad that he was supposed to be in charge while Mom is gone, and Dad said this (brace yourself): "So, I guess your Mom will be giving me back my child support, then?"

>:O SERIOUSLY. GOD DAMMIT.

Once again, I can't think about this for too long without wanting to vomit.

Thankfully, I got a distraction towards the end of our conversation--the doorbell rang. My eBay dress arrived four days earlier than I expected! I got off the phone with Mom--making sure she knows just how grateful I am for her--and tried on my dress with my new stapless long-line bra. The dress was even more lovely than I imagined, and it fit me perfectly! So, so gorgeous. :D Maybe I can have Betsy take some photos of me in it before she moves out on Saturday and post them here. :)

Betsy and Ben [not Bennett] arrived back at my apartment after some errands. After admiring my dress :P, we talked a bit and caught up and then Ben left and our friend Claire came over and I'm now listening to Betsy and Claire talk about this past semester, catching up and reflecting for a last visit.

It's really sad to think about Betsy leaving--I know that we'll see each other and keep in touch, for sure, but we've gotten so close and get each other so completely. I know that I don't have that with Jen, and I usually have at least one roommate I connect with on that kind of level. We'll see who our next third is this coming semester. :/

I'm doing well. I'm taking things one day at a time, and I'm reminding myself to keep it up every day--I get ahead of myself so often. And exchange I had with Mom today said it best:

Me: I don't know, I've probably been making it more dramatic and difficult than I should.
Mom: Well, that's just you.

It was good-natured, which is unusual for criticism from my Mom. :) It was almost a compliment, in a way. :P

So, the most important thing in my life for the next day is GAME 7 WOOOOO!!!!! And after that, my interview! Good thoughts for both, please! :D

Love,

-A.

Why does everything I write about have a tinge of bitterness or melancholy to it?

I don't want to talk about my Dad, because the more we talk about him, the less I want to talk to him. And frankly, I need the little money he DEIGNS to contribute.

(By the way, he brought over the $13,000 convertible yesterday.)

On a stupid, petty, so, so over note--my mom brought up again that I lost a lot of weight over my trip to Italy. "Like, 20 pounds!" Now, I did not lose 20 pounds. Don't get me wrong, I lost a noticable amount (especially noticable after 4 months of absence), but at no time in my life have I EVER been 20 pounds overweight.

My aunt was also at my house at this point--"Not 20 pounds--I mean, you lost weight, but Maggie, seriously?"

Lauren was helpful in that regard, "I don't even notice a difference."

But mom was VEHEMENT, "NO. She was MUCH heavier before she left,"

"Mom, I don't think it's as much as twenty. Maybe ten."

And, no lie, she gives me the glare like I'm in need of a serious reality check. "ALYSSA. Um, YES. Twenty pounds. At least."

And she launches into the very embarassing story about when I was a freshman in college and my bras were cutting lines into my shoulders, so we opted to get a breast reduction consult. The surgeon, a frosty blonde and overly-made-up woman in her fifties, told me I needed to lose 20 to 30 pounds and then reevaluate my situation. I was, naturally, mortified at being told (for the first time) that I was aywhere near overweight--let alone 20-30 lbs over! But, my mom agreed with her and told me I was being oversensitive. That was the first of a few confrontations my mom instigated with me about my weight over the next two years.

My aunt seemed sympathetic to me at that story, and asked me if I'd ever felt like I was overweight. I answered honestly, and at this point, I'm mortified to find that I'm trying desperately to keep my voice steady, "Only when my mom told me I was." And the psychoanalysis begins--"So it was only after someone else told you you were overweight? Mag, she's completely okay with her appearance."

"Well, yes Cath, but there's something to be said for a lack of SELF-AWARENESS."

Thank GOD I lost that weight, because, jeez, who knows what she'd have said under the same circumstances had I returned the same or--God forbid--any bigger.

Okay, I just needed to take that down--just vent for a moment about that.

The bulk of the day was actually quite pleasant--it was my cousin's first holy communion today, and I went to a Catholic service for the first time in ages, then to a brunch at the aforementioned aunt's house, and I got to show my art around a bit and catch up with people--particularly my cousin Evan's girlfriend Cally. She is just so sweet and I admit, I'm a little nervous that she and Evan are about to head into a long-distance relationship (they're off to college in the fall). It's silly and finicky, but I really like her. :)

Anyway, my restlessness to get the hell out and take a walk after my mom's storytelling tonight has since turned into exhaustion--I'll update with something a bit cheerier soon--promise!

Love--
-A.

>:(

I've been a little annoyed the past few days--not in general, but at Melissa.

She's been strangely critical of me, like, putting me on the spot in front of our friends. First it was something simple and throwaway--I didn't think anything of it because it was so silly. We were having dinner with the apartment across the hall, and I must have guessed something about someone, and they asked me how I knew, and I jokingly replied, "Because I know everything." (Those of you who know me know I say this all the time.)

And Melissa immediately replies, very seriously, "No, you don't, Lyss."

Me: "Um...I...know that? I'm...kidding?" But it was no big thing, so I let it slide.

One instance where she was justified was when she got a call from Nadia--I guess I've never written about her here, which is weird. She's this Pentacostal born-again Christian from Canada that Mel and I met a few months ago at a Baptist church here. She's always rubbed me the wrong way--she's enthusiastic about her faith and that's awesome. However, she's naive and I think the best phrase to describe her would be 'So heavenly bound, she's no earthly good'. So, when Mel hung up with her, I half-jokingly said, "What's Nadia up to? Being crazy?"

And Mel got very stern and was like, "You shouldn't talk about Nadia like that. She's not crazy." And she's right, I was out of line, and I apologized.

But in the past couple days, she's been particularly prickly. Two days ago I was in the studio with Mel and Sarah, and I hadn't eaten all day, and it was about 4 pm. Mel and I were about to go home, and I don't even know what I did to prompt it, but Melissa volunteered, a little snottily, "When you don't eat you get really irritable and everyone can see it." Sarah and I were both really stunned, and later, Sarah said that I handled it very well.

Last night was probably the most tense, though. She had just returned from a non-date (in her opinion) with an Italian boy, and she told us all that he offered to drive us all up to the countryside this weekend if we wanted. Everyone was really into it, but I gave Mel a 'maybe', because I have a SHIT TON of work to do (and so does she) before our show on the 6th. She gave me a little pushback but let it go. A few minutes later she says, "You better come this weekend."

I was surprised at her forcefulness, "Why?"

She said something to the tune of "You just should."

I replied, a little saltily, I'll admit, "No. I don't have to do it because you're telling me to. I have a lot of work to do this weekend. I'm not saying no, I just need to think about it."

She immediately looks down and remarks, "Well, YOU'RE in a bad mood tonight."

And I'm pleased to say I had the right reply to shut her down for the evening: "No, I'm not. I've eaten today and everything!"

And I said it all with a smile. Emily later said that she thought I was kidding around.

I know Melissa gets impatient with my matter-of-factness (unlike, say, Robin, who finds it charming, for some reason. :P). But there is a better way to handle it than to try and 'humble' me in front of our friends.

Christine's brother left this morning for Australia (for a giiiiirl) after a week in our apartment, so last night was 'Get-To-Know-Jim' night. I heard about his high school sweetheart, his first time (the girl [not the sweetheart, actually] was a recent ex, then jumped into bed with another guy the same night--ouch), his bitchy cheating ex, and his current girlfriend, who has an eating disorder and moved out of the house at 16 because her family life is crazy. But yeah, I always end up having these deep, serious conversations, which I like. It's just funny knowing I'll probably never see him again, and I know all this stuff about him.

Okay, today is Etching and Painting Conservation Lecture. Then MORE drawing--I intend to get all the final penciling done tonight, so I can get to inking tomorrow. Yippee! :P

Hope you guys are doing well! Love you and miss you.

-A.

Happy Valentine's Day!

[The nurse] doesn't know that I'm strangely euphoric, sitting here thinking about how lucky I am to have so much to lose — my rock, my mystery, the love of my life — that I'm sitting here thinking 'in sickness and in health'. 'I will,' I think. 'I do.' But all I can say is yes. "Yes. That's my husband." (From this article.)

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! Can I start by saying Robin is cute and he designed me an adorable, thoughtful Valentine. :)

I'm actually having a fairly shit day. The Godspell production was canceled, and I didn't find out until I got to the church and heard about the canceled audition, then the canceled show entirely. They're moving it to September.

I'm really, really, incredibly disappointed. I was looking so forward to this, and it was so perfectly timed. Now I'm not sure why I heard about it in the first place--as far as a Plan is concerned. To teach me about disappointment? (I think I know all about that one, thanks.) Something bigger and better coming down the line (which I can hope for, but I can't know)?

I don't know if I ever indicated this to any of you, but you know how most people, when something bad happens, try to reward themselves? Buy Ben and Jerry's, go out, stay in and do something fun? I'm the opposite of that. When something good happens, I reward myself, but when something bad happens, I tend to want to punish myself, even if it wasn't my fault. And I don't mean self-harm or anything like that, I just mean I want to let myself wallow. I deny myself anything that might make me feel better--it's perfect timing that my roommates aren't here to try and cheer me up.

Maybe I'll try and break that bad habit and buy myself some shoes. And gelato. And stay in and work on art for the night.

Are you guys doing anything special? Going out? Staying in?

I love you all--you're all my Valentines! :D

-A.

:(

I can't say I've been enjoying myself thus far. My luggage is missing, and I was locked out of my apartment last night (thankfully I was with Melissa and we knew where some classmates lived so we could ask to stay--although it's illegal to have overnight guests due to anti-terrorist laws. SRSLY.)

My apartment is actually very nice--we have a spiral staircase. Unfortunately I haven't been able to enjoy it because of my stress over my luggage. I feel like I'm constantly crying, which is horribly embarrassing, because I know I should be enjoying this despite the problems.

Also, no wireless in my apartment, which means no Skype until we make a specific date. If anyone has a day/time, I'd be happy to work around it.

Wish me luck with everything working itself out. I'll try and update soon.

I miss you guys very, very much.

Love,
A.

Well, I'm glad I checked this AFTER Christmas. :/

I got a C+ in Illustration Concepts. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Seriously, the grade I was worried about was 19th Century French Art, and at least she handed me a B- (I probably deserved a B, but I'll live). But a C+ from Jose? I was actually stunned when I saw that. I mean, I'm not breathing into a paper bag or anything, but come on! That was the last thing I expected. On the last day of class, I passed Jose on the way out and he was like "Oh, great work!" WTF?

SRSLY. WTF. The last C+ I got was in a class I despised above all others with a teacher who despised me right back. I was just happy to get through the class! But this is an actual shock to me. I'm really disappointed.

I still have my scholarship, blahblah, so I guess it's not the end of the world, but I'm still mad and I am definitely not looking forward to telling my parents. Ug.

I definitely know I wasn't as devoted to my schoolwork as I could have been this semester, but I was more stressed than ever with all of the preparation for studying abroad, etc. Not to mention the constant drama in my apartment, and my social calendar dwindling down to one person 97% of the time. You know who you are. ;P I had a lovely semester, I really did. I just hope this wasn't the fee I had to pay for it.

Christmas went just fine! I got money, some books about Florence, Beedle the Bard, travel accoutrements, two thongs in my stocking (from my MOTHER, sheesh. Right, Em?), these shimmery purple dark chocolate M&Ms, and a REALLY SOFT brown blanket. And of course, I got to see Ab-Fab, which was wonderful! :)

Hope you all had a good haul yourselves!

Open mouth, insert gun.

This morning was beyond dreadful.

Waking up with Robin was great, and getting yet ANOTHER set of passport photos wasn't that fun, but not a hassle, and securing postage was easy.

Even going to the wrong address at first was fine--we had plenty of time, and Robin knows his way around the city.

I admit, I was a little nervous that I wouldn't have precisely the proof of insurance they needed, but I was prepared to beg. So, we got there, and took the elevator to the ninth floor. This gorgeous girl at the front desk helped us out, and after looking over my information (the insurance card was enough), told me that I needed my MOM's original bank statement instead of my own (which they didn't specify when I asked for a full list of necessary documents earlier in the week), and a new current enrollment letter from MICA, AND a notarized copy of an affidavit signed by my mother (basically ANOTHER notarized financial support letter aside from the one I already had) with a notarized photocopy of her driver's license.

Basically, I was too shocked and trying to stay businesslike to freak out right away, but as soon as I got all of the information and turned to leave the office, my voice broke and I stood sobbing into Robin's shoulder in the hallway while we waited for the elevator. So I basically cried all the way back to campus, then pulled myself together for about three minutes to request an enrollment letter, then collapsed in tears in the seating area, then pulled myself together again to get the Sewickley Library to accept and hold a fax of the affidavit for my mom, then cried on the phone to my mom, then got my letter, sent the fax, and came home to cry at Betsy.

I've sent the fax, and I am now waiting to recieve the signed-and-notarized packet back in the mail from my mother so I can go spend $30 to get it overnighted to Philadelphia so I don't miss my flight.

I'm better now--still raw-nerved, but better. I'm just incredibly overwhelmed. I'm cutting it close as it is, but at this point I'll just be wishing against wish that I get the stamp back in time for my flight.

Dear God, it's been mostly smooth sailing thus far, and I know I needed a challenge to prove that I really want this and that I appreciate all the obstacles you've removed, but did the challege really have to come on the second day of my most painful period ever? REALLY?

God. I just. URG.

I just need a nap. God dammit.

Love you all,

A

Copy/Paste

So, I went to Barnes and Noble about ten days ago with Robin, Sam, and Jessie. There was a cute guy who works there and we were checking each other out, but we left before I got a chance to catch him to get his number. SO, I went out on a limb and put out a 'Missed Connection' on Craigslist. Lo and Behold, ten days later--he e-mails me! He thought I was cute and remembered that I was wearing all black. So, we're getting coffee this weekend. I know, I know what you're all thinking.

BUT, it's just one date and, after a Facebook check, I'm not sure there'll be a second date. Besides, I leave in six weeks. :P

I came home from Robin's last night to a screaming fight between Jen and Betsy over Ryan. Betsy has had Ryan over (as friends) the past few days because they were helping each other with some art projects. Ryan agreed to model for some photos for Betsy, and Jen was FURIOUS to return home to find a shirtless Ryan getting crayon wax getting dripped on his face for a photo. So, she acted huffy for a little while, went to class, then came home and decided to tell Betsy to stop being friends with Ryan and to stop having him over. Generally being bitter and immature and overreactive BIG TIME. I just went into my room and LET IT GO. They tried to involve me at one point and I was like: "UM, NO. I'm not part of this." I just wanted to shout, "JEN. ARE YOU GOING TO BE MAD ABOUT DYLAN OR ABOUT RYAN. YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH. YOU CAN'T HAVE ALL THE LOVE AND ALL THE ANGER."

It was silly. But they both apologized once it wound down.

I stepped on my headphones yesterday. I'm very, very glad that Lauren is getting my new ones for my birthday. :)

How are all of you? Only a few more days 'til I get to see you! Love you. xoxo

-Alyssa

My birthday festivities.

I had a shift on the 15th from 9pm-12am, so I turned 20 while sitting at the Commons desk. I ACTUALLY turned 20 at 4:59pm, while I was in Robin's bed.

I woke up at about 10, and just laid there until my dad called at 10:30, then got up and got myself to CLEANING. Our apartment was pretty gross (piles of dishes, clutter, dust, hair), and even though it was my birthday, I was happy to get all the crap out for 1) my party and 2) the girl I may sublet to who is coming to see the apartment tomorrow evening. It's now a trillion times more beautiful, thanks to MOI. :)

Unfortunately, Jen had to take the opportunity to be a complete ASS and talk to her ex-boyfriend on the phone and get into yet ANOTHER fight and cry all over Betsy for twenty minutes while I forced myself not to go in and yell at her. I SWEAR. Jen--Dylan always warns you that he's going to treat you badly. Boys always warn us. Yes, it sucks that he treats you like that, but you choose to engage in it time and time again, so it's your fault. I'm unafraid to say that you getting hurt by Dylan is your fault. If you had just broken it off in the first place instead of fucking him when he visited over fall break, you wouldn't be in this mess. And yet she STILL intends to take him home for Thanksgiving and pretend they're still together. LAME.

ANYWAY, I vented about it to Betsy for an hour or so while Jen ran out to get brunch, and then at about 2:30, Robin called me to tell me that his bus got in 45 minutes earlier than expected--a lovely birthday surprise. He had been in New York to see Andrew WK perform with a string quartet. So, Betsy and I picked him up, and I hung out at Robin's while Betsy and Jen started the cake.

I made it home around 5:30, then helped a mopey Jen dress (she looked all gorgeous :D), then Betsy (who has the most bomb-ass [to borrow a Lauren Term] gold Dolce high-heeled oxfords I've ever seen), then, at about 6:30, I started curling my hair. I was ready by seven, and Robin showed up around 7:20, then Erin and Melissa a few minutes after then. But, of course, my birthday seems to end up being the day people have the least respect for showing up to places on time, so Marla, Paul, and Tiff didn't get there until 8:30. And THEY had the menus! Grrr. So, we ordered our food (only five of us ended up eating out of the group of eleven), and started cake while we were waiting (Hot!Ryan [looking HOT] and Colin joined us for that). The cake was SO rich and tasty. :)

Our food showed up, and we laughed A LOT, about art kids, mostly. :) It was an incredibly pleasant evening, and I have leftovers to look forward to when I get home. :D

I'll try and have some pictures of my HAWT outfit and my AWESOME shoes by this afternoon. :) Thanks for the birthday wishes, you guys! Love you!

-Alyssa

WHY.

WHY don't I have the extra $60 to bid on this freaking gorgeous dress that I would look hot in?

SRSLY. :(

I am spoiled. I need to shut up.

Muah,
Alyssa

Questions.

I attended the one-year-anniversary of the local youth church, The Light.

The pastor--a sort of guest pastor, actually, who runs the "father" church, Grace Life--spoke about Psalm 23, you know, "The Lord is my shepherd, etc." That was all well and good--he actually said something really interesting about the "shadow of death": if there's a shadow, somewhere there is a light. But he said something about the shadow being nothing to worry about--being not real, you know, a shadow can't hurt you. But I think it's more accurate to describe the shadow as a threat. After all, even if there is a light, there's also an object casting the shadow and blocking the light. There's a real thing that has volume there, it's not just the shadow as the being.

But anyway.

He transitioned into talking about death, and subsequently Heaven. He'll ask God if he reached all the people God meant him to, and God will say 'Yes'. Which is fine, until he started talking about recieving golden keys to his Heavenly mansion, stuffed with all the electronics he couldn't afford in life. He would tour the place for 1000 years, then put a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door (he admitted that he's introverted and doesn't like being around people a lot), and taking a 2000-year-long nap. THEN, he would see his younger peers (with smaller mansions, because they spent less time on earth and therefore had less time to build their mansions), and they would all go to the big banquet celebration and eat all this exotic food they'd never seen before and interview the characters of the Bible like Moses and Jonah for about 400 years.

What. The. Fuck.

Is it just me, or does that sound like self-indulgent, materialistic crap? Everyone I talked to about it made me sound like I was being too finicky, they told me that it was a metaphor, he was just trying to be funny, putting all these words into his mouth. But it wasn't funny to me. It missed the mark so completely. One girl I spoke with even told me that THE WORDS DIDN'T MATTER AS LONG AS THE SPIRIT WAS PRESENT.

I'M SORRY. WHAT?

So, if that's the case, I could just stand up front, recite "Mary Had A Little Lamb", and because the SPIRIT was present, I'll have inspired someone? Remember that part before the sermon where the pastor says, "God, guide my WORDS that they may glorify You and Your plan"? Why would we even have pastors at all if that were the case?

This is the bullshit I can't stand about some Christians. They know that sermons are supposed to be inspired by God, so they forget that the pastor is a MAN (as in a human, not just a male), and take everything they say as divine.

And not only that, because I do believe that God was speaking through that man in the beginning of his sermon. BUT, remember those little things called 'brains' that God gave us, too? Right, well, they're there so we can USE them to DISCERN the Godly from the Earthly.

In fact, Discernment is a particular Biblical Spiritual/Charismatic Gift that some people display at a higher level than others. (See 1 Corinthians for the list.) It isn't taken lightly by God that we question our religious leaders. Look at Jesus and the Pharisees, after all.

This behavior doesn't shake my faith in God, not in the least. It's just a disappointment to me that I feel like I get it and I'm alone in that. Maybe I'm just being vain, or egotistical. Does it sound like that? Am I being a know-it-all? That's the last thing I want.

Love you guys,

Alyssa

Hey-Yo.

Just a little update about how I'm doing. As you know, I was a wreck Sunday night, and yesterday I was really, really pissed off.

Today, I'm more resolute. Still bummed, still mad, but I've accepted it, and I'm doing fine. My 24 hours are up and I'm moving on. I sent the letter I wrote. Well, letters. I sent one that was written on September 30th that I never got to send, and I enclosed the new letter, which went a little like this:

Dear Chase,

A few points I wanted to make before things ended for good--before I could say my peace:

Even if I'd been with you physically, your feelings for Alli would always have interfered. Maybe I wasn't a 'distraction', per se, but it probably helped that you met me while you were so angry with her, and I showed you what a stable, grounded girl looked like. I was a change you felt you needed.

You built me up. This breakup wouldn't have been such a blow if you hadn't. You said you loved me, you indicated that you wanted to have a future with me, to marry me. Maybe I was foolish to believe you, but you were careless to say it.

You should never have indicated anything as serious as love or marriage if you had even a shadow of a feeling like that for someone else. You were unfair to me for that, and you betrayed my trust. Whether we'd been together for a month or a year, that is a heartbreak.

I thought we were on the same page as far as our faith and our goals, but I guess your goals lay closer to home, where you can see them and grasp them.

Truly, if Alli is the girl who will make you happy, and most exemplifies what you want in a partner, it would be selfish of me to keep you from that, and foolish of you not to pursue it. but I hope you aren't pursuing her because the familiar opportunity has opened to you again. I hope you weren't only waiting all this time for her to give you the time of day again. Although, if that was even a portion of your reasoning, perhaps this breakup is for the best--for me, because I want someone in 100%, and for you because I would never have satisfied you completely while Alli was on your mind.

Long-distance relationships are very difficult, as we both knew going in. I'm sorry that it was more worth it to you to pursue a more immediate target than to work for something that, while less immediate, is more reliable.

Forgive me if I seem bitter, but one can hardly blame me--if all I have to go on is now cavalier Alli was with your feelings this summer, I find it hard to swallow that you're going back for more. Hopefully she's matured since then, and I have every hope that she'll treat you like the devoted (obviously), thoughtful, and eager man that is clamoring to love her that you are. If she doesn't, I suppose that just proves her immaturity and, I suppose, your own, shall we say, wishful thinking.

By the way, has she gotten over her ex-boyfriend yet?

I'm sorry, I didn't want to say anything cruel or petty. I guess I just don't want to let you go without confronting you with the scope of your decision. I really do want you to be happy. I'm just angry with you right now and I'm prone to saying mean things. I hope you can see past the anger I've left on the page to the sentiments within it. Although, I think I've been pretty measured and sensible in my delivery.

Good luck with everything, and never settle.

-Alyssa

P.S. You began to defend Alli to me during our phone call, saying she may not have done the things you thought she did initially. It was insensitive of you to try and justify your choice to me, or perhaps to yourself. You don't need to explain why you love her and not me.

So, yeah. I feel pretty good about that letter. Really good.

Also, talked to Joey V. last night, and apparently, BritNolf has a nudey pic of TK on her phone. EUGGGGGH.

Also, Drea Chamberlain thinks that sex is what makes a relationship official. Like, you're not dating at all until you do it.

WHAT. THE. EFF.

ANYWAY, I'm done with all that.

Love you guys, thanks for your support. I'm really fine, and I'm looking forward to meeting the real man I'm meant to have.

Ouch.

Chase broke up with me last night.

We hadn't been talking as regularly, on the phone or in texts, but I supposed we were both busy. I called him on Friday because Betsy, Jen, Robin, and Ryan may be going to New York this coming weekend (the weekend Chase was supposed to visit), and they wanted us to come with them, so I asked him about it, and he was being dodgy and uncomfortable and evasive on the phone. I was uneasy, but I tried to shake it off, but Robin and I started thinking that maybe he wasn't coming after all. It sort of lingered in the back of my mind over the weekend, but then I texted him yesterday at 4:15, and he finally got back around to me at 6:15. We texted about his sister and work for an hour or so until he finally called me.

He started by apologizing for not calling as much, and I shouldered some of the blame (the phone works both ways, after all). Then he started in with those words I hate:

"I'm just going to get right to it. This isn't working out."

"Oh. Okay."

"It's just, it's hard to not have you here. I need someone here."

"Okay."

"I was going to write a letter, but I thought you might want to say something right away, and I want to give you that chance."

"Yeah. What...When did you decide this? What brought this on?"

He paused. I had a psychic moment, It's someone else.

"I'm in love with Alli."

(For those of you who don't know, Alli is Chase's coworker. He liked her for a while, and they finally started making out/dating in May. He said 'I love you' to her, too. She didn't say it back. A few weeks later, he noticed this other guy had started hanging around Alli more and more, and when he talked to the guy, he found out that this guy and Alli had been dating for a month, at the same time she was seeing Chase. Chase was pretty upset, naturally, and he talked about it with me a lot, but I always thought that the tone of our conversations were that he had learned a lesson, that he was over it. I guess he wasn't.)

"Oh. I see. Okay."

"She told me the other day that I looked different to her, and I asked if it was because she couldn't have me. (At this point I stopped listening because it was unbelievable to me.)"

"Mmhm. And does she feel the same way?"

"I think she does. We talked a few days ago."

"Okay. Then, why did you say you loved me?"

"I felt like I did." Stab. "I shouldn't have said it." Twist.

"No, you shouldn't have."

"I felt like I owed it to you to explain all this. I didn't want to pretend it just wasn't working out."

"You're right, you do owe it to me."

So, we talked a little more. Or, rather, he talked and I listened, or half-listened. I knew it was coming, but it was still a shock, you know? It's like, when you get scared, and then a few seconds pass, and the load of adrenaline hits your bloodstream.

He tried to tell me that it wasn't about my age, or my mom's rules. Which was fine, and I believe him. He said I wasn't a distraction to him, and that things would be different if I were close by. Maybe they would be for a little while, but if he's really in love with someone else, then it would have interfered eventually.

"Look, I really care about you. You're so special. And beautiful. And the most supportive woman I've ever met. And you're so understanding."

"Yeah. Thanks. Well, I guess that's that."

"You can call me if you have anymore questions or concerns or anything like that."

"Sure. Maybe I'll see you around. Good luck with Alli. Keep going with law school, too."

"Thanks, I will."

"Goodbye, Chase."

"Bye."

And that was that.

My roommates and Robin were exceedingly supportive, which was lovely. I called Drea, who was properly scandalized for my sake, and I called Lauren--I thought it might be better if she told Mom instead. The conversation went sort of like this:

Me: Chase dumped me.
Lauren: *GASP* WHAT?
Me: *surprised* Erm, yeah.
Lauren: *Insensitive*
Me: *Less surprised*
Lauren: Do you want me to tell Mom?
Me: What do you think she'd say if I told her?
Lauren: ...maybe I should tell her.

So, she did, and I spoke to Marla, who was very comforting. She told me I was dignified and handling it so well and un-hysterically. When I got home, my Mom called, and was offended that I hadn't gone to her first. She said mostly what I expected ("I'm sorry you're sad." vs. "I'm sorry Chase dumped you."), and I sort of put her in her place when she asked why I didn't call her first:

Me; You can't be surprised that you weren't the first person I called.
Mom: Actually, I was. I figured you know that I love you even f I wasn't into the Chase thing.
Me: Remember how you felt about telling your parents when Tim bugged out? When Brian bugged out? (My mom's two fiancee's that my grandparents' weren't thrilled about.)
Mom: Okay. YES. I'm completely with you. No, I totally get it. You're right.

Ha. So, me and my roommates and Marla and Robin watched A Knight's Tale (Gah, dreadful female lead) and talked. I wrote Chase a letter, and after the movie was over, Robin made me cry, but from laughing this time. :)

I'm feeling better today, but it still hurts. I mean, it's not like he said "I made out with someone else". It was "I'm in love with someone else." With a girl who already used him and threw him away like a tissue. Who only wants him because she can't have him. Or, well, I guess she CAN have him. I'm so angry with him. But I know it's for the best if he's not going to see me as someone worthy. I want someone who loves me 150%, and he wants someone familiar that he can see and touch.

A case of irreconcilable differences if I ever saw one.

My friend Brandon kept my chin up a little with this story:

Brandon: "I was showing a coworker my facebook and how it works
And then I used your page as an example of how you can see friends, etc. (you just made a status update or something)...

Sean: Who's that?
Brandon: (clicking on your profile picture) That's my friend Alyssa
Sean: She's kinda hot.
Brandon: ......yeah.
Both smiling.
That's all."

Thank you guys ahead of time for the support that I know you'll provide, I miss you guys. And Emily--please blog up a storm so I know how you are!

Love you all,

Alyssa

!

September 26, 2008



Dear Alyssa,



We are pleased to announce that MICA has accepted your application to the MICA@SACI honors program for the spring 2009 semester. Congratulations! We will now send your application to SACI. SACI will be in touch with you directly regarding important logistical details of your semester in Florence.

:D:D:D:D:D

So, I got accepted, and even better: I'm still eligible for SACI's big scholarship. :)

This is awesome. I was here at the desk with Robin and Paul when I opened the e-mail, and I just thought it was about the scholarship part, which the International Affairs officer called me about earlier today already, but I read the opening lines, and this understanding just seeped through me, and this contentment and satisfaction welled up. It was really great, and Paul and Robin were happy for me, although they said they would miss me. :)

This is really cool. Dear Lord, let this pan out properly, please!

:)

In other news, I talked to Mom about Chase's visit, and she insists that Chase comes and talks to her. I expressed that I thought it was silly that it should be a requirement, and I didn't like that since Chase will do what I ask of him, it comes down to me choosing my relationship with him or compromising the one I have with my Mom. She assured me that it wouldn't change our relationship if I chose to tell Chase not to talk to her, that she would still love me and I'd still be her daughter.

I know this, but if the contempt is already breeding (and it is), there will be a change whether I speed the process or not. She already doesn't want me dating him, him going to talk to her isn't going to change that. I also expressed that while I'm her daughter and I know she wants to protect me, I'm also her nearly-TWENTY year old daughter, and I should be allowed to make my own decisions regarding MY relationship with Chase.

I see my Mom's concerns, and, honestly, I want her and Chase to talk, but if she's already set on disapproving of him until she deems me old enough to date him (yes, she said that), then what's the point?

I told her I would tell Chase to go talk to her, but now I'm thinking of calling her back and telling her to mind her own business, basically. She said herself that she needed to start transitioning out of "Active Parenting" and into "Consulting".

Also, she asked me point-blank if Chase said "I love you". Naturally, I couldn't lie, but I framed it by saying that I told him what was what, and she took it WAY better than I expected.

I got pretty emotional during the talk--although I don't think she could tell I was getting choked up. You see, my Mom and I never have these kind of conflicts. I am very interested in making my family proud of me, and in showing them I can make good decisions for myself. I hate when I disappoint them, and I hate it even more when I KNOW I'm not making a poor choice, and they're still disappointed. Sheesh.

What do you guys think about the situation? Be honest!

Love,
Alyssa

Time is going so fast, and SO SLOW.

So fast because there's a month left before we all split up again--we have less than three weeks together before school--and slow because you guys aren't home yet!

We have to stretch the time we have together out as far as we can. I don't care if I sleep in that time, I just want to spend time with all of you.

Lacie and Brian broke up, and I'm semi-avoiding Lacie right now. She apparently took it well, but I just want this to be over. That's another reason time is going so slowly. I can't get away from this situation quickly enough.

It's like, I can't even pinpoint why I'm mad. I'm furious with her, but why? I can't articulate it. I'm mad because she's crazy. That sounds ridiculous! I'm mad because she doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut. I'm mad because she wants everyone to tell her what to do and how to get better, but she wants to do it on her own terms. She wants help and she doesn't. A great deal of her revels in her Crazy. I'm mad because she's selfish, but she pretends she's not. I'm mad because she disappears. I'm mad because she's so damn put-upon. I'm mad because she thinks she's Cinderella. I'm mad because, as well as she's doing physically, she's so far gone mentally, I can't even know what will happen when she moves in with Rachel. I'm mad because she's going to live with Rachel. I'm mad that she won't listen to me, but is constantly after my counsel. I'm mad because she doesn't REALLY want to hear my thoughts, she just wants me to agree with her when she says Abby Maurice is going to steal Brian or whatever bullshit she's come up with. I'm mad because I think she's lying to me.

I'm also mad at myself because I think she's lying. I feel terrible because no one would/should lie about what I think she is lying about.

I'm also mad that I've been alone all summer. I'm not mad at any of you--I love you, and we all have lives, naturally. But I've been so unbelievably lonely and stressed out. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. This is the third time I've cried today (Although I could attribute this to my period). Last night I hung out with Brian and three of "Lauren's Friends", sans-Lauren, and it was the most fun I've had since you guys left. I ESCAPE to work. I only feel calm in my house when I'm alone in it.

I don't feel like I'm being taken care of by the people that are available to me. I'm not being taken care of by my friends or my family. I'm being taken care of by my co-workers, and my sister's friends, and my friend's now ex-boyfriend.

I'm so sad, and I don't know how not to be right now, and that's so scary to me. You guys know I'm not a sad person. You guys know me better than anyone right now. I just want to be with you, and be away from all of this Crazy. My mom's Crazy, my sister's Crazy, Lacie's Crazy, lonely Crazy. Even my own Crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy on my own here. Thank God we live in modern civilization with phones and blogs so I can keep myself anchored to you all, but MAN, has this been challenging.

You know, this was going to be an excited blog? I am so excited about you guys coming home, and look what it deteriorated into! Some dramatic blogging by yours truly. :P

I hate to be this heavy. You guys know how much I love to be upbeat and everything. And I am okay--I will be fine! Promise! Hurry back! :D

Love,
Alyssa

Okay, okay, I know you're in suspense!

We've patched things up, for now. After the argument, I went on my heated walk, a talk with Drea, posting my blog, another heated walk, and some music downloads, Lacie returned from Brian's in order to talk things out.

Basically it boiled down to me not being able to see through her filter and vice-versa--a matter of misunderstanding in the details, but a matter of disrespect in the big picture. I made it very clear that while I was offering her a space in my home, and looking out for her the way I have all these months, she wouldn't talk to me the way she did ever again. Maybe that comes off as parental, but it's important to me to make sure she knows that I won't take that kind of blow up again.

I don't think I've been irrational in my reactions. I get the feedback that I'm on the right track, so I'm sticking to it. I guess it's very hard for me to put myself where she is. It's hard to be compassionate when she says things that are kind of insulting. She made a remark about something being wrong with her as the reason she's being "rejected" (HEAVY quotes, there), which I was taken aback at.

I thought "Inconsiderate, much?" was an inappropriate response, so I phrased it as: "Lacie, do you think there's something wrong with me?" She immediately answered "No", which I expected, of course. So I said, "How many guys was I rejected by in high school [for her sake or otherwise]? That doesn't mean there's something wrong with me, or with them, necessarily. It just is. You can't blame yourself for his decision."

Well, bottom line, I'm just trying to step back, while remaining as supportive as I possibly can. I'm getting the green lights, I just need to keep going.

Man, I wish I had more good stuff to go on! I watched Sabrina tonight, and I've decided I just need to transport myself back to a time when women wore gloves and beautiful dresses. (Not really, I like pants and the internet and everything--I just wish people took dressing up more seriously, like dressing up to go to the theater. Like, you know, going to the theater once in a while).

Sigh. Happy Fourth to those of you ahead of me in time zones (although it doesn't mean much in Europe, does it? :P).

Hope it's a good one!

-Alyssa