My sister is a real person, I promise.

hello. this is alyssa's sister. i have laid down some ground rules for your trip in the next few weeks. and she has told me i must relay them to you myself. soo this is with the best intentions.

1. no kissing in front of me at ANY TIME ("forgetting this rule does not excuse the behavior")
2. no doing anything affectionate in or around my room. including "stuff"

failure to abide by these rules will result in me punching Alyssa in the face.

thanks! can't wait to meet you.

@@@

Lauren sent this to John today. She is not joking. This is simultaneously hilarious and disturbing.

People who don't know Lauren are always a little disbelieving of my description. I wonder if I showed them this, if it would get the point across better. :P

-A.

ETA: John's response:

Ground rules are very important. YOUR ground rules doubly so. Therefore I will comply with your requirements with the utmost and furthest reaches of my ability. However, since your sister's face is on the line, I ask to raise a few points:

1. Does the 'kissing' in Item 1 cover all iterations of the term, or are you implying kissing on the lips?

2. Am I only prohibited from kissing Alyssa? Will I get penalized for kissing other things, including (but not limited to) a frozen lamp post, a dog, or your butt?

3. Will I be penalized under Article 2 for just apathetic "stuff"? Is a mutual feeling of affection a requisite?

4. Is there a specific area of Alyssa's face that will be subject to punching? Her forehead or nose, perhaps? Or is she subject to general battery?

Thank you for your concern in my visit. I seriously would not want to offend you or those closest to you. All necessary precautions will be applied.

I am also excited to meet you.

ETA2: Lauren's Reply:

Thank you for your questions:

1. Kissing means alll kissing. face, hands, et cetera.

2. If you were to kiss random items around our quaint little town I would be forced to think you are a weirdo, and you would no longer be welcome within 50 ft of me.

3. I don't know what number 3 means.

4. This will be determined due to the severity of the crime.