Race Relations in the Religious (and Mostly Political) Community

This past Sunday, John, Emily, and I got up early and went to a panel of church members talking about the issues of race relations that were raised in church last week (I covered them here). The panel consisted of:

A 60 year-old black man.

A white girl in her late 20s/early 30s.

A Korean-American boy in his 20s.

A black man, born and raised in Ghana, in his 30s.

A biracial woman (very light-skinned), married to the Ghanian, in her late 20s/early 30s.

A biracial woman (medium-skinned) of about 60.

I thought this was a really interesting group, and I was surprised by some things I heard, and very unsurprised by others.

The panel went in the order I put above--the 60 year-old man described his youth before the civil rights movement, described being envious of a biracial friend who could pass as white and swim in the white pool. He took plenty of pot-shots at the 'evangelical right', implying a racist attitude towards Obama by indicating that only a racist would vote for a Palin ticket. Later, he admitted that the fact that Obama, being biracial, had taken a black wife meant a lot to the black community--he admitted that if Michelle Obama were white, he would be treated differently by blacks.

The white girl had nothing that important to add (unsurprisingly), but she managed to make herself look pretty dumb by talking about how special other races had it for being called "Latin-American" or "African-American" or "Asian-American", while whites are just, well, "White". SIIIIIGH. She mentioned the 'privilege' of being taught by teachers who wanted to see Dr. King's dream through--I agree with her sentiment, but she misspoke. It's not a privilege. It's the way things are meant to be.

She also indicated that whites should make more of an effort to understand the other races and cultures around them. I appreciate her meaning, but why is it the whites' responsibility alone? Because whites are the only ones that "don't understand"? If we're trying to spread peace and understanding, we should all be learning about each other, regardless of culture. Either way, I'm more inclined to look at people as individuals.

The Korean boy was the one that made the most sense to me in a lot of ways--he actually approached the subject from a Christian perspective, which none of the other panelists did. He acknowledged that we should treat President Obama as a brother-in-Christ, and pray for him no matter our politics. He also made the very important mention of Obama's campaign, run on the concept of faith and being a 'messiah' and 'savior'. "Obama is not our savior," he said seriously. "We know our savior is Jesus." Amen to that.

The biracial woman and her Ghanian husband both talked about reverse-racism--the woman suffers it at the hands of the Baltimore community. Her father is black, but she easily passes for white. She doesn't get the "How you doin'" that indicates the bond of being black when she walks down the street. Her husband echoed this--when he first came to the US, his black classmates criticized him for acting "so white". The only thing that irked me about their testimonies was the woman's hope that one day a black president with a black upbringing will be elected, "a black president who night not speak the way Obama does." What I take from this is that she means "speaks like a black man", maybe she means using ebonics, etc. This really frustrates me. Anyone who speaks that way sounds uneducated. Anyone could (and has) said the same thing about a Southern twang, haven't they, in the cases of Clinton and Bush?

The last panelist, the 60 year-old biracial woman, shocked me (and everyone, I think) with her response. She admitted how scared and uncomfortable she was to do the panel, and how hard it was for her to go up and say that she didn't vote for Obama.

I know, I was stunned, too.

She was moved to tears by this. She didn't talk for long--just indicated her fear and how alienated she felt from her peers, from everyone. :(

After the panel was over, I went over to the woman and assured her that I understood her position (being a conservative at MICA, or in my age group at all is practically a felony)--John backed me up, and she was really gracious and offered us her card. Her name is Carol, and she works at Hopkins in the Art Applied to Medicine program. What a dear. :) And brave. I've already felt the pressure of not voting for Obama at my age--can you imagine the pressure of not voting from your own RACE? Carol told us about a co-worker who'd said, "But he's biracial too--you have something in common!" She nodded fervently when I said (rather incredulously), "IT DOESN'T MATTER!" People, people.

It was a positive experience, and John and I may go back next week (if we're not still in Sewickley) for the youth panel.

In other news, I asked Facebook for some advice about my wisdom tooth extraction (my consultation appointment is on March 29th--so far away! I'm in pain!). I got some interesting responses:

Love you all--hope you had a good weekend!
-A.

Valentine's Day and a few churchy/cultural musings

Last year's Valentine's Day was a huge disappointment (even in Italy). This year made up for all that and more. :D

John and I went to church yesterday morning, then grabbed lunch at Sofi's Crepes with Emily and our neighbor Maggie before John had to go to rehearsal for Midsummer. I did laundry, showered and dressed for dinner before meeting John to go to P.F. Chang's in the Harbor. We caught the Light Rail and made it in time for our 6:30 reservations, which ended up being closer to 7:30 reservations due to delays. BUT, we got a super-awesome cushy VIP booth, so that made up for it. :) We got egg rolls (YES) and I got almond and cashew chicken, which was delicious, and John and I shared a banana spring roll dessert with pineapple-coconut ice cream. YUM! It was a really fun and relaxing dinner, and I just love him! :D

Nora (Robin's squeeze) and Dewey (Nora's elder brother and JEN'S recent romantic interest) also visited this weekend. Nora came to my performance at Coffeehouse of Luurrrve (I sang "I've Never Been In Love Before" from Guys and Dolls) and John, Jewey (as we nicknamed Jen/Dewey), Emily, Colin, Katie, Nora, Robin and I all gathered at our place to play Balderdash (for about three hours!) afterwards! Super fun and super silly. :D We'll just say--geese, swans, kakkerlak (kyaa-kur-lyaaaak), and The Stuff: DO YOU HAVE IT?

As I said, I woke up early yesterday, and John, Emily, Maggie and I went to church. The sermon itself was fine--about Jesus growing to learn and know His Father and His purpose, etc. However, there were two testimonies about 'Unity Month' in the church. The first was from a Korean woman who didn't really experience a racially-diverse church until she and her husband went to Paris for his job. When they came back they found Faith Christian Fellowship (where I attend), and knew that's where they wanted to belong because of it's diversity. Fair enough.

The second woman grew up quite sheltered--lived in Colorado, college in western Massachusetts. She decided to attend medical school in Baltimore, which was obviously a huge change. She started attending FCF and obviously found herself more integrated with non-whites. Okay, cool. BUT, then she used the phrase 'racial reconciliation', and spoke about how she realized we (as in, "we whites") have to repent for what our forefathers did to the slaves. "Our country was built on the backs of slaves and Native Americans," she said. "We need to stop overlooking and sugar-coating that aspect of history." She closed with, "Happy Black History Month!"

I was pretty annoyed by the whole testimony. Another thing--our bulletins explained Unity Day, and this sentence appeared: 'For youth who have grown up in a generation sheltered from the legal racism of our past, was the Obama victory a big deal?"

Firstly, it is important to remember that the US did own and use slaves for a hundred years before the Civil War. It is part of our history, and we teach that history in order to acknowledge that wrong to subsequent generations. I've never felt that the participation of slaves in the founding of our country was overlooked or underrepresented. In fact, I would say that that's an aspect of history we concentrated on. In my (Northern and mostly white) elementary and middle school, we absolutely observed Black History Month. It didn't make a big difference to me then--I was brought up to look at people as equals no matter what. (A side note--I despise the phrase 'African-American'. The first part of this article [vulgar though it may be] describes my thoughts on the subject exactly.)

As I got older, I heard about the movement to pay restitution to black families in our recent history (like, in the last thirty years), and it made me realize that it was a step backwards for anyone (of any race/color) to dwell on the mistreatment of blacks during slave times. Those who perpetrated those offenses (not to mention those who suffered them) are long dead. And not only that--private organizations were BOYCOTTED due to their connections to slavery. I'm talking as recently as 2005. Was the Emancipation Proclamation not enough of an apology? Freedom wasn't enough? I mean, I'm Irish--can I ask for reparations for MY ancestors being mistreated at the turn of the century? Can I boycott the places that denied them jobs until they apologize for their long-dead managers? What about Chinese History Month? Indian History Month? No? But I digress.

I do believe that racism is still alive and well--I'm not an idiot. I'm aware that several groups (racism does not belong to blacks, as it is unfortunately thought to) are being mistreated and prejudiced against in the US. However, I am a firm believer that this is an exception to the rule now.

The recent election is a whole other issue--the fact that it was so important that Obama was black (half-black--he's as black as he is white, people) was pretty sickening to me. WHO CARES IF HE IS BLACK? The important thing is if a politician is ready, competent, and if he or she in the best person for the job. Age, sex, and race/color DO NOT MATTER.

Obama's election could be an indicator that the US has reformed enough, and is 'ready', as a country, for a black president. Or, perhaps, we never had a more competent political option from another race/color in recent memory (Jesse Jackson? Al Sharpton? UGH.). Or perhaps, some people were voting for him because of his race and color. This CNN exit poll shows that the LARGE majority of every minority voted for Obama, including 95% of black men who voted voted for Obama, and 96% of black women. I think that it is just as bad to vote for Obama because he is a person-of-color as it is to vote against him for it. I could have cared less that Obama is half-black--I didn't vote for him because I think he was the absolute wrong choice.

It think it's time to stop singling out any race/color. The color of our skin is simply aesthetic. We are made equal. By paying more attention to one over another, we're moving away from equality and towards racism--however good our intentions may be.

I mentioned the testimony to my sister--her response was telling:

Lauren: Ahh, Black History Month. The most useless month of recognition...Me and my BLACK FRIEND FROM AFRICA were talking about that the other day. (Her emphasis--the friend is 'Jabbie', her neighbor from Sierra Leone. From Wikipedia: "Unlike most African nations, Sierra Leone has no serious ethnic or religious divisions. People often married across tribal and religious boundaries.")

Me: What did he say?

Lauren: He said that whenever they specially recognize black people then it's not equal, because they're trying to promote black people when they should be just like everyone else.

_______

Well, there you go.

Christmas Cheer!

Today was the first snow of the season. I woke up at 11:45am (I had a grave shift last night--as if I get up earlier on any other day) to the sounds of my roommates gushing over the snowfall. I got out of bed and peered through my window to find, not the flurries I'd expected, but fat snowflakes falling heavily past me. And there were a LOT of them. The whole street looked all the colors were seen through a white screen. Very pretty and very exciting! John was not nearly as interested, as I was disturbing his sleep so he would get up and check it out. :P

Today has been an unsettling day all around, although I've gotten most of my books covered for ArtMarket--I need to get more paper tomorrow to finish the rest. I'm making belly bands now, and Monday I'll borrow red gocco ink from the Illustration office (or maybe buy some tomorrow--we'll see). Ha, the thrilling life I lead. Also, my toilet flooded. PAIN IN THE BUTT. Especially when we didn't have a plunger and had to borrow one from our neighbors. Awesome.

I also had a nice break at my friend Josh's--he and his roommate Sam invented a little thing they call "Cage Match": they invite a group over to watch three terrible Nic Cage movies (are there any GOOD ones? I don't equate 'enjoyable' with 'good'.) and make fun of them. If you see something that has appeared in one or more Nic Cage movies other than the one you're watching, you yell "Cage Match!" and say what the thing is. For example: "Cage Match! Far younger and more attractive women falling in love with Nic Cage!" or "Cage Match! Nic Cage voiceover!" It's a lot of fun.

I only stayed for one movie tonight, though (Next, which is godawful, but really fun in a group)--I might've stayed for more, except that I have quite a workload, and I got one of THOSE text messages from my roommate Emily. One of those "can we talk?" messages--so basically I couldn't enjoy any more movie after that. Why not just wait until I got home? I hate the "We need to talk", because it automatically means "DANGER WILL ROBINSON".

Now, Emily is by-and-large very easy to live with, save that she has trouble picking her battles, so these confrontations happen pretty much every other day over minor things--dishes, milk, etc. Today was actually valid, though, so I was obviously receptive--I must say, I make it VERY easy on people when they have an issue with me--and it was solved with not too much weirdness, thank God. (Although my own accountability to my beliefs was sort of called into question. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but also not really her business--which she acknowledged, to her credit.)

And now, for the belly bands. Two weeks left of school, and I have SO MUCH to do. NO MORE SOCIAL LIFE, ALYSSA. I need to adopt the Cinderella attitude--although cleaning would be more pleasant and less time-consuming.

Good night!

-A.

Hopefully the Summer of Death has passed on as well...

It's been an emotional week over here--my Aunt Suzanne, who was diagnosed with cancer in May, died on Tuesday at about 5 AM--my Dad called me while I was in class, and there was this moment of confusion: 'Why is he calling? We just talked a few days ago...' Then it struck me that Suzanne must have died--he'd mentioned in the last call that there wasn't much longer. I slipped out of class and listened to the voicemail he left--sure enough, she'd died. I called him back, and he told me he and Lisa were the last people to see her--they tucked her in around midnight. She's being cremated, so he said he'd call back when they had plans for a memorial--it didn't have to be right away because she isn't being interred.

I was sad for Dad, and for Suzanne's live-in boyfriend and his son. It's odd, because I was out-of-town for the entirety of Suzanne's treatment, save Robby's funeral, and I barely saw my DAD that weekend, let alone had the chance to visit Suzanne. It's like it didn't happen.

I'm not super-close to my Dad's family, but Suzanne was absolutely the aunt that made the most effort with us. Remembered our birthdays, etc. She, like the rest of Dad's side, had her major issues, but she was fun and sweet and good-hearted.

The rest of the week was fine, if less productive than I'd have liked (story of my life)--John and I attended our first read-through on Saturday. It went well, although we all still have work to do. I need to learn how to make a British accent sound natural in two months' time. Get excited. And John and I were getting pretty excited about the trip to Annapolis we planned for this coming weekend to attend the Navy Homecoming football game with his family, even though we'd have to miss a rehearsal, which is whatever, because the game is a great opportunity to bond with John's people. (Again.) :)

Sunday was a particularly full day--Emily, John, and I got up early to go to the farmer's market with Melissa and a cute little junior named Mika, which was a lot of fun--we sang Disney songs. :D Afterwards, Em, John, Jen and I attended church. I was so thankful that Jen decided to attend with us, and to me complete joy, she loved it, and wants to keep coming with us! I'm really excited for that. The service itself was really great--we arrived a bit late, but we managed to integrate ourselves into the congregation during the sign of peace. Perfect timing. :P

The message was about poverty and wealth, and about the provisions of God, which is something I struggle with. I've been getting better about it, though! It was just good to have that reinforcement--God will always provide, and he has.

Dad called while I was in church--during the week, I talked to both Mom and Lauren about coming home for the service, etc. Lauren and I both expressed reluctance--it's inconvenient and expensive to get home, not to mention that we're not on the best terms with Dad. However, we also knew he'd take it as a personal insult if we were to explain that we're busy (I'm a senior in the midst of thesis. and Lauren is still getting used to a whole new school), and would take it out on us for months/years to come.

Dad left a voicemail, which I listened to after the service. As it turns out, the memorial service was planned for Saturday, the same day as the football game. :( Agonizing decision time. So, I called Lauren, who decided that she may as well go home for it (She also noted that I should "Just go to the game--repayment for all the times Dad bailed on us.", which is ungenerous, but not unfair.). Mom sympathized with me, and we weighed the options together (1. Have a fun weekend with my boyfriend's family and make sure Dad writes me out of his will. 2. Go home and sit in my Nana's parlor for an hour and half, hating life, but still ensuring $300 for Dad come Christmas).

The frustrating part was that I knew what I had to do, but it's very difficult to accept the fact that I would get no grace from him in this, and I honestly need the small sum he gives me every year for school. I hate having to depend on someone unreliable, but as pathetic as it is, I made the choice to go home and ensure that sum. Obviously John was understanding and encouraging (as he always is, the dear), but I was still pretty disappointed that I'd have to miss out on time with him and with his family, especially as The Girlfriend instead of The Mystery Friend-Thing. :P

I called Dad back, and without mentioning the game, told him that I intended to come home. He gave me a little relief by saying he'll be paying for my ticket home and back, which is nice, and I am starting to look forward to seeing Lauren and Brian (I miss making 'Why I Love Brian' posts--we haven't talked much lately) and Brandon, and Mom and KJ. I wouldn't have made it back until Thanksgiving, otherwise. And I do feel good about going back to be with Dad, even if it's hard to be the bigger person. I can do it and I'll try and be charitable.

As I mentioned in my last entry, John met my parents and godparents last weekend. It went quite well--Kathleen (my godmother) was completely charmed by him ("He's CATHOLIC?!! How wonderful!") and while my godfather Dane and my Mom goofed on his nerdiness, they liked him a lot as well. Mom came to Baltimore on the evening of the 14th and had dinner with John and I, which also went well, and I brought up the idea of bringing John home for Thanksgiving, which she was very receptive to. Unfortunately, John's mom was less into the whole thing, and put the kibosh on that pretty quickly, which I understood, as Thanksiving is her holiday in New Jersey, blahblahfamilytime.

However, despite her reluctance to let John travel one state over for Thanksgiving, she is apparently willing to pay for half of my plane ticket to go to England with John and two of our friends--they're going for Spring Break to visit John's friends from Bournemouth (where he studied this past spring). Now, this SOUNDS great, and I would love to be able to do it, but A) My mom is VERY against this idea ("You'd be traveling with a boy who is not your husband!"). Granted, I would go anyway, but that brings us to B) Even half a ticket is out of my price range.

My solution: Ask Dad for a Christmas/Graduation gift. :D Sounds perfect, right? Cue Aunt Suzanne's death. That sounds insensitive--I don't consider Suzanne's death a burden in that way--but truly, it is not the right time to be asking for money to be whisked away to Europe for a week. But who knows, maybe when I go home we'll talk about it.

But NOW, as this entry took me a day and a half to complete and post, it's time to go to my first one-on-one rehearsal with Kristin as Alice! It should be fun.

Love--

-A.

Yay for Acting Again!

What a great day!

Excepting leaving my keys in my empty apartment while I grocery-shopped, everything went well! I ended up going to John's for an impromptu lunch and to store my milk and eggs while I waited for Emily to come home and open the apartment. :P

I talked to my mom briefly about her visit (Monday evening!) and meeting John, and then met John at Fox for the SACI/MICA "opening", where my book is on display right now. At four, we had to book it to the Closer audition, where we both read--it went awesomely.

Let me describe: It was a preliminary meeting for the whole "Thespian Club" (formerly the MICA Playwriting Club, but all of the people that wrote the plays graduated), and they briefly went over tech and the play's synopsis before the auditions started. They dismissed the tech-only people, and blessedly, half of the girls left. (Hey, there are only two female roles in Closer!) I could pick out pretty quickly who would be the best out of the 5 guys and 8ish girls. (John and I were included in that list.)

I read for both Alice and Anna, but it's pretty obvious that a junior girl, Madison, who has that glamorous, disheveled, edgy look that's good for Alice, will be cast as her. They LOVED John and his array of accents (English and Scottish), and a tall, handsome boy named Harrison read really well, too. As far as John and I can tell, it'll be the four of us, unless someone fantastic reads tomorrow at the second meeting. We'll see! I'm excited!

For those of you who know me and John, you should all come see the show, because you'll get to see us say very dirty, out-of-character things. It'll be fun. :P Wish us luck!

I'm currently visiting with John and Robin at my grave shift, so I should go be a proper "host". 'Til later!

Love,

-A.

I fear the drop, but once I get started...

Last Friday afternoon, Colin, who organized our Six Flags trip, Facebook-chatted me with the warning that hurricane-level rains/storms would be hitting NJ the following day, and could we maybe take the trip Sunday instead? Now, the trip had already been rescheduled once, and I had work on Sunday, not to mention that this was short-notice and this had been a seven-day forecast. I told him no way.

SO, I woke up at 7:20 AM the next morning, and called Robin five times to make sure HE was up and moving. Jen and I walked down to Colin/Katie's place at eight and met up with the three of them and Jess, who drove from Frederick, MD to be with us! We had some coffee and chit-chatted before driving out at 8:30.

The drive was easy, and a lot of fun--I actually felt so joyful to be spending time with these new friends. Colin drove, Robin was in the passenger seat, Katie, Jess, and I were in the back seat, and Jen was in the way back, where there were two extra seats one can pull out for children. :P The only hassle we ran into was a little bit of traffic about ten miles outside of the park.

We finally arrived, and the sky looked grey and it had already rained, but we were hopeful. After all, the park was nearly empty, which is always good. We met Betsy (!) in the entrance of the park, where she'd been cooling her heels waiting for us for about a half hour, but in the meantime, had made friends with a guy on stilts. We also noticed the 458' (45 stories) tower of Kingda Ka, currently the world's tallest and fastest coaster. It's pretty scary-looking, but Robin and I both committed to it first thing.

Blessedly, the rain held off all day, and the sun even came out! It was perfect. The first roller coaster we went on was El Toro--we all rode it (Jen gets nervy about coasters, and it was ALMOST the only one we all rode together), and it was TERRIFYING. I wasn't sure if I could do Kindga Ka after wimping out on El Toro--a wooden coaster.

But we kept on trucking, and by the end of the day, Robin, Colin, Jess, and I had ridden every coaster in the park (Jen, Katie, and Betsy sat out a few. Losers. :P), eaten some tasty amusement park hot dogs and french fries, gotten soaked on the Rapids ride (Jess and I, at least), and treated ourselves to ice cream.

So, yes, we rode Kingda Ka. It was really nerve-wracking at first, especially with the signs placed at the entrance of the ride that read: "Sometimes Kingda Ka's train doesn't make it over the hill. This is a normal occurance. The track is designed to reverse itself and reset." SCARY. But, we did it, and it was actually a lot of fun! I can't imagine being in the front row for that one though. :/

Since we got done with all of the coasters fairly early (we had less than 15 minute waits on all rides), I suggested that we do a couple again. We re-rode Bizarro with Jen and Katie, who missed out the first time, and Betsy, Robin, Colin, and I got in line to re-ride Nitro. When we got to the top of the line, obviously the line was longest for the front row (Nitro seats four-across), but Colin suggested we wait it out (all four minutes longer) and ride in front. New Daredevil-Alyssa was all about it, and Betsy, after slight hesitation, agreed. So, we strapped in.

I should preface by saying that Robin is afraid of the big, slow ascent, not the drop. There's something about it that really freaks him out--the possibility that something could go wrong. Kingda Ka has a massive ascent, but it goes 128 miles per hour, so there's barely time to register it. Nitro, however, is loooong and sloooow. I was happy as a clam, and Robin, two seats over, was like stone, clutching his harness and fixed on the top of the hill. In an attempt to loosen him up, I reached over Betsy to give him a high-five.

He glanced briefly in my direction, "I'm good." I had to laugh.

The ride was, naturally, the best one of the day. :)

Katie, Jess, and I boldly danced with the creepy Mr. Six guy in front of a crowd of people after that (there is video that I'll post when I can), doing the Macarena and the Cha Cha Slide and YMCA. We left the park pretty soon after that, and said goodbye to Betsy (:( ), and got on the road. The drive back was a more difficult, as the sky broke open less than twenty minutes after we left the park (Colin is a trooper). We decided to drive through Colin's hometown in PA, right near Philly, and get a cheesesteak. It was delicious, and nice to see a piece of Colin's life outside of MICA. :) Post-cheesesteak, the rain was even WORSE, elevating Colin from 'trooper' to 'demi-god' at maneuvering through it.

I had the awesome opportunity to bond with Katie, Colin, and Jess, who I don't see that often/know that well, and see Betsy, who is all ready to be an accomplished graduate student! I'm confident that the trip will spawn a pretty awesome set of friendships. At least, I hope so.

Secondly, I started classes:

Monday: The Problem of Evil. My professor is a stern-looking man with a cane who attended Yale, Oxford, and St. Andrews. He was drafted in 1969 (after dropping out of his first year of college) and went to Southeast Asia for 13 months, and returned to an offer to work for the CIA, which he did for a couple decades. He'd learned 15 or so languages before he suffered a stroke in 2003 or 2004. He had to relearn talking and walking, and he writes with his left hand now. Since then, he's brought his knowledge of languages up to nearly 20. WHAT. WHAT. AMAZING. So far, this class looks like it will be fascinating in matters of faith. I'll be challenged and reaffirmed all-together, I think. I'm excited. :)

Tuesday: The Lab. Whitney Sherman, my professor, is the chair of the illustration department. She's been described as a 'Dragon Lady', but that hasn't come out at all yet. The point of this class is to produce something to be sold--being so wrapped up in my thesis plans, I had to come up with something on the fly, and ended up with a pretty great idea, if I do say so myself! Obviously, writing is therapy to me. Also, revenge/retribution/justice has been a recent theme in my life. SO, I combined the two, and intend to make a witty "Little Book of Revenge"--a sort of workbook for people to put down all the things they WISH they could do, without actually causing harm, of course. There'll be sections for each sort of offender (exes, co-workers, roommates, telemarketers), and a blank section for "Supplies" and "Execution". I think it'll be a hit--my classmates laughed and Whitney was encouranging. At least...I'd buy it. :)

Wednesday: Art and Architecture of Ancient Egypt. The best thing about this class is that I know and am friends with a lot of people in it. :) My professor is a youngish fat man with that unfortunate idea that luscious, shoulder-length hair will distract me from his hugeness. However, he seems knowledgable, and I'm looking forward to it, although it seems like a lot of work.

Thursday: Senior Thesis. The doozy. My section, with the very-pregnant, very-British, and very-adorable Rebecca Bradley, is populated with a few unfortunate candidates (in both personality and quality of work), but overall, I'm pleased. My presentation was okay, but it just reinforced the amount of work I need to get done. BLAAAH.

Senior Seminar. Allan Comport is my hero. I resolve to become one of his favorites by the end of this year, dammit. The whole of MICA IL '10 (about 100 students) broke into "study groups" of five--sort of support groups for the coming year. I got nervous--one of the unfortunate candidates above nearly approached me to form a group, but I wiggled out, and my group consists of: Tiff (Marla's roommate), Michael (Robin's roommate), Kyle (one of the first kids I made friends with at MICA), and Adam (who is a practical stranger to me, but is very nice and pretty cute :P). I'm nervous--I always get nervous about sharing work--but I think this'll be a good group, especially since I need to learn Photoshop and Kyle is really good. :D

Objectivity: What I thought was going to be a class related to the divine ratio, and other mathematical awesomeness is now a class unrelated to "Nature, numbers, and doubt", as the subtitle first referenced, but rather "An introduction to the philosophy of science." It's going to get bloody. :P John and I will be the lone Christians/Conservatives holding down the fort in the corner. My professor, Patrick, is a nearly-thirty, bald southern man who is actually really attractive (there's a touch of James McAvoy in him), but has this absurd and amazing Southern-crossed-with-posh-philosopher voice. I can't even begin to describe it without an accompanying imitation.

As far as Hector, it isn't even worth explaining at this point--our wires got crossed, misunderstandings, blah blah. Ian helped me sort things out a bit on my end thanks to his insight into Hector's feelings (or lack thereof). It's basically as I suspected-but-chose-to-push-away: He's not interested in a relationship, and I suspect if he was, he wouldn't want it with me. This was a big disappointment at first, but I'm dealing and am really looking forward to moving ahead as FRIENDS. Ian was kind enough to soften the blow by letting me in on the fact that Hector said he really enjoys spending time with me [as a friend], and I think, awkwardness aside, we'll be fine. :) Special thanks to Emily, Robin, Brandon, and Jen for putting up with me.

In other news, for those of you who are QVHSites, ALEXANDRE IS ENGAGED AND IT IS BEAUTIFUL. For those of you who don't know who that is, Alexandre (or 'The Xandman'), was a sweet but SUPER-nerdy kid in my College-in-High-School French class senior year. He got a girlfriend his freshman year at Pitt, and our CHS class was so stunned and thrilled, we actually organized a BARBECUE at his house in order to meet her. It was excellent, and she's very cool.

SO, three years later, they're all engaged! Yay!

I've also spent the last few days visiting with John and his friend from the UK, Abi, who he met while studying abroad. She's really funny and fun, and isn't offended that my apartment is London-themed and nicknamed "The Flat". (Emily R., hopefully you aren't offended either. :P) Today I'll be hanging out with them again, and if the new friendship I'm trying to establish with Hector works out for tonight, I'll see him this evening. Wish me luck!

Anyway, I'm off to hang out with Robin soon. I'm showered, wearing my new skirt and feeling pretty good (despite my small problem of missing 2/3 of a desk shift this morning...ooops). Hopefully the rest of my day can be productive and fun!

More soon--Love!

-A.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I have this bad habit of weaving these elaborate fantasies and letting myself believe they have roots in reality. Or, perhaps, the roots are in reality, but I sprinkle this Fantastical Miracle-Gro on them that makes it sprout into something that is very pretty, but ultimately fabricated.

Then again, I'm hard on myself--even my friends think he's shown interest.

Let me get to the point: last night, I saw Hector, and he invited me to a movie/party at Ian's (Robin's freshmen roomie and my first MICA crush) place. We went on a walk through Bolton Hill beforehand, and he called Ian to confirm the plans, and mentioned that he was with me. I invited Robin, Emily, and Jen, and we all went and had a really great time. Hector had to go back to Virginia for the night, so I asked if I could walk him out. He said yes--and not in a hesitant or grudging way--so I walked him out. I have to say, I was pretty tipsy. As soon as Ian's apartment door closed, Hector started power-walking out. I asked what was with the Speedy McSpeedster-ness, and he just mumbled that he "always walks fast when he's tipsy". Me: WHAT?

So, we get out to his car, and he opens his door and stands behind it. "Well, I'll see you later." Me: "Um...are you not going to hug me goodbye?" He hugs me--and not a weenie, lame hug either, a good one. I remind him about our lunch plans, and then he hesitates: "Well, I'm supposed to have lunch with Ian and Eileen when I get back..." Me: "Well, whenever you can." And he left.

UGH. I felt like an idiot for the rest of the evening--I'm trying to take into account that Hector is quiet and reserved, but this is still confusing. I even went so far as to talk to Ian about it, which was actually really funny:

Me: "Sooo...I have a megacrush on Hector."
Ian: "Psh, I know."
Me: "WHAT?! HOW?"
Ian: "When he told me he was with you tonight, when he called me."
Me: "HAS HE SAID ANYTHING?!"
Ian: "No, but I think he likes you."
Me: "???!?!?!?!"
Ian: "You're his type, you know?"
Me: "KO$ M)IF&^K FP W%$GR?!!"
Ian: "Don't sweat it--you could probably just tell him, haha!"
Me: "No, you really don't understand--"
Ian: "But he hasn't said anything to me, or I'd tell you. See ya!"
Me: *reduced to a ridiculous, quivering mass of nervous laughter*

So, that buoyed my spirits for about ten minutes, then I got into The Flat (our new nickname for our now London-themed apartment--my room is Little Italy) with Jen and Emily and I got really frustrated with myself, because of the first paragraph of this entry. I have mentioned here before that I have the tendency to not let myself be sad--I belittle my own upsettedness because I know that I do this stupid fantasy thing and I need to train myself not to.

I force myself to be fine--"I'll be fine tomorrow, I know I'm being stupid, this is dumb." People always tell me, "You're allowed to be upset, this isn't your fault. Feel what you feel." But I can't. At least not until I'm in private, and even then I berate myself. My mom gave me some advice as an adolescent for when I ran into small-to-medium frustrations or troubles: "Let yourself be a complete mess for 24-36 hours, then let it go." Now, I don't like being a mess at all, especially when I don't deserve it. There is NO REASON for me to be upset. NOTHING HAPPENED!

Bah. Why do the guys I like feel lukewarm about me, but the guys who like me are the ones I feel lukewarm about? Jen and I were lamenting that fact yesterday afternoon. Why can't I fall for someone who can fall for me so completely? Emily was great about that--she assured me that I should never settle. She told me I'm amazing, and should be with a guy who knows and acknowledges that.

But enough. I'm now concentrating my energies into getting Robin a date, which seems to be going well thus far. :) I pushed the baby bird out of the nest and he's starting to fly! (I'm lame and cheesy. :P)

Funny aside: After seeing me with both Robin and Hector, Emily hesitantly said: "I can't really see you with anyone but..."

"Robin?" Jen helpfully supplied.

"Yeah," she admitted guiltily. Aw, Em. :)

Also, hilarious. :D

:D

Okay! After a few days of suspense, I finally got to see Hector yesterday evening!

It was sort of funny, really. He arrived Sunday night--I'm not sure what time--but I didn't get to see him. The next morning, Emily W. went to graduate orientation. Mid-morning I realized Hector must be orienting as well, and lurked around campus like a creep for a couple hours hoping to spot his tour group. I'm dumb. :P

Naturally, I didn't see him, so I went home for a little while and tried to work. In that time, Hector had tweeted a photo of his vantage point at the graduate luncheon--he was sitting directly behind Emily! I tweeted him back about it, remarking on the coincidence, and he asked why she hadn't said hello, and broke the news that he would be leaving for VA that night! Emily got home at about 3:30, and I mentioned the exchange--she'd recognized Hector, actually, and had meant to say hi, but got caught up in her day, which is fine, of course, but she promised to introduce herself at the graduate dinner at 6 pm.

So, I went to the MICA store and bought a new sketchbook, then arranged myself in the park, in the shade of a tree, to sketch for awhile before Robin called, then Paul called! He's back in Baltimore, and he met me in the park before I ushered him back to my apartment to meet Emily. After a little while, Jen got home, and the three of us goofed around while Emily got ready to go back for dinner. Close to 7 pm, my phone rang. Dum-duh-duh-DUM! Triumph!

I answered, trying not to sound too eager, and Hector told me that Emily had introduced herself, and that she suggested that he come say hey--so he did! He had arrived outside at that point, so we hung up, and I hurled myself into the living room at Jen and Paul: "OMG HECTOR'S DOWNSTAIRS!", then hurled myself out of the apartment before patting my hair and proceeding calmly (but cutely) down the stairs to open the door for him. We hugged, and I showed him up to the apartment. We sat at the kitchen table and he acknowledged that it was a little weird to be with me in person, after texting and tweeting all this time. But it was comfortable and nice and we talked about our families and crazy parents and hometowns and favorite places and thesis.

He talked more than I did, which was welcome, but he listened intently to all my insanity, and he LOVED the chart on the fridge that I made about all of the Apartment 6 drama that took place amongst Rybin VanSchachlin (one link per syllable) last fall. We talked about art and his new apartment (it was nice, he was using phrases like "When you see the apartment", etc.), and he stayed about an hour. And OF COURSE, in the last two minutes of our visit, he says something about the force behind believing. I say: "I believe a lot of things." His response? "Oh, well, I don't believe in anything." UUUUGH. ANYWAY. When I walked him out, I told him we should make lunch plans for the following week, once he gets back from Virginia. He answered, "Absolutely." :D

SO, he left, and Emily returned about an hour and a half later. I immediately informed her that she's a saint, and she told me how it went down: she approached him at the dinner, and introduced herself, and mentioned that I'd shown her Ink, and that's how she knew who he was (and not through my massive crush). They laughed about the Twitter-related coincidence of sitting near each other at the luncheon, and apparently Hector remarked that the Twitter stuff is "this passive-aggressive thing [he and I] do". Hmmm. Then HE asked if I was around and what I was doing, and when Emily said I was at the apartment just hanging out. So HE said that he should stop by, which she obviously encouraged. So he did! Yay! :)

Yeah, I really don't want to wait a week to talk to him again, BUT, he'll be here all year. So.

Woo!

Classes start in less than a week. WTF. Hopefully I can get everything done!

Love,

A.

Returning to the Recent Past and other kinds of Time-Travel.

Lauren and Abby picked me up from the bus station when Robby died, and one of the first conversations we had was about his idea of the afterlife. Lauren, being as close with Robby as she was, was lucky enough to get a packet of photocopied pages directly from Robby last summer--the packet, according to Robby, summed up his ideas and beliefs about God and the world around us.

I got the chance to skim it the day before the funeral--Lauren had left it out on her bed, having finally gotten around to reading it. I'm afraid I don't remember specifics, but I remember the bulk of it having to do with reconciling God and Science into Order--to be neither purely scientific or purely religious in name. The phrase 'God of Order' was used a lot.

The point is, Lauren was vehement about Robby's salvation--"I can't believe that he's in Hell. I cannot believe that." And I agreed. But how does one get around that niggling Biblical message? John 3:16 and everything we learned about in Sunday school?

I've been coming across a few interesting passages on this subject lately, including this entry from a blog called Growing Up Lane, written by two young Catholic sisters:

"Vatican II teaches that 'Those who, through no fault of their own, do not know the gospel of Christ or his church, but who nevertheless seek God with a sincere heart, and moved by grace, try in their actions to do his will as they know it through the dictates of their consciences—those too may achieve eternal salvation (LG 16).' Also, in the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) we find this: 'Every man who is ignorant of the gospel of Christ and of his Church but seeks the truth and does the will of God in accordance with his understanding of it can be saved. It may be supposed that such persons would have desired baptism explicitly if they had known its necessity' (CCC 1260).

God has written Himself into all of our hearts, and this is known to most people as conscience. Those who seek and have a conscious desire to do good, to respond to this knowledge of God in their heart, are participating in God’s plan and serving Him as faithfully as is possible for them. Just because they are ignorant of the source of the graces and salvation they may receive, it does not mean that they cannot attain them. This, however, is not an excuse for settling for what you have and refusing to further your knowledge of God. We must continually work to join ourselves with God as intimately as possible. As Catholics, we believe that this is reached as a member of the Church that was founded by Christ, and participating in the sacraments He has given us, most importantly joining in true communion with Him through the celebration of the Eucharist.
So, 'no salvation outside of the Church' means that salvation only comes from Christ through the Church, not that only members of the Church are saved."

I am no longer Catholic, of course, but I think this is a good sum-up. While, yes, the Bible says that salvation is only for those who believe in Christ and the promises of the Crucifixion and Resurrection, this leaves a lot of holes and possibilities ('What about the pygmies who've never heard of Jesus?!'). Obviously, we can't rely on the idea that Robby didn't know anything about God or Christianity--his parents are Christians, and I know they attended a Lutheran church (I'm pretty sure it was Lutheran) as children. But, knowing that God is merciful and gave us a brain to explore, paired with the idea of God "writing Himself onto our hearts" as our conscience--the bottom line is, God doesn't want us to fail.

Another thing--and hopefully this doesn't come off as morbid--but Robby's death was one without fault. It wasn't a car accident or suicide (blessedly). It was an Act of God--I would say, a specific event that serves to further God's will. This doesn't make it a pleasant endeavor--Robby's death was intensely painful--but it offers some explanation: God's plan working through the life and death of a young man seeking knowledge. I can only hope that this explanation doesn't cause anyone to blame God.

I was flipping through my History of Silence course notes yesterday morning as well, and found two quotes I wrote in that apply:

"Because you seek Me with your whole heart, I will let Myself be found." -God to Man

and

"In my practice, actively trying to find something: it becomes there." -Keenan, (a classmate of mine)



In other news, I got a random Facebook chat message from Lacie's older brother Wesley night before last. We've never spoken ten words to each other, so this was surprising (I thought it was Lacie, at first, but the conversation quickly proved to me that it wasn't.) So, we had a game of Scrabble and we talked about my thesis project. After he beat me by 100 points, heh, we said goodnight, and he told me to let him know the next time I visit NYC (he lives there now and his pursuing his doctorate of philosophy). Hold your horses--he lives with his long-time girlfriend in the city, so no romantic interest from either side. As if.

Things with Hector are...progressing. Nicely.



:)



I also got the chance to talk on the phone with Paul for the first time in forever! It was really awesome in all--it's been a LONG time--but of course, we had to breach the Marla/Me/Robin topic. And here I thought Paul was Mr. Neutral, which is apparently not the case. He took the opportunity to knock my legs out from under me: "Then I heard Marla's side of the story and was a lot less okay with the situation after that...but I'm not getting involved. It's none of my business." GRAAR.

I actually let it slide pretty well yesterday, but today I found myself really angry. Like, REALLY angry about it. I was at the point where I was almost totally cool with everything, then that little comment threw me off. Which should be a big hint that I wasn't really okay about it. I guess it's just frustrating that I continue to be the sole perpetrator in this, that my name is the one getting kicked around eight months later. Hm.

ANYWAY. I have an awesome week-and-a-half to look forward to: Emily W. moves in tomorrow and Hector gets back Sunday, then I have my last week of work, and THEN SIX FLAGS with Colin, his girlfriend Katie, Robin, Jen, Jess, Ben, and BETSY! It'll be so fun! I can't wait. Then school. CRAP.

But I AM excited, and I can't wait to see everyone! :D Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm working on a very important conversation. :P



Love,

-A.

I believe in anything that brings you back home to me.

I've been working my patoot off since I got back from Sewickley, but I wanted to recap the events of the week briefly, while I have a moment!

The most important thing about my first day home was seeing Brian, which I did. I won't reveal much about that interaction, because it was private and special. However, it was moving and amazing to hear the way he was speaking--eloquently and simply and so honestly. Tragic and lovely.

He invited me the next day with Lauren and Abby to his cousin Lucy's house to put together some photographs of Robby for the viewing and funeral. A lot of family and friends were there, which was really touching and fun, and there was a lot of laughter--Robby was hilarious, after all--and the photos were great. Brian and Robby were dressed alike in all of the childhood photos. :)

The viewing itself was terribly sad. I arrived early, around 3:30 pm, and put a letter in the casket alongside Lauren and Abby. I watched family and friends approach the casket and leave gifts and notes and touch his arm and hair. I reconnected with Mike, Lacie's ex and my LONG ago high-school crush--he was particularly comforting to me, who didn't really know where I fit as far as closeness, and made me feel integrated. See, I'm close to Brian and Lucy and Abby, and Mr. Hague was one of my favorite teachers. I've hung out in their house, in Robby's room. Watched movies and hockey games and clip shows Robby put together. But I wasn't close to Robby, not really. Although, I realize now he always remembered to tag me in his silly Facebook photos of casts of his favorite shows. :)

I got a taste of justice as Brian, Abby, Mike, and I walked home from the post-viewing reception--we were about to cross Sewickley's main street when I saw a tall girl in a ridiculous brunette wig approach us, with a boy, from the side. Lacie. I ignored her, but I could feel Abby seize up in the same way I did directly behind me. "Mike Kerr!" Lacie called from the corner as we walked away from her.

Mike turned and waved, then shrugged--he had no idea who it was. Brian rubbed the bridge of his nose and asked, "Who was that?"

"LACIE," Abby and I practically whisper-shrieked back. It was almost too perfect--two of her ex-boyfriends, an old enemy in Abby, and me, the ex-bff.

But enough about her.

There was a reception the next morning for two hours before the funeral, and I saw a lot of teachers and old classmates, including Harton--the unattainable-senior-to-my-dorky-freshman--who kissed me on the cheek in greeting, surprisingly enough.

I made myself talk to the two most difficult people for me to approach--Robby's girlfriend Andrea and Mr. Hague. Andrea was easier--polite but responsive to my condolences. I put of Mr. Hague until the last moment, as the crowd was thinning and funneling into the sanctuary. I tried to put a kind but not-too-mushy sentence together: "Mr. Hague, look, I can't stay for the whole service, but--"

I got cut off. HE hugged ME. And thanked me. It was the most gratifying experience of my life.

The funeral itself was beautiful--I was reduced to a practical puddle the entire time. I actually ended up sitting towards the back next to Liz--MY old high school rival. She was sweet and generous to me, though, and even held my hand when I really started crying. I was lucky enough to stay for all of the eulogies before Robert picked me up. Robby's best friends JJ and Caleb spoke, and Robby's favorite aunt, and his stepdad, and Andrea, and Annie, Brian, and Mr. Hague. Each eulogy was heartfelt and perfect.

It rained that day--a cleansing rain.

I got to see a few other friends while I was home, Brandon and Emily and Joey V. Every visit was really wonderful--I've missed home and my friends. I feel disconnected from my self-appointed position of 'protector' at home and with friends. At this point, I'm pushing through the month of August (holy eff, it's AUGUST) until my friends arrive and MICA starts up again. I know I'll be complaining about work and thesis then, but anything is better than waiting.

I also have a new roommate--she moved into Betsy's room and I moved back into my old one. Her name is Emily Wade, and she's from Lynchburg, VA. She's a Christian in the way that Melissa and I are--not a casual believer. It's going to be so nice to have that companionship.

Two hours 'til I have to head out for work. Blah.

Love,

-A.