Chit-Chat.

It seems like I've been immersed in unusual talks with unusual people lately--Lacie and I reconnected recently in Facebook messages. Not with any overt affection on my part, although it is good to hear that she's doing better. It's nostalgic, but I have no intention of bringing our friendship back to what it once was.

On the flip side, John's ex, Christine, has been making a serious effort to do...SOMETHING I can't put my finger on. Just being nebby. A mutual friend says, "She's just jealous and wants to know what's going on." (As if I'd tell her.) Lacie summed up the situation from Christine's point-of-view rather well, actually: "Hey, I know you have something to do with my ex-boyfriend--comparing you to me, you're not totally ugly and that threatens me so let me befriend you as to assure myself that I am, in some way, better than you and can come to terms with the fact that you are in the picture."

Either way, it's been amusing, but annoying and pathetic. Time to move on (although she apparently has a new boyfriend). Today is dedicated to working that out. Wish us luck!

Otherwise, the play is going very well (November 13th and 14th if you can make it!), things with work are slow (on my part), but good, and I'm so unbelievably happy with John I can't even express it. :D On that note, I'm going to New Jersey to spend Thanksgiving with John and his family, so I won't see you Sewickley people! :( BUT, I'll be bringing John back with me for the first part of Winter Break so you all can meet him! Excitement!

I've even been hearing from some of you, which is great! (Em, I'll call again today.) Drea! Where are you, dear?!

ALSO. Hilarious news. Drea C. won a beauty pageant representing my birthplace of Reading, PA. I guess getting discovered on her own wasn't enough, so she's going for Miss America! Hysterical! Check it out here.

John gets home today from a weekend visit to his family! Yay! :) Then play practice, then actual work.

Muah--

Love,

-A.

Note-To-Self

Since the first few days of classes have been hectic (but fun!), here's a reminder to myself/teaser for you about what I need to update you all on this weekend:

-My Six Flags trip AKA PERFECTION.

-My class schedule and professor profiles. AKA Me making fun of my teachers.

-How "Dumb, dumb, dumb." (see previous entry) turned into "Stupid, stupid, stupid." AKA Why Hector does not like me.

-Other fun stuff. :)

Love you all!

-A.

P.S. Ab, I got your Facebook message, and intend to reply, I've just been busy! Tomorrow or Friday!

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I have this bad habit of weaving these elaborate fantasies and letting myself believe they have roots in reality. Or, perhaps, the roots are in reality, but I sprinkle this Fantastical Miracle-Gro on them that makes it sprout into something that is very pretty, but ultimately fabricated.

Then again, I'm hard on myself--even my friends think he's shown interest.

Let me get to the point: last night, I saw Hector, and he invited me to a movie/party at Ian's (Robin's freshmen roomie and my first MICA crush) place. We went on a walk through Bolton Hill beforehand, and he called Ian to confirm the plans, and mentioned that he was with me. I invited Robin, Emily, and Jen, and we all went and had a really great time. Hector had to go back to Virginia for the night, so I asked if I could walk him out. He said yes--and not in a hesitant or grudging way--so I walked him out. I have to say, I was pretty tipsy. As soon as Ian's apartment door closed, Hector started power-walking out. I asked what was with the Speedy McSpeedster-ness, and he just mumbled that he "always walks fast when he's tipsy". Me: WHAT?

So, we get out to his car, and he opens his door and stands behind it. "Well, I'll see you later." Me: "Um...are you not going to hug me goodbye?" He hugs me--and not a weenie, lame hug either, a good one. I remind him about our lunch plans, and then he hesitates: "Well, I'm supposed to have lunch with Ian and Eileen when I get back..." Me: "Well, whenever you can." And he left.

UGH. I felt like an idiot for the rest of the evening--I'm trying to take into account that Hector is quiet and reserved, but this is still confusing. I even went so far as to talk to Ian about it, which was actually really funny:

Me: "Sooo...I have a megacrush on Hector."
Ian: "Psh, I know."
Me: "WHAT?! HOW?"
Ian: "When he told me he was with you tonight, when he called me."
Me: "HAS HE SAID ANYTHING?!"
Ian: "No, but I think he likes you."
Me: "???!?!?!?!"
Ian: "You're his type, you know?"
Me: "KO$ M)IF&^K FP W%$GR?!!"
Ian: "Don't sweat it--you could probably just tell him, haha!"
Me: "No, you really don't understand--"
Ian: "But he hasn't said anything to me, or I'd tell you. See ya!"
Me: *reduced to a ridiculous, quivering mass of nervous laughter*

So, that buoyed my spirits for about ten minutes, then I got into The Flat (our new nickname for our now London-themed apartment--my room is Little Italy) with Jen and Emily and I got really frustrated with myself, because of the first paragraph of this entry. I have mentioned here before that I have the tendency to not let myself be sad--I belittle my own upsettedness because I know that I do this stupid fantasy thing and I need to train myself not to.

I force myself to be fine--"I'll be fine tomorrow, I know I'm being stupid, this is dumb." People always tell me, "You're allowed to be upset, this isn't your fault. Feel what you feel." But I can't. At least not until I'm in private, and even then I berate myself. My mom gave me some advice as an adolescent for when I ran into small-to-medium frustrations or troubles: "Let yourself be a complete mess for 24-36 hours, then let it go." Now, I don't like being a mess at all, especially when I don't deserve it. There is NO REASON for me to be upset. NOTHING HAPPENED!

Bah. Why do the guys I like feel lukewarm about me, but the guys who like me are the ones I feel lukewarm about? Jen and I were lamenting that fact yesterday afternoon. Why can't I fall for someone who can fall for me so completely? Emily was great about that--she assured me that I should never settle. She told me I'm amazing, and should be with a guy who knows and acknowledges that.

But enough. I'm now concentrating my energies into getting Robin a date, which seems to be going well thus far. :) I pushed the baby bird out of the nest and he's starting to fly! (I'm lame and cheesy. :P)

Funny aside: After seeing me with both Robin and Hector, Emily hesitantly said: "I can't really see you with anyone but..."

"Robin?" Jen helpfully supplied.

"Yeah," she admitted guiltily. Aw, Em. :)

Also, hilarious. :D

To quote Lauren: "What is my life?!"

This was going to be an entry about my own dumminess, but it's going to turn into something exciting and fun!

I commandeered Betsy's computer to pass the time until she got home from her dinner, and I got a comment on Facebook from this guy Eric, who I worked on Ink with last spring--we haven't seen each other in a year. He's in Baltimore for the week, and he's a Gossip Girl fan, too, and after talking for maybe three minutes, all of a sudden, I am smack-dab in the middle of plans to re-watch the season finale with him! Tonight!

It isn't a huge deal--he is cute and funny and a Christian, though--because he's going back to Texas, his home state, on Saturday. But hey, I'm not about to turn down company for a GG-loving cutie pie. Especially one I haven't seen in a year!

Now I have to go pick up some supplies--this goof likes Pepsi over Coke. WTF? :P

Love you all--

-A.

P.S. Seriously, God. You rock. You ALWAYS know when I need these pick-me-ups. You ALWAYS deliver. :)

Questions.

I attended the one-year-anniversary of the local youth church, The Light.

The pastor--a sort of guest pastor, actually, who runs the "father" church, Grace Life--spoke about Psalm 23, you know, "The Lord is my shepherd, etc." That was all well and good--he actually said something really interesting about the "shadow of death": if there's a shadow, somewhere there is a light. But he said something about the shadow being nothing to worry about--being not real, you know, a shadow can't hurt you. But I think it's more accurate to describe the shadow as a threat. After all, even if there is a light, there's also an object casting the shadow and blocking the light. There's a real thing that has volume there, it's not just the shadow as the being.

But anyway.

He transitioned into talking about death, and subsequently Heaven. He'll ask God if he reached all the people God meant him to, and God will say 'Yes'. Which is fine, until he started talking about recieving golden keys to his Heavenly mansion, stuffed with all the electronics he couldn't afford in life. He would tour the place for 1000 years, then put a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door (he admitted that he's introverted and doesn't like being around people a lot), and taking a 2000-year-long nap. THEN, he would see his younger peers (with smaller mansions, because they spent less time on earth and therefore had less time to build their mansions), and they would all go to the big banquet celebration and eat all this exotic food they'd never seen before and interview the characters of the Bible like Moses and Jonah for about 400 years.

What. The. Fuck.

Is it just me, or does that sound like self-indulgent, materialistic crap? Everyone I talked to about it made me sound like I was being too finicky, they told me that it was a metaphor, he was just trying to be funny, putting all these words into his mouth. But it wasn't funny to me. It missed the mark so completely. One girl I spoke with even told me that THE WORDS DIDN'T MATTER AS LONG AS THE SPIRIT WAS PRESENT.

I'M SORRY. WHAT?

So, if that's the case, I could just stand up front, recite "Mary Had A Little Lamb", and because the SPIRIT was present, I'll have inspired someone? Remember that part before the sermon where the pastor says, "God, guide my WORDS that they may glorify You and Your plan"? Why would we even have pastors at all if that were the case?

This is the bullshit I can't stand about some Christians. They know that sermons are supposed to be inspired by God, so they forget that the pastor is a MAN (as in a human, not just a male), and take everything they say as divine.

And not only that, because I do believe that God was speaking through that man in the beginning of his sermon. BUT, remember those little things called 'brains' that God gave us, too? Right, well, they're there so we can USE them to DISCERN the Godly from the Earthly.

In fact, Discernment is a particular Biblical Spiritual/Charismatic Gift that some people display at a higher level than others. (See 1 Corinthians for the list.) It isn't taken lightly by God that we question our religious leaders. Look at Jesus and the Pharisees, after all.

This behavior doesn't shake my faith in God, not in the least. It's just a disappointment to me that I feel like I get it and I'm alone in that. Maybe I'm just being vain, or egotistical. Does it sound like that? Am I being a know-it-all? That's the last thing I want.

Love you guys,

Alyssa

Hey-Yo.

Just a little update about how I'm doing. As you know, I was a wreck Sunday night, and yesterday I was really, really pissed off.

Today, I'm more resolute. Still bummed, still mad, but I've accepted it, and I'm doing fine. My 24 hours are up and I'm moving on. I sent the letter I wrote. Well, letters. I sent one that was written on September 30th that I never got to send, and I enclosed the new letter, which went a little like this:

Dear Chase,

A few points I wanted to make before things ended for good--before I could say my peace:

Even if I'd been with you physically, your feelings for Alli would always have interfered. Maybe I wasn't a 'distraction', per se, but it probably helped that you met me while you were so angry with her, and I showed you what a stable, grounded girl looked like. I was a change you felt you needed.

You built me up. This breakup wouldn't have been such a blow if you hadn't. You said you loved me, you indicated that you wanted to have a future with me, to marry me. Maybe I was foolish to believe you, but you were careless to say it.

You should never have indicated anything as serious as love or marriage if you had even a shadow of a feeling like that for someone else. You were unfair to me for that, and you betrayed my trust. Whether we'd been together for a month or a year, that is a heartbreak.

I thought we were on the same page as far as our faith and our goals, but I guess your goals lay closer to home, where you can see them and grasp them.

Truly, if Alli is the girl who will make you happy, and most exemplifies what you want in a partner, it would be selfish of me to keep you from that, and foolish of you not to pursue it. but I hope you aren't pursuing her because the familiar opportunity has opened to you again. I hope you weren't only waiting all this time for her to give you the time of day again. Although, if that was even a portion of your reasoning, perhaps this breakup is for the best--for me, because I want someone in 100%, and for you because I would never have satisfied you completely while Alli was on your mind.

Long-distance relationships are very difficult, as we both knew going in. I'm sorry that it was more worth it to you to pursue a more immediate target than to work for something that, while less immediate, is more reliable.

Forgive me if I seem bitter, but one can hardly blame me--if all I have to go on is now cavalier Alli was with your feelings this summer, I find it hard to swallow that you're going back for more. Hopefully she's matured since then, and I have every hope that she'll treat you like the devoted (obviously), thoughtful, and eager man that is clamoring to love her that you are. If she doesn't, I suppose that just proves her immaturity and, I suppose, your own, shall we say, wishful thinking.

By the way, has she gotten over her ex-boyfriend yet?

I'm sorry, I didn't want to say anything cruel or petty. I guess I just don't want to let you go without confronting you with the scope of your decision. I really do want you to be happy. I'm just angry with you right now and I'm prone to saying mean things. I hope you can see past the anger I've left on the page to the sentiments within it. Although, I think I've been pretty measured and sensible in my delivery.

Good luck with everything, and never settle.

-Alyssa

P.S. You began to defend Alli to me during our phone call, saying she may not have done the things you thought she did initially. It was insensitive of you to try and justify your choice to me, or perhaps to yourself. You don't need to explain why you love her and not me.

So, yeah. I feel pretty good about that letter. Really good.

Also, talked to Joey V. last night, and apparently, BritNolf has a nudey pic of TK on her phone. EUGGGGGH.

Also, Drea Chamberlain thinks that sex is what makes a relationship official. Like, you're not dating at all until you do it.

WHAT. THE. EFF.

ANYWAY, I'm done with all that.

Love you guys, thanks for your support. I'm really fine, and I'm looking forward to meeting the real man I'm meant to have.

I kind of enjoy busting the freshmens' asses.

A huge batch of disciplinary letters just got logged in to the mail for the freshmen too dumb to hide their partying, and I really enjoy when one of them comes along so I can smile smugly at them. Is that cruel? They're all incredibly spoiled and ridiculous.

This is an actual conversation my friend had with one of them:

Dumb Freshman Girl: Excuse me, can you smell this milk for me?
Tiff: Sorry?
DFG: I just need to know if it's bad.
T: Did you check the expiration date?
DFG: Yeah, it's not expired yet. I didn't refrigerate it, and it smells weird.
T: You DIDN'T refrigerate it?
DFG: I didn't know you were supposed to.
T: ...
DFG: My mom does all the grocery shopping.
T: You've never helped her put away the groceries?
DFG: That's what our maid is for.

SRSLY.

ETA: OKAY. A girl just asked me if I knew why her mail key wasn't working. Why, yes, I'm well-acquainted with the inner mechanical workings of these 15-year-old mailbox locks. *eyeroll*

It's a little gross. Or a LOT gross.

So, yeah, I'm very stern with them. I do my best to be intimidating, actually. I'm scary. :P

But you all guys know me better than that. ;)

Anyway, I realize I haven't explained two situations: my roommates and Lacie.

Me, my roommates, and our two male fixtures: Let's see if you can follow this--

My best friend at MICA is Robin, who liked Betsy, but Betsy likes Ryan who's hooking up with Jen who's still interested in her ex-boyfriend Dylan (who is from Squirrel Hill, by the way). AND Betsy is still mourning her recent ex, who ended their 5-year relationship in June.

Sheesh.

Betsy just started talking to her ex again, and it has been the cause of several loud fights with her mom over the phone that ring clearly through the narrow hallway of our apartment.

So, on to Lacie: She defriended me a week ago for absolutely no good reason. She defriended me because I deigned to still like Abby M., Brian's pre-and-post-Lacie flame. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Then she shaved her head and deleted her Facebook entirely. Yup. It happened.

It just started raining, and my first listen to Jack's Mannequin's new album, The Glass Passenger is winding down. It's a good album. :)

Also, to whoever watched Gossip Girl last night--WHAT. Also, Lacie reminds me far too much of Queen!Serena to be entirely comfortable.

It just reminds me how good you all are to me, and how blessed I am to have you.

Muah!

-Alyssa