Three weeks later...

Things have settled. As soon as John went back to New Jersey all hell broke lose. Mom was FURIOUS--and still is, for the most part. Thankfully, things are slowly moving back from screaming fights to heated discussions to relatively normal day-to-day life.

I won't detail the arguments here--it's not necessary--but I will say that having repeated circular talks about something that won't happen for two years doesn't help a thing. Hopefully we can all move forward together as time goes on.

In other news, stuff with X and John has been patched up, and I spoke to Lacie last night for the first time in a while. Well, I actually saw her a month ago, which I never actually detailed here! Odd. Long story short: Me, Brian, and our friends Chris and JJ went mini-golfing, and Lacie was there with her longtime ex (and Brian, Chris, and JJs friend) Matt. It was a little bit of a "Busted!" moment, because Matt has largely spoken ill of Lacie since they broke up for good. It was awkward for everyone (after all, Brian and I are 'exes' of Lacie's, too), but we were all friendly.

I've been home alone for the last day--Mom and Robert are in Maryland/DC for a job interview (keeping my fingers crossed!) and KJ is at Dad's. Lauren moved back to OU and is settling into her new house, which is awesome.

I got a job at an upscale boutique in town--I'm pretty excited. I get to sell rich ladies expensive clothes. And we're encouraged not to lie, so I get to tell them if they look fat! Pretty psyched. Also waiting to hear from The Clay Cafe--one of those paint-your-own pottery places. They said they're losing two people by the end of this month. Hopefully my art school cred will get me in!

Wish me luck! I'll definitely need two jobs this summer, but if they're two jobs I like, I'm totally okay with that! I don't need to revisit the summer after freshman year. *shudder*

Love,

A.

Devastating for anyone who knows/has known anyone with an eating disorder.

Read this article, by Liz Jones (formerly the editor of British Vogue), and you'll understand the frustration I felt during the whole Lacie disaster. (Thankfully she seems to be doing much better--she's looking healthy.)

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1191429/Fatten-What-happened-anorexic-Liz-Jones-eat-normally-weeks.html

Why I Love Brian, Parts Sixteen and Seventeen.

Brian: I've decided I'm retracting my entire Christmas list and just asking for a Melanie Laurent. I think my family should be able to swing that.

Me: Inglourious Basterds girl? But she's Jewish. You'll have to get her for Hanukkah.

Brian: Hmm, true!

Me: It's the fourth night of Hanukkah tonight...good luck! :P

Brian: I'm going to quickly convert. Actually would it be converting if I wasn't really anything now?

Me: Yeah, for sure. Jews are serious as hell about converts.

Brian: Okay. Then I'll convert. Ehhh, I cant do serious. I don't think they'd be all about my conversion when they hear my reasons: "Hi, I'd like to convert...why you ask? Oh so hopefully on the 5th night of Hannukah I'll get one of your hottest products as a gift!"

@@@

Me: Doing anything for Mike's birthday?

Brian: Going to get wings.

Me: Fun! with who else?

Brian: No idea.

Me: Lacie's totally joining you guys right? Or is she jumping out of the cake?

Brian: Oh, I hope.

Me: Hahahahahaha! How hysterical.

Brian: I mean, I paid her 50 bucks to...I'd be pretty upset if she reneged on the offer.

Joyeux Anniversaire á moi!

You heard right--I am now 21!

Which, to those of you who have known me for any length of time, means that almost nothing will change, except that I can now go to bars with my friends without having to flash the bouncer/bartender. (JOKES.)

My weekend was excellent--the play was a success, and John and I got an amazing dinner at my godparents' house last night, as well as a new laptop from my mom (which I need to configure with my home internet somehow).

This morning was also very pleasant--I was my Problem of Evil class today with my slightly scary ex-CIA agent professor, and during our break, he did the little finger crook and beckoned me over, stony-faced. I about crapped my pants.

So, I walked over, and he looked at me levelly. "You've done it again."

Pause.

"You did very well on your test. You like this stuff, don't you? You're interested in it?"

I was so relieved, and totally pleased! We chatted a bit more about the distinct lack of God-talk that takes place at MICA before class started up again. When I got my test back, I saw that I did fine, but I certainly wasn't the highest grade in the class--I wondered why he'd chosen to take me aside. Maybe it was because my essay spoke so clearly to faith--my professor is a practicing Catholic. Either way, it was a very nice birthday gift. :)

My plan for the day--I have work until 3 (Robin did the packages at the desk for me as a gift!), then I'm going to shower and get ready for dinner with John, who is taking me out at 6 (but I get to open my gift before dinner! :D). We're going to get home before 9 in order to greet my friends, who are coming for the little get-together Jen planned for me! Yay!

I'll also be wearing the new dress that Lacie sent me. I've been in contact with her again, and was pleasantly surprised to find a package from her a few days ago. It's a gorgeous dress:

And I look fantastic in it. It's always great to be given the perfect birthday outfit.

I'm really looking forward to tonight! I'll update ASAP!

Love,

-A.

ETA: I can't believe I forgot to mention this--Lauren was awesome and called me exactly at midnight to wish me happy birthday. :D It was a very, very pleasant surprise and a very welcome talk. My sister is, once again, incredibly prying and inappropriate, but she really makes me laugh, and I love when she calls. :) I'm bummed I'll be missing her at Thanksgiving, but her birthday is coming up!

Chit-Chat.

It seems like I've been immersed in unusual talks with unusual people lately--Lacie and I reconnected recently in Facebook messages. Not with any overt affection on my part, although it is good to hear that she's doing better. It's nostalgic, but I have no intention of bringing our friendship back to what it once was.

On the flip side, John's ex, Christine, has been making a serious effort to do...SOMETHING I can't put my finger on. Just being nebby. A mutual friend says, "She's just jealous and wants to know what's going on." (As if I'd tell her.) Lacie summed up the situation from Christine's point-of-view rather well, actually: "Hey, I know you have something to do with my ex-boyfriend--comparing you to me, you're not totally ugly and that threatens me so let me befriend you as to assure myself that I am, in some way, better than you and can come to terms with the fact that you are in the picture."

Either way, it's been amusing, but annoying and pathetic. Time to move on (although she apparently has a new boyfriend). Today is dedicated to working that out. Wish us luck!

Otherwise, the play is going very well (November 13th and 14th if you can make it!), things with work are slow (on my part), but good, and I'm so unbelievably happy with John I can't even express it. :D On that note, I'm going to New Jersey to spend Thanksgiving with John and his family, so I won't see you Sewickley people! :( BUT, I'll be bringing John back with me for the first part of Winter Break so you all can meet him! Excitement!

I've even been hearing from some of you, which is great! (Em, I'll call again today.) Drea! Where are you, dear?!

ALSO. Hilarious news. Drea C. won a beauty pageant representing my birthplace of Reading, PA. I guess getting discovered on her own wasn't enough, so she's going for Miss America! Hysterical! Check it out here.

John gets home today from a weekend visit to his family! Yay! :) Then play practice, then actual work.

Muah--

Love,

-A.

Returning to the Recent Past and other kinds of Time-Travel.

Lauren and Abby picked me up from the bus station when Robby died, and one of the first conversations we had was about his idea of the afterlife. Lauren, being as close with Robby as she was, was lucky enough to get a packet of photocopied pages directly from Robby last summer--the packet, according to Robby, summed up his ideas and beliefs about God and the world around us.

I got the chance to skim it the day before the funeral--Lauren had left it out on her bed, having finally gotten around to reading it. I'm afraid I don't remember specifics, but I remember the bulk of it having to do with reconciling God and Science into Order--to be neither purely scientific or purely religious in name. The phrase 'God of Order' was used a lot.

The point is, Lauren was vehement about Robby's salvation--"I can't believe that he's in Hell. I cannot believe that." And I agreed. But how does one get around that niggling Biblical message? John 3:16 and everything we learned about in Sunday school?

I've been coming across a few interesting passages on this subject lately, including this entry from a blog called Growing Up Lane, written by two young Catholic sisters:

"Vatican II teaches that 'Those who, through no fault of their own, do not know the gospel of Christ or his church, but who nevertheless seek God with a sincere heart, and moved by grace, try in their actions to do his will as they know it through the dictates of their consciences—those too may achieve eternal salvation (LG 16).' Also, in the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) we find this: 'Every man who is ignorant of the gospel of Christ and of his Church but seeks the truth and does the will of God in accordance with his understanding of it can be saved. It may be supposed that such persons would have desired baptism explicitly if they had known its necessity' (CCC 1260).

God has written Himself into all of our hearts, and this is known to most people as conscience. Those who seek and have a conscious desire to do good, to respond to this knowledge of God in their heart, are participating in God’s plan and serving Him as faithfully as is possible for them. Just because they are ignorant of the source of the graces and salvation they may receive, it does not mean that they cannot attain them. This, however, is not an excuse for settling for what you have and refusing to further your knowledge of God. We must continually work to join ourselves with God as intimately as possible. As Catholics, we believe that this is reached as a member of the Church that was founded by Christ, and participating in the sacraments He has given us, most importantly joining in true communion with Him through the celebration of the Eucharist.
So, 'no salvation outside of the Church' means that salvation only comes from Christ through the Church, not that only members of the Church are saved."

I am no longer Catholic, of course, but I think this is a good sum-up. While, yes, the Bible says that salvation is only for those who believe in Christ and the promises of the Crucifixion and Resurrection, this leaves a lot of holes and possibilities ('What about the pygmies who've never heard of Jesus?!'). Obviously, we can't rely on the idea that Robby didn't know anything about God or Christianity--his parents are Christians, and I know they attended a Lutheran church (I'm pretty sure it was Lutheran) as children. But, knowing that God is merciful and gave us a brain to explore, paired with the idea of God "writing Himself onto our hearts" as our conscience--the bottom line is, God doesn't want us to fail.

Another thing--and hopefully this doesn't come off as morbid--but Robby's death was one without fault. It wasn't a car accident or suicide (blessedly). It was an Act of God--I would say, a specific event that serves to further God's will. This doesn't make it a pleasant endeavor--Robby's death was intensely painful--but it offers some explanation: God's plan working through the life and death of a young man seeking knowledge. I can only hope that this explanation doesn't cause anyone to blame God.

I was flipping through my History of Silence course notes yesterday morning as well, and found two quotes I wrote in that apply:

"Because you seek Me with your whole heart, I will let Myself be found." -God to Man

and

"In my practice, actively trying to find something: it becomes there." -Keenan, (a classmate of mine)



In other news, I got a random Facebook chat message from Lacie's older brother Wesley night before last. We've never spoken ten words to each other, so this was surprising (I thought it was Lacie, at first, but the conversation quickly proved to me that it wasn't.) So, we had a game of Scrabble and we talked about my thesis project. After he beat me by 100 points, heh, we said goodnight, and he told me to let him know the next time I visit NYC (he lives there now and his pursuing his doctorate of philosophy). Hold your horses--he lives with his long-time girlfriend in the city, so no romantic interest from either side. As if.

Things with Hector are...progressing. Nicely.



:)



I also got the chance to talk on the phone with Paul for the first time in forever! It was really awesome in all--it's been a LONG time--but of course, we had to breach the Marla/Me/Robin topic. And here I thought Paul was Mr. Neutral, which is apparently not the case. He took the opportunity to knock my legs out from under me: "Then I heard Marla's side of the story and was a lot less okay with the situation after that...but I'm not getting involved. It's none of my business." GRAAR.

I actually let it slide pretty well yesterday, but today I found myself really angry. Like, REALLY angry about it. I was at the point where I was almost totally cool with everything, then that little comment threw me off. Which should be a big hint that I wasn't really okay about it. I guess it's just frustrating that I continue to be the sole perpetrator in this, that my name is the one getting kicked around eight months later. Hm.

ANYWAY. I have an awesome week-and-a-half to look forward to: Emily W. moves in tomorrow and Hector gets back Sunday, then I have my last week of work, and THEN SIX FLAGS with Colin, his girlfriend Katie, Robin, Jen, Jess, Ben, and BETSY! It'll be so fun! I can't wait. Then school. CRAP.

But I AM excited, and I can't wait to see everyone! :D Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm working on a very important conversation. :P



Love,

-A.

I believe in anything that brings you back home to me.

I've been working my patoot off since I got back from Sewickley, but I wanted to recap the events of the week briefly, while I have a moment!

The most important thing about my first day home was seeing Brian, which I did. I won't reveal much about that interaction, because it was private and special. However, it was moving and amazing to hear the way he was speaking--eloquently and simply and so honestly. Tragic and lovely.

He invited me the next day with Lauren and Abby to his cousin Lucy's house to put together some photographs of Robby for the viewing and funeral. A lot of family and friends were there, which was really touching and fun, and there was a lot of laughter--Robby was hilarious, after all--and the photos were great. Brian and Robby were dressed alike in all of the childhood photos. :)

The viewing itself was terribly sad. I arrived early, around 3:30 pm, and put a letter in the casket alongside Lauren and Abby. I watched family and friends approach the casket and leave gifts and notes and touch his arm and hair. I reconnected with Mike, Lacie's ex and my LONG ago high-school crush--he was particularly comforting to me, who didn't really know where I fit as far as closeness, and made me feel integrated. See, I'm close to Brian and Lucy and Abby, and Mr. Hague was one of my favorite teachers. I've hung out in their house, in Robby's room. Watched movies and hockey games and clip shows Robby put together. But I wasn't close to Robby, not really. Although, I realize now he always remembered to tag me in his silly Facebook photos of casts of his favorite shows. :)

I got a taste of justice as Brian, Abby, Mike, and I walked home from the post-viewing reception--we were about to cross Sewickley's main street when I saw a tall girl in a ridiculous brunette wig approach us, with a boy, from the side. Lacie. I ignored her, but I could feel Abby seize up in the same way I did directly behind me. "Mike Kerr!" Lacie called from the corner as we walked away from her.

Mike turned and waved, then shrugged--he had no idea who it was. Brian rubbed the bridge of his nose and asked, "Who was that?"

"LACIE," Abby and I practically whisper-shrieked back. It was almost too perfect--two of her ex-boyfriends, an old enemy in Abby, and me, the ex-bff.

But enough about her.

There was a reception the next morning for two hours before the funeral, and I saw a lot of teachers and old classmates, including Harton--the unattainable-senior-to-my-dorky-freshman--who kissed me on the cheek in greeting, surprisingly enough.

I made myself talk to the two most difficult people for me to approach--Robby's girlfriend Andrea and Mr. Hague. Andrea was easier--polite but responsive to my condolences. I put of Mr. Hague until the last moment, as the crowd was thinning and funneling into the sanctuary. I tried to put a kind but not-too-mushy sentence together: "Mr. Hague, look, I can't stay for the whole service, but--"

I got cut off. HE hugged ME. And thanked me. It was the most gratifying experience of my life.

The funeral itself was beautiful--I was reduced to a practical puddle the entire time. I actually ended up sitting towards the back next to Liz--MY old high school rival. She was sweet and generous to me, though, and even held my hand when I really started crying. I was lucky enough to stay for all of the eulogies before Robert picked me up. Robby's best friends JJ and Caleb spoke, and Robby's favorite aunt, and his stepdad, and Andrea, and Annie, Brian, and Mr. Hague. Each eulogy was heartfelt and perfect.

It rained that day--a cleansing rain.

I got to see a few other friends while I was home, Brandon and Emily and Joey V. Every visit was really wonderful--I've missed home and my friends. I feel disconnected from my self-appointed position of 'protector' at home and with friends. At this point, I'm pushing through the month of August (holy eff, it's AUGUST) until my friends arrive and MICA starts up again. I know I'll be complaining about work and thesis then, but anything is better than waiting.

I also have a new roommate--she moved into Betsy's room and I moved back into my old one. Her name is Emily Wade, and she's from Lynchburg, VA. She's a Christian in the way that Melissa and I are--not a casual believer. It's going to be so nice to have that companionship.

Two hours 'til I have to head out for work. Blah.

Love,

-A.

Sheesh.

Okay, be prepared, because I'm about to go into a ramble.

As most of you know, the little box under my Facebook profile picture says "I want undiluted love." This is very true. My friends know this and have referenced my own phrase to me several times when I've expressed hesitance with a guy--several guys since I've returned to Baltimore (as you may have read).

I appreciate what they are trying to say--plainly, "WHY ARE YOU HESITATING, YOU DUMMY?" These inputs, paired with my own observations, can be ironed out into these points:

1. It's easier to love than be loved/be halfway.

When I'm interested in someone, I can handle the person not feeling the same way. It still sucks--don't get me wrong--but then, like with any rejection, one can have the freedom and the right to feel sad, angry, hurt, upset, etc.

For me, I'm in this awkward and limiting place where I can't summon the same feelings or potential for those feelings. This is a natural thing--we don't fall in love with everyone who is interested in us. Doy. However, I feel stifled when I can't reciprocate more than a little. :/ (Not that this is every case, but I'm never 'all-there' for that other person.) It's so hard to "have the control" in the situation, when I don't have control over my own feelings!

2. It sounds self-centered--"Oh, all these boys love me, what am I going to do?!"

I hate looking like some fickle asshole jerking guys around--I was best friends with those butthead girls, and I don't want to become one, having disengaged myself from that behavior in others already. I hate looking like a tease, or careless. The last thing I want to do is give someone the wrong impression, but it feels like setting myself up for failure to SAY 'Oh, I'm just trying you out--we'll see if I like you someday.'

3. I don't just feel like there's something missing in one situation, or two, but in myself.

The biggest frustration is feeling like there's something wrong with ME in not being able to feel for these boys in return. Now, don't get me wrong--sometimes I felt exactly what I was meant to (Nick and Chris were total wastes of time, for example, and I 'm glad I didn't waste any feelings on them), but there have been awesome guys that care about me that I can't be 100% for when they really deserve it!

I've written before that I want to be able to work and grow in my feelings alongside the other person, together. That is made very difficult when the other person is leaps ahead of me in regards to their feelings about me. That is nothing they've done wrong, in the least. It's a complete honor--just a lot of pressure.

I had a much-needed phone call with Melissa last night--I've been in a bit of a faith rut recently, and that call with her was so helpful in reassuring me that I need to stop stressing myself out. I'll feel for a man when it's supposed to happen, whoever it's with. Whew. She also reminded me of a certain line in Song of Solomon (2:7) that I need to keep in mind:

In my Bible (NAS), it says this, "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the hinds of the field, That you do not arouse or awaken my love Until she pleases."

Melissa's version (NIV) says this: "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Her translation is much prettier, and well, applicable. :)

I have to be patient. (Dammit.)

An unrelated eyeroll, from the first paragraph of Lacie's new blog: "I'm tempted to write something serious or consequential about my recent fall from grace, my new crush, my penniless existence, or my complete state of unbelief and the apparent utter loss of a future. Instead, however, I'd like to revert back to focusing on my one, true love, fashion."

Yesterday was a lovely day off--I got some errands run, wrote a letter and a nice, long diary entry (6th handwritten diary begun--woo!), watched The Other Boleyn Girl and had bonding time with Kirsi, and got my phone charger back! I'm connected with the real world again! :P

Today will be as productive and relaxing, hopefully. It's already gotten off to a good start! I went into the Main Building this morning for some Financial Aid stuff, and ran smack into some conservators restoring the plaster casts in the lobby! I watched them for a little bit, and started talking to them about programs and opportunities. Ugh--before I'd even APPLY to a program I need two years of chem. And then art history (which I've mostly done) and languages (a working knowledge of reading French and German for NYU). Eesh. There are only four art conservation programs in the country--and only three I'd really consider: NYU (LOLASIFI'DGETIN), University of Delaware (where Diane and Lori, the conservators, attended), and UCLA/Getty. Ugh. It's all so competitive and scary!

Alyssa, concentrate on NOW. TODAY. Sheesh.

God, you are good. :) I see the little things, little hints and bits of information and possibilities you set out for me. Thanks.

Robin visited this weekend, which was great! We watched The Room, as planned, and I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF. It was so bad/good. Go watch it. NOW.

Having some alone time with Robin for the first time since January was also wonderful--I missed us! :) Although I have to say, we get on each other's nerves x1,000,000,000 now. Why is that? We argued way more than we ever did before this weekend. But we always apologized. :P

I also went to New Jersey, to see Harry Potter with John and his friends--that was also a very successful trip, and one of the reasons I went on the above ramble in the first place. His family and friends are wonderful, and I felt entirely comfortable and welcomed by them (with the exception of his ex, which is to be expected). John has invited me to go with him and his family and a few friends to his beach house in Delaware next month, which I would love. Finally, a chance to break out the bathing suit I got in Corsica! :P But seriously, it would be a great chance to spend more time with the awesome people in his life.

Especially his mom--I was the most nervous about meeting her after what we now refer to as "The Talk", but she was down-to-earth and fun and funny and very willing to joke about John's ex. :D She's a lot of fun and we really bonded.

ANYWAY, I have some thesis stuffs to do, then watching Closer before I have to return it to the video store. I don't think I ever described much about my thesis project, have I? I won't say too, too much, but I was inspired by David, who told me about an abandoned subway station his friend took him to. I'll just say there's a sort of escapist fantasy involved. :)

I hope you all have an awesome day. :) I'll try and update more, and better!

Love,

-A.

This sums up every conversation I've had with certain friends of mine. Guess who I am--A or B? (Also, Why I Love Brian. Parts Ten and Eleven.)

A: i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
B: yes
A: ...don't judge me

(Courtesy of www.textsfromlastnight.com)

Brian: (on Lacie) It's so true. You somehow became the big enemy. You helped her nemesis (Abby M.) take me from her then sided with [Abby].

(That one isn't particularly funny, but it's so Spot-On!)

Also...

Me: I can't wait to watch GG with you!
Brian: I can't wait to get a girl. And round the bases with her. And watch Gossip Girl with you.

:) Oh Kev--I'm glad I'm a priority. In other news, I have spent far too much time online over the last day. I'm going to finally get down to business on thesis stuff today--wish me luck and a little inspiration! :)

Love,

A.

So many GOOD THINGS.

Yesterday was a fantastic day.

I had an eight-hour shift yesterday (8 AM-4 PM) that was made far more bearable by the presence of John, who came in at about 10:20 AM and stayed with me until my shift ended (although he was originally supposed to go visit a friend in Columbia who unfortunately [for her] took ill), and ended up hanging out with me until about midnight, even suffering through my screaming-jumping-freaking out antics during the Pens game. :P We WOOOOOOON!!!! :D

It's so funny--we've only hung out for about four days together, but we click SO WELL it's insane! It was a huge get-to-know-you-fest yesterday, ranging from our families to our favorite Disney princes (the Beast, doy, and you'll be getting a dissertation on that at some point).

(BTW, there are some adorable British accents happening in front of the Gateway desk right now. :D)

ANYWAY, it was a wonderful time, and we got dinner, and he looked through my book and apparently liked it a lot (yay!). I have to say, he's been so unbelievably complimentary of me. I mean, the things he's saying are simple, and they sound like I might've heard them before, but his sincerity blows me away. Example: I've said before that we have this inside joke about how he describes me as 'Belle' to his friends. Yesterday he also commented that in the movie 'Life is Beautiful', the main character greets his love interest every day by saying "Bon giorno, principessa'--he said that reminded him of me, since we met properly in Italy, and I'm a Disney Princess. :P And THEN, when I tell him how flattered I am that he has all of these sweet associations for me, he doesn't even take credit! "It's all you!" :D

So, enough gushing out of me.

...

:D


I have a date tonight, with Mark. I'm not building up any kind of expectations. I hope I have a good time, but I'm not going to force anything.

I guess a potentially awkward date with a stranger is a bit lackluster in comparison with the kind of day I had yesterday. :/ I mean, I'm totally excited about the cool things happening in my life! I guess I just don't want to let myself decide anything one way or another yet. It's ironic--when nothing is happening, I overanalyze everything, but when there's a lot going on, I'm doing my best (at least now) to SLOW the EFF down.

Whew.

In funnier news for me, Lacie is even more balls-out insane than I originally thought, and has shed every ideal she ever held in favor of some wacky, 'liberated' existance. There's so much more, but it isn't worth typing out. I'm investigating it personally, anyway. :P

Sigh. Okay, I'm done. I was shocked at first, but now I'm just laughing! How much can a person eff their own life? She's made it an art.

But let's not concentrate on that. I won that pretty eBay dress! :D It should be here within ten days! And I got a bustier to wear with it, as it is strapless, and I don't think a regular old strapless bra is going to cut it. But, yay for pretty dresses!

I'm having a good time. Scary, but good. :)

Love you all!

-A.

Undoing the knots.

I met up with Brandon yesterday--the second Person-To-See on my list since I got home (the first was Brian of "Why I Love Brian" fame), and spilled my guts to him a bit about my and Robin's breakup. He was sympathetic but logical, as usual, which meant he was simultaneously saying things like "Where the eff did this come from? Those aren't good reasons to break up. That sucks." and "There is no way you guys can be friends anymore. It'll fall apart."

My mom had a similar sentiment, but coming from a different place: "You should drop him. He rooked you. Tell him to stay the hell away from you."

Harsh, naturally. I want to stay friends with Robin--that was our first priority.

They both (along with a couple others at SACI) suggested that there's a third party. I'm not so quick to support that theory--I'd like to think that Robin would be more honest with me than that.

We've talked on the phone three times since I got home, and it's been okay, but always slightly awkward and not FORMAL, but stiff. I hate that. Maybe it'll get better when we're in person. I'm just having this terrifying feeling bubbling up in my stomach that things will fall apart like Brandon said. He was right about Lacie and I, after all.

I have a theory about any relationship. Each party has to put in 100%, okay? Doy. We all know this. If they both do this, things can work out much more evenly and with a higher success rate. If both parties let it drop off, say, only giving 60% each, it'll disintegrate on it's own. If one person is only giving 90%, the other person works to give 110% to balance that and so on. If one party is super-dedicated to making the relationship work, he or she will overextend him or herself to meet the difference, whether it's a small one (10%) or a huge one (say, 80%).

I learned this from my mom, who worked for ten years to make her marriage with my dad work because she thought it was her fault that it wasn't working, when in reality, Dad was the one who wasn't doing a damn thing. I've inherited my mom's tendency to overextend--I take care of people and end up ignoring or sacrificing my own comfort in the process. At least, I used to.

That whole shebang ended in my friendships as far as The Lacie Situation--I learned to never, ever let any friend jerk me around and take advantage of my the way Lacie did. I hardened somewhat.

Maybe I hadn't learned to take-no-bullshit romantically yet until the break-up with Robin. Not that I think I was taking care of Robin the way I did Lacie (I was her Mom/Sister/Confidante for five years plus), but I was easy on him. I let him off easy after the breakup. I didn't intend to, and I guess I can't say that there isn't time for me to still get answers that I want and need. I think that after I left for Italy, the effort to keep the relationship going was 99% mine. I thought a lot of things about how Robin was feeling and I got a lot of green lights, so it was Full Speed Ahead for awhile. Until mid-February, when I actually challenged Robin by trying to move forward.

That was when things changed a bit. He had been resistant to our becoming "official" because of our "differences"--the ones that would be too big to get past. Faith, politics, lifestyles. All understandable. But I asked him to try and let go of worries about the future--I cared about him and just wanted to be in the moment, in the relationship (which was a huge step for me on its own). I asked him not to let me talk him into it, which he took into account, and accepted my offer. Great!

But as soon as I even HINTED at the fact that we would have to tell people, specifically Marla, he got very tense. He broke up with me two weeks later, citing our differences once more, anxiety over telling people about us, and our 'doomed-to-fail'-ness. He assured me Marla had nothing to do with it, and maybe that's true. Maybe he was too worried that the whole thing would blow up within our social circle.

Either way, he dropped the Effort ball at some point. Now, I'm not saying that is always the wrong thing to do, but in this case, we hadn't been together on the same continent as a couple yet, and I was to return in one month when we broke up. Everyone I told was stunned--"Where did this come from?", "You'll be home in four weeks!", "What random timing...", etc.

It sucked, hard, but I'm actually feeling okay about it. I mean, I'm bummed on some level, I guess, but I worked hard to get over it. Mom insists that I moved on too fast, let Robin off way too easy. (Coming from the woman who told me we hadn't been together long enough to warrant disappointment in the first place. *eyeroll*)

I guess I just didn't/don't want to dwell on it, but more and more I just want to get some answers and move forward again, even if it's in a completely different direction.

Hope you're all having a fantastic week--love you all!

-A.

Five weeks. :)

This is both a scary and awesome prospect--I am so not ready! :/ But I know that even if I'm not ready, I'll be where I'm supposed to be once I step off the plane.

Thanksgiving break was wonderful. I saw Drea and Abby (yay!) and Brian, and the Ruzichs (minus Mr.) and QUAIDY, which made my life. :P I also gave Lauren an AWESOME birthday gift that she wanted--a (n illegally downloaded) copy of Rosetta Stone so she can learn German! Or Italian, if she so wishes. :)

I also ran into Rachel B. (groan) who tells me that Lacie has been up and down. I then spoke to Brandon who tells me she's even crazier than I had anticipated. Ah well, it's her life.

The highlights of my break though, were the evenings I spent with Robin and his friends Sam and Jessie et. al. Tuesday, the night I got home, was spent at Ritters with S and J, just getting reacquainted and having a nice time. THEN, on Saturday, Robin came to Sewickley and met Drea and Brandon and than we met up with S and J and got a group together to play first Cranium, then Spoons, and then Asshole and Quems. (card games). It was SO MUCH FUN. It was sort of nice to just let loose with some relative strangers. :D And, of course, it's always a pleasure to spend time with Robin. :)

Okay, a lot to do before the week is out.

TO DO:

-VISA, GOD DAMMIT.
-Hand in administrative MICA forms for study abroad.
-Do a five-page paper on Olympia by Manet. By tomorrow at 9 am. (More than doable, but annoying.)
-Shellac/Fire final ceramics project.
-Do nine two-hour drawings for José. By Thursday. (AAAAAH.)

Love you guys. :) Christmas season is here! (BTW, EMILY made me lose the game, like a jerk. So, you can all lose, too. :P)

-Alyssa

P.S. I intend to go to Drea C.'s 21st birthday. It's in the works--you won't be alone, Em! :P

I kind of enjoy busting the freshmens' asses.

A huge batch of disciplinary letters just got logged in to the mail for the freshmen too dumb to hide their partying, and I really enjoy when one of them comes along so I can smile smugly at them. Is that cruel? They're all incredibly spoiled and ridiculous.

This is an actual conversation my friend had with one of them:

Dumb Freshman Girl: Excuse me, can you smell this milk for me?
Tiff: Sorry?
DFG: I just need to know if it's bad.
T: Did you check the expiration date?
DFG: Yeah, it's not expired yet. I didn't refrigerate it, and it smells weird.
T: You DIDN'T refrigerate it?
DFG: I didn't know you were supposed to.
T: ...
DFG: My mom does all the grocery shopping.
T: You've never helped her put away the groceries?
DFG: That's what our maid is for.

SRSLY.

ETA: OKAY. A girl just asked me if I knew why her mail key wasn't working. Why, yes, I'm well-acquainted with the inner mechanical workings of these 15-year-old mailbox locks. *eyeroll*

It's a little gross. Or a LOT gross.

So, yeah, I'm very stern with them. I do my best to be intimidating, actually. I'm scary. :P

But you all guys know me better than that. ;)

Anyway, I realize I haven't explained two situations: my roommates and Lacie.

Me, my roommates, and our two male fixtures: Let's see if you can follow this--

My best friend at MICA is Robin, who liked Betsy, but Betsy likes Ryan who's hooking up with Jen who's still interested in her ex-boyfriend Dylan (who is from Squirrel Hill, by the way). AND Betsy is still mourning her recent ex, who ended their 5-year relationship in June.

Sheesh.

Betsy just started talking to her ex again, and it has been the cause of several loud fights with her mom over the phone that ring clearly through the narrow hallway of our apartment.

So, on to Lacie: She defriended me a week ago for absolutely no good reason. She defriended me because I deigned to still like Abby M., Brian's pre-and-post-Lacie flame. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Then she shaved her head and deleted her Facebook entirely. Yup. It happened.

It just started raining, and my first listen to Jack's Mannequin's new album, The Glass Passenger is winding down. It's a good album. :)

Also, to whoever watched Gossip Girl last night--WHAT. Also, Lacie reminds me far too much of Queen!Serena to be entirely comfortable.

It just reminds me how good you all are to me, and how blessed I am to have you.

Muah!

-Alyssa

End-of-Summer To-Do List

-Dance Party.
-Meteor Show (This coming Monday, the 11th, to (apparently) Wednesday the 13th).
-Sleepover.
-Wizard People, Dear Reader viewing.
-Gossip Girl viewing (I will get Em hooked!).

Anything to add? Suggestions are, naturally, embraced.

E'n'P was fun tonight. Ab-Fab, get out here! How's the new place, by the way? And the roomie?

As most of you are aware, I let Lacie know that I needed a significant break from her. This has been a long time coming, and I'm glad I did it. I feel relieved, and more relaxed than I have been all summer. But I might also attribute this to Em and Drea's homecoming. :))))))

Anyhoo, keep those suggestions coming!

Muah,

Lyss

Hooray for things to do!

Emily is home! And since we've already spent, like, 15 of the 36 hours she's been home and awake together, we are doing the logical thing and spending all day together again today. :)

It is SO nice to have someone [sane] to hang out with.

Drea will be home in two days, I hear Bri will be back for a couple days at the end of the month, and hopefully Ab-Fab, you can find some time to come down and hang out with us soon. We miss you!

Saw Lacie briefly on Sunday--it was awkward, and she got that dreadful Monroe piercing I advised against.

Short entry, but it's only been a couple days, so, not much to report.

Muah!

Love, Alyssa

Talk, talk, talk.

Lacie came by and apologized sincerely for all of her disappearing.

I forgive her, but I'm still hesitant to be friends with her.

That's about it. I'm doing better--I'm over my freakout. :P

Still counting down to when you guys are with me again!

Can't wait! :DDDD

Love, Alyssa

Time is going so fast, and SO SLOW.

So fast because there's a month left before we all split up again--we have less than three weeks together before school--and slow because you guys aren't home yet!

We have to stretch the time we have together out as far as we can. I don't care if I sleep in that time, I just want to spend time with all of you.

Lacie and Brian broke up, and I'm semi-avoiding Lacie right now. She apparently took it well, but I just want this to be over. That's another reason time is going so slowly. I can't get away from this situation quickly enough.

It's like, I can't even pinpoint why I'm mad. I'm furious with her, but why? I can't articulate it. I'm mad because she's crazy. That sounds ridiculous! I'm mad because she doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut. I'm mad because she wants everyone to tell her what to do and how to get better, but she wants to do it on her own terms. She wants help and she doesn't. A great deal of her revels in her Crazy. I'm mad because she's selfish, but she pretends she's not. I'm mad because she disappears. I'm mad because she's so damn put-upon. I'm mad because she thinks she's Cinderella. I'm mad because, as well as she's doing physically, she's so far gone mentally, I can't even know what will happen when she moves in with Rachel. I'm mad because she's going to live with Rachel. I'm mad that she won't listen to me, but is constantly after my counsel. I'm mad because she doesn't REALLY want to hear my thoughts, she just wants me to agree with her when she says Abby Maurice is going to steal Brian or whatever bullshit she's come up with. I'm mad because I think she's lying to me.

I'm also mad at myself because I think she's lying. I feel terrible because no one would/should lie about what I think she is lying about.

I'm also mad that I've been alone all summer. I'm not mad at any of you--I love you, and we all have lives, naturally. But I've been so unbelievably lonely and stressed out. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. This is the third time I've cried today (Although I could attribute this to my period). Last night I hung out with Brian and three of "Lauren's Friends", sans-Lauren, and it was the most fun I've had since you guys left. I ESCAPE to work. I only feel calm in my house when I'm alone in it.

I don't feel like I'm being taken care of by the people that are available to me. I'm not being taken care of by my friends or my family. I'm being taken care of by my co-workers, and my sister's friends, and my friend's now ex-boyfriend.

I'm so sad, and I don't know how not to be right now, and that's so scary to me. You guys know I'm not a sad person. You guys know me better than anyone right now. I just want to be with you, and be away from all of this Crazy. My mom's Crazy, my sister's Crazy, Lacie's Crazy, lonely Crazy. Even my own Crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy on my own here. Thank God we live in modern civilization with phones and blogs so I can keep myself anchored to you all, but MAN, has this been challenging.

You know, this was going to be an excited blog? I am so excited about you guys coming home, and look what it deteriorated into! Some dramatic blogging by yours truly. :P

I hate to be this heavy. You guys know how much I love to be upbeat and everything. And I am okay--I will be fine! Promise! Hurry back! :D

Love,
Alyssa

And the crazy re-emerges...

Lacie is in my kitchen preparing a bake sale.

Yes, a bake sale.

WHAT THE EFF.

What goes on in her mind?! It's like she thinks she's a Disney Princess or something, and all the bunnies and squirrels will help her get out of this rut that nature has dealt her (and not herself, of course). She thinks she's freaking put-upon Cinderella.

I start Chico's today--I'll update later and tell you how it goes.

Muah,

Alyssa

Home again, home again...(jiggedy jig).

I'm back in Sewickley again! I was just away for a few days moving out of my apartment (yay!!!!!) and into my NEW one. It is very nice and very big, and sunlight comes through the windows...which open! It is awesome. I have the smallest bedroom, which is still two and a half times the size of my old one. Unfortunately, like NO sunlight gets into that room. It is the ONLY room that barely gets natural light.

Ah well, I guess a lot of time will be spent in my living room! That actually serves as a living room and not a combo living/dining space!

You guys are all invited to hang the hell out with Baltimore with me at my cool apartment. :)

I've been researching Art Conservation as a grad school option for myself--I've always found it fascinating--and guess what? Almost every single program I looked at recommended/required a trip to Florence. Ironic, hm?

I'm trying to decide if it's even plausible to try and make Florence an option. I mean, even if I worked hard to get more money, it would kill me if, even after all the hard work was done, I still couldn't do it. And I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but it's still a very likely possibility that it wouldn't play out.

But, it seems pretty coincidental.

Well, it does.

Yes, I'm lame. :P

Anyway, I also got to visit my godparents over the weekend, which was really great. As soon as I got home, though, within an hour I wanted to peace out.

I left on Sunday. On Friday night, Lacie and I had gone to Brian's house and ended up leaving when his sister showed up in a funk, so Brian went to talk to her, so Lacie and I left in an attempt to let them talk things out in private. On our way back, Lacie ended up turning around, so I told her I'd see her in a few hours, and she said she would only be a few minutes.

The next time I saw her was, mmm, TODAY.

I basically told her that she can't disappear for three days without calling THE HOUSE WHERE SHE LIVES. It's not that big of a deal, I guess, but it was frustrating at the outset. And Lauren was being whiny, etc.

I'm fine now. :)

ANYWAY, I can't wait until you girls are home! Two more weeks!

Muah,

Alyssa

Mmkay...

The Dark Knight was made of amazingness.

It was awesome, and all of the whispers about a possible posthumous Oscar nomination for Heath Ledger are completely justified. Also, Gary Oldman FTW. And Aaron Eckhart. :)

It was all great. The ending wasn't what I expected, but I suppose it was rather fitting.

You just have to see it yourself! Em, you and I are hitting that shit UP when you get home! :P

Dan really liked my dad and Lisa, and vice-versa. Mom and Lacie keep talking about how they wouldn't be surprised if Dan proposed after college, if things go how they are (which is...a fuzzy image of a quasi-relationship? That's solid. :P).

BAH.

I'm working up the courage to call Mark, to apologize and hopefully catch up. Maybe I don't have to, and maybe I shouldn't, but something makes me feel like unless I do, I won't be able to fully engage in a relationship (an OFFICIAL one) with Dan. But maybe I'm just making excuses.

I tried calling about fifteen minutes ago, but no answer. Hm.

I'm headed up to the B-More on Sunday, and I'm so glad to be able to move into my new place! Not so glad about the huge piles of money it takes to get ANYTHING worthwhile, but there's American consumerism. Not that I mind my quality of life. :)

Especially with cool kids like you guys around.

(Awwwwwwww...)

Also looking forward to seeing my Godfamily, who I adore. Whom?

Also, a quick scoping-for-potential-jobs session. Wish me luck!

Muah,

Alyssa