Finally!

My wisdom teeth are gone! My surgery was this morning at about 8 AM. I was glad to get it over with after this monstrosity of a situation from earlier this year.

I admit, I was nervous about going under anesthesia, but I don't even remember falling asleep. I barely remember waking up! I just remember being helped over to recovery and getting oddly weepy for some reason--although I don't think any actual tears were shed.

Brandon was a super-trooper and took me to and from the doctor's this morning, and Mom has been readily available to me all day. :) I'm sore, but not too swollen. I wish I could drink something, but I'm too nervous about disrupting the blood clot (which still isn't forming, over 4 hours later >:( ) and getting a dry socket, which I hear are the absolute WORST.

Might feel up to a milkshake later, though. :P

In other news, things in the house have gotten a lot better--although there have been bumps! John and Mom's fiance have had one phone conversation, which cleared up a lot of angst on both sides. I'm optimistic that things will turn out, in time.

It's John's 22nd birthday tomorrow, and I've sent him some goodies in the mail to tie him over until I can see him in person. I know, almost a year of dating, plus engagement and I'm missing his birthday because of work and teeth. But I'll be there at the beginning of September for our one-year anniversary!

On a sadder note, tomorrow is also the anniversary of Robby's death. I've been spending a lot of quality time with Brian this summer--well, as much as our schedules will allow anyway--and that's meant a lot to me. Brian's one of my best friends, and I'm really proud of him.

There's a tailgate being held for Robby at a Pittsburgh Pirate game in two weeks, which should be a really great event in his memory.

Mom just made me a milkshake, so I'm going to enjoy that and watch some crappy daytime TV! :D

Wish me a speedy recovery!

Love,

A.

Some news. :)

I miss John. :(

But today was good--I had lunch AND dinner with my dad and filled him in (sort of) about things going on in my life. I also got to hang out with Brian, who did not, unfortunately, offer any more 'Why I Love Brian' fodder, but did show me 'Just Wait', an incredibly trippy, hilarious, and WEIRD movie he and his friends made when we were in high school. It was nice to catch up and just hang out with someone.

Just one more full day before I head on back to Baltimore. Brandon is driving me to the bus station on Wednesday--thanks, Brandon! :)

But, on to the 'news' I was referring to...

I've started talking to my family about my future with John. This has been a little nerve-wracking, but as with all things, I'm usually blowing it out of proportion and it's fine when I just DO IT. But, for all you reading: I am very much in love with John, and I am certain of his complete commitment to me. So...we're ready to start working towards the big 'M'. EEEP! (Mom was surprisingly cool about this, with the caveat that we work towards it slowly and with jobs, which I completely intended.)

I love you all, and I'm really looking forward to sharing this journey with you!

Love,

A.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Belatedly.

Welcome 2010!

New Year's was the first super-fun one I've had in a while. John and I went to Em's and Bri and Drea and Nickles were there, awesomely. It was low-key and dorky--we played Apples-to-Apples (Drea and I tied for the win with ten cards each)--and made fun of how Dick Clark is a corpse. (Am I right?) And J. Lo's HORRIFIC (Whore-iffic?) outfit! D:

Either way, John and I got to celebrate New Year's together (his first kiss on New Year's, woo!) with people that I really love and care about and do not see NEARLY enough (hint hint).

We had a lovely visit with Joey V. a few days back. Three mimosas for me, one for John, and a vodka martini (dirty) for Joey. But it didn't take nearly that amount of alcohol for Joey and I to get catty about high school people. :D We're fun.

Lauren is headed back to Athens, Ohio and Ohio University today--she could not be more excited. Six weeks in Sewickley is not exactly Lauren's favorite thing. She met John this week, and seemed to jive with him just fine (naturally)! (Although I did get one punch in the face)

John and I drive back to New Jersey on the 6th--we're meeting with Brandon today, and hopefully grabbing lunch with Em, Drea, etc. before we leave!

OMG HOW COULD I FORGET LUKE AND JESS GOT ENGAGED WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

ANYWAY, Betsy called me yesterday. We had discussed the idea of me spending the summer with her at Mercersburg Academy (in PA, near State College) as a videographer while she photographed. Honestly, I'd forgotten all about it and was pretty set on trying for internships, etc. This opportunity is good money, however, and I really don't need that much experience. I'm thinking about it.

(I'd need to find a way to get iMovie onto my PC. The fact that I only need to know iMovie makes me far more qualified than I would EVER be in the true videography world.)

Hope you're all having a wonderful break! :D Two and a half weeks until my LAST semester begins! EESH!

Love,

-A.

Christmas Update!

For Christmas Eve, it is the usual tradition that we go to my Mimi and Pappy's and see my mom's side of the family. It is equally traditional that my mom hates it. This year was a bit better because we didn't stay for dinner, and my aunts and uncles were interested to hear about John, so I had something more enjoyable to talk about than what I'm going to do after graduation. We didn't stay for a proper dinner after all, but left early and hung out at home before attending a 9pm candlelight service and the Presbyterian church where Robert now works.

Christmas was fairly small as far as gifts (although my laptop was a combination birthday/Christmas gift)--money, gift cards, earphones from KJ, a monogrammed shot glass from Lauren (:P), a massive book on American artists from my aunt, a funny little Christmas-themed cutting board from my Nana, and a set of pens from Mom and Robert so I can write their wedding invitations! My stocking also contained these stunning little gold post earrings with sapphires and diamonds in them. So small and delicate, but one of the favorite things I received. Not too shabby. Plus, I know John has something big and spectacular coming (he's only been bragging about it since Fall Break--SERIOUSLY). So, I'm feeling fairly lame about my just-under-medium-sized gift in comparison, but I think (hope) he'll like it. :)

Christmas Day itself is spent at my Dad's in the morning, then at his youngest sister's (it was the first Christmas without middle sister Suzanne), and Lauren, KJ, and I get to catch up with our cousins and eat some delicious brunch. Yum, yum.

We spent Christmas night at home with a yummy turkey dinner by Mom and some family bonding.

Overall a rather uneventful Christmas, but not an unpleasant one. This weekend was nice because I got to sing two fantastic songs for trio with Robert and Mom, then catch up with Abby C, Joey V. and Brandon, and I got to take care of 65% of my TJ Maxx gift card and get some DELIGHTFUL dark-wash jeans that fit me like a dream (yaaay!) and a couple new undergarments (also yay, as I am hard to fit!). Not a bad way to spend the day. However, I've managed to not eat at all today, so I'm going to rectify that situation!

Also, John gets in again tomorrow night! Woo!

Hope you're all having a wonderful holiday! :D

Hopefully the Summer of Death has passed on as well...

It's been an emotional week over here--my Aunt Suzanne, who was diagnosed with cancer in May, died on Tuesday at about 5 AM--my Dad called me while I was in class, and there was this moment of confusion: 'Why is he calling? We just talked a few days ago...' Then it struck me that Suzanne must have died--he'd mentioned in the last call that there wasn't much longer. I slipped out of class and listened to the voicemail he left--sure enough, she'd died. I called him back, and he told me he and Lisa were the last people to see her--they tucked her in around midnight. She's being cremated, so he said he'd call back when they had plans for a memorial--it didn't have to be right away because she isn't being interred.

I was sad for Dad, and for Suzanne's live-in boyfriend and his son. It's odd, because I was out-of-town for the entirety of Suzanne's treatment, save Robby's funeral, and I barely saw my DAD that weekend, let alone had the chance to visit Suzanne. It's like it didn't happen.

I'm not super-close to my Dad's family, but Suzanne was absolutely the aunt that made the most effort with us. Remembered our birthdays, etc. She, like the rest of Dad's side, had her major issues, but she was fun and sweet and good-hearted.

The rest of the week was fine, if less productive than I'd have liked (story of my life)--John and I attended our first read-through on Saturday. It went well, although we all still have work to do. I need to learn how to make a British accent sound natural in two months' time. Get excited. And John and I were getting pretty excited about the trip to Annapolis we planned for this coming weekend to attend the Navy Homecoming football game with his family, even though we'd have to miss a rehearsal, which is whatever, because the game is a great opportunity to bond with John's people. (Again.) :)

Sunday was a particularly full day--Emily, John, and I got up early to go to the farmer's market with Melissa and a cute little junior named Mika, which was a lot of fun--we sang Disney songs. :D Afterwards, Em, John, Jen and I attended church. I was so thankful that Jen decided to attend with us, and to me complete joy, she loved it, and wants to keep coming with us! I'm really excited for that. The service itself was really great--we arrived a bit late, but we managed to integrate ourselves into the congregation during the sign of peace. Perfect timing. :P

The message was about poverty and wealth, and about the provisions of God, which is something I struggle with. I've been getting better about it, though! It was just good to have that reinforcement--God will always provide, and he has.

Dad called while I was in church--during the week, I talked to both Mom and Lauren about coming home for the service, etc. Lauren and I both expressed reluctance--it's inconvenient and expensive to get home, not to mention that we're not on the best terms with Dad. However, we also knew he'd take it as a personal insult if we were to explain that we're busy (I'm a senior in the midst of thesis. and Lauren is still getting used to a whole new school), and would take it out on us for months/years to come.

Dad left a voicemail, which I listened to after the service. As it turns out, the memorial service was planned for Saturday, the same day as the football game. :( Agonizing decision time. So, I called Lauren, who decided that she may as well go home for it (She also noted that I should "Just go to the game--repayment for all the times Dad bailed on us.", which is ungenerous, but not unfair.). Mom sympathized with me, and we weighed the options together (1. Have a fun weekend with my boyfriend's family and make sure Dad writes me out of his will. 2. Go home and sit in my Nana's parlor for an hour and half, hating life, but still ensuring $300 for Dad come Christmas).

The frustrating part was that I knew what I had to do, but it's very difficult to accept the fact that I would get no grace from him in this, and I honestly need the small sum he gives me every year for school. I hate having to depend on someone unreliable, but as pathetic as it is, I made the choice to go home and ensure that sum. Obviously John was understanding and encouraging (as he always is, the dear), but I was still pretty disappointed that I'd have to miss out on time with him and with his family, especially as The Girlfriend instead of The Mystery Friend-Thing. :P

I called Dad back, and without mentioning the game, told him that I intended to come home. He gave me a little relief by saying he'll be paying for my ticket home and back, which is nice, and I am starting to look forward to seeing Lauren and Brian (I miss making 'Why I Love Brian' posts--we haven't talked much lately) and Brandon, and Mom and KJ. I wouldn't have made it back until Thanksgiving, otherwise. And I do feel good about going back to be with Dad, even if it's hard to be the bigger person. I can do it and I'll try and be charitable.

As I mentioned in my last entry, John met my parents and godparents last weekend. It went quite well--Kathleen (my godmother) was completely charmed by him ("He's CATHOLIC?!! How wonderful!") and while my godfather Dane and my Mom goofed on his nerdiness, they liked him a lot as well. Mom came to Baltimore on the evening of the 14th and had dinner with John and I, which also went well, and I brought up the idea of bringing John home for Thanksgiving, which she was very receptive to. Unfortunately, John's mom was less into the whole thing, and put the kibosh on that pretty quickly, which I understood, as Thanksiving is her holiday in New Jersey, blahblahfamilytime.

However, despite her reluctance to let John travel one state over for Thanksgiving, she is apparently willing to pay for half of my plane ticket to go to England with John and two of our friends--they're going for Spring Break to visit John's friends from Bournemouth (where he studied this past spring). Now, this SOUNDS great, and I would love to be able to do it, but A) My mom is VERY against this idea ("You'd be traveling with a boy who is not your husband!"). Granted, I would go anyway, but that brings us to B) Even half a ticket is out of my price range.

My solution: Ask Dad for a Christmas/Graduation gift. :D Sounds perfect, right? Cue Aunt Suzanne's death. That sounds insensitive--I don't consider Suzanne's death a burden in that way--but truly, it is not the right time to be asking for money to be whisked away to Europe for a week. But who knows, maybe when I go home we'll talk about it.

But NOW, as this entry took me a day and a half to complete and post, it's time to go to my first one-on-one rehearsal with Kristin as Alice! It should be fun.

Love--

-A.

I fear the drop, but once I get started...

Last Friday afternoon, Colin, who organized our Six Flags trip, Facebook-chatted me with the warning that hurricane-level rains/storms would be hitting NJ the following day, and could we maybe take the trip Sunday instead? Now, the trip had already been rescheduled once, and I had work on Sunday, not to mention that this was short-notice and this had been a seven-day forecast. I told him no way.

SO, I woke up at 7:20 AM the next morning, and called Robin five times to make sure HE was up and moving. Jen and I walked down to Colin/Katie's place at eight and met up with the three of them and Jess, who drove from Frederick, MD to be with us! We had some coffee and chit-chatted before driving out at 8:30.

The drive was easy, and a lot of fun--I actually felt so joyful to be spending time with these new friends. Colin drove, Robin was in the passenger seat, Katie, Jess, and I were in the back seat, and Jen was in the way back, where there were two extra seats one can pull out for children. :P The only hassle we ran into was a little bit of traffic about ten miles outside of the park.

We finally arrived, and the sky looked grey and it had already rained, but we were hopeful. After all, the park was nearly empty, which is always good. We met Betsy (!) in the entrance of the park, where she'd been cooling her heels waiting for us for about a half hour, but in the meantime, had made friends with a guy on stilts. We also noticed the 458' (45 stories) tower of Kingda Ka, currently the world's tallest and fastest coaster. It's pretty scary-looking, but Robin and I both committed to it first thing.

Blessedly, the rain held off all day, and the sun even came out! It was perfect. The first roller coaster we went on was El Toro--we all rode it (Jen gets nervy about coasters, and it was ALMOST the only one we all rode together), and it was TERRIFYING. I wasn't sure if I could do Kindga Ka after wimping out on El Toro--a wooden coaster.

But we kept on trucking, and by the end of the day, Robin, Colin, Jess, and I had ridden every coaster in the park (Jen, Katie, and Betsy sat out a few. Losers. :P), eaten some tasty amusement park hot dogs and french fries, gotten soaked on the Rapids ride (Jess and I, at least), and treated ourselves to ice cream.

So, yes, we rode Kingda Ka. It was really nerve-wracking at first, especially with the signs placed at the entrance of the ride that read: "Sometimes Kingda Ka's train doesn't make it over the hill. This is a normal occurance. The track is designed to reverse itself and reset." SCARY. But, we did it, and it was actually a lot of fun! I can't imagine being in the front row for that one though. :/

Since we got done with all of the coasters fairly early (we had less than 15 minute waits on all rides), I suggested that we do a couple again. We re-rode Bizarro with Jen and Katie, who missed out the first time, and Betsy, Robin, Colin, and I got in line to re-ride Nitro. When we got to the top of the line, obviously the line was longest for the front row (Nitro seats four-across), but Colin suggested we wait it out (all four minutes longer) and ride in front. New Daredevil-Alyssa was all about it, and Betsy, after slight hesitation, agreed. So, we strapped in.

I should preface by saying that Robin is afraid of the big, slow ascent, not the drop. There's something about it that really freaks him out--the possibility that something could go wrong. Kingda Ka has a massive ascent, but it goes 128 miles per hour, so there's barely time to register it. Nitro, however, is loooong and sloooow. I was happy as a clam, and Robin, two seats over, was like stone, clutching his harness and fixed on the top of the hill. In an attempt to loosen him up, I reached over Betsy to give him a high-five.

He glanced briefly in my direction, "I'm good." I had to laugh.

The ride was, naturally, the best one of the day. :)

Katie, Jess, and I boldly danced with the creepy Mr. Six guy in front of a crowd of people after that (there is video that I'll post when I can), doing the Macarena and the Cha Cha Slide and YMCA. We left the park pretty soon after that, and said goodbye to Betsy (:( ), and got on the road. The drive back was a more difficult, as the sky broke open less than twenty minutes after we left the park (Colin is a trooper). We decided to drive through Colin's hometown in PA, right near Philly, and get a cheesesteak. It was delicious, and nice to see a piece of Colin's life outside of MICA. :) Post-cheesesteak, the rain was even WORSE, elevating Colin from 'trooper' to 'demi-god' at maneuvering through it.

I had the awesome opportunity to bond with Katie, Colin, and Jess, who I don't see that often/know that well, and see Betsy, who is all ready to be an accomplished graduate student! I'm confident that the trip will spawn a pretty awesome set of friendships. At least, I hope so.

Secondly, I started classes:

Monday: The Problem of Evil. My professor is a stern-looking man with a cane who attended Yale, Oxford, and St. Andrews. He was drafted in 1969 (after dropping out of his first year of college) and went to Southeast Asia for 13 months, and returned to an offer to work for the CIA, which he did for a couple decades. He'd learned 15 or so languages before he suffered a stroke in 2003 or 2004. He had to relearn talking and walking, and he writes with his left hand now. Since then, he's brought his knowledge of languages up to nearly 20. WHAT. WHAT. AMAZING. So far, this class looks like it will be fascinating in matters of faith. I'll be challenged and reaffirmed all-together, I think. I'm excited. :)

Tuesday: The Lab. Whitney Sherman, my professor, is the chair of the illustration department. She's been described as a 'Dragon Lady', but that hasn't come out at all yet. The point of this class is to produce something to be sold--being so wrapped up in my thesis plans, I had to come up with something on the fly, and ended up with a pretty great idea, if I do say so myself! Obviously, writing is therapy to me. Also, revenge/retribution/justice has been a recent theme in my life. SO, I combined the two, and intend to make a witty "Little Book of Revenge"--a sort of workbook for people to put down all the things they WISH they could do, without actually causing harm, of course. There'll be sections for each sort of offender (exes, co-workers, roommates, telemarketers), and a blank section for "Supplies" and "Execution". I think it'll be a hit--my classmates laughed and Whitney was encouranging. At least...I'd buy it. :)

Wednesday: Art and Architecture of Ancient Egypt. The best thing about this class is that I know and am friends with a lot of people in it. :) My professor is a youngish fat man with that unfortunate idea that luscious, shoulder-length hair will distract me from his hugeness. However, he seems knowledgable, and I'm looking forward to it, although it seems like a lot of work.

Thursday: Senior Thesis. The doozy. My section, with the very-pregnant, very-British, and very-adorable Rebecca Bradley, is populated with a few unfortunate candidates (in both personality and quality of work), but overall, I'm pleased. My presentation was okay, but it just reinforced the amount of work I need to get done. BLAAAH.

Senior Seminar. Allan Comport is my hero. I resolve to become one of his favorites by the end of this year, dammit. The whole of MICA IL '10 (about 100 students) broke into "study groups" of five--sort of support groups for the coming year. I got nervous--one of the unfortunate candidates above nearly approached me to form a group, but I wiggled out, and my group consists of: Tiff (Marla's roommate), Michael (Robin's roommate), Kyle (one of the first kids I made friends with at MICA), and Adam (who is a practical stranger to me, but is very nice and pretty cute :P). I'm nervous--I always get nervous about sharing work--but I think this'll be a good group, especially since I need to learn Photoshop and Kyle is really good. :D

Objectivity: What I thought was going to be a class related to the divine ratio, and other mathematical awesomeness is now a class unrelated to "Nature, numbers, and doubt", as the subtitle first referenced, but rather "An introduction to the philosophy of science." It's going to get bloody. :P John and I will be the lone Christians/Conservatives holding down the fort in the corner. My professor, Patrick, is a nearly-thirty, bald southern man who is actually really attractive (there's a touch of James McAvoy in him), but has this absurd and amazing Southern-crossed-with-posh-philosopher voice. I can't even begin to describe it without an accompanying imitation.

As far as Hector, it isn't even worth explaining at this point--our wires got crossed, misunderstandings, blah blah. Ian helped me sort things out a bit on my end thanks to his insight into Hector's feelings (or lack thereof). It's basically as I suspected-but-chose-to-push-away: He's not interested in a relationship, and I suspect if he was, he wouldn't want it with me. This was a big disappointment at first, but I'm dealing and am really looking forward to moving ahead as FRIENDS. Ian was kind enough to soften the blow by letting me in on the fact that Hector said he really enjoys spending time with me [as a friend], and I think, awkwardness aside, we'll be fine. :) Special thanks to Emily, Robin, Brandon, and Jen for putting up with me.

In other news, for those of you who are QVHSites, ALEXANDRE IS ENGAGED AND IT IS BEAUTIFUL. For those of you who don't know who that is, Alexandre (or 'The Xandman'), was a sweet but SUPER-nerdy kid in my College-in-High-School French class senior year. He got a girlfriend his freshman year at Pitt, and our CHS class was so stunned and thrilled, we actually organized a BARBECUE at his house in order to meet her. It was excellent, and she's very cool.

SO, three years later, they're all engaged! Yay!

I've also spent the last few days visiting with John and his friend from the UK, Abi, who he met while studying abroad. She's really funny and fun, and isn't offended that my apartment is London-themed and nicknamed "The Flat". (Emily R., hopefully you aren't offended either. :P) Today I'll be hanging out with them again, and if the new friendship I'm trying to establish with Hector works out for tonight, I'll see him this evening. Wish me luck!

Anyway, I'm off to hang out with Robin soon. I'm showered, wearing my new skirt and feeling pretty good (despite my small problem of missing 2/3 of a desk shift this morning...ooops). Hopefully the rest of my day can be productive and fun!

More soon--Love!

-A.

Fear and Gravity.

I realized something last night and this morning:

I have a lot of fears about being abandoned, or alone, or not a priority in someone I love's life. Some of these fears are warranted, some aren't.

What I know is that I can't let these fears control me--I don't want to hold back because I'm worried it won't work out. However, I don't want to settle or compromise because that would be the absolute worst thing I could do as far as levying my fears. Sure, I won't be alone, but I would be denying myself--another fear.

My sister often says that I idealize love--I want "A Grand Romance" that is impossible to get. That could be very true.

I want someone to search and study and learn my face, not just look at it. I want them to be physically and intellectually attracted to me, to respect me.

The intensity of the delivery should always match the sentiment of the words.

And I want to feel that way back. Maybe my standards are intense--it's ridiculous when people tell me I'm reaching too high, because I know I'm great (unto myself, and not in comparison to anyone), and worth being loved the way I deserve, and I don't think it's out of line to demand that.

(But, of course, I do get nervous [fear, again!] that I'll settle.)

Ugh, there was something I thought of this morning that wrapped this up so much more neatly, but I can't remember it. I'll write it down as soon as I do and get back to you.

@@@

"I can't shrug you off."

"I'm too heavy--all the gravity [of my situation]. :P"

@@@

Love,

A.

I constantly break my own rules.

(ETA: I meant to post this yesterday, but it saved as a draft for some reason. Sorry!)

Firstly, go listen to DNA. I saw them live by accident--I was leaving work yesterday and they were playing on the ESPNZone Pier next door, so I stopped. There are three of them, and they do all of the techno/electronic stuff themselves live! They each play two or three instruments/devices each (guitars, keyboards, drums [electric and regular], laptops, cool sound-makery things). It's all executed with so much precision and life and energy and fun! If you're in Baltimore, they're playing at Recher Theater in Towson tomorrow night. Check it out.

Jen went to Long Island on Tuesday, just in time for Robin to arrive on Wednesday! We had a really, really good visit--We met at Penn Station when his bus got in, and he and I hung out with his roommate Michael for a little while before going back to my place, where Colin met us and we walked to The Brewer's Art (a little bar/restaurant-type place on Charles Street) in celebration of Robin's 21st on the fourth. After a hysterical re-telling of THE ROOM amongst ourselves and some DELICIOUS and HUGE hamburgers, we walked back to my apartment. Sarah C. (who lived in Italy when I did--I'm sure I've mentioned her here) came over and helped me lighten my hair even MORE (it's a light-golden-brown-bordering-on-blonde now--but it may be full-on Heigl blonde by September!) while we introduced her to THE ROOM. She loved it (OF COURSE).

Of course, no visit with Robs would be complete unless I watched him and Mike swear at each other about Tekken for an hour or so. :) We got breakfast together the next morning at On the Hill, and he saw me off to work. It was a short visit, but so good!

Six days 'til Bethany Beach with John and his fam, and only a few short weeks 'til school! Yay! I'm really looking forward to being back with my friends, having a social life, working the desk and SEEING ACTUAL STUDENTS. Getting back into artwork, as stressful and intense as that will be.

In other news, boys are confusing. :) BUT I CAN STICK IT. DON'T TEXT FIRST, ALYSSA.

I'm also seriously thinking of buying this, furthering my transformation into Audrey Hepburn.

Also, Brandon is visiting tomorrow! He's driving into Baltimore to see me! It should be nice to have someone else around in the apartment, especially someone cool. Maybe I'll show him THE ROOM, too? Lauren and her friends saw it (YES) and ADORED it (while simultaneously hating it). Excellent.

I have the whole of next week off from Hard Rock to make room for desk shifts and Bethany. Woo!

An abrupt change of subject: I sense that I'm becoming the girl I simultaneously befriended and hated in high school (and still do now)--the one who gets used to being complimented/liked so that when someone doesn't rush to compliment her, she gets all freaked out. I HATE that I have traces of that in me after this summer. (This doesn't make the compliments I HAVE gotten any less wonderful--to the four boys who have told me I'm beautiful that read this. :P)

Love,

-A.

I believe in anything that brings you back home to me.

I've been working my patoot off since I got back from Sewickley, but I wanted to recap the events of the week briefly, while I have a moment!

The most important thing about my first day home was seeing Brian, which I did. I won't reveal much about that interaction, because it was private and special. However, it was moving and amazing to hear the way he was speaking--eloquently and simply and so honestly. Tragic and lovely.

He invited me the next day with Lauren and Abby to his cousin Lucy's house to put together some photographs of Robby for the viewing and funeral. A lot of family and friends were there, which was really touching and fun, and there was a lot of laughter--Robby was hilarious, after all--and the photos were great. Brian and Robby were dressed alike in all of the childhood photos. :)

The viewing itself was terribly sad. I arrived early, around 3:30 pm, and put a letter in the casket alongside Lauren and Abby. I watched family and friends approach the casket and leave gifts and notes and touch his arm and hair. I reconnected with Mike, Lacie's ex and my LONG ago high-school crush--he was particularly comforting to me, who didn't really know where I fit as far as closeness, and made me feel integrated. See, I'm close to Brian and Lucy and Abby, and Mr. Hague was one of my favorite teachers. I've hung out in their house, in Robby's room. Watched movies and hockey games and clip shows Robby put together. But I wasn't close to Robby, not really. Although, I realize now he always remembered to tag me in his silly Facebook photos of casts of his favorite shows. :)

I got a taste of justice as Brian, Abby, Mike, and I walked home from the post-viewing reception--we were about to cross Sewickley's main street when I saw a tall girl in a ridiculous brunette wig approach us, with a boy, from the side. Lacie. I ignored her, but I could feel Abby seize up in the same way I did directly behind me. "Mike Kerr!" Lacie called from the corner as we walked away from her.

Mike turned and waved, then shrugged--he had no idea who it was. Brian rubbed the bridge of his nose and asked, "Who was that?"

"LACIE," Abby and I practically whisper-shrieked back. It was almost too perfect--two of her ex-boyfriends, an old enemy in Abby, and me, the ex-bff.

But enough about her.

There was a reception the next morning for two hours before the funeral, and I saw a lot of teachers and old classmates, including Harton--the unattainable-senior-to-my-dorky-freshman--who kissed me on the cheek in greeting, surprisingly enough.

I made myself talk to the two most difficult people for me to approach--Robby's girlfriend Andrea and Mr. Hague. Andrea was easier--polite but responsive to my condolences. I put of Mr. Hague until the last moment, as the crowd was thinning and funneling into the sanctuary. I tried to put a kind but not-too-mushy sentence together: "Mr. Hague, look, I can't stay for the whole service, but--"

I got cut off. HE hugged ME. And thanked me. It was the most gratifying experience of my life.

The funeral itself was beautiful--I was reduced to a practical puddle the entire time. I actually ended up sitting towards the back next to Liz--MY old high school rival. She was sweet and generous to me, though, and even held my hand when I really started crying. I was lucky enough to stay for all of the eulogies before Robert picked me up. Robby's best friends JJ and Caleb spoke, and Robby's favorite aunt, and his stepdad, and Andrea, and Annie, Brian, and Mr. Hague. Each eulogy was heartfelt and perfect.

It rained that day--a cleansing rain.

I got to see a few other friends while I was home, Brandon and Emily and Joey V. Every visit was really wonderful--I've missed home and my friends. I feel disconnected from my self-appointed position of 'protector' at home and with friends. At this point, I'm pushing through the month of August (holy eff, it's AUGUST) until my friends arrive and MICA starts up again. I know I'll be complaining about work and thesis then, but anything is better than waiting.

I also have a new roommate--she moved into Betsy's room and I moved back into my old one. Her name is Emily Wade, and she's from Lynchburg, VA. She's a Christian in the way that Melissa and I are--not a casual believer. It's going to be so nice to have that companionship.

Two hours 'til I have to head out for work. Blah.

Love,

-A.

Undoing the knots.

I met up with Brandon yesterday--the second Person-To-See on my list since I got home (the first was Brian of "Why I Love Brian" fame), and spilled my guts to him a bit about my and Robin's breakup. He was sympathetic but logical, as usual, which meant he was simultaneously saying things like "Where the eff did this come from? Those aren't good reasons to break up. That sucks." and "There is no way you guys can be friends anymore. It'll fall apart."

My mom had a similar sentiment, but coming from a different place: "You should drop him. He rooked you. Tell him to stay the hell away from you."

Harsh, naturally. I want to stay friends with Robin--that was our first priority.

They both (along with a couple others at SACI) suggested that there's a third party. I'm not so quick to support that theory--I'd like to think that Robin would be more honest with me than that.

We've talked on the phone three times since I got home, and it's been okay, but always slightly awkward and not FORMAL, but stiff. I hate that. Maybe it'll get better when we're in person. I'm just having this terrifying feeling bubbling up in my stomach that things will fall apart like Brandon said. He was right about Lacie and I, after all.

I have a theory about any relationship. Each party has to put in 100%, okay? Doy. We all know this. If they both do this, things can work out much more evenly and with a higher success rate. If both parties let it drop off, say, only giving 60% each, it'll disintegrate on it's own. If one person is only giving 90%, the other person works to give 110% to balance that and so on. If one party is super-dedicated to making the relationship work, he or she will overextend him or herself to meet the difference, whether it's a small one (10%) or a huge one (say, 80%).

I learned this from my mom, who worked for ten years to make her marriage with my dad work because she thought it was her fault that it wasn't working, when in reality, Dad was the one who wasn't doing a damn thing. I've inherited my mom's tendency to overextend--I take care of people and end up ignoring or sacrificing my own comfort in the process. At least, I used to.

That whole shebang ended in my friendships as far as The Lacie Situation--I learned to never, ever let any friend jerk me around and take advantage of my the way Lacie did. I hardened somewhat.

Maybe I hadn't learned to take-no-bullshit romantically yet until the break-up with Robin. Not that I think I was taking care of Robin the way I did Lacie (I was her Mom/Sister/Confidante for five years plus), but I was easy on him. I let him off easy after the breakup. I didn't intend to, and I guess I can't say that there isn't time for me to still get answers that I want and need. I think that after I left for Italy, the effort to keep the relationship going was 99% mine. I thought a lot of things about how Robin was feeling and I got a lot of green lights, so it was Full Speed Ahead for awhile. Until mid-February, when I actually challenged Robin by trying to move forward.

That was when things changed a bit. He had been resistant to our becoming "official" because of our "differences"--the ones that would be too big to get past. Faith, politics, lifestyles. All understandable. But I asked him to try and let go of worries about the future--I cared about him and just wanted to be in the moment, in the relationship (which was a huge step for me on its own). I asked him not to let me talk him into it, which he took into account, and accepted my offer. Great!

But as soon as I even HINTED at the fact that we would have to tell people, specifically Marla, he got very tense. He broke up with me two weeks later, citing our differences once more, anxiety over telling people about us, and our 'doomed-to-fail'-ness. He assured me Marla had nothing to do with it, and maybe that's true. Maybe he was too worried that the whole thing would blow up within our social circle.

Either way, he dropped the Effort ball at some point. Now, I'm not saying that is always the wrong thing to do, but in this case, we hadn't been together on the same continent as a couple yet, and I was to return in one month when we broke up. Everyone I told was stunned--"Where did this come from?", "You'll be home in four weeks!", "What random timing...", etc.

It sucked, hard, but I'm actually feeling okay about it. I mean, I'm bummed on some level, I guess, but I worked hard to get over it. Mom insists that I moved on too fast, let Robin off way too easy. (Coming from the woman who told me we hadn't been together long enough to warrant disappointment in the first place. *eyeroll*)

I guess I just didn't/don't want to dwell on it, but more and more I just want to get some answers and move forward again, even if it's in a completely different direction.

Hope you're all having a fantastic week--love you all!

-A.

Five weeks. :)

This is both a scary and awesome prospect--I am so not ready! :/ But I know that even if I'm not ready, I'll be where I'm supposed to be once I step off the plane.

Thanksgiving break was wonderful. I saw Drea and Abby (yay!) and Brian, and the Ruzichs (minus Mr.) and QUAIDY, which made my life. :P I also gave Lauren an AWESOME birthday gift that she wanted--a (n illegally downloaded) copy of Rosetta Stone so she can learn German! Or Italian, if she so wishes. :)

I also ran into Rachel B. (groan) who tells me that Lacie has been up and down. I then spoke to Brandon who tells me she's even crazier than I had anticipated. Ah well, it's her life.

The highlights of my break though, were the evenings I spent with Robin and his friends Sam and Jessie et. al. Tuesday, the night I got home, was spent at Ritters with S and J, just getting reacquainted and having a nice time. THEN, on Saturday, Robin came to Sewickley and met Drea and Brandon and than we met up with S and J and got a group together to play first Cranium, then Spoons, and then Asshole and Quems. (card games). It was SO MUCH FUN. It was sort of nice to just let loose with some relative strangers. :D And, of course, it's always a pleasure to spend time with Robin. :)

Okay, a lot to do before the week is out.

TO DO:

-VISA, GOD DAMMIT.
-Hand in administrative MICA forms for study abroad.
-Do a five-page paper on Olympia by Manet. By tomorrow at 9 am. (More than doable, but annoying.)
-Shellac/Fire final ceramics project.
-Do nine two-hour drawings for José. By Thursday. (AAAAAH.)

Love you guys. :) Christmas season is here! (BTW, EMILY made me lose the game, like a jerk. So, you can all lose, too. :P)

-Alyssa

P.S. I intend to go to Drea C.'s 21st birthday. It's in the works--you won't be alone, Em! :P

WashingTON, WashingTON.

I went to Washington, DC today with hopes of applying for my student visa. It was a pleasant trip, but let me elaborate:

I woke up at 9:40, and lazed in bed 'til 10, having stayed up until four with Robin at the desk. I finally rallied and dressed, then checked MARC train times and DC maps to make sure of where I was going (Embassy Row in Dupont Circle).

I got to Penn Station to catch the 11:40am train, and two girls about my age asked me if I was part of the Johns Hopkins Pre-Law DC visit to GW and Georgetown. I, obviously, was not, and they were distraught that they wouldn't find any more members of their group. I introduced myself to Kim and Leah, and managed to embarrass myself quickly by knocking the gorgeous iPhone out of Leah's hand trying to give her a handshake. UGH.

We walked down to the train together, and they waited outside of it for any potential stragglers. (Or perhaps to avoid my iPhone-Destroying Hands of Crazy.) I ended up sitting across the aisle from two nerdy but nice-looking guys who looked like law school-types. I asked, and they were, and we struck up a conversation about MICA and Italy. The boys, Alex (with really pretty blue eyes and a big Greek-style nose, although he's Romanian) and Nick (tall and lean with the signiture "dork" haircut) were shortly joined by Elias, who had, coincidentally, spent the semester before in Italy.

Also coincidentally, Alex and Nick were from PA, and Nick was from Mount Lebanon, and the three of us have November birthdays, and Alex's birthday is the same as Lauren's! It was very weird but really cool. We talked a lot about Pittsburghese and art and art school (which they found incredibly curious--it was very funny), Alex was chatting me up BIG time. It was really sweet.

We separated once the train pulled in, without exchanging last names, but I figured Elias was an unusual enough name to find on Facebook without to much trouble (I was right). I did end up running into Nick on the Metro though, and he missed his stop because we were talking about the Pens. :) It was very cool.

On to the frustrating part. I got to Dupont Circle and got a little lost, but with the help of a nice bank teller, got turned around and back on track. I found Embassy Row, but ended up walking probably a mile and a half to the Italian Embassy. I felt SO GROSS, but I didn't want to take my coat off and carry it.

SO, I finally get there, and the guy at the gate, an older Italian guy, asks my why I'm there. It goes a little like this:

Him: Alo, what can I do a-for you?
Me: I'm here to fill out a visa application.
Him: You are a-too late. (It's one-thirty pm, by the way.) The office is open Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays from a-10AM to 12:30pm.
Me: REALLY. Is there ANYTHING you can do?
Him: No. You a-live in Washington?
Me: No, Baltimore.
Him: Oh. You will a-have to come back, then.
Me: *frustrated tears* Oh, okay. Thanks anyway.

WORST EVER. It just stressed me out a lot, and it's That Time, so I'm even more emotional than usual. SO, I walked the mile and a half BACK to Dupont Circle, and decided to stop for coffee and something to eat. I spotted a Books-A-Million store, and walked in to find two of my favorite things: books (who'd've thunk it?) and coffee. So I grabbed New Moon off the shelf and got a coffee and piece of caramel coffee cake from the really nice guy at the register, who, coincidentally, heads out to Rome next week to sing at the Vatican, because he's in some men's choir.

I read until almost 4, which was SO unbelievably relaxing, then decided to head back to Baltimore, so I bought the book, which I was about half-done with (the check-out guy was ALSO really sweet, which was SO nice), and got back on the Metro to Union Station, bought another ticket to the MARC train, which ended up being so packed with commuters that I had to stand for the first 20 minutes of the ride.

Robin called me as they called my stop (he's in New York to see an Andrew WK show), which was a nice 'Welcome Home'-type greeting, even if he's not in Baltimore. I got home just in time to see Betsy ice a brownie cake for a classmate's birthday, then fly out the door to a Post-Bac dinner, and Marla called to ask me to model the corset she made (Jen was supposed to, but Marla made it too big--also, the photoshoot calls for me to be the character of a "Showhorse" [Corset=saddle] and Robin is my "Groom". God has a sense of humor. :P).

NOW, I'm going to finish this entry, take off my shoes and NAP until Marla calls me to watch a movie.

Whew, and then I have a grave shift, then I take a shower and meet my Illustration Concepts class at the bus at 8:15 AM to go to the Brandywine Museum, then get back at six or seven, THEN go to my 9-12 at the Commons, then it's my birthday! :) Damn, eventful weekend! But I'm looking forward to it. I won't be a teenager anymore.

(Also, I didn't get to mention the LOVELY birthday gift I got from Brandon, the new Chris Ware book. Don't know Chris Ware? Google is your friend. Thanks, Brandon. :D)

Seven weeks 'til Florence. Wow.

Love you all,

Alyssa

P.S. This entry has SO MANY tags.

ETA: P.P.S. "I remember wishing [he] were my brother. I realized now that all I really wanted was a claim on him. It didn't feel brotherly when he held me like this. It just felt nice--warm and comforting and familiar. Safe. [He] was a safe harbor."

-New Moon, page 375

Ouch.

Chase broke up with me last night.

We hadn't been talking as regularly, on the phone or in texts, but I supposed we were both busy. I called him on Friday because Betsy, Jen, Robin, and Ryan may be going to New York this coming weekend (the weekend Chase was supposed to visit), and they wanted us to come with them, so I asked him about it, and he was being dodgy and uncomfortable and evasive on the phone. I was uneasy, but I tried to shake it off, but Robin and I started thinking that maybe he wasn't coming after all. It sort of lingered in the back of my mind over the weekend, but then I texted him yesterday at 4:15, and he finally got back around to me at 6:15. We texted about his sister and work for an hour or so until he finally called me.

He started by apologizing for not calling as much, and I shouldered some of the blame (the phone works both ways, after all). Then he started in with those words I hate:

"I'm just going to get right to it. This isn't working out."

"Oh. Okay."

"It's just, it's hard to not have you here. I need someone here."

"Okay."

"I was going to write a letter, but I thought you might want to say something right away, and I want to give you that chance."

"Yeah. What...When did you decide this? What brought this on?"

He paused. I had a psychic moment, It's someone else.

"I'm in love with Alli."

(For those of you who don't know, Alli is Chase's coworker. He liked her for a while, and they finally started making out/dating in May. He said 'I love you' to her, too. She didn't say it back. A few weeks later, he noticed this other guy had started hanging around Alli more and more, and when he talked to the guy, he found out that this guy and Alli had been dating for a month, at the same time she was seeing Chase. Chase was pretty upset, naturally, and he talked about it with me a lot, but I always thought that the tone of our conversations were that he had learned a lesson, that he was over it. I guess he wasn't.)

"Oh. I see. Okay."

"She told me the other day that I looked different to her, and I asked if it was because she couldn't have me. (At this point I stopped listening because it was unbelievable to me.)"

"Mmhm. And does she feel the same way?"

"I think she does. We talked a few days ago."

"Okay. Then, why did you say you loved me?"

"I felt like I did." Stab. "I shouldn't have said it." Twist.

"No, you shouldn't have."

"I felt like I owed it to you to explain all this. I didn't want to pretend it just wasn't working out."

"You're right, you do owe it to me."

So, we talked a little more. Or, rather, he talked and I listened, or half-listened. I knew it was coming, but it was still a shock, you know? It's like, when you get scared, and then a few seconds pass, and the load of adrenaline hits your bloodstream.

He tried to tell me that it wasn't about my age, or my mom's rules. Which was fine, and I believe him. He said I wasn't a distraction to him, and that things would be different if I were close by. Maybe they would be for a little while, but if he's really in love with someone else, then it would have interfered eventually.

"Look, I really care about you. You're so special. And beautiful. And the most supportive woman I've ever met. And you're so understanding."

"Yeah. Thanks. Well, I guess that's that."

"You can call me if you have anymore questions or concerns or anything like that."

"Sure. Maybe I'll see you around. Good luck with Alli. Keep going with law school, too."

"Thanks, I will."

"Goodbye, Chase."

"Bye."

And that was that.

My roommates and Robin were exceedingly supportive, which was lovely. I called Drea, who was properly scandalized for my sake, and I called Lauren--I thought it might be better if she told Mom instead. The conversation went sort of like this:

Me: Chase dumped me.
Lauren: *GASP* WHAT?
Me: *surprised* Erm, yeah.
Lauren: *Insensitive*
Me: *Less surprised*
Lauren: Do you want me to tell Mom?
Me: What do you think she'd say if I told her?
Lauren: ...maybe I should tell her.

So, she did, and I spoke to Marla, who was very comforting. She told me I was dignified and handling it so well and un-hysterically. When I got home, my Mom called, and was offended that I hadn't gone to her first. She said mostly what I expected ("I'm sorry you're sad." vs. "I'm sorry Chase dumped you."), and I sort of put her in her place when she asked why I didn't call her first:

Me; You can't be surprised that you weren't the first person I called.
Mom: Actually, I was. I figured you know that I love you even f I wasn't into the Chase thing.
Me: Remember how you felt about telling your parents when Tim bugged out? When Brian bugged out? (My mom's two fiancee's that my grandparents' weren't thrilled about.)
Mom: Okay. YES. I'm completely with you. No, I totally get it. You're right.

Ha. So, me and my roommates and Marla and Robin watched A Knight's Tale (Gah, dreadful female lead) and talked. I wrote Chase a letter, and after the movie was over, Robin made me cry, but from laughing this time. :)

I'm feeling better today, but it still hurts. I mean, it's not like he said "I made out with someone else". It was "I'm in love with someone else." With a girl who already used him and threw him away like a tissue. Who only wants him because she can't have him. Or, well, I guess she CAN have him. I'm so angry with him. But I know it's for the best if he's not going to see me as someone worthy. I want someone who loves me 150%, and he wants someone familiar that he can see and touch.

A case of irreconcilable differences if I ever saw one.

My friend Brandon kept my chin up a little with this story:

Brandon: "I was showing a coworker my facebook and how it works
And then I used your page as an example of how you can see friends, etc. (you just made a status update or something)...

Sean: Who's that?
Brandon: (clicking on your profile picture) That's my friend Alyssa
Sean: She's kinda hot.
Brandon: ......yeah.
Both smiling.
That's all."

Thank you guys ahead of time for the support that I know you'll provide, I miss you guys. And Emily--please blog up a storm so I know how you are!

Love you all,

Alyssa

Friday the Thirteenth, 2008

-Get my driver's permit renewed. Well, I'm halfway there. I sent in the request.
-Take my driver's test.
-Talk to Mom about applying to SACI. Make final plans.
-Apply to SACI by November.
-Getting my passport.
-Call MICA about withdrawing for a leave of absence in order to go to Florence.

The MICA people have this policy where students can only transfer abroad credits if they go through MICA. At least, that's what I've been lead to believe. So it looks like I'll be taking the MICA avenue to get to SACI (Studio Art Center International, because I don't think I specified), and at this point, I am going to Florence in January of 2009. Whoa.

I talked to my mom about SACI this morning, and she had this way about her that sort of said 'Why are you asking me? As long as you can afford it, you can do whatever you want.' In fact, she may have said those words.

I guess I'm not used to not asking for things, or at least running them by authority for the OK. I was brought up in a house where I feared, not necessarily punishment, but my mom's disappointment, and I knew I had to ask to do anything, out of respect and a need for approval. This is where Lauren and I differ GREATLY. She doesn't ask. She just does.

Or doesn't, in the case of her college plans. Meh.

So, I'm going to SACI, and taking Illustration, Painting, Art Conservation (yippee!), and I may even put my new-old camera to good use and take a photo class. And Italian I, of course. :)

Eep! This is actually happening! :D

So, to update the lurvely Emily about the Sewickley life while she and Bri gallivant around in Europe: Drea, Nick, Dan, and I had a sort-of double date thing last night. It was SO fun, in the most mundane and small-town teenager way--we hung out at the SA playground, then went to Giant Eagle and bought ice cream and Oreos, and just played with Drea's dog, Tucker, and talked. And then, we all went up to Bell Acres baseball field, climbed onto the dugout, and watched the stars for a couple hours. (And, of course, I missed the big, gorgeous shooting star that apparently streaked past.) It was one of the nicest nights. :) I've had a lot of nice nights lately.

As far as Dan and I go (and I know this has been a ridiculous saga, so I apologize! :P) we are just going to stay how we are. I'm comfortable and he seems comfortable (and who wouldn't be? Nothing too official, just having a good time together and smooching from time to time.), and if he wants to bring up something more serious he can. My apprehension (well, there are a couple, but, well...) is that, okay, let's say we make it official, get serious about each other in the coming summer months. At the end of the summer, we're in two different states. And even if we decided to do the long-distance thing (which I'm not really interested in) I would be headed to Florence in January. And, I mean, come on. I think you all know what I'm saying.

;)

Work was slow today, so less tips, but more time to talk to Brandon, my co-worker Sara Beth's boyfriend. I think they're both really funny and smart, and they're really fun to talk to. I'm pretty dissimilar from them (and the majority of the world :P) in the sense of morals, religion, and politics, but we're all respectful and open, and it's a pleasure to air out my ideas with them.

Have I rambled enough?! I'm off to text Drea and help her set up HER blog, darnit!

Love you,

Alyssa