So, because John was in France and he reads this, I didn't want him to find out that I had "chosen" (in the lightest possible way) Mark just by reading this--I had more respect for him than that and wanted to tell him in person, so I haven't mentioned Mark or John here at all in the last ten days.
Basically, I dated Mark for almost two weeks, and it went well. He watched the Pens games with me, and was there when we won. He gave me the most amazing surprise on Tuesday night when he brought me to a Jack's Mannequin concert--needless to say, I was completely shocked and excited and it was a fantastic show and Brian is jealous that I saw it before him without even trying. :D
But, after the concert, when I kissed Mark 'thank you', it felt all wrong. Like, 'I-am-NOT-supposed-to-be-kissing-you' kind of wrong. I tried to shrug it off and not let it ruin the evening, because I had a spectacular time, truly. It was such a thoughtful gesture.
So, John returned on Wednesday, and after my first day of work, I went by his house to welcome him back and he had brought me a bouquet of yellow flowers ("to brighten the place up now that Betsy left") and a red rose (Beauty and the Beast and all that jazz). It was so sweet, and it made what I had to say even more difficult. But, I broke the news and he took it well enough--he seemed to understand at least. I made sure he knew he did everything right, and that I wasn't really going to choose either of them--I realized that neither of them are right for me (as I feared when this all started). What I didn't expect however, was the scale of his feelings--he took me by surprise when he told me he's "never felt this way about anyone". And yes, that includes his ex-girlfriend of nearly 6 years. WOW. It was far more emotional than I expected.
But we parted on okay terms, and agreed that I would still meet his friends from home, who came in last night from New Jersey.
But, there was still the case of Mark to wrap up. I asked Mark to pick me up from work yesterday, and I told him that we shouldn't see each other romantically anymore, and he's been wonderful and it has nothing to do with anything he could control. He was "shocked", but took the blow stoically enough--at first. He asked me if it was because he moved too fast (yes and no--he was just in a 5-year long relationship and we're at different stages; it's something neither of us could control), and I assured him that there was no one else. We said goodbye and although he got emotional as well, we had a parting joke, so I'm not too worried that--after a while--we might be friends.
I spent the evening calling people and filling them in--I've left a lot out here for the sake of my own sanity, so call if you need more details--and around 10 PM, I called John and asked when I should go over (his friends were set to arrive at 1 AM). No answer. Okay, fine--I waited until 10:40, and called again. Nothing. Then 11. Nothing.
Then he called me back, and had clearly been pretty upset all day--he was sniffling on the phone. He informed me that he'd just gotten off the phone with his ex--he'd called so he could apologize, because 'now he knows how she feels'. (Twist the freaking knife, please. I alreday feel like shit for hurting you.)
He also told me that all of his female friends don't understand how I could turn down such a great guy, blah blah, etc, and he told me he ended up defending me. I told him he didn't have to defend me, and that I know exactly where his friends are coming from, but he insisted that I did nothing wrong. (Which I didn't.) Basically, that led to him telling me that Cara, the girl he's staying with right now and one of his best friends, doesn't want me in her house because I hurt John. It's not really her concern, but I understood, so I let that be, and offered my own apartment if he still wanted his friends to meet me. What it came down to, is that I agreed to wait up and he would text if he wanted to bring them over.
I accidentally fell asleep a little after midnight, and awoke at 3:30 AM, mad at myself for falling asleep in my clothes, annoyed at my stinging eyes (I'd left my contacts in), and feeling dirty and uncomfortable. I also had a text from John, explaining (as I'd expected) that the "consensus" was, he shouldn't see "the infatuee" (AKA, me) so soon, and I may not meet his friends at all this weekend. I do completely understand this, but it's all so freaking DRAMATIC! I'm 2-for-2 in making boys cry this week, and that doubles my quotient from over the last five years!
What I don't understand is--and I am not trying to devalue or disqualify either boy's feelings--how did those feelings develop so quickly?! After all, Mark and I dated for just under two weeks, and he wanted to take me home to his parents, and John and I dated not at all (although I appreciate the bonding time we spent together)! How am I supposed to deal with all of these strong feelings--good and bad? How can I be responsible for something I can't control?
I suppose the answer is that I can't be.
And because this is my blog and I have to write down one small, selfish thing: I hurt two people, and I'm still alone. That really, really sucks.
Okay, that's enough.
I'll talk to you all soon, I hope--work is seriously cutting into my internet time. :P
Love,
-A.
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