The Brighter Side

I did get to help Lauren take some initiative with the boy she likes--some older guy at school, I guess. Lauren's never had a boyfriend, and she's always been sensitive about it, especially considering how popular her two best friends are with the boys (I hear you, Lauren, don't worry!). BUT, despite that discomfort, she'd never taken the bull by the horns and ASKED A GUY OUT.

She refused to go to Prom if no one asked her, and just never felt comfortable being the 'asker', and never gave the time of day to the boys that liked her (they were usually friends of hers that she wasn't interesting in dating, and I get that, but ONE DATE).

I've had my own share of experience as the move-maker (remember when I gave my number to Doctor Cutie from JHU in that bar a year ago?), and I advised Lauren to just make the move with this boy (although the big-sister part of me is wondering how old this guy is/what his deal is. Like, is he 20 and saving money at CCAC, or 25 and in community college because he's a dummy?).

SO, she took my advice and wrote him a Facebook message (I know, but it's a start), asking him for a study date. And the next day, she texted me a glad response that he'd called her back (NOT texted, but called--awesome) and was into it. Unfortunately, we haven't heard from him since then (he'd called from a friend's phone--his was broken and that could have something to do with it), and the test they were meant to study for is tomorrow. :/

HOPEFULLY he just decided to ditch the study date and take her out properly. :P But seriously, Lauren is too beautiful to be allowed. WTF?

Mom has been in LA since Tuesday, and will be back late tonight--we're going to Dad's, which might be a little tense as Lauren and Dad got into another fight (similar to the blow up early last summer about Dad being crap at parenting) and this is her first time there in weeks. Great.

KJ's 14th birthday was on Sunday, and I'm so proud of him! I swear, his guitar and drum skills have just shot up since I was gone! It's just so weird to see him as tall as me, and his voice is so deep now! I feel weird that I missed it, and I guess it was cool to see the jump, but I've always been there, and as soon as the biggest changes starting coming, I wasn't.

He's got his Teen Attitude coming out, too--the only thing I don't like! Is every boy that bitchy at that age? Can any male readers give me the answer to that? Man, and they say GIRLS are bad?

I got to talk to Drea on Monday, which was really good--I missed her. I miss all of my girls! Why can't we just find some gorgeous penthouse in NYC and be fabulously rich and carefree and independent together forever? :P I have to say, I'm bummed that we're all separated again this summer. The summer after freshman year was awesome for that--even though I was working two jobs that made me want to cut my own head off, I still had you guys nearby.

I think it's just that fear of change coming out of me again! :) But I'm fine. Like I said in my last entry, once I have my own apartment, boyfriend, and job (banning all the work that goes into getting those things) I'll be all set! :P

Love you guys, and I hope you're having a good week--

-A.

That Sinking Feeling, or These Things Come In Threes

I've had a surfeit of helplessness since I got home.

Not just in me--I've been seeing it everywhere. From talking about a cement-trapped patient in Grey's Anatomy to helping Lauren illustrate a boy who can't tie his shoes, it's coming at my from all sides.

And the weirdest thing is how STRONGLY I'm reacting.

I burst into tears talking about Grey's Anatomy--Lauren was properly embarassed of me--I got overwhelmed by the image of a trapped, panicked person and I started to cry--and not just cry, SOB. I dry-sobbed for twenty seconds before getting a hold of myself. I've always had a fear of being confined (claustrophobia and all that). Lauren brought it up in front of Brian again tonight and I teared up. I'm starting to freak out now.

Moving on.

My own illustrations even made me upset--the helpless expression I drew on the little boy broke my heart.

Watching Veronica Mars trapped in an old refrigerator tightened a fist around my heart, just for a moment.

This will be my tenth post tagged "Helplessness".

Why do I feel helpless? Trapped? Is it because I have no job prospects and $500 of rent is due June 1st? That's part of it, I'm sure. Is it because I have a thesis proposal to write and no fucking clue what I want to do? Is it because I know I'm going to sink under my workload next year? Is it because I'm not sure my art is good enough?

UGH. I'm disgusted with myself! I want to be able to say to myself, like Mom and Melissa can say, "God is handling it, it will be fine", but I don't think God will be dropping off an envelope full of money for me, or give me any more ease with my interpersonal relationships or learning how to sell myself and my art. I know He's got me, but I also know I've got this controlling part of me for a reason--it motivates me to want more than to step off. But, I can have all the aggression in the world, but with no outlet or opportunity, that means nothing.

I know I'll be taken care of, even if I have to ask for help (number one brand of shame for me--it's a long story why, maybe I'll tell it one day), and I know opportunities will pop up, but I'd just rather be DOING something then waiting here with no control.

It's like with Robin and Marla--I'm inert, ready to move forward in both situations, but I have to wait until I GET there, SEE them, be ACTIVE. I'm oddly lazy in that way--I want to move forward with Robin and Marla and be friends, and I want to be working and earning money for rent, etc. BUT, I'm only too eager to forgo the part where I have to take a risk--talking to employers, talking to Marla (not so much Robin). The place where I'm in danger of rejection. My least favorite place of all time, saving the place of shame. Although I guess shame comes with both.

I am happy--I had a really good night with Brian and Lauren, and I got to see Abby and Joey this past weekend and that was AWESOME.

I am happy, but I am not secure. I won't be until I have enough money for two months of rent in the bank.

Sheesh. I need to take a chill pill and go to SLEEP. It's 4 AM for goodness' sake.

See you all in the morning--love, love, love--

-A.

Tick. Tock.

Home is wonderful--the weather is STUNNINGLY gorgeous, and hot!

But, I must admit, I've been a little bored. Don't get me wrong, I've loved spending time with Lauren and Brian, but those hours when I'm alone just drag. I've even resorted to cleaning! Horrors! :P

I must ALSO admit that my attitude about the next years ahead has been pretty crap. I've been finding every reason to stress out (not that there AREN'T reasons to stress)--will I survive senior year (which is going to be a BITCH, fyi, but hopefully fun)? Will I find work? If I DON'T, what will I do? After I find work, how long will it take for me to earn enough money to even THINK about graduate school? Will I even get IN to graduate school?! Ugh.

Mom reminded me that God is in control, even when the outcome sucks (i.e. Maybe taking a semester off at MICA, which seems pretty impossible at this point. :/). It's the same lesson I've been working towards all year--I AM NOT IN CONTROL. I have the power to make my decisions, but because I've given my life over to God's control, I need to learn to LET GO. Sheesh. I need to not roadblock myself. When did I become so insecure? That's never been me. Has it?

Two conservation internships have turned me down--on the upshot, it wasn't because I wasn't qualified! There just wasn't enough work for me--one told me she would call if any work comes up. Still waiting to hear from the Walters--we'll see.

In a sharp digression, has anyone here ever had a friend tell them a secret (or two) that was huge and embarrassing and a little gross? Are you still friends with that person? Would they regret telling you if you were no longer friends?

I have that secret, and the person who told me and I aren't exactly close any longer. It feels a little bit good to have the info that this person would NEVER want to get out--lucky for this person, I have NO intention of telling. It would be far too horrid for this person, especially since I inadvertently found out an extension of that secret that makes it even MORE gross and embarrassing. Ooooops. :/

:)

That PROBABLY shouldn't make me feel so pleased.

OH WELL.

-A.

Undoing the knots.

I met up with Brandon yesterday--the second Person-To-See on my list since I got home (the first was Brian of "Why I Love Brian" fame), and spilled my guts to him a bit about my and Robin's breakup. He was sympathetic but logical, as usual, which meant he was simultaneously saying things like "Where the eff did this come from? Those aren't good reasons to break up. That sucks." and "There is no way you guys can be friends anymore. It'll fall apart."

My mom had a similar sentiment, but coming from a different place: "You should drop him. He rooked you. Tell him to stay the hell away from you."

Harsh, naturally. I want to stay friends with Robin--that was our first priority.

They both (along with a couple others at SACI) suggested that there's a third party. I'm not so quick to support that theory--I'd like to think that Robin would be more honest with me than that.

We've talked on the phone three times since I got home, and it's been okay, but always slightly awkward and not FORMAL, but stiff. I hate that. Maybe it'll get better when we're in person. I'm just having this terrifying feeling bubbling up in my stomach that things will fall apart like Brandon said. He was right about Lacie and I, after all.

I have a theory about any relationship. Each party has to put in 100%, okay? Doy. We all know this. If they both do this, things can work out much more evenly and with a higher success rate. If both parties let it drop off, say, only giving 60% each, it'll disintegrate on it's own. If one person is only giving 90%, the other person works to give 110% to balance that and so on. If one party is super-dedicated to making the relationship work, he or she will overextend him or herself to meet the difference, whether it's a small one (10%) or a huge one (say, 80%).

I learned this from my mom, who worked for ten years to make her marriage with my dad work because she thought it was her fault that it wasn't working, when in reality, Dad was the one who wasn't doing a damn thing. I've inherited my mom's tendency to overextend--I take care of people and end up ignoring or sacrificing my own comfort in the process. At least, I used to.

That whole shebang ended in my friendships as far as The Lacie Situation--I learned to never, ever let any friend jerk me around and take advantage of my the way Lacie did. I hardened somewhat.

Maybe I hadn't learned to take-no-bullshit romantically yet until the break-up with Robin. Not that I think I was taking care of Robin the way I did Lacie (I was her Mom/Sister/Confidante for five years plus), but I was easy on him. I let him off easy after the breakup. I didn't intend to, and I guess I can't say that there isn't time for me to still get answers that I want and need. I think that after I left for Italy, the effort to keep the relationship going was 99% mine. I thought a lot of things about how Robin was feeling and I got a lot of green lights, so it was Full Speed Ahead for awhile. Until mid-February, when I actually challenged Robin by trying to move forward.

That was when things changed a bit. He had been resistant to our becoming "official" because of our "differences"--the ones that would be too big to get past. Faith, politics, lifestyles. All understandable. But I asked him to try and let go of worries about the future--I cared about him and just wanted to be in the moment, in the relationship (which was a huge step for me on its own). I asked him not to let me talk him into it, which he took into account, and accepted my offer. Great!

But as soon as I even HINTED at the fact that we would have to tell people, specifically Marla, he got very tense. He broke up with me two weeks later, citing our differences once more, anxiety over telling people about us, and our 'doomed-to-fail'-ness. He assured me Marla had nothing to do with it, and maybe that's true. Maybe he was too worried that the whole thing would blow up within our social circle.

Either way, he dropped the Effort ball at some point. Now, I'm not saying that is always the wrong thing to do, but in this case, we hadn't been together on the same continent as a couple yet, and I was to return in one month when we broke up. Everyone I told was stunned--"Where did this come from?", "You'll be home in four weeks!", "What random timing...", etc.

It sucked, hard, but I'm actually feeling okay about it. I mean, I'm bummed on some level, I guess, but I worked hard to get over it. Mom insists that I moved on too fast, let Robin off way too easy. (Coming from the woman who told me we hadn't been together long enough to warrant disappointment in the first place. *eyeroll*)

I guess I just didn't/don't want to dwell on it, but more and more I just want to get some answers and move forward again, even if it's in a completely different direction.

Hope you're all having a fantastic week--love you all!

-A.

I'm Baaaa-aaaaack!

I am home.

On my flight into the USA, I saw rain-soaked jetties in New York, rain-soaked concrete in the Cincinnati airport lot, and then, like a welcome home sign, the Lite-Brite city of Pittsburgh came up to greet me.

Cheesy as anything, I know, but it's so great to be home. :)

Unfortunately, all you jerks are are still off at your respective colleges, which is fine--I can be patient! I'm missing Baltimore/MICA a lot. :/ But, all in time.

I walked through Sewickley today--not too many changes, although they took down one of my favorite wooden playgrounds and put up a plastic one. LAME.

KJ gets home from school/track practice in about an hour, and I'll get to see him for the first time since I got back last night--he was asleep, and I was asleep when he left this morning. I can't wait to see him!

Okay, I'm off, but I'll update with SOMETHING exciting soon enough.

Hope you're all well!

-A.

A comment I made on a fellow LJers open entry.

A livejournal friend of mine, a former Christian herself, posted this open entry for any Christians that wanted to give some insight. For some reason, she still writes for a Christian publication, AS a Christian. I have no idea what that's about, but I liked the questions:

Why are we here? Why are humans in this world? And odds are that when you give an explanation, I need a why behind that as well. The biggest wall I'm hitting is: What do humans do that angels don't?

My Response:

I think the big, unsatisfactory stock answer to all of these questions is that "God works in mysterious ways that we can't understand". Once again, it is not an answer that offers security or knowledge beyond God's awesome omnipotence, but it's the only sure one we got! :)

But, if we're going to probe more deeply and specifically into the relationship between God, angels, and humans--

Angels were created as God's servants in Heaven. They were made as fallible as humans, but unlike humans, they've always been exposed to God's existance and power.

Humans were created as God's stewards of the Earth. For an unknown reason, God favored the humans over the angels--there's a hint in Genesis as to why: we were made in God's image, and because God knows He is good, His imprint in humanity is also good. Nowhere does it say that angels were created in God's image. (And, as they say, some angels, Lucifer in particular, were not content to have lower favor than humans--then decided they were not content to serve at all! And that was where the fallen ones came from--denying obedience to God as well as lifting themselves up as gods equal to the One. Very, very big no-no.)

Humans were once in communion with God just like the angels, but once Sin was commited, they were separated from God's favor and from His constant companionship. Over time, we went from having the choice to obey Him or not to obey Him, to having the choice to believe in Him or not.

@@@

I thought that was pretty good. :)

Happy Palm Sunday--just one week left until the Easter celebration! Yay!

Love you guys--

-A.

HOLY SHIT IT'S APRIL.

Wow, guys. Two weeks and I'll be home with you! Can you believe it?!!!! I can't.

Not much new here, getting more work done on my comic, for sure! It's coming along really, really well, if I do say so myself.

David and I have been bonding awesomely! We get along so, so well, and we can talk about anything! It's been a huge relief to me--it's not that I don't feel comfortable talking to Mel or my roommates, but I guess I just feel like David is more sympathetic to me. We understand why the other is frustrated--we can level with each other without offering advice about how to react to something. I'll miss him!

Other than that, I've been thinking about classes for next semester, and enjoying the warmer weather--all standard positives!

I've been chatting with John on our Facebook wall about getting a few classes together next semester, and I got a really nice reply message from Casey (Robin's friend from high school, remember him from way back over Winter Break?), detailing how his semester is going. I messaged him back in January, and I was curious to see how he was doing--Casey and I got along really well, and I have to say, I want to keep hanging out with Robin's friends!

Emily--I found out my Painting Conservation final is this coming Thursday, and I'm supposed to come out to you on Wednesday. :/ I'm going to try and talk my teacher into letting me take it Wednesday morning, which would be IDEAL, because then all my written tests/shows would be out of the way, save my Etching finals, and I'll have another week to take care of that. :) I'll let you know how it goes down. Worst comes to worst, I'll have to come in on Thursday night. :((( Is that a super-issue?

Okay, I have to go, but I love you guys, and I miss you!

-A.