Sheesh.

Okay, be prepared, because I'm about to go into a ramble.

As most of you know, the little box under my Facebook profile picture says "I want undiluted love." This is very true. My friends know this and have referenced my own phrase to me several times when I've expressed hesitance with a guy--several guys since I've returned to Baltimore (as you may have read).

I appreciate what they are trying to say--plainly, "WHY ARE YOU HESITATING, YOU DUMMY?" These inputs, paired with my own observations, can be ironed out into these points:

1. It's easier to love than be loved/be halfway.

When I'm interested in someone, I can handle the person not feeling the same way. It still sucks--don't get me wrong--but then, like with any rejection, one can have the freedom and the right to feel sad, angry, hurt, upset, etc.

For me, I'm in this awkward and limiting place where I can't summon the same feelings or potential for those feelings. This is a natural thing--we don't fall in love with everyone who is interested in us. Doy. However, I feel stifled when I can't reciprocate more than a little. :/ (Not that this is every case, but I'm never 'all-there' for that other person.) It's so hard to "have the control" in the situation, when I don't have control over my own feelings!

2. It sounds self-centered--"Oh, all these boys love me, what am I going to do?!"

I hate looking like some fickle asshole jerking guys around--I was best friends with those butthead girls, and I don't want to become one, having disengaged myself from that behavior in others already. I hate looking like a tease, or careless. The last thing I want to do is give someone the wrong impression, but it feels like setting myself up for failure to SAY 'Oh, I'm just trying you out--we'll see if I like you someday.'

3. I don't just feel like there's something missing in one situation, or two, but in myself.

The biggest frustration is feeling like there's something wrong with ME in not being able to feel for these boys in return. Now, don't get me wrong--sometimes I felt exactly what I was meant to (Nick and Chris were total wastes of time, for example, and I 'm glad I didn't waste any feelings on them), but there have been awesome guys that care about me that I can't be 100% for when they really deserve it!

I've written before that I want to be able to work and grow in my feelings alongside the other person, together. That is made very difficult when the other person is leaps ahead of me in regards to their feelings about me. That is nothing they've done wrong, in the least. It's a complete honor--just a lot of pressure.

I had a much-needed phone call with Melissa last night--I've been in a bit of a faith rut recently, and that call with her was so helpful in reassuring me that I need to stop stressing myself out. I'll feel for a man when it's supposed to happen, whoever it's with. Whew. She also reminded me of a certain line in Song of Solomon (2:7) that I need to keep in mind:

In my Bible (NAS), it says this, "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the hinds of the field, That you do not arouse or awaken my love Until she pleases."

Melissa's version (NIV) says this: "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Her translation is much prettier, and well, applicable. :)

I have to be patient. (Dammit.)

An unrelated eyeroll, from the first paragraph of Lacie's new blog: "I'm tempted to write something serious or consequential about my recent fall from grace, my new crush, my penniless existence, or my complete state of unbelief and the apparent utter loss of a future. Instead, however, I'd like to revert back to focusing on my one, true love, fashion."

Yesterday was a lovely day off--I got some errands run, wrote a letter and a nice, long diary entry (6th handwritten diary begun--woo!), watched The Other Boleyn Girl and had bonding time with Kirsi, and got my phone charger back! I'm connected with the real world again! :P

Today will be as productive and relaxing, hopefully. It's already gotten off to a good start! I went into the Main Building this morning for some Financial Aid stuff, and ran smack into some conservators restoring the plaster casts in the lobby! I watched them for a little bit, and started talking to them about programs and opportunities. Ugh--before I'd even APPLY to a program I need two years of chem. And then art history (which I've mostly done) and languages (a working knowledge of reading French and German for NYU). Eesh. There are only four art conservation programs in the country--and only three I'd really consider: NYU (LOLASIFI'DGETIN), University of Delaware (where Diane and Lori, the conservators, attended), and UCLA/Getty. Ugh. It's all so competitive and scary!

Alyssa, concentrate on NOW. TODAY. Sheesh.

God, you are good. :) I see the little things, little hints and bits of information and possibilities you set out for me. Thanks.

Robin visited this weekend, which was great! We watched The Room, as planned, and I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF. It was so bad/good. Go watch it. NOW.

Having some alone time with Robin for the first time since January was also wonderful--I missed us! :) Although I have to say, we get on each other's nerves x1,000,000,000 now. Why is that? We argued way more than we ever did before this weekend. But we always apologized. :P

I also went to New Jersey, to see Harry Potter with John and his friends--that was also a very successful trip, and one of the reasons I went on the above ramble in the first place. His family and friends are wonderful, and I felt entirely comfortable and welcomed by them (with the exception of his ex, which is to be expected). John has invited me to go with him and his family and a few friends to his beach house in Delaware next month, which I would love. Finally, a chance to break out the bathing suit I got in Corsica! :P But seriously, it would be a great chance to spend more time with the awesome people in his life.

Especially his mom--I was the most nervous about meeting her after what we now refer to as "The Talk", but she was down-to-earth and fun and funny and very willing to joke about John's ex. :D She's a lot of fun and we really bonded.

ANYWAY, I have some thesis stuffs to do, then watching Closer before I have to return it to the video store. I don't think I ever described much about my thesis project, have I? I won't say too, too much, but I was inspired by David, who told me about an abandoned subway station his friend took him to. I'll just say there's a sort of escapist fantasy involved. :)

I hope you all have an awesome day. :) I'll try and update more, and better!

Love,

-A.

Not a bad cure for restlessness...

Today was an unproductive day for the most part, but I got to talk to a lot of awesome people. :)

I had my second interview at the Hard Rock Cafe today, and was invited back for a third on Monday morning. Wish me luck!

I arrived a little early for the interview, which was at 11, and then ended up waiting an extra hour in Barnes & Noble, starting a book called Thirteen Reasons Why that I intend to buy as a reward if I get the HRC job. Never mind that I went right back to B&N and finished it after my interview was over. :P It's excellent, I completely recommend it. I especially recommend that you call me first and let me read it to you. :D

On my ride home on the light rail, David called me just to catch up, and aside from being incredibly supportive ("Whoever sent tht Honesty Box message is obviously in love with you. They are so jealous of your confidence."), is always so interested in what is going on in my life. It's really nice. :)

I chatted with him when I got home, and got to talk to my Mom for the first time in forever! She's been busy working and doing her thing, so I haven't been able to talk with her as much as I'd like. Ever since going to Italy, since our communication was so patchy, I got used to telling her only the abbreviated versions of the news in my life. It was just nice to get it all out with her and hear her input. It's not that I need her input, but it puts me at ease to hear from her. :)

However, she did bring up Dad, and the shit he's been pulling with KJ, which makes me sick to my stomach. He takes KJ for an hour on Stanley Cup playoff days, and drops him off at Mom's before watching the games elsewhere with HIS friends. He talked about this No Doubt concert all week with KJ, only to be taking his wife, her daughter, and her friend. Not KJ. >:( It makes me so angry I can hardly speak.

But I don't want to concentrate on that. KJ is over it--he's angry, but he knows Dad is a dick. It just makes me sad because since Mom will be traveling all summer for work, Dad is supposed to be the point-man. UGH. I just remembered what else Dad said. KJ told Dad that he was supposed to be in charge while Mom is gone, and Dad said this (brace yourself): "So, I guess your Mom will be giving me back my child support, then?"

>:O SERIOUSLY. GOD DAMMIT.

Once again, I can't think about this for too long without wanting to vomit.

Thankfully, I got a distraction towards the end of our conversation--the doorbell rang. My eBay dress arrived four days earlier than I expected! I got off the phone with Mom--making sure she knows just how grateful I am for her--and tried on my dress with my new stapless long-line bra. The dress was even more lovely than I imagined, and it fit me perfectly! So, so gorgeous. :D Maybe I can have Betsy take some photos of me in it before she moves out on Saturday and post them here. :)

Betsy and Ben [not Bennett] arrived back at my apartment after some errands. After admiring my dress :P, we talked a bit and caught up and then Ben left and our friend Claire came over and I'm now listening to Betsy and Claire talk about this past semester, catching up and reflecting for a last visit.

It's really sad to think about Betsy leaving--I know that we'll see each other and keep in touch, for sure, but we've gotten so close and get each other so completely. I know that I don't have that with Jen, and I usually have at least one roommate I connect with on that kind of level. We'll see who our next third is this coming semester. :/

I'm doing well. I'm taking things one day at a time, and I'm reminding myself to keep it up every day--I get ahead of myself so often. And exchange I had with Mom today said it best:

Me: I don't know, I've probably been making it more dramatic and difficult than I should.
Mom: Well, that's just you.

It was good-natured, which is unusual for criticism from my Mom. :) It was almost a compliment, in a way. :P

So, the most important thing in my life for the next day is GAME 7 WOOOOO!!!!! And after that, my interview! Good thoughts for both, please! :D

Love,

-A.

Why I Love David. (Sorry, Brian!)

"you always have so many suitors, reading your blog is like reading pride and prejudice"

-David

:)

You know--people (my roommates and MICA friends, mostly) have been telling me for months that I always seem to have a string of boys at my beck and call. I never saw it until I returned from Italy and it all exploded--I think I strike up flirtations, and occasionally make it to the first date, but then it all sort of dissipates from there. :/ It's happened with Ben, Eric, Dan (on a larger level), Doctor Hottie--and obviously things with the guys who actually stick it out long enough to be my boyfriends don't work out. That doesn't make me sad, really--it's just kind of frustrating.

Don't get me wrong. I really like 'playing the field' and all, but I'm worth the time. Now, that isn't the boys' fault, necessarily. Sometimes we just don't mesh, and that's totally fine. I guess I'm just sick of running into walls. :/

But, I figure, if I keep thinking I'm going to meet my true love in the next boy, or the next one, I know I'll be disappointed. Time to think in the now! :)

Love you all--

-A.

HOLY SHIT IT'S APRIL.

Wow, guys. Two weeks and I'll be home with you! Can you believe it?!!!! I can't.

Not much new here, getting more work done on my comic, for sure! It's coming along really, really well, if I do say so myself.

David and I have been bonding awesomely! We get along so, so well, and we can talk about anything! It's been a huge relief to me--it's not that I don't feel comfortable talking to Mel or my roommates, but I guess I just feel like David is more sympathetic to me. We understand why the other is frustrated--we can level with each other without offering advice about how to react to something. I'll miss him!

Other than that, I've been thinking about classes for next semester, and enjoying the warmer weather--all standard positives!

I've been chatting with John on our Facebook wall about getting a few classes together next semester, and I got a really nice reply message from Casey (Robin's friend from high school, remember him from way back over Winter Break?), detailing how his semester is going. I messaged him back in January, and I was curious to see how he was doing--Casey and I got along really well, and I have to say, I want to keep hanging out with Robin's friends!

Emily--I found out my Painting Conservation final is this coming Thursday, and I'm supposed to come out to you on Wednesday. :/ I'm going to try and talk my teacher into letting me take it Wednesday morning, which would be IDEAL, because then all my written tests/shows would be out of the way, save my Etching finals, and I'll have another week to take care of that. :) I'll let you know how it goes down. Worst comes to worst, I'll have to come in on Thursday night. :((( Is that a super-issue?

Okay, I have to go, but I love you guys, and I miss you!

-A.

Ciao, Venezia!

So, this weekend was a sometimes-fun, sometimes-obnoxious foray into Venice Carnevale!

Me, Mel, and three of the four members of #10 (Noel, Morgan, and Emma) caught the train out of Florence at 8:30 AM on Friday morning, and made it into Venice, and into the hotel by noon. Once good thing I can say about the cheap-but-should-have-been-cheaper hotel was that it was WARM. Venice was freezing! Naturally, being near all that water.

Friday was really amazing--we got the obvious gondola ride (but at 20 euro less than usual! Score!). We had the privilege of having a cute gondolier, Thomaso, who informed us that one needs over 6 YEARS of training to be a gondolier! Holy EFF.

After the ride, we hit the market at Piazza San Polo, where we saw the hot Catholic priest calendars that make me want to weep--the cover priest should not withhold his glorious genes from humanity! Interestingly enough, there was also a hot gondolier calendar, and we started joking around about Thomaso being in it, and lo and behold! He was Mr. August! That was pretty fantastic, to say the least. :)

That night, we got all gussied up in our masks, and hung out in one of the piazzas with live music, apparently cobbled together by three drummers, a sax player, a trumpeteer, and a tambourine. Fun, but all the shoving and bumping kind of made me want to smack a bitch. We poured ourselves into bed around three AM.

Saturday was okay--a lot more people in the city, that's for sure. The density must have tripled overnight! Mel and I went separately from Noel, Morgan and Emma, who decided that sleeping was more imporant than being in VENICE. WHATEVER. We met up with the missing member of #10, David, briefly, then with our other roommates and our building-mates (who came to Venice with SACI), and hung out at Piazza San Marco for the afternoon, tooling around in our masks and feeding the pigeons, who are not shy and WILL land on you if you prompt them.



BAM. (My new profile pic, naturalement.)

Melissa and I made it out of Venice after an HOUR of shoving through the crowd, but we made it to the bus, met up with our oversleeping travel buddies, and caught the train home. We. Were. EXHAUSTED. To say the very least. But that didn't stop Me, Mel, and Emma from staying up 'til 3 AM to watch Green Wing, which is the UK's solution to Scrubs, but BETTER.

Sidenote: I've been making a ton of allusions to how awesome "Hey Arnold!" was this week. Like, a TON.

Sunday was lazy--Mel and I just lounged around, made a big breakfast, then got a pancake dinner. :) I had a mini-freak out about money and my art and the future, and I was reminded of how lucky I am to be friends and roommates with Mel. Once again. :) As if I could forget!

Today was fine--went to Santa Maria Novella and sent my belated V-Day gift to Robin. I have to run, actually, I'm making dinner for my roomies tonight and I need to pick up a few things!

I love you guys, and I'll try and be less of a lame about updating! (Although I must say, I'm keeping up the best out of all of you! Save Ab-Fab, who seems to be on-par. Ab--how are you and G? Everything good?)

Have a great day!

-A.

P.S. Did I mention my mom is OFFICIALLY ENGAGED?! WOOOOOOOO!

The Marcato.

Let me briefly describe a trip to the Marcato Centrale.

You walk past hundreds of street vendors, selling t-shirts and leather goods, and telling women that they'll give them a "deal for [their] pretty smile".

Then you get to the warehouse, and you walk up the steps and into a wall of raw meat smell, which isn't pleasant, but somehow amazing to see all of the butchers with their aprons stained with pinkish blood carving up chickens and pigs and cows. I even saw a whole rabbit carcass today, frozen in mid-leap, but on it's back, skinned and tasty-looking.

The first floor is all meat, cheese and bread (there's a cute bread stand with yummy baguettes where the workers wear straw hats with sunflowers on them). There's a candy stand and a few produce stands, but the good produce is on the second floor. You can get almost anything there. Dried fruit, nuts, blood oranges, delicious apples. God, so GOOD!

It's hard to order what you want initially, especially if you don't know the numbers. So you do a lot of pointing and holding up the right number of fingers, until you learn to say "Una uva moscotello" (a scoop of black raisins), et cetera. It's actually really rewarding once you get through a transaction by yourself, even if you use a little English. :P

It's always a bustle, and I like going, even if it is a walk to get there. :) And, bonus! There's a Bank that ACTUALLY changes money nearby! Pretty amazing.

I got to talk to my mom and Robin yesterday. Mom is doing fine, and KJ (for the brief time we spoke) seems just as silent on the phone as usual. :P I'm sorry I missed you Em! When I got off with Robin you had signed off! I'll catch you soon.

Me, Mel and #10 (what I call Noel, Emma, Morgan, and David's apartment) watched Hook and ate half-price gelato, which was TRES tasty. (Or MOLTO, my bad.) ALSO, I found out that David watches Gossip Girl! We totally bonded, and we have a date to watch the new episode tonight (Obviously not a real date, just a nerdy GG one)! He is the BEST. EVER. :P

I love and miss you guys! How are all of you? Update!

Muah!

-A.

Spending money=SUCK.

I just spend 50 euro on Student Medical Insurance, after putting it off as long as I possibly could. :( Boo on spending money. I didn't want to spend half my money in the first month.

BUT, despite any trouble with money, I'm getting adjusted more and more. I think I've been a bit of a burden on Mel, which I didn't want. Now that she's succumbing to being overwhelmed, I'm starting to see that she wasn't as peaceful and ready as I first thought. But I am glad she's here--I know she was placed here alongside me for a reason. I jsut hope I can be as supportive of her as she's been of me.

Anyway, I got to talk to Robin yesterday for almost two hours, which was AWESOME. It brightened my day, and while it made me miss him more, I felt better afterwards.

Then I went out with Mel and David and Sarah and Emma to this little restaurant next door where they had incredibly tasty pizze.

I miss you guys a lot, but I know I'll at least see Em over Spring Break, so I'm holding out for that! March, here we come! A month and a half to go! :P

I have a day off today, and I'm going to the Marcato Centrale to get some food for the next few days. I love you guys and I'll talk to you soon!

-A.

OKAY, NEW PLAN.

I'll be online tonight between 9:30 and 12, which means 3:30 and 6 to you dear people. :) Come talk to me and let me tell you how much I miss you!

People I've hung out with so far:

-Morgan: Tall, blonde, and full-figured (AKA typical American bombshell to the Italian boys), she's very funny, and although she likes her party-time, she's no bimbo. She also happens to live right off Mt. Nebo Road!

-Christine and Emily: My roommates, who are Penn State girls, and kind of boring. Nice enough, though. Emily seems a little brighter, but Christine is more kind-hearted.

-David: ONLY THE SWEETEST GUY TO WALK THE EARTH! I don't think he knows how to be mean to people. He is thoughtful, considerate, kind, attentive, and interested in what everyone has to say. And you should see the way he talks about his girlfriend! (Of four years! Wow!) Shame he lives the farthest away in the US--all way way in upstate NY.

Just got out of the first half of my Conservation of Archeological Objects class. Pretty amazing so far. My teachers are an old Italian man who speaks ZERO Inglese, but has 40 years of experience, and a young Italian female translator/conservator. It seems like it's going to be an amazing class. We got to check out some 1500 year old artifacts from some Etruscan tombs (not touching yet, of course), and we started our study by putting together broken terra cotta pots, like plant pots, to practice for the real thing, which will be WAY more difficult. But it's been surprisingly fun! (If a little frustrating at times!)

The Giardini Boboli were stunning--I'll be putting up photos on Facebook tonight!

Talk to you tonight, I hope!

Love,

A.