THE FUTURE.

I've been thinking about a lot of facets of the future. Jobs, relationships, art, and direction in general. Let's look at some categories:

Jobs: This is the most unpredictable/uncontrollable of the four, at least as far as gainful employment is concerned. I might not get a super-profitable job thanks to not being able to drive (urg--although I wouldn't have a car even if I knew how), or a lack of credentials. I might be waiting tables or doing less-than-dignified (but perfectly fine) jobs until further notice. I'm okay with this. The problem is FINDING the job in the first place. Is anyone even hiring anymore? And are they willing to be very flexible about extended visitation with long-distance boyfriends? (That's a JOKE. Ish.)

Art: John has been instrumental in reminding me not to take myself so damn seriously all the time. I'm usually pretty down on myself/my art. I'm very aware that I'm not in the top 10% of my class as far as talent/skill--maybe not even the top 30%! (On a sidenote--having the money to get a laptop/programs to extend my skill set would've revolutionized the work I produced at MICA.) But regardless, I know that it's useless to beat myself up. I AM talented, even if I don't draw LIKE a specific other student.

I freaked myself out last night about Showcase--when the illustration seniors get to talk to an art director who was (hopefully) part of a list we submitted in March. My thesis teacher informed me that I got very lucky, and will be talking to Sarah Vinas...the art director of Glamour magazine. WHAT. So, naturally, I'm TERRIFIED, and wishing my work was ten trillion times better/more/editorial/sexier and oh-god-WHY did I do a final with old people?!

But, John kindly reminded me (after I moved myself to tears) that this isn't a job interview. She's here to talk to me about how to move forward and where to go from here. Having some time to live and work at home without the pressures of rent and bills (for now) is ideal--I can take time to worry about my art and only my art. I can experiment, practice, maybe even branch out into some design-y things. (I know!)

Relationships: John and I are obviously staying together after graduation. I don't think anyone here was questioning that. But, also obviously, this will be the biggest challenge we've faced yet as a couple (THANK GOD--what a gift! Only having to worry about a few months apart). There are big things coming for us, and I'm not worried about the distance. We're both devoted to making the effort, which takes care of that.

Direction: This one is a bit more elusive than a job, but rather easier to control, oddly enough. It goes hand-in-hand with the other three categories, and those determine it. I know--where does the aspect of control come in?! But I guess what I mean is that you should have faith that you'll end up where you need to be.

The best example of this for me starts waaay back when I was in fourth or fifth grade. I had a friend named Teresa, who was actually a bossy, controlling, BITCH, but she could draw pretty well for a nine year old. Naturally, I wanted to be just like Teresa, so I started to draw more. That summer, my mom asked if I'd like to enroll in an art class with my other friend Anna, who went to a different school. I said no, reasoning that Teresa would teach me what I needed to know about drawing (I think I cited 'shading' specifically to my mother :P). The next year, Anna moved away, and Teresa and I fell out a couple years later.

If I had started taking real art courses then, where would I have ended up? Still at MICA? (I think so.) I think that was the first time that I was offered a chance to decide my life's direction. When I was a dumbhead and said no, I was gently guided in that direction later by something that appealed more to my silly teenaged self (a character in a book who happened to be an artist). So, I got into art again, and here I am, graduating from art school. Coming to MICA was a wonderful thing, even if it was only to put me in the company of wonderful friends and a wonderful man. (I don't think that's the case, but I think you get my meaning.) Everything happens for a reason.

So, with that, John's here and is going to read to me. :) What a great guy. <3

Love,
-A.

The Sads. :(

Look here for a pick-me-up. And HERE especially.

A Frustrating Day.

This morning, John and I were supposed to drive back to my hometown of Sewickley so I could see my little brother KJ in a musical for the first time. He had a supporting lead in The Sound of Music--one of my personal favorite shows--and I was SO EXCITED to go and support him.

Unfortunately, last night it decided to snow--not much in Baltimore or Pittsburgh, but the snow decided to plop itself right in our path--6 to 10 inches, apparently, although I have no idea what the weather was ACTUALLY like on the Turnpike, as we never left. Both of my parents warned me about the danger of driving on the Turnpike in snow (the travel speed was reduced to 45mph there), and if we were only going to be there for one day it wasn't worth it. Of course, Mom left the decision entirely up to me (Dad basically told me not to come), which (of course) means that I knew I had to stay home. I was furious. I cried for a few hours, had John call Mom to tell her--because I didn't want to talk--and had John tell Mom to tell Dad, and tell him not to call me.

Maybe I was overreacting (John insisted I wasn't), but I was SO disappointed. I've never seen KJ perform, especially a role like Max Detweiler, and I had my heart set on it. I hated having to surrender to something as stupid and changeable as the weather--especially when I couldn't see it myself. I'm still now sure if it was worth it to stay--if we'd have been in any REAL danger to drive down. Either way, it's done now. :/

John was instrumental in getting me through the day--apart from putting up with my tears, he was all too willing to stick around and make me lunch (after we fell asleep for three hours--crying always tires me out) and snuggle me up if I needed it. And, of course, offer me delicious Chinese food for dinner. Seriously, he knows how to show me love. :P

I also cut myself some bangs today--John initially brought it up--citing photos of me from Fall 2008. He thinks I'd look great in bangs again, and Robin quickly seconded this when I brought up cutting my bangs to Katie on Wednesday night when we all went out for burgers (and to watch Canada cream Russia--woo!). So, I decided 'What the hell?', and cut my bangs in the bathroom this afternoon. They need to grow in a little bit, but I'm happy--I just need to pay a bit more attention to my eye makeup now. :P

The senior party--entitiled 'Gala Obscura'--is tomorrow night. It's a cocktail party, and I have to decide what on Earth to WEAR. I don't want to go too formal, but I would hate to be overdressed. What to do?!

Hope you're all doing well. Stay warm!

Love,

-A.

Valentine's Day and a few churchy/cultural musings

Last year's Valentine's Day was a huge disappointment (even in Italy). This year made up for all that and more. :D

John and I went to church yesterday morning, then grabbed lunch at Sofi's Crepes with Emily and our neighbor Maggie before John had to go to rehearsal for Midsummer. I did laundry, showered and dressed for dinner before meeting John to go to P.F. Chang's in the Harbor. We caught the Light Rail and made it in time for our 6:30 reservations, which ended up being closer to 7:30 reservations due to delays. BUT, we got a super-awesome cushy VIP booth, so that made up for it. :) We got egg rolls (YES) and I got almond and cashew chicken, which was delicious, and John and I shared a banana spring roll dessert with pineapple-coconut ice cream. YUM! It was a really fun and relaxing dinner, and I just love him! :D

Nora (Robin's squeeze) and Dewey (Nora's elder brother and JEN'S recent romantic interest) also visited this weekend. Nora came to my performance at Coffeehouse of Luurrrve (I sang "I've Never Been In Love Before" from Guys and Dolls) and John, Jewey (as we nicknamed Jen/Dewey), Emily, Colin, Katie, Nora, Robin and I all gathered at our place to play Balderdash (for about three hours!) afterwards! Super fun and super silly. :D We'll just say--geese, swans, kakkerlak (kyaa-kur-lyaaaak), and The Stuff: DO YOU HAVE IT?

As I said, I woke up early yesterday, and John, Emily, Maggie and I went to church. The sermon itself was fine--about Jesus growing to learn and know His Father and His purpose, etc. However, there were two testimonies about 'Unity Month' in the church. The first was from a Korean woman who didn't really experience a racially-diverse church until she and her husband went to Paris for his job. When they came back they found Faith Christian Fellowship (where I attend), and knew that's where they wanted to belong because of it's diversity. Fair enough.

The second woman grew up quite sheltered--lived in Colorado, college in western Massachusetts. She decided to attend medical school in Baltimore, which was obviously a huge change. She started attending FCF and obviously found herself more integrated with non-whites. Okay, cool. BUT, then she used the phrase 'racial reconciliation', and spoke about how she realized we (as in, "we whites") have to repent for what our forefathers did to the slaves. "Our country was built on the backs of slaves and Native Americans," she said. "We need to stop overlooking and sugar-coating that aspect of history." She closed with, "Happy Black History Month!"

I was pretty annoyed by the whole testimony. Another thing--our bulletins explained Unity Day, and this sentence appeared: 'For youth who have grown up in a generation sheltered from the legal racism of our past, was the Obama victory a big deal?"

Firstly, it is important to remember that the US did own and use slaves for a hundred years before the Civil War. It is part of our history, and we teach that history in order to acknowledge that wrong to subsequent generations. I've never felt that the participation of slaves in the founding of our country was overlooked or underrepresented. In fact, I would say that that's an aspect of history we concentrated on. In my (Northern and mostly white) elementary and middle school, we absolutely observed Black History Month. It didn't make a big difference to me then--I was brought up to look at people as equals no matter what. (A side note--I despise the phrase 'African-American'. The first part of this article [vulgar though it may be] describes my thoughts on the subject exactly.)

As I got older, I heard about the movement to pay restitution to black families in our recent history (like, in the last thirty years), and it made me realize that it was a step backwards for anyone (of any race/color) to dwell on the mistreatment of blacks during slave times. Those who perpetrated those offenses (not to mention those who suffered them) are long dead. And not only that--private organizations were BOYCOTTED due to their connections to slavery. I'm talking as recently as 2005. Was the Emancipation Proclamation not enough of an apology? Freedom wasn't enough? I mean, I'm Irish--can I ask for reparations for MY ancestors being mistreated at the turn of the century? Can I boycott the places that denied them jobs until they apologize for their long-dead managers? What about Chinese History Month? Indian History Month? No? But I digress.

I do believe that racism is still alive and well--I'm not an idiot. I'm aware that several groups (racism does not belong to blacks, as it is unfortunately thought to) are being mistreated and prejudiced against in the US. However, I am a firm believer that this is an exception to the rule now.

The recent election is a whole other issue--the fact that it was so important that Obama was black (half-black--he's as black as he is white, people) was pretty sickening to me. WHO CARES IF HE IS BLACK? The important thing is if a politician is ready, competent, and if he or she in the best person for the job. Age, sex, and race/color DO NOT MATTER.

Obama's election could be an indicator that the US has reformed enough, and is 'ready', as a country, for a black president. Or, perhaps, we never had a more competent political option from another race/color in recent memory (Jesse Jackson? Al Sharpton? UGH.). Or perhaps, some people were voting for him because of his race and color. This CNN exit poll shows that the LARGE majority of every minority voted for Obama, including 95% of black men who voted voted for Obama, and 96% of black women. I think that it is just as bad to vote for Obama because he is a person-of-color as it is to vote against him for it. I could have cared less that Obama is half-black--I didn't vote for him because I think he was the absolute wrong choice.

It think it's time to stop singling out any race/color. The color of our skin is simply aesthetic. We are made equal. By paying more attention to one over another, we're moving away from equality and towards racism--however good our intentions may be.

I mentioned the testimony to my sister--her response was telling:

Lauren: Ahh, Black History Month. The most useless month of recognition...Me and my BLACK FRIEND FROM AFRICA were talking about that the other day. (Her emphasis--the friend is 'Jabbie', her neighbor from Sierra Leone. From Wikipedia: "Unlike most African nations, Sierra Leone has no serious ethnic or religious divisions. People often married across tribal and religious boundaries.")

Me: What did he say?

Lauren: He said that whenever they specially recognize black people then it's not equal, because they're trying to promote black people when they should be just like everyone else.

_______

Well, there you go.

Yeah, yeah, we're losers. But we're adorable.

Okay, because John and I are sappy buttfaces, we came up with some cuddly creatures. Literally creatures who cuddle. Observe:

,.'o o'.,
(° uu °)

^^^^^^ This is the Cuddle Hippo. Behold his adorableness. (We collaborated on this one.)

{"°O°"} {''. o .''}

^^^^^^ These are the Cuddle Koalas (The original animal). John's original is on the right. My improvement is on the left. :P

_/____-_-\

(,_,_,/-\,_,_,)(O)° (,_,_,_,_,_,_,_,)(O)°

^^^^^^ This is the Cuddle Caterpillar.

He lives in the Cuddle Chrysalis. --> ||-=(IIIIIII)

I know. We're losers. But we're adorable.

Love,

-A.

Hark, how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say 'Throw cares away'...

I'm home and settled in for the most part--John was here from Thursday to Monday and met my Dad, his wife Lisa and her daughter Sam, Robert, KJ, Em, Drea, Joey V., Bess, Abby C. and her boyfriend Greg, not to mention RE-meeting my SACI roommates Emily, Christine and Ulyssa.

We got in around 4:15 and unpacked and relaxed with KJ and Mom and Robert until about 5:30 when we drove up to my Dad's for his 49th (!) birthday dinner! Dad and Lisa really liked John, which was nice ("What's not to like?" -My mom).

After that, we met up with Drea and Eat 'N' Park (which looks all Panera-fied and not greasy/seedy AT ALL anymore, which is upsetting), and soon accumulated a few more people: Joey, Em, and Bess. When Drea, Em, and Bess has to leave, Joey gave John a very involved quiz to prove his worth. :P It was pretty great, ranging from "What is Alyssa's favorite color?" to "Do you like 'Jersey Shore'?" (PLUS A GA-GRILLION POINTS) It was fun. :D

John met Ab and Greg on Sunday night--it was a casual visit, and John was pretty quiet for the whole thing, but it was so good to catch up with Abby and see Greg again!

Monday night was great--John and I went to the South Side and met up with Emily, Christine and Uly at S Bar. We caught up and talked and it was SO good to see them (I haven't seen them since APRIL! WHAT? Almost eight months?!). They're all doing well and are all happy. It was really good to reconnect.

John left on Monday around 1, and I'm already ready for him to come back! He and Lauren didn't get to meet because Lauren was in Ohio this weekend visiting friends. But they'll both be here on the 29th to meet! Pretty exciting!

We also got our Christmas tree, but our (working) lights only cover about 2/3 of the tree. Class. :P

Cheese-tastic aside (Lauren, skip to the end :P): Since being with John, I've really begun to understand what Godly love is. I always knew God loved me, but I had no idea what that love felt like to palpably give and receive until I got into a relationship with John. He's really made me realize what it means to commit and to take chances but also feel entirely sure and confident in myself and in my relationship. He proves to me (even more) how completely God takes care of His people. I'm so thankful, and so happy. I love him! Yay!

Hope you all have an amazing and merry Christmas!

Love,

-A.

Snatched from (Wedding Cabaret)

From "The Irrational Season" by Madeleine L'Engle

But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take…It is indeed a fearful gamble…Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take…If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.

(Found here.)

-A.

Bringing me back to my Fall 2007 Shakespeare class...

The Passionate Shepherd to His Love
by Christopher Marlowe

Come live with me, and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That valleys, groves, hills and fields,
Woods, or steepy mountain yields.

And we will sit upon the rocks,
Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks
By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

And I will make thee beds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle,
Embroidered all with leaves of myrtle.

A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull,
Fair lined slippers for the cold,
With buckles of the purest gold.

A belt of straw and ivy buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs,
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me, and be my love.

The shepherds’ swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May-morning;
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me, and be my love.

And Sir Walter Raleigh's response:

If all the world and love were young,
And truth in every shepherd's tongue,
These pretty pleasures might me move
To live with thee and be thy love.

Time drives the flocks from field to fold,
When rivers rage and rocks grow cold;
And Philomel becometh dumb;
The rest complains of cares to come.

The flowers do fade, and wanton fields
To wayward winter reckoning yields:
A honey tongue, a heart of gall,
Is fancy's spring, but sorrow's fall.

The gowns, thy shoes, thy beds of roses,
Thy cap, thy kirtle, and thy posies
Soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten,—
In folly ripe, in reason rotten.

Thy belt of straw and ivy buds,
Thy coral clasps and amber studs,
All these in me no means can move
To come to thee and be thy love.

But could youth last and love still breed,
Had joys no date nor age no need,
Then these delights my mind might move
To live with thee and be thy love.

Fear and Gravity.

I realized something last night and this morning:

I have a lot of fears about being abandoned, or alone, or not a priority in someone I love's life. Some of these fears are warranted, some aren't.

What I know is that I can't let these fears control me--I don't want to hold back because I'm worried it won't work out. However, I don't want to settle or compromise because that would be the absolute worst thing I could do as far as levying my fears. Sure, I won't be alone, but I would be denying myself--another fear.

My sister often says that I idealize love--I want "A Grand Romance" that is impossible to get. That could be very true.

I want someone to search and study and learn my face, not just look at it. I want them to be physically and intellectually attracted to me, to respect me.

The intensity of the delivery should always match the sentiment of the words.

And I want to feel that way back. Maybe my standards are intense--it's ridiculous when people tell me I'm reaching too high, because I know I'm great (unto myself, and not in comparison to anyone), and worth being loved the way I deserve, and I don't think it's out of line to demand that.

(But, of course, I do get nervous [fear, again!] that I'll settle.)

Ugh, there was something I thought of this morning that wrapped this up so much more neatly, but I can't remember it. I'll write it down as soon as I do and get back to you.

@@@

"I can't shrug you off."

"I'm too heavy--all the gravity [of my situation]. :P"

@@@

Love,

A.

Sheesh.

Okay, be prepared, because I'm about to go into a ramble.

As most of you know, the little box under my Facebook profile picture says "I want undiluted love." This is very true. My friends know this and have referenced my own phrase to me several times when I've expressed hesitance with a guy--several guys since I've returned to Baltimore (as you may have read).

I appreciate what they are trying to say--plainly, "WHY ARE YOU HESITATING, YOU DUMMY?" These inputs, paired with my own observations, can be ironed out into these points:

1. It's easier to love than be loved/be halfway.

When I'm interested in someone, I can handle the person not feeling the same way. It still sucks--don't get me wrong--but then, like with any rejection, one can have the freedom and the right to feel sad, angry, hurt, upset, etc.

For me, I'm in this awkward and limiting place where I can't summon the same feelings or potential for those feelings. This is a natural thing--we don't fall in love with everyone who is interested in us. Doy. However, I feel stifled when I can't reciprocate more than a little. :/ (Not that this is every case, but I'm never 'all-there' for that other person.) It's so hard to "have the control" in the situation, when I don't have control over my own feelings!

2. It sounds self-centered--"Oh, all these boys love me, what am I going to do?!"

I hate looking like some fickle asshole jerking guys around--I was best friends with those butthead girls, and I don't want to become one, having disengaged myself from that behavior in others already. I hate looking like a tease, or careless. The last thing I want to do is give someone the wrong impression, but it feels like setting myself up for failure to SAY 'Oh, I'm just trying you out--we'll see if I like you someday.'

3. I don't just feel like there's something missing in one situation, or two, but in myself.

The biggest frustration is feeling like there's something wrong with ME in not being able to feel for these boys in return. Now, don't get me wrong--sometimes I felt exactly what I was meant to (Nick and Chris were total wastes of time, for example, and I 'm glad I didn't waste any feelings on them), but there have been awesome guys that care about me that I can't be 100% for when they really deserve it!

I've written before that I want to be able to work and grow in my feelings alongside the other person, together. That is made very difficult when the other person is leaps ahead of me in regards to their feelings about me. That is nothing they've done wrong, in the least. It's a complete honor--just a lot of pressure.

I had a much-needed phone call with Melissa last night--I've been in a bit of a faith rut recently, and that call with her was so helpful in reassuring me that I need to stop stressing myself out. I'll feel for a man when it's supposed to happen, whoever it's with. Whew. She also reminded me of a certain line in Song of Solomon (2:7) that I need to keep in mind:

In my Bible (NAS), it says this, "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the hinds of the field, That you do not arouse or awaken my love Until she pleases."

Melissa's version (NIV) says this: "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Her translation is much prettier, and well, applicable. :)

I have to be patient. (Dammit.)

An unrelated eyeroll, from the first paragraph of Lacie's new blog: "I'm tempted to write something serious or consequential about my recent fall from grace, my new crush, my penniless existence, or my complete state of unbelief and the apparent utter loss of a future. Instead, however, I'd like to revert back to focusing on my one, true love, fashion."

Yesterday was a lovely day off--I got some errands run, wrote a letter and a nice, long diary entry (6th handwritten diary begun--woo!), watched The Other Boleyn Girl and had bonding time with Kirsi, and got my phone charger back! I'm connected with the real world again! :P

Today will be as productive and relaxing, hopefully. It's already gotten off to a good start! I went into the Main Building this morning for some Financial Aid stuff, and ran smack into some conservators restoring the plaster casts in the lobby! I watched them for a little bit, and started talking to them about programs and opportunities. Ugh--before I'd even APPLY to a program I need two years of chem. And then art history (which I've mostly done) and languages (a working knowledge of reading French and German for NYU). Eesh. There are only four art conservation programs in the country--and only three I'd really consider: NYU (LOLASIFI'DGETIN), University of Delaware (where Diane and Lori, the conservators, attended), and UCLA/Getty. Ugh. It's all so competitive and scary!

Alyssa, concentrate on NOW. TODAY. Sheesh.

God, you are good. :) I see the little things, little hints and bits of information and possibilities you set out for me. Thanks.

Robin visited this weekend, which was great! We watched The Room, as planned, and I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF. It was so bad/good. Go watch it. NOW.

Having some alone time with Robin for the first time since January was also wonderful--I missed us! :) Although I have to say, we get on each other's nerves x1,000,000,000 now. Why is that? We argued way more than we ever did before this weekend. But we always apologized. :P

I also went to New Jersey, to see Harry Potter with John and his friends--that was also a very successful trip, and one of the reasons I went on the above ramble in the first place. His family and friends are wonderful, and I felt entirely comfortable and welcomed by them (with the exception of his ex, which is to be expected). John has invited me to go with him and his family and a few friends to his beach house in Delaware next month, which I would love. Finally, a chance to break out the bathing suit I got in Corsica! :P But seriously, it would be a great chance to spend more time with the awesome people in his life.

Especially his mom--I was the most nervous about meeting her after what we now refer to as "The Talk", but she was down-to-earth and fun and funny and very willing to joke about John's ex. :D She's a lot of fun and we really bonded.

ANYWAY, I have some thesis stuffs to do, then watching Closer before I have to return it to the video store. I don't think I ever described much about my thesis project, have I? I won't say too, too much, but I was inspired by David, who told me about an abandoned subway station his friend took him to. I'll just say there's a sort of escapist fantasy involved. :)

I hope you all have an awesome day. :) I'll try and update more, and better!

Love,

-A.

What is my life? Part ten trillion.

A lot to update.

So, because John was in France and he reads this, I didn't want him to find out that I had "chosen" (in the lightest possible way) Mark just by reading this--I had more respect for him than that and wanted to tell him in person, so I haven't mentioned Mark or John here at all in the last ten days.

Basically, I dated Mark for almost two weeks, and it went well. He watched the Pens games with me, and was there when we won. He gave me the most amazing surprise on Tuesday night when he brought me to a Jack's Mannequin concert--needless to say, I was completely shocked and excited and it was a fantastic show and Brian is jealous that I saw it before him without even trying. :D

But, after the concert, when I kissed Mark 'thank you', it felt all wrong. Like, 'I-am-NOT-supposed-to-be-kissing-you' kind of wrong. I tried to shrug it off and not let it ruin the evening, because I had a spectacular time, truly. It was such a thoughtful gesture.

So, John returned on Wednesday, and after my first day of work, I went by his house to welcome him back and he had brought me a bouquet of yellow flowers ("to brighten the place up now that Betsy left") and a red rose (Beauty and the Beast and all that jazz). It was so sweet, and it made what I had to say even more difficult. But, I broke the news and he took it well enough--he seemed to understand at least. I made sure he knew he did everything right, and that I wasn't really going to choose either of them--I realized that neither of them are right for me (as I feared when this all started). What I didn't expect however, was the scale of his feelings--he took me by surprise when he told me he's "never felt this way about anyone". And yes, that includes his ex-girlfriend of nearly 6 years. WOW. It was far more emotional than I expected.

But we parted on okay terms, and agreed that I would still meet his friends from home, who came in last night from New Jersey.

But, there was still the case of Mark to wrap up. I asked Mark to pick me up from work yesterday, and I told him that we shouldn't see each other romantically anymore, and he's been wonderful and it has nothing to do with anything he could control. He was "shocked", but took the blow stoically enough--at first. He asked me if it was because he moved too fast (yes and no--he was just in a 5-year long relationship and we're at different stages; it's something neither of us could control), and I assured him that there was no one else. We said goodbye and although he got emotional as well, we had a parting joke, so I'm not too worried that--after a while--we might be friends.

I spent the evening calling people and filling them in--I've left a lot out here for the sake of my own sanity, so call if you need more details--and around 10 PM, I called John and asked when I should go over (his friends were set to arrive at 1 AM). No answer. Okay, fine--I waited until 10:40, and called again. Nothing. Then 11. Nothing.

Then he called me back, and had clearly been pretty upset all day--he was sniffling on the phone. He informed me that he'd just gotten off the phone with his ex--he'd called so he could apologize, because 'now he knows how she feels'. (Twist the freaking knife, please. I alreday feel like shit for hurting you.)

He also told me that all of his female friends don't understand how I could turn down such a great guy, blah blah, etc, and he told me he ended up defending me. I told him he didn't have to defend me, and that I know exactly where his friends are coming from, but he insisted that I did nothing wrong. (Which I didn't.) Basically, that led to him telling me that Cara, the girl he's staying with right now and one of his best friends, doesn't want me in her house because I hurt John. It's not really her concern, but I understood, so I let that be, and offered my own apartment if he still wanted his friends to meet me. What it came down to, is that I agreed to wait up and he would text if he wanted to bring them over.

I accidentally fell asleep a little after midnight, and awoke at 3:30 AM, mad at myself for falling asleep in my clothes, annoyed at my stinging eyes (I'd left my contacts in), and feeling dirty and uncomfortable. I also had a text from John, explaining (as I'd expected) that the "consensus" was, he shouldn't see "the infatuee" (AKA, me) so soon, and I may not meet his friends at all this weekend. I do completely understand this, but it's all so freaking DRAMATIC!  I'm 2-for-2 in making boys cry this week, and that doubles my quotient from over the last five years!

What I don't understand is--and I am not trying to devalue or disqualify either boy's feelings--how did those feelings develop so quickly?! After all, Mark and I dated for just under two weeks, and he wanted to take me home to his parents, and John and I dated not at all (although I appreciate the bonding time we spent together)! How am I supposed to deal with all of these strong feelings--good and bad? How can I be responsible for something I can't control?

I suppose the answer is that I can't be.

And because this is my blog and I have to write down one small, selfish thing: I hurt two people, and I'm still alone. That really, really sucks.

Okay, that's enough.

I'll talk to you all soon, I hope--work is seriously cutting into my internet time. :P

Love,

-A.

The Exception to the Rule.

Before I dive in to the point of my title, Ben came to visit yesterday and stayed the night. I owe a lot to Ben for his (baldly honest) insight into my personality. It's always a pleasure to hang out with him and especially to confide in him, because when we move past the snark and the disagreements and psychoanalysis and I just need a hug, he's always there for me 100%, on my terms. (Mostly. :P) It means a lot. Thank you, Ben. :)

(Also, did I not say Gossip Girl is amazing? Told you! :P)

I got a message from Marla today, requesting that I remove from Facebook the photos Betsy took of me in the corset Marla made. Apparently, asking me to remove them has everything to do with her wanting to preserve the artistic integrity of her "creative content" (the corset--as opposed to the images, which are rightfully Betsy's), and nothing to do with the fact that she probably sent me those nasty Honesty Box messages. (After all, I had those photos up for two weeks and she didn't say a word until my second response to the HB messages.) I'm not certain, but then again, I don't know anyone else who uses the word "rather" on a daily basis. I removed the photos, obviously. No need to start a fight. But, I did add in my return message that I hate how things have ended up between us.

Betsy and I had a girl's day, starting with shopping and culminating in eating candy and watching "He's Just Not That Into You", which I enjoyed far, far more than I expected. Now, I don't want to spoil a thing, BUT, there's a particular emphasis on the Rules of dating and the Exceptions. Like, the guy will call if he wants to be with you is a Rule. Or, he finally calls after a month and you end up happily ever after? Exception.

As I've said before, I've absolutely had my moments with boys where I over-analyze and mistake his intentions or feelings. Some not so serious, some heart-breaking. We all do it. We've all been on the other side as well. I've been more present to it in the last two weeks than I have in a while.

To be fair, it is a romantic comedy, and there were happy endings. BUT, people end up single. I was impressed at the honesty, despite the character exaggerations. The happy endings were wonderful and totally made me cry. They weren't altogether shocking, but just enough of a romantic twist to make me literally cry out with something like joy at the TV. :) It's one of my favorite things about romantic comedies, and also one of my least favorite.

We all want to be the Exception to the Rule, on some level. But, I think, what I want more than the thrill and drama of being The One to Change Him, is to be...happy. I would love that grand romantic gesture after all the struggle, but I'd prefer to work through the struggle from the start. It's like a song you might know: "I'd rather be working for a paycheck then waiting to win the lottery." I want romance and wonder and that thrill in my gut when He Finally Gets It. But why would I wait for a man that doesn't want me from the start? It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

All of that aside, after watching a movie like that, I'm just ready to be in love. :P Because I am a girl who loves seeing joy.

Love you all!

-A.

P.S. Let's Go Pens! We've got a big game ahead of us!

How could I forget?!

This morning, I totally forgot to tell you guys how awesome my MICA friends are!

Last night, Paul, Marla and Robin came over, and me, my roomies and the others ate some Chinese food to celebrate the end of the semester. I worked from 9-12, amd Robin visited and then walked me back to my apartment, where I found the door locked. That was normal, so I turned my key and tried again. The bolt was done. Again, not too weird, but it was awfully early to be locking up for the night. So, I unlocked that and tried again. The CHAIN lock is done, too! So, then I figure there's something up inside that is not meant for me to see yet.

Me: "Did you know about this?"
Robin: *grin* "Know about what?"

So, Paul comes to the door and says "If I let you in, will you go STRAIGHT to your room?" So, of course, I do. Robin comes in after a few minutes and faces away from my window with me (my window looks straight into the kitchen):

Me: "How long have you guys been planning this?"
Robin: "I have no idea what you're talking about." *grin*

Finally, Betsy knocks on my door, and I turn around to see Paul, Betsy, and Jen ushering in a MASSIVE cake shaped like an alligator's head, covered in green M&Ms with a little sign saying "Cya Later Gator!" and "In a while, Crocodile!" Apparently, they all went to the supermarket as soon as I left for my shift. :) (Minus Marla, who went to a yuppie party in Federal Hill with her fellow fashion designer.) Aww, they're so sweet! So, we all changed into red-and-green (Italian colors, you know) and watched Pineapple Express (or slept though it :P), and Ryan showed up during the movie, which was nice.

___

Robin just called me to tell me he'll miss me.

:)

I'm really going to miss him, too. Not just the kissing part, obviously, but he's really grown to be my best friend this past semester. I don't really talk to anyone the way I talk to him (mostly because he's the first close guy friend I've ever really had). I think we're both like "Who are we going to confide in now?!", because while I love Melissa dearly, I can't talk to her about things with Robin, because she's even more pristine than me. And I she doesn't know the history of my roommates, or my friends at home. I won't have any more Robin to come around or to go to whenever I want to see him, and that's sad. It's like moving away from The Boy Next Door that I grew up with and shared everything with.

:(

Aw, now I'm sad.

Either way, my friends and roommates showed me how loved I am, and how much I'll be missed, and I'm SO grateful for them and their love.

But, I admit, I can't wait to get back to all of you. I've missed you guys, and I feel like we've been deprived of each other since Summer '07.

I love you all, and I'll be nearly home by this time tomorrow! :D

Muah!

-A

P.S. www.betsyvanlangen.com

>>Portfolio
>>Interrobang
>>I'm the third one in: white face with black text. :) Betsy is the first one, with the paint. Jen is covered in eggshells, Ryan in crayon wax, and Robin is PB and J.

Brilliant compliments:

"Within minutes I double back on a personal vow not to gossip, not to fan one flame that really should be left to burn out on its miserable own. I try to maintain this silly conviction but she pulls it all out of me with a smile and a simple request to tell her everything I know. I don't care, because its her. Mossad agents train for years to achieve this same fluid ease of information extraction. Though it is in a far more severe world, I can't help but think the same underlying forces are at play."

"...if I understood the world that she sees, I'd want to see it all through her eyes more than anyone else's. I'd try to pull her as close to me as I could and would want to accept the responsibility this entails. This sort of transformational gesture would become the force that could metaphorically slap her hand out of her mouth and calm any number of other nervous habits that seem to plague her. It would be such a beautiful thing to be the other half of what she is and just calm her in the ways she deserves. But the truth is that I'm nowhere near this realm. At some point I'll watch her disappear into the future with her unwavering conviction, wide eyes... "

Someone wrote these beautiful things about me. I feel so completely loved I can barely express it fully.

Election '08

I know you all voted--at least, I'm pretty sure. Ab? Bri? And I DEFINITELY know we didn't always agree. No matter the outcome, I love you guys and have only the utmost respect for you.

(But if Obama does win I'll still cry and be glad I'll be in Italy when he's inaugurated.)

But seriously. You guys are awesome people, and I love you so much! :)

I hope you all voted, and I'll talk to you when we have a new president elect.

xo,
Alyssa

P.S. Gossip Girl, anyone? Amazing? Blair/Chuck win and Jenny is a moron? Anyone? :P

Michaelangelo's Florentine Pieta and Poetry.

"How can it be, Lady, as one can see from long experience, that the live image sculpted in hard alpine stone lasts longer than its maker whom the years returned to ashes?

...[A]nd I know, for I prove it true in beautiful sculpture, that time and death can't keep their threat to the work. Therefore, I can give both of us long life in any medium, whether colours or stone, by depicting each of these faces of ours; so that a thousand years after our departure may be seen how lovely you were, how wretched I, and how in loving you I was no fool."

:)

Ouch.

Chase broke up with me last night.

We hadn't been talking as regularly, on the phone or in texts, but I supposed we were both busy. I called him on Friday because Betsy, Jen, Robin, and Ryan may be going to New York this coming weekend (the weekend Chase was supposed to visit), and they wanted us to come with them, so I asked him about it, and he was being dodgy and uncomfortable and evasive on the phone. I was uneasy, but I tried to shake it off, but Robin and I started thinking that maybe he wasn't coming after all. It sort of lingered in the back of my mind over the weekend, but then I texted him yesterday at 4:15, and he finally got back around to me at 6:15. We texted about his sister and work for an hour or so until he finally called me.

He started by apologizing for not calling as much, and I shouldered some of the blame (the phone works both ways, after all). Then he started in with those words I hate:

"I'm just going to get right to it. This isn't working out."

"Oh. Okay."

"It's just, it's hard to not have you here. I need someone here."

"Okay."

"I was going to write a letter, but I thought you might want to say something right away, and I want to give you that chance."

"Yeah. What...When did you decide this? What brought this on?"

He paused. I had a psychic moment, It's someone else.

"I'm in love with Alli."

(For those of you who don't know, Alli is Chase's coworker. He liked her for a while, and they finally started making out/dating in May. He said 'I love you' to her, too. She didn't say it back. A few weeks later, he noticed this other guy had started hanging around Alli more and more, and when he talked to the guy, he found out that this guy and Alli had been dating for a month, at the same time she was seeing Chase. Chase was pretty upset, naturally, and he talked about it with me a lot, but I always thought that the tone of our conversations were that he had learned a lesson, that he was over it. I guess he wasn't.)

"Oh. I see. Okay."

"She told me the other day that I looked different to her, and I asked if it was because she couldn't have me. (At this point I stopped listening because it was unbelievable to me.)"

"Mmhm. And does she feel the same way?"

"I think she does. We talked a few days ago."

"Okay. Then, why did you say you loved me?"

"I felt like I did." Stab. "I shouldn't have said it." Twist.

"No, you shouldn't have."

"I felt like I owed it to you to explain all this. I didn't want to pretend it just wasn't working out."

"You're right, you do owe it to me."

So, we talked a little more. Or, rather, he talked and I listened, or half-listened. I knew it was coming, but it was still a shock, you know? It's like, when you get scared, and then a few seconds pass, and the load of adrenaline hits your bloodstream.

He tried to tell me that it wasn't about my age, or my mom's rules. Which was fine, and I believe him. He said I wasn't a distraction to him, and that things would be different if I were close by. Maybe they would be for a little while, but if he's really in love with someone else, then it would have interfered eventually.

"Look, I really care about you. You're so special. And beautiful. And the most supportive woman I've ever met. And you're so understanding."

"Yeah. Thanks. Well, I guess that's that."

"You can call me if you have anymore questions or concerns or anything like that."

"Sure. Maybe I'll see you around. Good luck with Alli. Keep going with law school, too."

"Thanks, I will."

"Goodbye, Chase."

"Bye."

And that was that.

My roommates and Robin were exceedingly supportive, which was lovely. I called Drea, who was properly scandalized for my sake, and I called Lauren--I thought it might be better if she told Mom instead. The conversation went sort of like this:

Me: Chase dumped me.
Lauren: *GASP* WHAT?
Me: *surprised* Erm, yeah.
Lauren: *Insensitive*
Me: *Less surprised*
Lauren: Do you want me to tell Mom?
Me: What do you think she'd say if I told her?
Lauren: ...maybe I should tell her.

So, she did, and I spoke to Marla, who was very comforting. She told me I was dignified and handling it so well and un-hysterically. When I got home, my Mom called, and was offended that I hadn't gone to her first. She said mostly what I expected ("I'm sorry you're sad." vs. "I'm sorry Chase dumped you."), and I sort of put her in her place when she asked why I didn't call her first:

Me; You can't be surprised that you weren't the first person I called.
Mom: Actually, I was. I figured you know that I love you even f I wasn't into the Chase thing.
Me: Remember how you felt about telling your parents when Tim bugged out? When Brian bugged out? (My mom's two fiancee's that my grandparents' weren't thrilled about.)
Mom: Okay. YES. I'm completely with you. No, I totally get it. You're right.

Ha. So, me and my roommates and Marla and Robin watched A Knight's Tale (Gah, dreadful female lead) and talked. I wrote Chase a letter, and after the movie was over, Robin made me cry, but from laughing this time. :)

I'm feeling better today, but it still hurts. I mean, it's not like he said "I made out with someone else". It was "I'm in love with someone else." With a girl who already used him and threw him away like a tissue. Who only wants him because she can't have him. Or, well, I guess she CAN have him. I'm so angry with him. But I know it's for the best if he's not going to see me as someone worthy. I want someone who loves me 150%, and he wants someone familiar that he can see and touch.

A case of irreconcilable differences if I ever saw one.

My friend Brandon kept my chin up a little with this story:

Brandon: "I was showing a coworker my facebook and how it works
And then I used your page as an example of how you can see friends, etc. (you just made a status update or something)...

Sean: Who's that?
Brandon: (clicking on your profile picture) That's my friend Alyssa
Sean: She's kinda hot.
Brandon: ......yeah.
Both smiling.
That's all."

Thank you guys ahead of time for the support that I know you'll provide, I miss you guys. And Emily--please blog up a storm so I know how you are!

Love you all,

Alyssa

The big M.

Chase FINALLY said the "M" word out loud, directly, last night. He's only been delicately alluding to marriage for the last few weeks, and he's finally spit it out.

I have to say, again, not to worry, He didn't present it as an option yet, but as a distant possibility, once I'm graduated and available and if things keep going as well as they are now. We of course started talking about weddings--I mentioned Kamala's engagement and the ensuing chaos. :P So I told him that I'd been thinking about it more, about flowers and dresses and a guest list, and it was amazing how easily we slipped into talking about a wedding.

AGAIN: WE ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED ANYTIME SOON, IF EVER.

It was nice to talk about, though. It really was. Our talks have been getting more and more enjoyable and lovely, and I can't wait to have him here in person to talk about it more. And, of course, you'll all be kept in the loop.

And, once again, Mom's absurdity rears it's ugly head. I haven't told her that Chase and I are official, much less that he's visiting in two weeks, although I did allude something to Lauren today on the phone. She told me that mom had mentioned that Chase had to go through her if he intended to visit, and stay in a hotel room. First of all, "HA." and second of all, "No."

Don't get me wrong, I have every intention of remaining respectful to my mom--I love her and want her to be okay with this. BUT, I'm not about to make Chase shell out $200/night on a hotel just to see me, and it's not her decision to make.

Sheesh. But I do have to tell her within the week, and pray she doesn't try to corner him at work. :/

Anyway, another page to write on a paper and sleep time.

Love you all,

Alyssa :)

A LOT of Updates.

First of all, the SACI application process has been killing me. Not even the actual application, but the financial hoops to jump through before I even complete my entrance essay!

Second of all, I got a very interesting text message on Thursday night at one AM. From Chase. It included the "L" word. Directed at me. Yup.

So, of course, I called him immediately, expecting this to be another drunk-dialing debacle--I think I told you guys about that one. So, he answers, sounding absolutely normal:

Me: HI.
Him: Hello.
Me: How...are...you?
Him: Fine--how are you?
Me: Um, okay. Are you...okay?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Are you sober?
Him: (in a meaningful way) Yes.
Me: OH. Well.
Him: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah, just, er, surprised.
Him: At what?
Me: (in my mind: "AT WHAT?!!") Your...text message.
Him: Yeah.
Me: Okay...
Him: Okay?
Me: Okaaaay...when did this come about?
Him:...Can I call you back?
Me: Er, I guess.
Him: I'll call you right back.
*click*

The next ten minutes is me freaking out to Marla and Paul, who just witnessed this exchange.

Then I get a text message again: "I love you, deal with it."

Me: "Oh, HELL no." So, naturally, I call him again:

Him: Hello?
Me: You don't get to do that!
Him: Do what?
Me: TEXT me this kind of stuff! We've talked about this!
Him: So?
Me: WHY did you send it in a text?
Him: Because I wanted to say it now.
Me: WHY DIDN'T YOU AT LEAST CALL ME?
Him: I said what I wanted to say when I wanted to say it. Deal with it.
Me: NO. Not how it works. This is why...

So, we talked in circles like that for about twenty minutes until he finally admitted that he could've presented his feelings in a much more sympathetic way. Then, wow...

Then he started saying all these lovely things about how beautiful I was and how all of his thoughts about me are beautiful and how much he wants to hold me, and, ahem, do other things...

Then he pretty much said he wants to marry me.

ANYWAY, I was stunned and flattered and honored and little anxious (both kinds). I can see your stunned faces in my mind, too, and let me tell you, they're pretty hilarious. :) Trust me, there are NO wedding bells to be heard for MANY more years.

He called me yesterday morning to apologize again, and intends to tell me all of his feelings in person when he visits. This is NUTS!

Okay, I have to go, but I'll catch you girls soon. Call me!

Muah,

Love, Alyssa

A bootcamp private's letter to his girlfriend.

"I think of you 24/7. Whan we're standing in formation, while we're standing in line at the chow hall, while we're marching, during the church services, at night when I'm laying in my bunk staring at the cieling, when I'm scrubbing the bathroom floors, when I hear the guys singing Hannah Montana songs, definitely when we're talking about our girls back home, when I look at the stars during morning PT, when I see this white cat that's been hanging around our barracks, when I hear about the hurricanes (which make me nervous), when I'm making my bed in the morning... Almost everything reminds me of you. We were talking about different ways to propose to a girl and I'm pretty proud of my ideas. This place has made me realize how much of a blessing you are to me and how much I really love you. I wouldn't be as brave as I am now without you."