Why I Love Brian, Part Twenty-Five

Brian

i needed to put my knife in that shit

break the spell

1:48pmAlyssa

"i needed to put my knife in that shit"

??

1:49pmBrian

hahaha

it was a metaphor

a weird metaphor

1:49pmAlyssa

based on what, exactly?

1:49pmBrian

i have no idea

i just meant that by telling her, i'd be stabbing her power over me

1:49pmAlyssa

lol

oooooh

1:49pmBrian

like when jack sparrow had to stab the heart

1:49pmAlyssa

i see

1:49pmBrian

in pirates

1:49pmAlyssa

oh my god

1:49pmBrian

and it broke the spell

Returning to the Recent Past and other kinds of Time-Travel.

Lauren and Abby picked me up from the bus station when Robby died, and one of the first conversations we had was about his idea of the afterlife. Lauren, being as close with Robby as she was, was lucky enough to get a packet of photocopied pages directly from Robby last summer--the packet, according to Robby, summed up his ideas and beliefs about God and the world around us.

I got the chance to skim it the day before the funeral--Lauren had left it out on her bed, having finally gotten around to reading it. I'm afraid I don't remember specifics, but I remember the bulk of it having to do with reconciling God and Science into Order--to be neither purely scientific or purely religious in name. The phrase 'God of Order' was used a lot.

The point is, Lauren was vehement about Robby's salvation--"I can't believe that he's in Hell. I cannot believe that." And I agreed. But how does one get around that niggling Biblical message? John 3:16 and everything we learned about in Sunday school?

I've been coming across a few interesting passages on this subject lately, including this entry from a blog called Growing Up Lane, written by two young Catholic sisters:

"Vatican II teaches that 'Those who, through no fault of their own, do not know the gospel of Christ or his church, but who nevertheless seek God with a sincere heart, and moved by grace, try in their actions to do his will as they know it through the dictates of their consciences—those too may achieve eternal salvation (LG 16).' Also, in the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) we find this: 'Every man who is ignorant of the gospel of Christ and of his Church but seeks the truth and does the will of God in accordance with his understanding of it can be saved. It may be supposed that such persons would have desired baptism explicitly if they had known its necessity' (CCC 1260).

God has written Himself into all of our hearts, and this is known to most people as conscience. Those who seek and have a conscious desire to do good, to respond to this knowledge of God in their heart, are participating in God’s plan and serving Him as faithfully as is possible for them. Just because they are ignorant of the source of the graces and salvation they may receive, it does not mean that they cannot attain them. This, however, is not an excuse for settling for what you have and refusing to further your knowledge of God. We must continually work to join ourselves with God as intimately as possible. As Catholics, we believe that this is reached as a member of the Church that was founded by Christ, and participating in the sacraments He has given us, most importantly joining in true communion with Him through the celebration of the Eucharist.
So, 'no salvation outside of the Church' means that salvation only comes from Christ through the Church, not that only members of the Church are saved."

I am no longer Catholic, of course, but I think this is a good sum-up. While, yes, the Bible says that salvation is only for those who believe in Christ and the promises of the Crucifixion and Resurrection, this leaves a lot of holes and possibilities ('What about the pygmies who've never heard of Jesus?!'). Obviously, we can't rely on the idea that Robby didn't know anything about God or Christianity--his parents are Christians, and I know they attended a Lutheran church (I'm pretty sure it was Lutheran) as children. But, knowing that God is merciful and gave us a brain to explore, paired with the idea of God "writing Himself onto our hearts" as our conscience--the bottom line is, God doesn't want us to fail.

Another thing--and hopefully this doesn't come off as morbid--but Robby's death was one without fault. It wasn't a car accident or suicide (blessedly). It was an Act of God--I would say, a specific event that serves to further God's will. This doesn't make it a pleasant endeavor--Robby's death was intensely painful--but it offers some explanation: God's plan working through the life and death of a young man seeking knowledge. I can only hope that this explanation doesn't cause anyone to blame God.

I was flipping through my History of Silence course notes yesterday morning as well, and found two quotes I wrote in that apply:

"Because you seek Me with your whole heart, I will let Myself be found." -God to Man

and

"In my practice, actively trying to find something: it becomes there." -Keenan, (a classmate of mine)



In other news, I got a random Facebook chat message from Lacie's older brother Wesley night before last. We've never spoken ten words to each other, so this was surprising (I thought it was Lacie, at first, but the conversation quickly proved to me that it wasn't.) So, we had a game of Scrabble and we talked about my thesis project. After he beat me by 100 points, heh, we said goodnight, and he told me to let him know the next time I visit NYC (he lives there now and his pursuing his doctorate of philosophy). Hold your horses--he lives with his long-time girlfriend in the city, so no romantic interest from either side. As if.

Things with Hector are...progressing. Nicely.



:)



I also got the chance to talk on the phone with Paul for the first time in forever! It was really awesome in all--it's been a LONG time--but of course, we had to breach the Marla/Me/Robin topic. And here I thought Paul was Mr. Neutral, which is apparently not the case. He took the opportunity to knock my legs out from under me: "Then I heard Marla's side of the story and was a lot less okay with the situation after that...but I'm not getting involved. It's none of my business." GRAAR.

I actually let it slide pretty well yesterday, but today I found myself really angry. Like, REALLY angry about it. I was at the point where I was almost totally cool with everything, then that little comment threw me off. Which should be a big hint that I wasn't really okay about it. I guess it's just frustrating that I continue to be the sole perpetrator in this, that my name is the one getting kicked around eight months later. Hm.

ANYWAY. I have an awesome week-and-a-half to look forward to: Emily W. moves in tomorrow and Hector gets back Sunday, then I have my last week of work, and THEN SIX FLAGS with Colin, his girlfriend Katie, Robin, Jen, Jess, Ben, and BETSY! It'll be so fun! I can't wait. Then school. CRAP.

But I AM excited, and I can't wait to see everyone! :D Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm working on a very important conversation. :P



Love,

-A.

I believe in anything that brings you back home to me.

I've been working my patoot off since I got back from Sewickley, but I wanted to recap the events of the week briefly, while I have a moment!

The most important thing about my first day home was seeing Brian, which I did. I won't reveal much about that interaction, because it was private and special. However, it was moving and amazing to hear the way he was speaking--eloquently and simply and so honestly. Tragic and lovely.

He invited me the next day with Lauren and Abby to his cousin Lucy's house to put together some photographs of Robby for the viewing and funeral. A lot of family and friends were there, which was really touching and fun, and there was a lot of laughter--Robby was hilarious, after all--and the photos were great. Brian and Robby were dressed alike in all of the childhood photos. :)

The viewing itself was terribly sad. I arrived early, around 3:30 pm, and put a letter in the casket alongside Lauren and Abby. I watched family and friends approach the casket and leave gifts and notes and touch his arm and hair. I reconnected with Mike, Lacie's ex and my LONG ago high-school crush--he was particularly comforting to me, who didn't really know where I fit as far as closeness, and made me feel integrated. See, I'm close to Brian and Lucy and Abby, and Mr. Hague was one of my favorite teachers. I've hung out in their house, in Robby's room. Watched movies and hockey games and clip shows Robby put together. But I wasn't close to Robby, not really. Although, I realize now he always remembered to tag me in his silly Facebook photos of casts of his favorite shows. :)

I got a taste of justice as Brian, Abby, Mike, and I walked home from the post-viewing reception--we were about to cross Sewickley's main street when I saw a tall girl in a ridiculous brunette wig approach us, with a boy, from the side. Lacie. I ignored her, but I could feel Abby seize up in the same way I did directly behind me. "Mike Kerr!" Lacie called from the corner as we walked away from her.

Mike turned and waved, then shrugged--he had no idea who it was. Brian rubbed the bridge of his nose and asked, "Who was that?"

"LACIE," Abby and I practically whisper-shrieked back. It was almost too perfect--two of her ex-boyfriends, an old enemy in Abby, and me, the ex-bff.

But enough about her.

There was a reception the next morning for two hours before the funeral, and I saw a lot of teachers and old classmates, including Harton--the unattainable-senior-to-my-dorky-freshman--who kissed me on the cheek in greeting, surprisingly enough.

I made myself talk to the two most difficult people for me to approach--Robby's girlfriend Andrea and Mr. Hague. Andrea was easier--polite but responsive to my condolences. I put of Mr. Hague until the last moment, as the crowd was thinning and funneling into the sanctuary. I tried to put a kind but not-too-mushy sentence together: "Mr. Hague, look, I can't stay for the whole service, but--"

I got cut off. HE hugged ME. And thanked me. It was the most gratifying experience of my life.

The funeral itself was beautiful--I was reduced to a practical puddle the entire time. I actually ended up sitting towards the back next to Liz--MY old high school rival. She was sweet and generous to me, though, and even held my hand when I really started crying. I was lucky enough to stay for all of the eulogies before Robert picked me up. Robby's best friends JJ and Caleb spoke, and Robby's favorite aunt, and his stepdad, and Andrea, and Annie, Brian, and Mr. Hague. Each eulogy was heartfelt and perfect.

It rained that day--a cleansing rain.

I got to see a few other friends while I was home, Brandon and Emily and Joey V. Every visit was really wonderful--I've missed home and my friends. I feel disconnected from my self-appointed position of 'protector' at home and with friends. At this point, I'm pushing through the month of August (holy eff, it's AUGUST) until my friends arrive and MICA starts up again. I know I'll be complaining about work and thesis then, but anything is better than waiting.

I also have a new roommate--she moved into Betsy's room and I moved back into my old one. Her name is Emily Wade, and she's from Lynchburg, VA. She's a Christian in the way that Melissa and I are--not a casual believer. It's going to be so nice to have that companionship.

Two hours 'til I have to head out for work. Blah.

Love,

-A.

This sums up every conversation I've had with certain friends of mine. Guess who I am--A or B? (Also, Why I Love Brian. Parts Ten and Eleven.)

A: i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
B: yes
A: ...don't judge me

(Courtesy of www.textsfromlastnight.com)

Brian: (on Lacie) It's so true. You somehow became the big enemy. You helped her nemesis (Abby M.) take me from her then sided with [Abby].

(That one isn't particularly funny, but it's so Spot-On!)

Also...

Me: I can't wait to watch GG with you!
Brian: I can't wait to get a girl. And round the bases with her. And watch Gossip Girl with you.

:) Oh Kev--I'm glad I'm a priority. In other news, I have spent far too much time online over the last day. I'm going to finally get down to business on thesis stuff today--wish me luck and a little inspiration! :)

Love,

A.

Relief!

Finally, after THREE trips to the local Consulate, my visa application has been accepted and is on it's way to be processed.

1) One week ago: I get everything in order, only to arrive and have them surprise me with a new, random document that I have to SEND HOME TO PITTSBURGH to get signed AND notarized by my mom.

2) Today: I go in with everything signed, etc. Only a tiny scramble for my misplaced passport photo. Accepted. Yay!

3) An hour and a half later: They call me and say that they need the acceptance letters from SACI IN ITALIAN. So, I ran over the Italian copies that came with my acceptance. God damn them.

So, I'm finally taken care of. The lady said that they should be there by Tuesday, and that the Consulate in Philly is trying to get them in the mail before Christmas. I could have it before the New Year! God willing.

Dear God,

While this didn't go QUITE as smoothly as I would have liked, thanks for keeping it relatively easy to handle, despite the frustration.

Amen.

In more exciting news, I get to go home on Sunday! I'm really looking forward to seeing my family and you all and Brian and Abby M. :) And Letta especially, because she's home from boot camp now! Yay!

And then, two weeks from Sunday, I'll be getting ready to leave! OMG!

Of course I'll keep you all updated! Since I have a webcam now, maybe I'll post some video journals. If I'm not too busy working and sight-seeing! :P

Watching the rest of Hunchback, continuing from this morning. Hot damn, this movie is REALLY mature for Disney fare. I mean, it's amazing, but 'Heaven's Light/Hellfire' is the most mature and heartwrenching duet about love and sex and it is not quite appropriate for kiddies.

I'll see you guys Sunday! Hooray!

-A

P.S. I got new shoeses! They're leather oxford pumps, and they were at Target, and I got them for $13.49 because they didn't have any tags!



Cute, non?

I kind of enjoy busting the freshmens' asses.

A huge batch of disciplinary letters just got logged in to the mail for the freshmen too dumb to hide their partying, and I really enjoy when one of them comes along so I can smile smugly at them. Is that cruel? They're all incredibly spoiled and ridiculous.

This is an actual conversation my friend had with one of them:

Dumb Freshman Girl: Excuse me, can you smell this milk for me?
Tiff: Sorry?
DFG: I just need to know if it's bad.
T: Did you check the expiration date?
DFG: Yeah, it's not expired yet. I didn't refrigerate it, and it smells weird.
T: You DIDN'T refrigerate it?
DFG: I didn't know you were supposed to.
T: ...
DFG: My mom does all the grocery shopping.
T: You've never helped her put away the groceries?
DFG: That's what our maid is for.

SRSLY.

ETA: OKAY. A girl just asked me if I knew why her mail key wasn't working. Why, yes, I'm well-acquainted with the inner mechanical workings of these 15-year-old mailbox locks. *eyeroll*

It's a little gross. Or a LOT gross.

So, yeah, I'm very stern with them. I do my best to be intimidating, actually. I'm scary. :P

But you all guys know me better than that. ;)

Anyway, I realize I haven't explained two situations: my roommates and Lacie.

Me, my roommates, and our two male fixtures: Let's see if you can follow this--

My best friend at MICA is Robin, who liked Betsy, but Betsy likes Ryan who's hooking up with Jen who's still interested in her ex-boyfriend Dylan (who is from Squirrel Hill, by the way). AND Betsy is still mourning her recent ex, who ended their 5-year relationship in June.

Sheesh.

Betsy just started talking to her ex again, and it has been the cause of several loud fights with her mom over the phone that ring clearly through the narrow hallway of our apartment.

So, on to Lacie: She defriended me a week ago for absolutely no good reason. She defriended me because I deigned to still like Abby M., Brian's pre-and-post-Lacie flame. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Then she shaved her head and deleted her Facebook entirely. Yup. It happened.

It just started raining, and my first listen to Jack's Mannequin's new album, The Glass Passenger is winding down. It's a good album. :)

Also, to whoever watched Gossip Girl last night--WHAT. Also, Lacie reminds me far too much of Queen!Serena to be entirely comfortable.

It just reminds me how good you all are to me, and how blessed I am to have you.

Muah!

-Alyssa

Time is going so fast, and SO SLOW.

So fast because there's a month left before we all split up again--we have less than three weeks together before school--and slow because you guys aren't home yet!

We have to stretch the time we have together out as far as we can. I don't care if I sleep in that time, I just want to spend time with all of you.

Lacie and Brian broke up, and I'm semi-avoiding Lacie right now. She apparently took it well, but I just want this to be over. That's another reason time is going so slowly. I can't get away from this situation quickly enough.

It's like, I can't even pinpoint why I'm mad. I'm furious with her, but why? I can't articulate it. I'm mad because she's crazy. That sounds ridiculous! I'm mad because she doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut. I'm mad because she wants everyone to tell her what to do and how to get better, but she wants to do it on her own terms. She wants help and she doesn't. A great deal of her revels in her Crazy. I'm mad because she's selfish, but she pretends she's not. I'm mad because she disappears. I'm mad because she's so damn put-upon. I'm mad because she thinks she's Cinderella. I'm mad because, as well as she's doing physically, she's so far gone mentally, I can't even know what will happen when she moves in with Rachel. I'm mad because she's going to live with Rachel. I'm mad that she won't listen to me, but is constantly after my counsel. I'm mad because she doesn't REALLY want to hear my thoughts, she just wants me to agree with her when she says Abby Maurice is going to steal Brian or whatever bullshit she's come up with. I'm mad because I think she's lying to me.

I'm also mad at myself because I think she's lying. I feel terrible because no one would/should lie about what I think she is lying about.

I'm also mad that I've been alone all summer. I'm not mad at any of you--I love you, and we all have lives, naturally. But I've been so unbelievably lonely and stressed out. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. This is the third time I've cried today (Although I could attribute this to my period). Last night I hung out with Brian and three of "Lauren's Friends", sans-Lauren, and it was the most fun I've had since you guys left. I ESCAPE to work. I only feel calm in my house when I'm alone in it.

I don't feel like I'm being taken care of by the people that are available to me. I'm not being taken care of by my friends or my family. I'm being taken care of by my co-workers, and my sister's friends, and my friend's now ex-boyfriend.

I'm so sad, and I don't know how not to be right now, and that's so scary to me. You guys know I'm not a sad person. You guys know me better than anyone right now. I just want to be with you, and be away from all of this Crazy. My mom's Crazy, my sister's Crazy, Lacie's Crazy, lonely Crazy. Even my own Crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy on my own here. Thank God we live in modern civilization with phones and blogs so I can keep myself anchored to you all, but MAN, has this been challenging.

You know, this was going to be an excited blog? I am so excited about you guys coming home, and look what it deteriorated into! Some dramatic blogging by yours truly. :P

I hate to be this heavy. You guys know how much I love to be upbeat and everything. And I am okay--I will be fine! Promise! Hurry back! :D

Love,
Alyssa